Parent Site | All PG2 Headlines
| Get Satire to Your Mobile Device on Twitter | Store
| Contact Us
REPORT: LEGALIZING POT WILL INCREASE TAX REVENUES, BEN & JERRY'S ICE CREAM SALES
JOE JACKSON SETS UP WEBSITE, ASKS L.A. TAXPAYERS TO HELP WITH NEW RECORD COMPANY COSTS
DEMS SLIP SOCIAL SECURITY, WELFARE, AND NATIONAL DEFENSE REFORM INTO HEALTHCARE BILL
U.S. SET TO CELEBRATE 40TH ANNIVERSARY OF ALLEGED MOON LANDING
SHOCK REPORT: SHOCKING REPORTS ARE DISTURBING
BIDEN DOWNPLAYS EXPECTATIONS FOR STIMULUS: SAYS 'WE'LL MOST LIKELY ALL BE DEAD SOON'
TELEPROMPTER STAGES PROTEST OVER SOARING DEFICITS
AT CONFIRMATION HEARINGS, SEN. FRANKEN CIRCLING SOTOMAYOR ON MINI CLOWN BIKE
DEMS GRILL SOTOMAYOR OVER ICE CREAM FLAVOR PREFERENCE, PERFUME CHOICE
400 XANAX-PILLS-PER-DAY HABIT REVEALED IN UNSOLVED MJ DEATH MYSTERY
POST-MADOFF PALM BEACH REAL ESTATE MAG MISTAKEN FOR PHONE BOOK
TRIGGER-SHY NASA DELAYS SHUTTLE LAUNCH, CITES WORN WIPER BLADES
LARRY KING ALIVE, DESPITE RUMORS CIRCULATING AT LARRY KING FUNERAL
WHITE HOUSE: OBAMA WASN'T RUBBER-NECKING AT TEEN'S BACKSIDE; WAS BOWING TO NEARBY SAUDI KING
BUSY JESSE JACKSON SENDS CARDBOARD CUTOUT OF SELF TO INCITE RACIAL UNREST IN PHILLY
HEALTHCARE BILL INCLUDES BILLIONS FOR VINTAGE BIG WHEELS, RAINBOW-COLORED PROPELLER HATS
NBC JOURNALIST: IT WAS 'BITTERSWEET' TO FINALLY WASH HAND OBAMA SHOOK LAST YEAR
SHOCK: TALK OF 'NEW STIMULUS' IS THIRD; CONGRESS PASSED SECOND STIMULUS DURING MJ MEMORIAL
CNN ATTACKS MICHELLE OBAMA FOR 'NOT SHOWING MORE OF THOSE HEAVENLY ARMS'
JACKSON-SATURATED MEDIA ANXIOUS TO RETURN TO ATTACKING PALIN
JOE JACKSON ASKS TO COMBINE MICHAEL JACKSON EULOGY WITH NEW RECORD COMPANY IPO INFO
MJ FUNERAL MOTORCADE PULLS OVER TO SPANK BICKERING AL SHARPTON AND JESSE JACKSON
DAVID HASSELHOFF'S REQUEST TO PERFORM 'HIT SONG' AT JACKSON MEMORIAL DENIED
POLL: MOST STILL THINK FRANKEN SENATE ASCENDANCY IS A PRANK
OBAMA OFFERS PUTIN SCALPED TICKET TO JACKSON MEMORIAL IN EXCHANGE FOR FRIENDSHIP
MSNBC: FBI FAILS TO FIND FBI CORRUPTION CHARGES LEVIED AGAINST SCANDALOUS SARAH PALIN
STATESMAN AL FRANKEN MANAGES TO CONTAIN HILARIOUS BUSH-THE-IRAQI-BABY-KILLER JOKE HE WROTE
LEAK: OBAMA MAY SEIZE MORE INDUSTRIES WHILE NATION DISTRACTED BY MICHAEL JACKSON MEMORIAL
NASA ALERT AS INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION CLIPS EDGE OF OBAMA BUDGET
NORTH KOREA: WITH JUST ONE MORE ROLL OF DUCT TAPE, SOME TWINE AND A BIC LIGHTER, WOODEN ROCKET WILL ANNIHILATE U.S.
