LEAK: AFTER CANDID CAMERA REVELATION TO U.S., EARLY OBAMA VOTERS WILL BE ALLOWED TO RE-VOTE

 

OBAMA CLARIFIES SLOGAN: 'GIVE ME YOUR CHECK AND I'LL GIVE YOU SOME CHANGE'

SARAH PALIN WARDROBE EXPENSES APPROACH JOHN EDWARDS' HAIR CARE BUDGET NUMBERS

REPORT: PRESUMPTIVE ELECTION WINNER OBAMA BORROWED FROM 2009 DEFENSE BUDGET FOR HALF-HOUR AD

HARD TIMES: GOOGLE EMPLOYEES FORCED TO SUFFER WITH FEWER COTTON CANDY MACHINES

SEN. OBAMA BUYS GUN, GETS CONCEALED WEAPONS PERMIT; CITES FEAR OF McCAIN ELECTION LOSS

 

SECRET SERVICE ESCORTS MICHELLE OBAMA AND INTERIOR DESIGNER OUT OF WHITE HOUSE RESIDENCE

L.A. TIMES TO COMPLY WITH AVALANCHE OF REQUESTS, WILL RELEASE OBAMA-KHALIDI TAPE IN MID-NOVEMBER

OBAMA LAUNCHES 2012 RE-ELECTION BID

REVISED OBAMA TAX PLAN TARGETS 'OBSCENELY WEALTHY' TAXPAYERS MAKING OVER $50K

SOCIALIST IDEOLOGY REVEALED IN BACKMASKED OBAMA SPEECH

REP. JOHN MURTHA: 'MY CONSTITUENCY, AS RECENT AS ONLY WEEKS AGO, WAS PRETTY MUCH ALL WHITE TRASH'

WILLIAM AYERS: 'I HAVE NEVER HAD ASSOCIATIONS WITH THAT UNREPENTENT MARXIST BARACK OBAMA'

MAN RELIEVED TO SEE DOW UP 12 POINTS UNTIL BROWSER REFRESH REVEALED MORE RECORD LOSSES

RALPH NADER SPENDS $84 ON STAGE FOR ELECTION NIGHT CELEBRATION 'JUST IN CASE'

AL GORE BRAVES RECORD FREEZE TO DELIVER GLOBAL WARMING SPEECH

RECENT 'VOTERS' REGISTERED BY ACORN INCLUDE INANIMATE OBJECT AND PIECE OF BELLY BUTTON LINT

McCAIN ROLLS OUT 'HOLD YOUR NOSE AND VOTE FOR ME' CAMPAIGN TO COURT RELUCTANT CONSERVATIVES

EXPERT: DOW SET FOR RECORD HIGH OR CATASTROPHIC COLLAPSE

MSNBC: INDEPENDENTS AND MODERATES 'LIKE CINDY SHEEHAN' SUPPORTING OBAMA

NATIONAL DEBT CLOCK, BIDEN GAFFE COUNTER RUN OUT OF DIGITS

SARAH PALIN TAKES BREAK FROM CAMPAIGNING TO VISIT AILING AND AGING JOHN McCAIN

BERNANKE: ZILLION DOLLAR STIMULUS PACKAGE 'MIGHT WORK'

   

FORMER SEN. JOHN EDWARDS (D-RIELLE HUNTER) PLANNING 2024 COMEBACK

 

JOE THE PLUMBER AMASSING TROOPS AT OBAMAN BORDER

FORWARD-THINKING OBAMA LAUNCHES 'DISENFRANCHISED VOTERS' AND 'STOLEN ELECTION' LAWSUITS

WILLIAM AYERS' REQUEST FOR REUPHOLSTERY OF DEFENSE SECRETARY CABINET SEAT RAISES QUESTIONS

McCAIN TO OBAMA: I WAS SWAPPING WAR STRATEGIES WITH CHURCHILL WHEN YOUR GRANDFATHER WAS PLAYING PENNY WHISTLES AND PLAYING MARBLES

INSIDER: 'NEW, MORE ENERGETIC' JOHN McCAIN SPONSORED BY RED BULL

 

KEITH OLBERMANN SET TO EXPOSE PLUMBER JOE FOR 1972 PEEK AT SCHOOLMATE'S TEST ANSWERS

OBAMA TELLS AMERICAN FLAG REDESIGNER TO 'HANG TIGHT' ON NEWS OF TIGHTENING POLLS

JOE THE PLUMBER FAILS INVOLUNTARY MSNBC ANAL EXAM

McCAIN QUIETLY CELEBRATES 93RD BIRTHDAY DURING SLOW OVERNIGHT NEWS CYCLE

 

OBAMA PLANS NOV 3 PARTY TO CELEBRATE ELECTORAL SUCCESS

BIDEN TURNS CAMPAIGNING FOCUS TO 'FOUR LETTER WORD E-M-P-L-O-Y-M-E-N-T'

McCAIN NOW WITHIN MARGIN OF ERROR IN INTERNAL McCAIN FAMILY POLL

McCAIN CITES EVIDENCE OF 'A SLOWER-PACED SLIDE IN POLLS' AS PROOF HE WON DEBATE

JOE THE PLUMBER RACES PAST RALPH NADER IN POLLS AS WRITE-IN FAVORITE

OBAMA CITES LIE IN McCAIN ACCUSATION, SAYS CAREER WAS LAUNCHED IN AYERS' JACUZZI, NOT LIVING ROOM

 

