HOME T-SHIRT PRINTING PRESSES NOT MAKING ANY MONEY FOR THOUSANDS OF WOULD-BE ENTREPRENEURS

CHEVY VOLT NOW ELLIGIBLE FOR CASH FOR CLUNKERS PROGRAM

U.S. POPULACE COLLECTIVELY DE-FRIENDS OBAMA

NATION SHIFTS WEIGHT UNEASILY DURING OBAMA'S MID-SPEECH ARGUMENT WITH TELEPROMPTER

OBAMA TO ADDRESS NATION ON 'NEW WARS AND RUMORS OF WARS'

MICKEY ROONEY OPTS FOR LABORIOUS CAREER REVIVAL OVER PEACEFUL PASSING IN THE NIGHT

CBS TAPS NYC MOB TO MANAGE COURIC UNEMPLOYMENT PROJECT

SYRIA SET TO BECOME THIRD OR FOURTH IN OBAMA'S WAR COLLECTION

OBAMA CLARIFIES LIBYAN MISSION IN EYE LINER ON KRISPIE KREME NAPKIN

EXPLORATORY COMMITTEE FORMED TO FIND MISSING SOCK

RUBBER BAND BALL PROJECT ENDS UP NOT BEING MONEY-MAKER FOR UNEMPLOYED LOSER

WAR PREP CAUSES WHITE FLAG SHORTAGE IN FRANCE

DEATH OF THREE-NEIGHBORHOOD NEWSPAPER DELIVERY ROUTE MAGNATE ECLIPSED BY PASSING OF FILM ACTRESS ELIZABETH TAYLOR

OBAMA CUTS VACATION SHORT AS U.S. IS KINDA SORTA AT WAR

LATEST ELIZABETH TAYLOR DEATH RUMOR APPEARS TO BE GRIMLY TRUE

NEW YORK TIMES PASSES ON PICS OF OBAMA TORTURING LIBYAN PRISONERS OF WAR

CONGRESS RECONVENES IN D.C. TO FINALLY GET TO WORK ON CONGRESSIONAL PAY RAISE

WARMONGERING WHITE HOUSE TO FOLLOW LIBYA WITH INVASION OF BERMUDA

NEWS FROM JAPAN INTERRUPTS FINALIZATION OF OBAMA'S FINAL FOUR PICKS

DAVID BLAINE STILL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT CRISS ANGEL LUXOR LEVITATION

BURGER KING TO FINALLY DITCH CRAPPY FRIES FOR ONES MORE LIKE McDONALDS'

CHARLIE SHEEN MARKS 100TH 'TIGER'S BLOOD' TEE SALE WITH WEEK-LONG HEROIN BINGE

WHITE HOUSE CAREFULLY COACHING BIDEN ON NEXT WEEK'S ONE-WORD STATEMENT ON LIVE MIC

OBAMA EXTENDS 'DEEPEST CONDOLENCES' TO JAPAN FROM NINTH TEE

NORTON'S NEW ANTIVIRUS INCLUDES FEATURE TO STOP SHEENWARE

DONALD TRUMP COMPLETES DAVE RAMSEY'S 'BABY STEP 27', NOW HAS $750 MILLION EMERGENCY FUND

NEW 290-PROOF DRINKABLE GASOLINE MAKES PRICE REASONABLE TO RAGING ALCOHOLICS

GEORGE W. BUSH PRODUCES ALIBI IN ADVANCE OF WHITE HOUSE PRESSER ON JAPANESE QUAKE

MSNBC HIRES CHARLIE SHEEN; PROMOTES AS 'STABLE, MORE INTELLIGENT AND SANE KEITH OLBERMANN'

'SAY NO TO CHARLIE SHEEN'S DRUGS' CAMPAIGN UNVEILED IN FIVE CITIES

REPORT: OBAMA TO BOMB LIBYA WITH NOBEL PEACE PRIZES

STUXNET II TARGETS IRANIAN NUKE SITES, CHARLIE SHEEN TWITTER ACCOUNT

'WINNING' SHEEN SUFFERING FROM EMERGENCY ROOM WITHDRAWAL

SHEEN KIDS SENT TO LIBYA FOR 'MORE KID-FRIENDLY' ENVIRONMENT