LIQUID NAILS NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO HOLD WOODEN NORTH KOREAN ROCKET TOGETHER; LAUNCH SCRUBBED
FOX NEWS' CARL CAMERON: SELFISH PALIN ATTEMPTING TO MONOPOLIZE NEWS CYCLE
SARAH PALIN VACATING GOVERNOR'S POST TO ATTEND TO WHATEVER EVERYONE'S SPECULATING ABOUT
COLIN POWELL EXPRESSES 'A CERTAIN DEGREE OF NUANCED CONCERN' OVER OBAMA AGENDA
NASA: WEIGHT OF ADDITIONAL FED CASH THROWING EARTH'S ORBIT ASKEW
JOE JACKSON OFFERING MICHAEL JACKSON AUTOPSY PHOTOS IN EXCHANGE FOR INTEREST IN STUPID NEW RECORD COMPANY
WHITE HOUSE SAYS OBAMA TOWN HALL QUESTION TO AUDIENCE MEMBER RAHM EMANUEL NOT STAGED
BANKRUPTCY LOOMS FOR PLAYBOY AFTER HELEN THOMAS NUDE COVER
JESSE JACKSON, AL SHARPTON MUD WRESTLE OVER MICHAEL JACKSON FUNERAL MOTORCADE POLE POSITION
CONSTRUCTION CREWS GETTING MICHAEL JACKSON READY FOR PUBLIC VIEWING AT NEVERLAND
APOLLO THEATER HOSTS AL SHARPTON'S MICHAEL JACKSON MEMORIAL TRIBUTE STARRING AL SHARPTON
FRANKEN TO SENATE, U.S. CONGRESS NOW OFFICIALLY A CRAPPY SNL SKIT
TROOPS PULLED FROM IRAQ FOR MICHAEL JACKSON LA FUNERAL DUTY
BLANKET USES FATHER'S TRAGIC DEATH TO ASK FOR NEW NAME
OBAMA PICKS CELEBRITY HEALTH CZAR, CITES RECENT 'CRISES'
INVESTIGATION REVEALS WHINING GOP HAD 'MORE THAN TEN MINUTES' TO READ SHORT 300 PAGE GREEN TAX BILL ON iPHONE KINDLE APPS
BERNIE MADOFF SENTENCED TO WALK PALM BEACH STREETS UNARMED
MICHAEL JACKSON'S WILLED REQUEST TO BURY DEBT WITH HIM DENIED
BET AWARDS CENSOR COLLAPSES FROM EXHAUSTION
HOLLYWOOD ASKS OBAMA TO APPOINT 'A CZAR OF SOME SORT' TO PREVENT MORE CELEB DEATHS
ENERGY TAX BILL SLIPPED THROUGH HOUSE WHILE CONCERNED AMERICANS BREATHLESSLY AWAIT JACKO TOX RESULTS
OBAMA: IT'S TIME FOR THE NATION TO RETURN TO MOURNING MY LEGACY
NORTH KOREA USES MICHAEL JACKSON DIVERSION AS OPPORTUNITY TO ANNIHILATE HAWAII
MICHAEL JORDAN ALIVE AND WELL IN CHICAGO
MARK SANFORD PROMISES TO WEAR MONITORING BRACELET IF HE'S ALLOWED TO STILL BE GOVERNOR
SHAQ TRADED TO CAVS FOR BEN WALLACE AND SEASON TICKETS TO CAVS GAMES
RACY 'THREESOME' EMAILS REVEALED BETWEEN CHRIS MATTHEWS, KEITH OLBERMANN, AND OBAMA
OBAMA RESCINDS IRANIAN DIPLOMATS' INVITE TO SPECIAL OLYMPICS BOWL-A-THON AT WHITE HOUSE
SC GOVERNOR ADMITS TO CLINTONING ARGENTINIAN WOMAN
CNN CONFIRMS OBAMA-TO-AHMADINEJAD INBOX MESSAGE ON FACEBOOK
FOX NEWS' MAJOR GARRETT DISINVITED FROM OBAMA'S MEDIA SLUMBER PARTY
CRAIGSLIST INSISTS IT SHED 'MOST OF THE MASS MURDERERS' ON ITS SITE
OBAMA MOVES JOURNALISTS FROM ROSE GARDEN TO 'MORE FAMILIAR' WHITE HOUSE JACUZZI FOR PRESSER
OBAMA SCHEDULED TO ATTEND TELEPROMPTER'S ROSE GARDEN SPEECH
'JON & KATE PLUS 8'-OBSESSED HAWAIIANS 'DON'T HAVE TIME TO WORRY ABOUT' PENDING NUCLEAR ANNIHILATION
NORTH KOREA DELAYS NUKE ATTACK ON HAWAII; CITES NEED FOR SPOOL OF TWINE, BIC LIGHTER
ARROGANT CHRIS BROWN REFUSES TO PLEAD 'NOT A MAN, GUILTY OF BEING A TOTAL ASS'
OBAMA MULLS OVAL OFFICE REALITY SHOW TO PULL RATINGS OUT OF TOILET
HONOLULU LOCAL POLICE ASK WHITE HOUSE FOR PERMISSION TO ANNIHILATE NORTH KOREA
TIGER WOODS BUYS COMPANIES EMPLOYING DRUNKEN U.S. OPEN HECKLERS, FIRES THEM
MOON ROVER EXPECTED TO DELIVER PHOTOSHOPPED PROOF OF U.S. MOON LANDINGS
JIMMY CARTER TO OBAMA: 'YOU'RE WORSE THAN I WAS, AND AM'
JOHN McCAIN SWIMS OUT TO INTERCEPT NORTH KOREAN SHIP
OBAMA CAUTIONS U.S. NAVY AGAINST 'MEDDLING IN NORTH KOREA'S NUCLEAR EFFORTS'
AYATOLLAH KHAMENEI CALLS IRANIAN ELECTION 'DEFINITIVE VICTORY', SAYS PERSONALLY COUNTED VOTES BEFORE SPEECH
MICHAEL MOORE HIJACKED BY SOMALI PIRATES, SAILED TO DEEP WATER BERTH AFTER RANSOM DEMAND
OBAMA ASKS U.N. SECURITY COUNCIL TO TAKE HARDER STANCE ON FOX NEWS
WAL-MART CREATING ITS OWN CIVILIAN DEFENSE FORCE ON NATIONALIZATION FEARS
IRANIAN MULLAHS THREATEN TO 'UNPLUG EVERY ELECTRIC INTERNET MACHINE AND TWITTER BOX'
SPRAWLING ADDITION TO ROBERT GIBBS' OFFICE TO HOUSE NY TIMES EDITORIAL STAFF
MEDIA BARRED FROM OBAMA'S IRAN COMMENTS
CARTER NARROWLY ESCAPES ROADSIDE BEARHUG EMBRACE FROM HAMAS MILITANTS
AMERICANS DISTRACTED FROM SLIDE INTO OBLIVION BY NEW MICHELLE OBAMA DRESS
AHMADINEJAD AGREES TO PERSONALLY RECOUNT VOTES IN CONTESTED IRANIAN ELECTION
BROKE CA OFFERS TO THROW PARTY FOR LAKERS AT L.A. JACK IN THE BOX
WHITE HOUSE: IRAN, NORTH KOREA WILL JOIN U.S. IN 'AXIS OF EVOLVING CONCERNS'
FANS CELEBRATE LAKERS' CHAMPIONSHIP BY BURNING DOWN, BOMBING, LOOTING L.A.
