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GUN ARRESTED FOR ORLANDO AREA SHOOTINGS

 
CNN: 'ALLAHU AKBAR'-SCREAMING NIDAL MALIK HASSAN WAS MOST LIKELY MEMBER OF WHITE SUPREMECIST GROUP

 
IRAN'S PEACEFUL NUCLEAR ENERGY PROJECT NOW IN 'ADVANCED WARHEAD DESIGN' PHASE

 
EUPHORIA OVER GOP WINS GIVES WAY TO REALIZATION THAT OBAMA STILL PRESIDENT

 
OBAMA VOTES 'PRESENT' DURING PHONE CONFERENCE WITH GENERAL ON AFGHAN TROOP LEVELS

 
WHITE HOUSE ASKS TALIBAN FOR HELP ON AFGHAN TROOP DECISION

 
'HOME SHOPPING NETWORK: SUPER SPATULAS' BEATING LENO IN RATINGS RACE

 
WAL-MART RESPONDS TO HEALTHCARE REFORM BY OFFERING CASKETS ON WEBSITE

 
GIBBS: ROCK-PAPER-SCISSORS SESSION FINALLY SCHEDULED TO DETERMINE AFGHAN STRATEGY DECISION

 
ROCKETS RAIN ON NORTHERN ISRAEL; OBAMA CALLS HEZBOLLAH ROCKET CREW TO BEER SUMMIT

 
DISTANT CLOUD DELAYS LAUNCH OF $50 BILLION NASA ROCKET

 
REPORT: INADEQUATE PROVISIONS IN HEALTHCARE BILL FOR EXPLOSION OF .99 CENT BURGER DEALS

 
MICROSOFT SCRAMBLES TO ROLL OUT WINDOWS 8 IN RESPONSE TO WINDOWS 7 BUGS

 
FREAKED-OUT TEEN RELIEVED TO DISCOVER THAT SAW CHARACTER IN ROOM WAS ONLY RECENTLY-PURCHASED SAW CHARACTER MASK

 
FOX NEWS DRONE REPORTS BACK ON WHITE HOUSE TROOP FORMATIONS

 
AGING McCAIN LASHES OUT AT SOVIETS, COMMUNIST EAST GERMANY

 
FLOUNDERING T-MOBILE CLAIMS 'NEED TO MAKE A PHONE CALL? THERE'S AN APP FOR THAT' IN NEW AD

 
OBAMA ASSURES DNC THAT SENIORS WON'T REMEMBER 2009 BY 2012 ELECTIONS

 
MIKE TYSON SCRAPS COMEBACK PLANS AFTER WATCHING REVEALING MIKE TYSON DOCUMENTARY

 
STUDY: COMPUTER NERDS NOW GETTING ALL THE MONEY, CHICKS

 
JOBLESS RATE JUMPS UP TO OBAMA APPROVAL RATING

 
SUSPENSION LIFTED OVER CUB SCOUT SPORK; STUBBORN SCHOOL BOARD SAYS 'FINE, WE'LL ALLOW GUNS IN THE SCHOOL'

 
PALESTINIANS, ISRAELIS TO SETTLE DIFFERENCES IN WII TENNIS TOURNAMENT

 
WOODY, ROMAN SIGN TO CO-DIRECT 'LITTLE WOMEN'

 
LETTERMAN'S RATINGS BUOYED BY HILARIOUS AFFAIRS

 
WITH TOILET PAPER FUNDING DRIED UP, CINDY SHEEHAN RETIRES FROM CRAWFORD PROTEST

 
SOME CALIFORNIANS REMAIN IN STATE AS RAT POPULATION FLEES TO SAFETY

 
U.N. PUSHES BIRDSEED TO REPLACE U.S. DOLLAR

 
NASA'S ATTEMPT TO BLOW MOON UP FAILS TO DIVERT ATTENTION FROM UNDESERVED NOBEL PRIZE

 
NOBEL PRIZE-LESS HILLARY CLINTON MEETING WITH THE PRESIDENT OF NAURU

 
TWINS CONCEDE ALDS TO YANKS, WIN NOBEL PEACE PRIZE

 
OBAMA LANDS NOBEL PRIZE FOR SUPPORT OF IRAN'S PEACEFUL NUCLEAR ENERGY EFFORTS

 
SAUDIS MULL SELLING SAND AS WORLD REDUCES FOSSIL FUEL USAGE

 
TMZ: KATE GOSSELIN GAINS POUND

 
NEW BARNEY FRANK INTERN NERVOUS BECAUSE HE'S TOTALLY NOT GAY

 
BRAZIL CLEARS 10,000 ACRES OF RAIN FOREST FOR NEW GREEN OLYMPIC VENUE

 
NETWORKS VYING FOR INEVITABLE JON GOSSELIN-JOEY BUTTAFUOCO PAY-PER-VIEW BOXING MATCH

 
OVERWHELMED POPE NOT SURE WHERE TO BEGIN CONDEMNING

 
OLYMPIC COMMITTEE BEING FITTED FOR CONCRETE SHOES AFTER DISSING CHICAGO

 
BIDS TO HOST 2016 OLYMPICS IGNORE 2012 END OF WORLD

 
LETTERMAN ADMITS TO CLINTONING STAFFERS

 
MULTI-MILLIONAIRE CAPITALIST MICHAEL MOORE SET TO RELEASE NEW MOVIE

 
OPRAH ANONYMOUSLY FUNDS CHARITY 'WITH MY OWN MONEY'