SNL SKIT WRITERS OVERWHELMED BY McCAIN FACIAL EXPRESSION PARODY CHOICES

 

PALIN STRATEGIST SUGGESTS COMEBACK BY 'SWAPPING OUT THE TOP OF THE TICKET'

 

CLOSE-PROXIMITY MIND CONTROL DEVICE CONFISCATED FROM HILLARY CLINTON IN ADVANCE OF DEBATE ATTENDANCE

 

JOHN McCAIN OFFICIALLY ENDORSES SELF TO IMPROVE POLLING POSITION

NON-FRAUDULENT ACORN VOTER REGISTRATION FOUND

OBAMA CALLS FOR MID-NOVEMBER INVESTIGATION OF ACORN VOTE FRAUD ALLEGATIONS

 

NADER TAKES WEEK OFF TO CELEBRATE CLOSING IN ON 1% MARK' IN NATIONAL HEAD-TO-HEAD-TO-HEAD POLL

 

HAMAS TO SERVE AS POLL WATCHERS IN JIMMY CARTER'S DISTRICT

 

BIDEN PULLS OUT HAIR PLUG OVER FRUSTRATING INTERVIEW

 

CONGRESS REQUESTS $500 BAILOUT FROM BANK BUYOUT BILL

McCAIN DENIES NEED TO PULL OUT OF McCAIN CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS, FOCUS RESOURCES ELSEWHERE

 

CBS POLL: OBAMA TRUMPS McCAIN BY DOUBLE DIGITS ON ECONOMY, NATIONAL DEFENSE, AND POW EXPERIENCE

 

G-7 LEADERS MEET, BRAINSTORM ON STRATEGIES TO DELAY END OF WORLD

 

OBAMA HEALTHCARE PLAN TO OFFER ASSISTED SUICIDE FOR 'THOSE WHO CAN'T HANDLE THE NATIONAL CONVERSION TO SOCIALISM'

 

PALIN GOES NEGATIVE ON OBAMA'S MAINSTREAM INFANTICIDE POSITION

 

PEPTO BISMOL JUMPS $1.40 TO $124 A BARREL

SHARES OF JACK DANIELS, HANGOVER MEDS SKYROCKET

SILLY STOCK MARKET IN POSITIVE TERRITORY AFTER ROLLERCOASTERY DAY

MARKETS CRASH ON ROCKS AFTER CLIFF DIVE

WILLIAM AYERS DENIES RELATIONSHIP WITH UNREPENTENT TERRORIST BARACK OBAMA

KEITH OLBERMANN: OBAMA 'NO' VOTE REPRESENTS ANTI-AMERICAN, RACIST, HOMOPHOBIC, AND CANNIBALISTIC TENDENCIES

50 POINT DOW DIVE PRECIPITATED BY EARLIER 45 POINT DROP

PALIN CHIDES BIDEN FOR HECKLING McCAIN SUPPORTERS AT OBAMA RALLY

SHARES OF OBAMA, INC. PLUMMET ON SEN. BIDEN'S PROXIMITY TO OPEN MIC

ENRAGED SEN. OBAMA 'BROADSIDED' BY NY TIMES WRITTEN PERMISSION REQUEST TO ASK ABOUT WILLIAM AYERS IN DECEMBER

 

THREE REMAINING JOHN EDWARDS FAN CLUB MEMBERS DEMAND FORMER SENATOR BE ASKED TO COMMENT ON STUFF

 

SEN. BIDEN RECOGNIZED BY PASSERBY

WILLIAM AYERS LASHES OUT AT MEDIA FOR ALLEGING 'EMBARRASSING ASSOCIATION' WITH OBAMA

WORLD BREATHES SIGH OF RELIEF AS DOW DROPS ONLY 370 POINTS

BAILOUT BILL TO FUND DEVELOPMENT OF NEW 'HYPERSONIC INVISI-SHIELD MODE' IN NEW PS3 GAME [EDITOR'S NOTE: MAY NOT BE SATIRE]

 

SHARES OF 'INTEREST IN GOLF' PLUMMET ON NEWS OF DELAYED TIGER WOODS' RECOVERY

 

TINA FEY ASKS AIG TO INSURE 'PALIN-LIKE FACIAL APPEARANCE' FOR $50 MILLION, CONTINGENT ON McCAIN ELECTORAL SUCCESS

 

HILLARY CLINTON ASKS 2012 DEBATE FITNESS TRAINER TO INCOPORATE 'WINKS AND ALASKAN BACKWOODS VERNACULAR' IN DEBATE PREP

 

HOPES HUNG ON O.J. DEATH SENTENCE VERDICT TO BUOY AMERICAN SPIRITS

ATTEMPT AT HUMOR LANDS SEN. OBAMA IN HOSPITAL FOR RUPTURED SPLEEN, BROKEN COLLAR BONE, INTERNAL HEMMORAGING

WARREN BUFFETT TO INVEST $3 BILLION IN FAILING McCAIN CAMPAIGN

BIDEN DEBATE TRAINER REPORTS PROGRESS IN DEBATE TRAINING, CITES 'THIRTY PERCENT FEWER F-BOMBS'

SIX FLAGS EXPECTS THRILLS, SUICIDES ON NEW COASTER 'THE DOW'