WHITE HOUSE: IF U.S. LEVELS PYONYANG DURING SEC. CLINTON'S TRIP THERE, IT WILL BE AN INNOCENT ERROR
TEHRAN SHOPS BURN AS FURIOUS IRANIANS PROTEST PRO-KOBE REF CONSPIRACY IN NBA FINALS
FORMER U.S. PEANUT FARMER JIMMY CARTER CERTIFIES AHMADINEJAD 'WIN' IN IRANIAN ELECTION
CZAR APPOINTMENT CZAR MULLS NEED FOR TOBACCO CZAR
FIJI INSISTS ITS NUCLEAR RESEARCH EFFORTS ARE STRICTLY FOR WORLD DOMINATION
LETTERMAN: 'STUFFY' PALIN CAN'T TAKE JOKE ABOUT RAPED DAUGHTER
WHO DECLARES PANDEMIC, SAYS NO REASON FOR CONCERN OVER 'DEATH AND DESTRUCTION THAT WILL UNDOUBTEDLY FOLLOW'
STRUGGLING BOSTON GLOBE TO PAY EMPLOYEES IN FREE BOSTON GLOBE SUBSCRIPTIONS
LACKLUSTER OPENING EXPECTED FOR DOW ON FEARS THAT DOW MAY HAVE DOWN DAY
EXPERT: PARACHUTE PANTS COMEBACK MAY REINVIGORATE ECONOMY, PULL U.S. OUT OF RECESSION
WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY GIBBS REPLACED BY 'MORE COMPETENT' RANDY FROM 'MY NAME IS EARL'
NEW iPHONE 3GS APP CAN EFFECTIVELY FACILITATE PEACE IN THE MIDEAST
ALL TIES, BELTS, ROPES REMOVED FROM 'DEPRESSED' ORLANDO AFTER GAME 2 LOSS IN NBA FINALS
OBAMA SPEECH CANCELLED AFTER TELEPROMPTER ENGINE SEIZES UP
NEW QUICK-WEIGHT-LOSS DIET ALLOWS CELEBS TO GAIN HUNDREDS, MAKE QUICKER COMEBACKS
LOTTERY WINNER DESTITUTE AFTER $10 MILLION JACKPOT, 'CRAZY' NIGHT AT STRIP CLUB
OBAMA BOOSTS EMPLOYMENT BY EMPLOYING UNEMPLOYMENT CZAR
WHITE HOUSE BUTLERS RELIEVED ARAB WORLD DECLINES OBAMA'S INVITATION TO WATCH NBA FINALS AT WHITE HOUSE
OBAMA: IRAN 'HAS A RIGHT' TO ANNIHILATE ISRAEL FOR ITS ENERGY NEEDS
MAGIC WIN SCRIMMAGE AGAINST CARDBOARD CUTOUT KOBES 268-0
OBAMA APOLOGIZES TO ARABS FOR 'THOSE REDNECKS WHO WHINED' ABOUT SAUDI BOW
OBAMA TO CHAVEZ: PLEASE STOP 'LIKE'-ING EVERY ONE OF MY FACEBOOK STATUSES
OBAMA: IRAN HAS A RIGHT TO NUCLEAR POWER-TIPPED WARHEADS
TIME TRAVELER REPORTS 2013 PROGRESS IN THIRD GM-OBAMA WAR
SURI CRUISE ABANDONS SCIENTOLOGY AFTER LEARNING OF FREAKY ALIEN WARLORD GOD
ASHTON KUTCHER TAKES TOP SPOT IN PEOPLE'S '25 MOST ELIGIBLE MARRIED MEN'
GIBBS: ADDRESSING WHITE HOUSE PRESS POOL AS 'FRIENDS, ALLIES AND CO-WORKERS' WAS 'A POOR CHOICE OF WORDS'
PHIL SPECTOR STILL SURPRISED 'I COULDN'T HAVE KILLED HER - I WAS GOING TO GET MY GUN' DEFENSE DIDN'T WORK