 
HOMELAND SECURITY OFFICIALLY DEEMS DELAWARE EXPENDABLE

 
RAPPER'S BENTLEY SUCKS LAST BIT OF CASH OUT OF OVER-LEVERAGED EXISTENCE

 
MAN HAS HARD TIME EXPLAINING RICHARD SIMMONS FAN BLOG TO WIFE

 
CARMEX NOT POWERFUL ENOUGH TO COMBAT GUY'S HERPES ONSLAUGHT

 
OBAMA ORDERS INVESTIGATIONS INTO KENNEDY ASSASSINATION, CHENEY SHOOTING AFTER GADHAFI SUGGESTION

 
OSAMA BIN LADEN'S BOOK CLUB NOW FEATURES ONE MADDOW, TWO CARTER TOMES

 
LAZY MICHAEL JORDAN RESTING ON HIS LAURELS

 
GADHAFI ADDRESSES U.N. IN SOME WEIRD, HARD TO UNDERSTAND LANGUAGE

 
KHLOE KARDASHIAN ADDRESSES INCREASINGLY IRRELEVANT U.N.

 
AL QUEDA ROTATES INTO U.N. SECURITY COUNCIL CHAIR POSITION

 
OBAMA SET FOR NICKELODEON, HSN INTERVIEWS

 
OBAMA CALLS FOR INVESTIGATION OF TAXPAYER-FUNDED ACORN CRITICS IN CONGRESS

 
OFFICE GUY 'THAT'S WHAT SHE SAYS' PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING

 
JOHN EDWARDS MEETS WITH ADVISERS TO PLOT BASTARD CHILD REVELATION STRATEGY

 
OBAMA: RECESSION EBBING, BUT AMERICANS SHOULD STILL PREPARE FOR JOB LOSS, BANKRUPTCY, FORECLOSURE

 
CNN: FBI ARRESTS UNDOUBTEDEBLY INNOCENT ARAB-LOOKING GUY IN TERROR PROBE

 
DISASTER BUNKER INDUSTRY BEGS OBAMA FOR ANOTHER PUBLIC STATEMENT

 
OBAMA SNUBS FOX NEWS INTERVIEW FOR TALK WITH PRAVDA, GRANMA, AND CHINA'S STATE 'NEWS'

 
MICHAEL MOORE HELPS JAY LENO SHOW SHED EXCESSIVELY HIGH RATINGS

 
CHARLIE GIBSON SHOCKED TO FIND OUT ABOUT ACORN, MOON LANDING

 
DICK GEPHARDT: BUSH 'EVEN MORE OF A MISERABLE FAILURE' FOR NOT REIGNING IN DISRESPECTFUL JOE WILSON

 
OBAMA'S POLLS APPROACH KANYE WEST'S LIKEABILITY RATING AMONG TAYLOR SWIFT FANS

 
CNN ESTIMATES D.C. PROTEST CROWD AT 'PROBABLY A THOUSAND TO MAYBE MILLIONS OR WHATEVER'

 
OBAMA UNLEASHED: IF HEALTHCARE NOT PASSED, 'BILLIONS WILL DIE, WORLD WILL END'

 
CNN: HYSTERICAL REPORT ON POTOMAC BOAT ATTACK WAS ONLY 'NEWS TRAINING INCIDENT'

 
WHITE HOUSE REMEMBERS 9-11 WITH SPLIT SECOND OF SILENCE

 
NANCY KERRIGAN IGNORES THIRD FACEBOOK FRIEND REQUEST FROM TONYA HARDING

 
PRESIDENT OBAMA INTERRUPTS JOE WILSON'S 'YOU LIE' SPEECH WITH JOINT SESSION OF CONGRESS

 
MICHELLE OBAMA EASILY WINS ARGUMENT AGAINST SPEECHLESS HUSBAND AS TELEPROMPTER PREPARES FOR TONIGHT'S SPEECH ON CAPITOL HILL

 
LOST ANIMAL CHARITY WORKERS PROVIDE FOOD FOR HUNGRY MOUNTAIN LION

 
EXCHANGE RATE JUMPS IN COSTLY NEW YORK CITY TO $50 USD = $1 NYD

 
'PANHANDLING TRAINING' IN THIRD STIMULUS BILL PROMPTS CONCERN, APPLAUSE

 
SECURITY TIGHT AT MJ'S FORREST LAWN BURIAL; MEDIA PUSHED BACK TO ARIZONA

 
REPORT: OBAMA POLL NUMBERS INDICATE CLIMATE CHANGE MORE WIDESPREAD THAN PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT

 
WHITE HOUSE PAY CZAR RECOMMENDS AWESOME PAY CZAR PAY RAISE

 
BATTLE BEGINS FOR KENNEDY'S SENATE STAPLER

 
INDIA ENDS PLAN TO COLONIZE MARS AFTER WICK ON WOODEN ROCKET FAILS TO IGNITE

 
PROPOSED 110% TAX ON TOP INCOME EARNERS RUFFLES RICH FEATHERS

 
PACE AND FLAVOR OF OBAMA INITIATIVES MAKING SATIRE IRRELEVANT

 
BILL O'REILLY AND BARNEY FRANK CANCEL CAMPING TRIP TOGETHER DUE TO ASTRONOMICALLY HIGH LEVEL OF EXTREME MUTUAL HATRED

 
OBAMA RELAXES INTERROGATION RULES, WILL ALLOW DETAINEES TO TORTURE

 
OBAMA COMMITS ADDITIONAL 5K TROOPS TO COMBAT RUSH LIMBAUGH SHOW

 
NATION DISTRACTED FROM PENDING APOCALYPSE BY MICHELLE OBAMA'S LEGS

 
POLITICIANS TO BE PROTECTED FROM NAZI PROTESTERS WITH NEW 'TOWN HALLS BY TEXT MESSAGING' FORMAT

 
OBAMA ASKS CLINTON TO EXPLAIN 'HILLARY 2012' BUMPER STICKERS SPILLING FROM HER BRIEF CASE

 
MAN TOTES M1A1 ABRAMS TANK TO TOWN HALL MEETING

 
OBAMA DROPS PUBLIC DEATH CAMPS FROM HEALTHCARE PROPOSAL

 
Y.E. YANG WINS KLCI 106.1 FM RADIO CONTEST FOR SPOT AT PGA CHAMPIONSHIP, BEATS TIGER

 
WEATHER CHANNEL PLANS HOUR-LONG 'ANA: THE STORM THAT MAY OR MAY NOT ANNIHILATE FLORIDA AND KILL MANY'

 
MICHAEL VICK APOLOGIZES FOR FREUDIAN 'I'LL KILL YOU DOG' SMACK-TALK TO OPPOSING TEAM MEMBER

 
40 YEARS AFTER WOODSTOCK, ATTENDEES STRUGGLE TO REMEMBER MUSIC FESTIVAL

 
JOHN EDWARDS ADMITS TO CLINTONING MISTRESS, FATHERING CHILD

 
JOHN EDWARDS ADMITS TO CLINTONING MISTRESS, FATHERING CHILD

 
EMBARRASSED GEORGE HAMILTON TURNS ORANGEY-RED

 
REPORT: 7 OF 10 CARS CURRENTLY ON SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA HIGHWAYS ARE BEING CHASED BY COPS

 
GOP PAYS RECORD SALARY, BENEFITS, AND 401K TO TOWN HALL RABBLE-ROUSER

 
NAZI MOBSTERS BRUTALLY ATTACK CONGRESSMAN WITH VISCIOUS REQUEST TO RECONSIDER HEALTHCARE VOTE

 
PELOSI: RADICAL UN-AMERICAN TERRORISTS ARE ATTEMPTING TO QUESTION CONGRESS IN TOWN HALLS

 
WHITE HOUSE REVISES OUTLOOK: ECONOMY 'NOT NEARLY AS GOOD AS OUR WORST-CASE SCENARIOS'

 
CELEBS STOCKPILE 'PICK-ME-UPS' AND 'TAKE-ME-DOWNS' IN ADVANCE OF MJ AUTOPSY RESULTS

 
AUTO DEALER DENIES AREA MAN'S 'CASH FOR CLUNKER WIFE' REQUEST

 
WHITE HOUSE: PROTESTS AGAINST HEALTHCARE BILL PROVES 'JUST HOW MANY SICK PEOPLE ARE OUT THERE'

 
RUSSIAN SUBS LURKING IN NYC SEWER SYSTEM 'TOOK WRONG TURN' DURING ATLANTIC TRAINING EXCERCISE

 
OBAMA SHARES BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION WITH 146 YR OLD HELEN THOMAS

 
FREED FEMALE JOURNALISTS REQUEST CHAPERONE FOR CLINTON MEETING

 
KIM JONG IL ADVISORS WARN OF PUBLIC BACKLASH AFTER 'ASSOCIATING WITH THE LIKES OF BILL CLINTON'

 
OBAMA DEFENDS 'SPENDING MONEY TO SAVE MONEY', CITES PONZI, MADOFF, BOOKIE BEHIND 7-11 DUMPSTER

 
JON & KATE BEER SUMMIT ENDS IN SCREAM CONTEST, BROKEN BOTTLES AND A BLACK EYE

 
WHITE HOUSE DENIES THAT 'CASH FOR WORTLESS JALOPIES' PROGRAM IS DEFUNCT

 
OBAMA-BUSH-CHENEY UNO GAME TO FOLLOW OBAMA'S BEER WITH CAMBRIDGE COP

 
HILLARY CLINTON MAINTAINS PROSPECT OF RUNNING AGAINST OBAMA CONTINUES TO BE SOMETHING SHE'LL CACKLE ABOUT

 
PRISON GYM RAT BERNIE MADOFF SUCCESSFULLY FIGHTS OFF SHIV ATTACK

 
THOUSANDS OF RECORD LOW JULY TEMPS SPARK AL GORE'S GLOBAL WARMING FEARS AGAIN SOMEHOW

 
IDI AMIN’S GENOCIDE RE-POSITIONED IN HISTORY AS ‘TEACHABLE MOMENT’