WITH NATION DISTRACTED BY NBA PLAYOFFS, OBAMA SWAPS OUT VICE PRESIDENTS
SUSAN BOYLE MAINTAINS THANKFULNESS FOR FAME IN INTERVIEW FROM INSANE ASYLUM
CASH-STRAPPED JAPAN ERECTS CHAIN LINK FENCE TO PROTECT AGAINST NORTH KOREAN MISSILE ATTACK
BANKRUPTCY LOOMS FOR LOCAL AUTO DEALERSHIP DESPITE STD RESEARCH FUNDING IN STIMULUS PACKAGE
MILLIONS OF IDIOTS NOT TAKING ADVANTAGE OF '$10K A MONTH FROM YOUR COUCH' OFFERS
TEXAS BECOMES THE WORLD'S TENTH NUCLEAR POWER
U.N. THREATENS NORTH KOREA WITH 'A CERTAIN DEGREE OF FRIENDLY CONCERN' IF NUKE EFFORTS CONTINUE
REAL ESTATE VALUES PLUMMET WITHIN RADIUS OF NORTH KOREAN LAUNCH PAD
MAGIC WIN GAME 7 AGAINST CLEVELAND IN SMOKE-FILLED BACKROOM DEAL
JUMP IN CONSUMER IGNORANCE SPARKS DOW SURGE
ANTI-HISPANIC REPUBLICAN QUESTIONS SOTOMAYOR'S REVERSE DISCRIMINATION OPINION
OBAMA NOMINATES SONIA SOTOMAYOR'S HISPANIC ETHNICITY TO U.S. SUPREME COURT
U.N. ISSUES STERN CONDEMNATION OF ISRAEL IN WAKE OF SECOND NORTH KOREAN ROCKET LAUNCH
NORTH KOREAN MISSILE THREATENS OBAMA PLAN TO APPEASE ROGUE DICTATOR
PRESIDENT OBAMA CELEBRATES MEMORIAL DAY WITH BEST-OF-ROUND QUADRUPLE BOGIE ON 16
U.S. MEDIA'S MEMORIAL DAY TRIBUTES ECLIPSED BY JON & KATE COVERAGE
BLANK MOVIE SCREEN ON SHORT LIST FOR TOP HONORS AT CANNES
OBAMA PRAISES 'THOSE FIGHTING IN THE MIDDLE EAST', THANKS U.S. TROOPS TOO
PELOSI: 'THIS SILLY CIA STUFF' IS DISTRACTING AMERICANS FROM BRISTOL PALIN, RUSH LIMBAUGH'S DESIRE FOR OBAMA TO FAIL
ADVISORS TALK OBAMA OUT OF NATIONALIZING THE NATION'S LEMONADE STANDS
LAWMAKERS GIVEN 600-PAGE CLIFF NOTES FOR CLIMATE BILL, 15 MINUTES TO READ
OBAMA GETTING ERROR MESSAGES WHILE TRYING TO UNINSTALL CHENEY 2.0
IRAQI INFORMATION MINISTER STILL CLAIMING SADDAM STILL IN POWER
CHENEY-OBAMA 'BATTLE OF THE SPEECHES' PAY-PER-VIEW NUMBERS SET RECORD
IDIOTS STILL GETTING INTEREST-ONLY MORTGAGES CONTRIBUTING TO 2021 DEPRESSION
NIGERIAN EMAIL SCAMMERS LEAPFROG OVER NANCY PELOSI ON PEOPLE'S '1,000 PEOPLE WE LIKE' LIST
RACHEL MADDOW NIXED FROM TOP COURT VACANCY SHORT LIST; OBAMA SAYS 'THAT GUY IS TOO CONSERVATIVE'
#tcot ... Thank you for following the best in Conservative-flavored satire on the web!
SECRET NSA GADGET REVEALS: ROSWELL DETAILS AND EXISTENCE OF SECRET NSA GADGET TO BE OUTED IN FUTURE BIDEN GAFFE
OBAMA INTERRUPTS HECKLER'S SPEECH WITH COMMENCEMENT DIATRIBE
BIDEN SUGGESTS TWO STATE SOLUTION FOR PAKISTAN, TALIBAN
WORLD HEALTH ORG RAISES STRESS ALERT TO ALL-TIME HIGH FOR CELTICS FANS
CONTROVERSY ESCALATES AFTER OBAMA SUGGESTS MOVING GUANTANAMO DETAINEES TO NOTRE DAME
SURGEON GENERAL: LIVING, BREATHING, EATING CAUSES CANCER
ASTRONAUTS IN SPACEWALK TO TACKLE SPACE SHUTTLE OIL AND TIMING BELT CHANGES
WHITE HOUSE EMPLOYS OXYCLEAN GUY TO PEDDLE HEALTHCARE REFORM TO IDIOT MASSES
BURGER KING SALES INCREASE DESPITE HORRIFYING PLASTIC-FACED BURGER KING
POLL: 87% OF REMAINING NY TIMES READERS THINK 'THE MIDWEST' IS FOREIGN COUNTRY
CRAZY PELOSI ACCUSES CIA OF LYING, CHALLENGES MIKE TYSON TO ALLEYWAY FIST FIGHT
118 YR OLD McCAIN MOTHER REPLACES 16 YR OLD McCAIN DAUGHTER AS DE FACTO GOP HEAD
KANYE WEST ENRAGED AT BEING SPOOFED ON TWITTER, SAYS 'HEADS OF TWITTER HATE BLACK PEOPLE'
NO RELEASE OF DETAINEE PHOTOS; OBAMA SAYS 'IT'S ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT THEY EXIST, AND THAT WE'RE HORRIBLE'
SALE OF PICKETT COUNTY, TENNESSEE'S 16 ANDOVER DR. HINTS AT NATION-WIDE HOUSING BUBBLE COMEBACK
OBAMA FORCES STARBUCKS-TO-FOLGERS CHANGE IN CHRYSLER'S BREAKROOMS
OBAMA HANDLERS TO WEAN PRESIDENT FROM TELEPROMPTER, GIVE IT TO HIM 'ONLY AT NIGHTTIME'
ROBERT GIBBS STUMBLES WHEN ASKED WHO THE WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY IS
ARAB STREET ENRAGED AFTER MISS SAUDI ARABIA 'SEMI NUDE' REVEALS UPPER CHEEKBONE, 'WAY TOO MUCH FOREHEAD'
OVAL OFFICE FIST BUMP CLAIMED TO BE WHITE HOUSE ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF NATIONAL DAY OF PRAYER
TREKKIES RISK EXTENDING BACHELORHOOD WITH FRENZIED PILGRIMAGE TO NEW STAR TREK FLICK
INVESTORS RELIEVED THAT BANKS ONLY NEED 'BILLIONS AND BILLIONS MORE' TO SURVIVE; DOW SOARS
PRICE OF OIL SKYROCKETS ON GOV'S NEW CAR HANDOUT
OBAMA CLAIMS 'NOT PHOTOSHOPPED' STAMP PROVES LEGITIMACY OF HIS THREE BIRTH CERTIFICATES
CITIGROUP SHARES DROP TO 3.15 KIDNEY BEANS
BOSTON GLOBE SCALES BACK TO TOWN CRIER, MYSPACE-ONLY WEB PRESENCE
ELIZABETH EDWARDS: 'JOHN SAID THE MEDICAL TECHNOLOGY TO DETERMINE PATERNITY WILL BE AVAILABLE SOME DAY'
TAXPAYERS SHOULDER OBAMA'S $650K AIRFORCE ONE FLIGHT TO LOCAL DC BURGER JOINT
AMERICAN COUCH POTATOES SEEM SOMEWHAT EXCITED TO BE FINALLY GETTING 'THEIR FAIR SHARE'
LESS HOT, MORE POLITICALLY-CORRECT CONTESTANT WINS ANOTHER BEAUTY PAGEANT
DOW TANKS AFTER OBAMA MENTIONS 'MORE I WANT TO ACCOMPLISH'
SWINE FLU MASK INDUSTRY MOGULS INSIST WORST IS YET TO COME
MARY MATALIN FINALLY DECKS JAMES CARVILLE
REAM OF COPY PAPER RESERVED FOR OBAMA'S GITMO PLAN RECEIVES PARTY LINE VOTE IN SENATE
AMBITIOUS NASA PLEDGES MAN ON THE SUN BY 5019
BUSH RELAXING POOLSIDE WITH VIRGIN DAIQUIRI, TAN-THRU FLU MASK
FLU MASK SALES SURGE DESPITE SWINE FLU PANDEMIC FEARS; OBAMA ECONOMIC ADVISORS STUMPED
112 YR OLD SEN. BYRD GIVEN A PASS FOR NOT EMBRACING TWITTER
DEMOCRATS SAY 'YES' TO SUPREME COURT NOMINEE, SAY THEY 'ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO FIND OUT WHO IT WILL BE'
SKIDDISH INVESTORS JUMPING OUT OF GOLD, INTO TAMIFLU
NY STATE TAX AUDITOR TAXES LIMBAUGH FOR MENTIONING NEW YORK
CONFUSED MIKE GRAVEL RE-LAUNCHES 2008 PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN
RECESSION FORCES McDONALDS TO REPLACE CHICKEN WITH "CHICKEN"
WHITE HOUSE URGES AMERICANS TO LIMIT TRAVEL TO BIDEN'S PUBLIC EVENTS
LEAK: OBAMA ORIGINALLY PUSHED CHRYSLER TO PARTNER WITH SECTOR 9 SKATEBOARDS