 
GOV: 'PROJECT 666' NAME FOR NATIONAL ID CHIP PROGRAM A 'MERE COINCIDENCE'

 
DEVALUED U.S. DOLLAR NOW ONLY WORTH SEVEN WHEELBARRELS OF IRAQI DINARS

 
OBAMA URGES CONGRESS TO PASS HEALTHCARE BILL BY 2 A.M.

 
WHITE HOUSE DELAYS BUDGET REPORT THAT INCLUDES $5 MILLION LINT BRUSH

 
SLEEPLESS SPACE SHUTTLE CREW WISHES THEY HADN'T STAYED UP LATE WATCHING ALIEN

 
ALEC BALDWIN, CARROT TOP, GALLAGHER CONSIDER FOLLOWING FRANKEN INTO SENATE

 
SOTOMAYOR CORRECTS CRITICS: 'I KNOW YOU KNOW YOU BELIEVE AND UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU AND I BELIEVE I SAID'

 
COMMITTEE THAT GAVE GORE CLIMATE CHANGE PRIZE GRANTS MADOFF NOBEL PRIZE FOR FINANCE

 
CNN: JAKARTA TERROR ATTACK 'MOST LIKELY CARRIED OUT BY TIMOTHY McVEIGH TYPES'

 
REPORT: LEGALIZING POT WILL INCREASE TAX REVENUES, BEN & JERRY'S ICE CREAM SALES

 
JOE JACKSON SETS UP WEBSITE, ASKS L.A. TAXPAYERS TO HELP WITH NEW RECORD COMPANY COSTS

 
DEMS SLIP SOCIAL SECURITY, WELFARE, AND NATIONAL DEFENSE REFORM INTO HEALTHCARE BILL

 
U.S. SET TO CELEBRATE 40TH ANNIVERSARY OF ALLEGED MOON LANDING

 
SHOCK REPORT: SHOCKING REPORTS ARE DISTURBING

 
BIDEN DOWNPLAYS EXPECTATIONS FOR STIMULUS: SAYS 'WE'LL MOST LIKELY ALL BE DEAD SOON'

 
TELEPROMPTER STAGES PROTEST OVER SOARING DEFICITS

 
AT CONFIRMATION HEARINGS, SEN. FRANKEN CIRCLING SOTOMAYOR ON MINI CLOWN BIKE

 
DEMS GRILL SOTOMAYOR OVER ICE CREAM FLAVOR PREFERENCE, PERFUME CHOICE

 
400 XANAX-PILLS-PER-DAY HABIT REVEALED IN UNSOLVED MJ DEATH MYSTERY

 
POST-MADOFF PALM BEACH REAL ESTATE MAG MISTAKEN FOR PHONE BOOK

 
TRIGGER-SHY NASA DELAYS SHUTTLE LAUNCH, CITES WORN WIPER BLADES

 
LARRY KING ALIVE, DESPITE RUMORS CIRCULATING AT LARRY KING FUNERAL

 
WHITE HOUSE: OBAMA WASN'T RUBBER-NECKING AT TEEN'S BACKSIDE; WAS BOWING TO NEARBY SAUDI KING

 
BUSY JESSE JACKSON SENDS CARDBOARD CUTOUT OF SELF TO INCITE RACIAL UNREST IN PHILLY

 
HEALTHCARE BILL INCLUDES BILLIONS FOR VINTAGE BIG WHEELS, RAINBOW-COLORED PROPELLER HATS

 
NBC JOURNALIST: IT WAS 'BITTERSWEET' TO FINALLY WASH HAND OBAMA SHOOK LAST YEAR

 
SHOCK: TALK OF 'NEW STIMULUS' IS THIRD; CONGRESS PASSED SECOND STIMULUS DURING MJ MEMORIAL

 
CNN ATTACKS MICHELLE OBAMA FOR 'NOT SHOWING MORE OF THOSE HEAVENLY ARMS'

 
JACKSON-SATURATED MEDIA ANXIOUS TO RETURN TO ATTACKING PALIN

 
JOE JACKSON ASKS TO COMBINE MICHAEL JACKSON EULOGY WITH NEW RECORD COMPANY IPO INFO

 
MJ FUNERAL MOTORCADE PULLS OVER TO SPANK BICKERING AL SHARPTON AND JESSE JACKSON

 
DAVID HASSELHOFF'S REQUEST TO PERFORM 'HIT SONG' AT JACKSON MEMORIAL DENIED

 
POLL: MOST STILL THINK FRANKEN SENATE ASCENDANCY IS A PRANK

 
OBAMA OFFERS PUTIN SCALPED TICKET TO JACKSON MEMORIAL IN EXCHANGE FOR FRIENDSHIP

 
MSNBC: FBI FAILS TO FIND FBI CORRUPTION CHARGES LEVIED AGAINST SCANDALOUS SARAH PALIN

 
STATESMAN AL FRANKEN MANAGES TO CONTAIN HILARIOUS BUSH-THE-IRAQI-BABY-KILLER JOKE HE WROTE

 
LEAK: OBAMA MAY SEIZE MORE INDUSTRIES WHILE NATION DISTRACTED BY MICHAEL JACKSON MEMORIAL

 
NASA ALERT AS INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION CLIPS EDGE OF OBAMA BUDGET

 
NORTH KOREA: WITH JUST ONE MORE ROLL OF DUCT TAPE, SOME TWINE AND A BIC LIGHTER, WOODEN ROCKET WILL ANNIHILATE U.S.

 
LIQUID NAILS NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO HOLD WOODEN NORTH KOREAN ROCKET TOGETHER; LAUNCH SCRUBBED

 
FOX NEWS' CARL CAMERON: SELFISH PALIN ATTEMPTING TO MONOPOLIZE NEWS CYCLE

 
SARAH PALIN VACATING GOVERNOR'S POST TO ATTEND TO WHATEVER EVERYONE'S SPECULATING ABOUT

 
COLIN POWELL EXPRESSES 'A CERTAIN DEGREE OF NUANCED CONCERN' OVER OBAMA AGENDA

 
NASA: WEIGHT OF ADDITIONAL FED CASH THROWING EARTH'S ORBIT ASKEW

 
JOE JACKSON OFFERING MICHAEL JACKSON AUTOPSY PHOTOS IN EXCHANGE FOR INTEREST IN STUPID NEW RECORD COMPANY

 
WHITE HOUSE SAYS OBAMA TOWN HALL QUESTION TO AUDIENCE MEMBER RAHM EMANUEL NOT STAGED

 
BANKRUPTCY LOOMS FOR PLAYBOY AFTER HELEN THOMAS NUDE COVER

 
JESSE JACKSON, AL SHARPTON MUD WRESTLE OVER MICHAEL JACKSON FUNERAL MOTORCADE POLE POSITION

 
CONSTRUCTION CREWS GETTING MICHAEL JACKSON READY FOR PUBLIC VIEWING AT NEVERLAND

 
APOLLO THEATER HOSTS AL SHARPTON'S MICHAEL JACKSON MEMORIAL TRIBUTE STARRING AL SHARPTON

 
FRANKEN TO SENATE, U.S. CONGRESS NOW OFFICIALLY A CRAPPY SNL SKIT

 
TROOPS PULLED FROM IRAQ FOR MICHAEL JACKSON LA FUNERAL DUTY

 
BLANKET USES FATHER'S TRAGIC DEATH TO ASK FOR NEW NAME

 
OBAMA PICKS CELEBRITY HEALTH CZAR, CITES RECENT 'CRISES'

 
INVESTIGATION REVEALS WHINING GOP HAD 'MORE THAN TEN MINUTES' TO READ SHORT 300 PAGE GREEN TAX BILL ON iPHONE KINDLE APPS