BANK LEAVES TARP MONEY AT GEITHNER FRONT DOOR, KNOCKS, RUNS AWAY
CDC: NEW 109,000,001 'SUSPECTED SWINE FLU CASES' INCLUDE ENTIRE MEXICAN POPULATION, GUY FROM PHOENIX
MASSACHUSETTS TO OFFER ADJUSTABLE RATE MONTH-TO-MONTH MARRIAGE CONTRACTS
MEXICO CITY RESIDENT FLEES TO SAFER REFUGE IN THE GAZA STRIP
SPECTER ADMITS PARTY SWITCH MOTIVATED BY DESIRE TO STAY EMPLOYED IN CRUMBLING ECONOMY
OBAMA: 'THERE'S NO REASON TO PANIC YET OVER THIS SWINE FLU I INHERITED'
DEMOCRATS ISSUE KNEE-JERK SWINE FLU BUSH BLAME
DIAL LAUNCHES ANTIBACTERIAL IN NEW 55 GALLON DRUM SIZED CONTAINERS
ARLEN SPECTER FINALLY OUTS SELF AS A DEMOCRAT, WILL REMAIN IN DEMOCRATIC PARTY
OBAMA SCRAMBLES TO FIND INCOME TAX-PAYING HHS SECRETARY AS SWINE FLU SPREADS
SUSPECTED SWINE FLU CASE TURNS OUT TO ONLY BE NEWLY-MUTATED AVIAN BIRD FLU
SPRAWLING ADDITION TO OVAL OFFICE TO PROVIDE ROOM FOR NEW 'CRISIS INBOX'
VEGETARIANS USE SWINE FLU PANDEMIC AS ANOTHER EXCUSE TO NOT EAT TASTY PIGS
OBAMA PROPOSES IRONIC PORK-FILLED ANTI-SWINE FLU SPENDING BILL
NY TIMES: TOP-SECRET ISRAELI STEALTH ATTACK ON IRAN PLANNED FOR JULY 14, 5:35 P.M. TEHRAN TIME
SWINE FLU OUTBREAK PROMPTS OBAMA WHITE HOUSE TO REITERATE NEED FOR ADDITIONAL GUN CONTROL MEASURES
SWINE FLU OUTBREAK HAMPERS PREVIOUSLY-THRIVING MEXICO CITY PIG STY TOURS
FORD FINISHES BURNING THROUGH REST OF CASH, COLLAPSES ON CFO'S $24.36 LUNCH TAB
MICHAEL MOORE INFLUENZA MUTATES INTO SWINE FLU, PROMPTS PANDEMIC FEARS
McCAIN '08 CAMPAIGN FINALLY LAUNCHES FACEBOOK PRESENCE
HILLARY CLINTON OVERHEARD ON D.C. PAYPHONE CONFERENCING WITH HER 2012 EXPLORATORY COMMITTEE
CHRYSLER BOARD ACCEPTS BUYOUT OFFER FROM MIKE'S WINGS-N-THINGS
HACKERS CRACK 'SECURE' OBAMA BLACKBERRY, FIND 'THE COMMUNIST MANIFESTO FOR DUMMIES' eBOOK
JUSTICE DEPT DENIES OBAMA REQUEST TO LABEL FOX NEWS CRITICISM AS 'TORTURE'
OBAMA UP TO THREE PACKS A DAY
NY TIMES' RENT CHECK BOUNCES, SISTER PAPER COVERS $32 OVERDRAFT FEE
CRAIGSLIST MOVES TO PURGE SITE OF FRAUDULENT LISTINGS, SERIAL KILLERS
OBAMA ASKS CABINET TO HELP OFFSET $11 TRILLION DEFICIT BY USING 'ONE, OR LESS, SQUARE OF TOILET PAPER'
BARNEY FRANK FLIES WEST TO ANSWER SCREECHING PEREZ HILTON MATING CALL
MEGHAN McCAIN MISPRONOUNCES 'MEGHAN' DURING EXCORIATION OF GOP
KEITH OLBERMANN CHALLENGES MSNBC IN RACE TO 100 FOLLOWERS ON TWITTER
OBAMA DECLARES END TO WAR ON OVERSEAS MAN-MADE ACCIDENTAL CATASTROPHES
OBAMA ON CHAVEZ-GIFTED ANTI-U.S. BOOK: 'I LAUGHED, I CRIED, IT WAS LIKE I WROTE IT MYSELF'
WHITE HOUSE ASKS UNIVERSITY TO UNCOVER 'WE WORSHIP THIS MAN' ENGRAVING ON OBAMA LECTURN
NAPOLITANO ISSUES NEW WARNING AGAINST 'RIGHT-WING PIRATES TRYING TO HIJACK THE PRESIDENT'S AGENDA'
OBAMA BREAKS ANOTHER CAMPAIGN PROMISE, BE-FRIENDS HUGO CHAVEZ ON FACEBOOK
HOMELAND SECURITY ON ALERT AS RIGHT-WING EXTREMIST TERROR CELLS MEET, PLOT IN CHURCHES ACROSS COUNTRY
MADDEN: 'RETIREMENT IS ABOUT NOT WORKING ANYMORE, SO WHAT YOU'VE GOT TO DO IS NOT WORK'
NAPOLITANO APOLOGIZES FOR 'INAPPROPRIATE AND OUT OF LINE' RIGHT-WING EXTREMIST REPORT, AGREES TO LEFT-JUSTIFY SECTION HEADERS, CHANGE FONT
JENEANE GARAFOLO: RACIST 'HEROES' FANS HATE '24' FOR INCLUDING NON-VILLIAN BLACKS
TERRORIST 'PSYCHOLOGICALLY BATTERED' AFTER BABY BUTTERLY TORTURE HORROR
ANDERSON COOPER ON BEING BEAT IN RATINGS BY RACHEL MADDOW: 'I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M LOSING TO THIS GUY'
RECESSION REACHES GOOGLE; TECH GIANT TO MOW EMPLOYEE PUTTING GREEN ONLY TWICE A DAY
MATTEL SPOKESPERSON: TOYS ARE NOW 63% TOXIC CHEMICAL FREE
EMBARASSED TREASURY DEPT. RECALLS TAX EVASION INVESTIGATORS FROM MICHAEL SCOTT PAPER CO.
BARNEY FRANK CHASTISES MSNBC ANCHORS FOR 'TAKING TEABAGGING'S NAME IN VAIN'
GM DECRIES CHRYSLER'S 'AT LEAST WE'RE NOT GM' AD CAMPAIGN
OBAMA: 'I WAS HAPPY TO HEAR FROM MY HANDLERS THAT THERE'S BEEN TEA PARTY CELEBRATIONS ACROSS THE COUNTRY ON THIS GREAT DAY'
HOMELAND SECURITY: EXTREMIST RIGHT WING TERRORISTS HOST TEA PARTIES TO PROTEST 'INVESTING IN AMERICA'
KEITH OLBERMANN SAYS FIRST PRIVATE MEETING WITH OBAMA WAS 'INCREDIBLE'; WILL KEEP BABY
CHILD SUPPORT PAYMENTS FOR OCTOMOM'S CROWD OF KIDS MAY BANKRUPT TAXPAYERS WITH ANY MONEY LEFT
RIGHT WING EXTREMISTS STOCKING SHINGLE-ROOFED BUNKERS WITH BIBLES, AMERICAN FLAGS AND 'PALIN 2012' STICKERS
GEORGETOWN UNIVERSITY STUDENTS APPLAUD ERROR-FREE SPEECH READ BY OBAMA
OBAMA: IT MAKES SENSE TO LIFT CUBA RESTRICTIONS 'AS OUR TWO GOVERNMENTS ARE GROWING MORE SIMILAR EACH DAY'
SHIP CAPTAIN FREE AFTER PIRATE HEADS INTERRUPT FLIGHT OF SNIPER BULLETS
OBAMAS CUT DEAL WITH TMZ FOR FIRST PICS OF FIRST DOG
BIDEN CLAIMS CLEARING MORE TEXAS BRUSH THAN BUSH; ROVE DENIES
TWO BANKS, STD RESEARCH, AND OBAMA'S STIMULUS EFFORTS FAIL
OBAMA STICKS TO 'LET'S WAIT AND DO NOTHING' RESPONSE TO PIRATE CRISIS
MASSACHUSETTS THREATENS TO LAUNCH INTERSTATE BALLISTIC MISSLE THAT CAN REACH THE U.S.
OBAMA URGES DEFENSE CUTS TO FUND MORE PIRATE RANSOMS
KIM JONG IL CELEBRATES 120% OF VOTE IN PARLIAMENTARY ELECTION
WHITE HOUSE: NO BOW TO SAUDI KING; OBAMA WAS READING FLOOR-MOUNTED TELEPROMPTER
BENNY HINN ADJUSTS CASTRO DEATH PROPHECY, SAYS WILL BE 'SOMETIME IN THE NEXT FEW DECADES'
WHITE HOUSE DENIES BOW TO SAUDI KING WAS RESULT OF OBAMA MISTAKING HIM FOR BIN LADEN
OBAMA ACCEPTS FACEBOOK FRIEND REQUEST FROM AHMADINEJAD, IGNITES FIERY STATE DEPT STANDING OVATION
U.N. ISSUES STERN CONDEMNATION OF ISRAEL IN WAKE OF NORTH KOREAN ROCKET LAUNCH
STRUGGLING NY TIMES DOWN TO 'LAST DOZEN OR SO' READERS
TREASURY SECRETARY GEITHNER SETS SIGHTS ON 'OVER-COMPENSATED' QUICKIE MART MANAGERS
CZECH POLICE: 'FRENZIED CROWD OF FROTHING DEMONSTRATORS' TURNED OUT TO BE NBC JOURNALISTS WAITING TO GLIMPSE MICHELLE OBAMA
WORLD BACK AT EASE AS LAUNCH OF NORTH KOREAN ROCKET DEVESTATES LAUNCH PLATFORM, NEARBY FIELD
GUATEMALA PLANS MANNED SPACE TRAVEL BY 6016
NBC REPORTER CLAIMS 'UNBIASED JOURNALISM' DESPITE OBAMA LOGO NECK TATTOO
BRITISH PRIME MINISTER GORDON BROWN THROWS PANTIES ONTO STAGE DURING OBAMA SPEECH
PROPOSED BEER TAX HAS NATION'S DRINKERS ORGANIZING PROTESTS, RETURNING TO COUCH, PONG, OR FAVORITE DRINKING CHAIR
CHAOTIC LONDON STREETS BLOCKADED AS QUEEN ELIZABETH VISITS BEST BUY TO EXCHANGE IPOD FOR IPOD TOUCH
AS G20 SPEECH NEARS, OBAMA ORDERS TELEPROMPTER CARRIER INTO ENGLISH CHANNEL 'JUST IN CASE'