 
BERNIE MADOFF SENTENCED TO WALK PALM BEACH STREETS UNARMED

 
MICHAEL JACKSON'S WILLED REQUEST TO BURY DEBT WITH HIM DENIED

 
BET AWARDS CENSOR COLLAPSES FROM EXHAUSTION

 
HOLLYWOOD ASKS OBAMA TO APPOINT 'A CZAR OF SOME SORT' TO PREVENT MORE CELEB DEATHS

 
ENERGY TAX BILL SLIPPED THROUGH HOUSE WHILE CONCERNED AMERICANS BREATHLESSLY AWAIT JACKO TOX RESULTS

 
OBAMA: IT'S TIME FOR THE NATION TO RETURN TO MOURNING MY LEGACY

 
NORTH KOREA USES MICHAEL JACKSON DIVERSION AS OPPORTUNITY TO ANNIHILATE HAWAII

 
MICHAEL JORDAN ALIVE AND WELL IN CHICAGO

 
MARK SANFORD PROMISES TO WEAR MONITORING BRACELET IF HE'S ALLOWED TO STILL BE GOVERNOR

 
SHAQ TRADED TO CAVS FOR BEN WALLACE AND SEASON TICKETS TO CAVS GAMES

 
RACY 'THREESOME' EMAILS REVEALED BETWEEN CHRIS MATTHEWS, KEITH OLBERMANN, AND OBAMA

 
OBAMA RESCINDS IRANIAN DIPLOMATS' INVITE TO SPECIAL OLYMPICS BOWL-A-THON AT WHITE HOUSE

 
SC GOVERNOR ADMITS TO CLINTONING ARGENTINIAN WOMAN

 
CNN CONFIRMS OBAMA-TO-AHMADINEJAD INBOX MESSAGE ON FACEBOOK

 
FOX NEWS' MAJOR GARRETT DISINVITED FROM OBAMA'S MEDIA SLUMBER PARTY

 
CRAIGSLIST INSISTS IT SHED 'MOST OF THE MASS MURDERERS' ON ITS SITE

 
OBAMA MOVES JOURNALISTS FROM ROSE GARDEN TO 'MORE FAMILIAR' WHITE HOUSE JACUZZI FOR PRESSER

 
OBAMA SCHEDULED TO ATTEND TELEPROMPTER'S ROSE GARDEN SPEECH

 
'JON & KATE PLUS 8'-OBSESSED HAWAIIANS 'DON'T HAVE TIME TO WORRY ABOUT' PENDING NUCLEAR ANNIHILATION

 
NORTH KOREA DELAYS NUKE ATTACK ON HAWAII; CITES NEED FOR SPOOL OF TWINE, BIC LIGHTER

 
ARROGANT CHRIS BROWN REFUSES TO PLEAD 'NOT A MAN, GUILTY OF BEING A TOTAL ASS'

 
OBAMA MULLS OVAL OFFICE REALITY SHOW TO PULL RATINGS OUT OF TOILET

 
HONOLULU LOCAL POLICE ASK WHITE HOUSE FOR PERMISSION TO ANNIHILATE NORTH KOREA

 
TIGER WOODS BUYS COMPANIES EMPLOYING DRUNKEN U.S. OPEN HECKLERS, FIRES THEM

 
MOON ROVER EXPECTED TO DELIVER PHOTOSHOPPED PROOF OF U.S. MOON LANDINGS

 
JIMMY CARTER TO OBAMA: 'YOU'RE WORSE THAN I WAS, AND AM'

 
JOHN McCAIN SWIMS OUT TO INTERCEPT NORTH KOREAN SHIP

 
OBAMA CAUTIONS U.S. NAVY AGAINST 'MEDDLING IN NORTH KOREA'S NUCLEAR EFFORTS'

 
AYATOLLAH KHAMENEI CALLS IRANIAN ELECTION 'DEFINITIVE VICTORY', SAYS PERSONALLY COUNTED VOTES BEFORE SPEECH

 
MICHAEL MOORE HIJACKED BY SOMALI PIRATES, SAILED TO DEEP WATER BERTH AFTER RANSOM DEMAND

 
OBAMA ASKS U.N. SECURITY COUNCIL TO TAKE HARDER STANCE ON FOX NEWS

 
WAL-MART CREATING ITS OWN CIVILIAN DEFENSE FORCE ON NATIONALIZATION FEARS

 
IRANIAN MULLAHS THREATEN TO 'UNPLUG EVERY ELECTRIC INTERNET MACHINE AND TWITTER BOX'

 
SPRAWLING ADDITION TO ROBERT GIBBS' OFFICE TO HOUSE NY TIMES EDITORIAL STAFF

 
MEDIA BARRED FROM OBAMA'S IRAN COMMENTS

 
CARTER NARROWLY ESCAPES ROADSIDE BEARHUG EMBRACE FROM HAMAS MILITANTS

 
AMERICANS DISTRACTED FROM SLIDE INTO OBLIVION BY NEW MICHELLE OBAMA DRESS

 
AHMADINEJAD AGREES TO PERSONALLY RECOUNT VOTES IN CONTESTED IRANIAN ELECTION

 
BROKE CA OFFERS TO THROW PARTY FOR LAKERS AT L.A. JACK IN THE BOX

 
WHITE HOUSE: IRAN, NORTH KOREA WILL JOIN U.S. IN 'AXIS OF EVOLVING CONCERNS'

 
FANS CELEBRATE LAKERS' CHAMPIONSHIP BY BURNING DOWN, BOMBING, LOOTING L.A.

 
WHITE HOUSE: IF U.S. LEVELS PYONYANG DURING SEC. CLINTON'S TRIP THERE, IT WILL BE AN INNOCENT ERROR

 
TEHRAN SHOPS BURN AS FURIOUS IRANIANS PROTEST PRO-KOBE REF CONSPIRACY IN NBA FINALS

 
FORMER U.S. PEANUT FARMER JIMMY CARTER CERTIFIES AHMADINEJAD 'WIN' IN IRANIAN ELECTION

 
CZAR APPOINTMENT CZAR MULLS NEED FOR TOBACCO CZAR

 
FIJI INSISTS ITS NUCLEAR RESEARCH EFFORTS ARE STRICTLY FOR WORLD DOMINATION

 
LETTERMAN: 'STUFFY' PALIN CAN'T TAKE JOKE ABOUT RAPED DAUGHTER

 
WHO DECLARES PANDEMIC, SAYS NO REASON FOR CONCERN OVER 'DEATH AND DESTRUCTION THAT WILL UNDOUBTEDLY FOLLOW'