OBAMA AT G20 SUMMIT IN EUROPE, REFERS TO 'AMERICA'S ARROGANTLY PAVED STREETS'
TELEPROMPTER OUTAGE THREATENS U.S. PRESIDENT'S CONTINUED PARTICIPATION IN G20 SUMMIT
CONFLICKER APRIL FOOLS VIRUS DELETES ALL BUDGET FILES FROM WHITE HOUSE COMPUTERS, U.S. ECONOMY SAVED
JANET NAPOLITANO SWAPS 'WAR ON TERROR' WITH 'WAR ON OTHERWISE WELL-INTENTIONED FREEDOM FIGHTERS'
CONCERN GROWS AS GOOGLE QUIETLY GOBBLES UP SKYNET AND ECHELON
REUNITED BEATLES TO OPEN FOR OBAMA AT G20 SUMMIT
FEDERAL GOV TO GUARANTEE AUTO WARRANTIES AND PROVIDE 720-HOUR 'WHILE-YOU-WAIT' OIL CHANGES
HOSPITAL STAFF UNPLUG PATIENTS' LIFE SUPPORT MACHINERY FOR EARTH HOUR; 26 DEAD
OBAMA DEMANDS GM CEO'S AND D.C. BURGER KING REGISTER GIRL'S RESIGNATIONS
BARACK OBAMA MAKES SIXTH APPEARANCE ON COVER OF 'BETTER HOMES & GARDENS'
PEACE PROTESTERS VOW TO 'RAIN HELLFIRE, DEATH AND DESTRUCTION' ON G20 SUMMIT
CNN TANKS IN RATINGS, BEGS VIEWERSHIP LOYALTY FROM REMAINING FAMILY MEMBERS
CANDID CAMERA INSISTS OBAMA PRESIDENCY IS NOT ONE HUGE PRANK
U.N. PUSHES 'CASHLESS, MORE MARK OF THE BEAST-ISH' GLOBAL CURRENCY
OUTRAGED ANGELINA JOLIE MISTAKEN FOR 'THAT HOT OCTOMOM'
OBAMA TO DEPLOY MORE TROOPS IN WAR ON LIMBAUGH
ELECTROMAGNETIC PULSE ATTACK ON U.S. THREATENS CONTINUITY OF FUNNY SATIRE HEADLINES
INCREASING VOLUMES OF SPAM CROWDING OUT LEGITIMATE NIGERIAN GET-RICH-QUICK OFFERS
SURI CRUISE REACHES SCIENTOLOGY'S LEVEL 3, WILL LEARN ABOUT ALIEN WARLOCK XENU SOON
FOX NEWS REPORTER: I DITCHED ASSIGNED QUESTION ABOUT OBAMA'S PUPPY CHOICE
U.S. FOLLOWS GOOGLE, LAUNCHES 5 HR 'OOPS' BUTTON FOR CONGRESSIONAL LEGISLATION
OCTOMOM FOUND IN BUSHES STALKING TABLOID PAPARAZZO
REPORTERS CAUGHT TRADING ASSIGNED QUESTIONS PRIOR TO OBAMA PRESS CONFERENCE
LIBERAL GROUPS PUSH TO REVERSE WATERBOARDING BAN FOR AIG BONUS RECIPIENTS
NANCY PELOSI'S BOOK JUMPS FROM 184,354TH TO 184,355TH ON AMAZON
OBAMA DOWNLOADS TELEPROMPTER APP FOR MOBILE PHONE THAT'LL BE SITTING ON PRESSER PODIUM TONIGHT
APPROXIMATELY 23.5 HOURS UNTIL THE LAUNCH OF THE NEW PREVENTTRUTHDECAY.COM. APPROXIMATELY I SAY.
BANKS GROUP TOGETHER TO COUNTER-PROPOSE TOXIC GOVERNMENT BAILOUT PLAN
GEITHNER SETS STAGE FOR STOCK MARKET DROP BY SCHEDULING SPEECH WITH LIVE MIC
OBAMA SKIPS CABINET MEETING FOR BOWLING COACH'S PROMISE TO HELP IMPROVE SCORE
WASHINGTON D.C. MARCH AGAINST NEW FACEBOOK DRAWS THOUSANDS
ECONOMIC STRUGGLES FORCE U.S. POOR TO GIVE UP CELL PHONES, SECOND VEHICLES
IRANIAN PRESIDENT REMAINS COMMITTED TO NUKE PLANS, SAYS OBAMA'S WORDS, GREETING CARDS, PHONE CALLS, AND GIFTS ARE 'INSUFFICIENT'
TENS OF THOUSANDS FLOCK TO PAY HOMAGE TO IMAGE OF OBAMA ON OIL-SLICKED BRICK WALL IN PERU
EMPLOYEES ASKED TO RETURN $50 BURGER KING BONUSES AS AIG OUTRAGE SPREADS