 
STRUGGLING BOSTON GLOBE TO PAY EMPLOYEES IN FREE BOSTON GLOBE SUBSCRIPTIONS

 
LACKLUSTER OPENING EXPECTED FOR DOW ON FEARS THAT DOW MAY HAVE DOWN DAY

 
EXPERT: PARACHUTE PANTS COMEBACK MAY REINVIGORATE ECONOMY, PULL U.S. OUT OF RECESSION

 
WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY GIBBS REPLACED BY 'MORE COMPETENT' RANDY FROM 'MY NAME IS EARL'

 
NEW iPHONE 3GS APP CAN EFFECTIVELY FACILITATE PEACE IN THE MIDEAST

 
ALL TIES, BELTS, ROPES REMOVED FROM 'DEPRESSED' ORLANDO AFTER GAME 2 LOSS IN NBA FINALS

 
OBAMA SPEECH CANCELLED AFTER TELEPROMPTER ENGINE SEIZES UP

 
NEW QUICK-WEIGHT-LOSS DIET ALLOWS CELEBS TO GAIN HUNDREDS, MAKE QUICKER COMEBACKS

 
LOTTERY WINNER DESTITUTE AFTER $10 MILLION JACKPOT, 'CRAZY' NIGHT AT STRIP CLUB

 
OBAMA BOOSTS EMPLOYMENT BY EMPLOYING UNEMPLOYMENT CZAR

 
WHITE HOUSE BUTLERS RELIEVED ARAB WORLD DECLINES OBAMA'S INVITATION TO WATCH NBA FINALS AT WHITE HOUSE

 
OBAMA: IRAN 'HAS A RIGHT' TO ANNIHILATE ISRAEL FOR ITS ENERGY NEEDS

 
MAGIC WIN SCRIMMAGE AGAINST CARDBOARD CUTOUT KOBES 268-0

 
OBAMA APOLOGIZES TO ARABS FOR 'THOSE REDNECKS WHO WHINED' ABOUT SAUDI BOW

 
OBAMA TO CHAVEZ: PLEASE STOP 'LIKE'-ING EVERY ONE OF MY FACEBOOK STATUSES

 
OBAMA: IRAN HAS A RIGHT TO NUCLEAR POWER-TIPPED WARHEADS

 
TIME TRAVELER REPORTS 2013 PROGRESS IN THIRD GM-OBAMA WAR

 
SURI CRUISE ABANDONS SCIENTOLOGY AFTER LEARNING OF FREAKY ALIEN WARLORD GOD

 
ASHTON KUTCHER TAKES TOP SPOT IN PEOPLE'S '25 MOST ELIGIBLE MARRIED MEN'

 
GIBBS: ADDRESSING WHITE HOUSE PRESS POOL AS 'FRIENDS, ALLIES AND CO-WORKERS' WAS 'A POOR CHOICE OF WORDS'

 
PHIL SPECTOR STILL SURPRISED 'I COULDN'T HAVE KILLED HER - I WAS GOING TO GET MY GUN' DEFENSE DIDN'T WORK

 
WITH NATION DISTRACTED BY NBA PLAYOFFS, OBAMA SWAPS OUT VICE PRESIDENTS

 
SUSAN BOYLE MAINTAINS THANKFULNESS FOR FAME IN INTERVIEW FROM INSANE ASYLUM

 
CASH-STRAPPED JAPAN ERECTS CHAIN LINK FENCE TO PROTECT AGAINST NORTH KOREAN MISSILE ATTACK

 
BANKRUPTCY LOOMS FOR LOCAL AUTO DEALERSHIP DESPITE STD RESEARCH FUNDING IN STIMULUS PACKAGE

 
MILLIONS OF IDIOTS NOT TAKING ADVANTAGE OF '$10K A MONTH FROM YOUR COUCH' OFFERS

 
TEXAS BECOMES THE WORLD'S TENTH NUCLEAR POWER

 
U.N. THREATENS NORTH KOREA WITH 'A CERTAIN DEGREE OF FRIENDLY CONCERN' IF NUKE EFFORTS CONTINUE

 
REAL ESTATE VALUES PLUMMET WITHIN RADIUS OF NORTH KOREAN LAUNCH PAD

 
MAGIC WIN GAME 7 AGAINST CLEVELAND IN SMOKE-FILLED BACKROOM DEAL

 
JUMP IN CONSUMER IGNORANCE SPARKS DOW SURGE

 
ANTI-HISPANIC REPUBLICAN QUESTIONS SOTOMAYOR'S REVERSE DISCRIMINATION OPINION

 
OBAMA NOMINATES SONIA SOTOMAYOR'S HISPANIC ETHNICITY TO U.S. SUPREME COURT

 
U.N. ISSUES STERN CONDEMNATION OF ISRAEL IN WAKE OF SECOND NORTH KOREAN ROCKET LAUNCH

 
NORTH KOREAN MISSILE THREATENS OBAMA PLAN TO APPEASE ROGUE DICTATOR

 
PRESIDENT OBAMA CELEBRATES MEMORIAL DAY WITH BEST-OF-ROUND QUADRUPLE BOGIE ON 16

 
U.S. MEDIA'S MEMORIAL DAY TRIBUTES ECLIPSED BY JON & KATE COVERAGE

 
BLANK MOVIE SCREEN ON SHORT LIST FOR TOP HONORS AT CANNES

 
OBAMA PRAISES 'THOSE FIGHTING IN THE MIDDLE EAST', THANKS U.S. TROOPS TOO

 
PELOSI: 'THIS SILLY CIA STUFF' IS DISTRACTING AMERICANS FROM BRISTOL PALIN, RUSH LIMBAUGH'S DESIRE FOR OBAMA TO FAIL

 
ADVISORS TALK OBAMA OUT OF NATIONALIZING THE NATION'S LEMONADE STANDS

 
LAWMAKERS GIVEN 600-PAGE CLIFF NOTES FOR CLIMATE BILL, 15 MINUTES TO READ

 
OBAMA GETTING ERROR MESSAGES WHILE TRYING TO UNINSTALL CHENEY 2.0

 
IRAQI INFORMATION MINISTER STILL CLAIMING SADDAM STILL IN POWER

 
CHENEY-OBAMA 'BATTLE OF THE SPEECHES' PAY-PER-VIEW NUMBERS SET RECORD

 
IDIOTS STILL GETTING INTEREST-ONLY MORTGAGES CONTRIBUTING TO 2021 DEPRESSION

 
NIGERIAN EMAIL SCAMMERS LEAPFROG OVER NANCY PELOSI ON PEOPLE'S '1,000 PEOPLE WE LIKE' LIST

 
RACHEL MADDOW NIXED FROM TOP COURT VACANCY SHORT LIST; OBAMA SAYS 'THAT GUY IS TOO CONSERVATIVE'

 
#tcot ... Thank you for following the best in Conservative-flavored satire on the web!

 
SECRET NSA GADGET REVEALS: ROSWELL DETAILS AND EXISTENCE OF SECRET NSA GADGET TO BE OUTED IN FUTURE BIDEN GAFFE

 
OBAMA INTERRUPTS HECKLER'S SPEECH WITH COMMENCEMENT DIATRIBE

 
BIDEN SUGGESTS TWO STATE SOLUTION FOR PAKISTAN, TALIBAN

 
WORLD HEALTH ORG RAISES STRESS ALERT TO ALL-TIME HIGH FOR CELTICS FANS

 
CONTROVERSY ESCALATES AFTER OBAMA SUGGESTS MOVING GUANTANAMO DETAINEES TO NOTRE DAME

 
SURGEON GENERAL: LIVING, BREATHING, EATING CAUSES CANCER

 
ASTRONAUTS IN SPACEWALK TO TACKLE SPACE SHUTTLE OIL AND TIMING BELT CHANGES

 
WHITE HOUSE EMPLOYS OXYCLEAN GUY TO PEDDLE HEALTHCARE REFORM TO IDIOT MASSES

 
BURGER KING SALES INCREASE DESPITE HORRIFYING PLASTIC-FACED BURGER KING

 
POLL: 87% OF REMAINING NY TIMES READERS THINK 'THE MIDWEST' IS FOREIGN COUNTRY

 
CRAZY PELOSI ACCUSES CIA OF LYING, CHALLENGES MIKE TYSON TO ALLEYWAY FIST FIGHT

 
118 YR OLD McCAIN MOTHER REPLACES 16 YR OLD McCAIN DAUGHTER AS DE FACTO GOP HEAD

 
KANYE WEST ENRAGED AT BEING SPOOFED ON TWITTER, SAYS 'HEADS OF TWITTER HATE BLACK PEOPLE'

 
NO RELEASE OF DETAINEE PHOTOS; OBAMA SAYS 'IT'S ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT THEY EXIST, AND THAT WE'RE HORRIBLE'

 
SALE OF PICKETT COUNTY, TENNESSEE'S 16 ANDOVER DR. HINTS AT NATION-WIDE HOUSING BUBBLE COMEBACK

 
OBAMA FORCES STARBUCKS-TO-FOLGERS CHANGE IN CHRYSLER'S BREAKROOMS

 
OBAMA HANDLERS TO WEAN PRESIDENT FROM TELEPROMPTER, GIVE IT TO HIM 'ONLY AT NIGHTTIME'

 
ROBERT GIBBS STUMBLES WHEN ASKED WHO THE WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY IS

 
ARAB STREET ENRAGED AFTER MISS SAUDI ARABIA 'SEMI NUDE' REVEALS UPPER CHEEKBONE, 'WAY TOO MUCH FOREHEAD'

 
OVAL OFFICE FIST BUMP CLAIMED TO BE WHITE HOUSE ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF NATIONAL DAY OF PRAYER

 
TREKKIES RISK EXTENDING BACHELORHOOD WITH FRENZIED PILGRIMAGE TO NEW STAR TREK FLICK

 
INVESTORS RELIEVED THAT BANKS ONLY NEED 'BILLIONS AND BILLIONS MORE' TO SURVIVE; DOW SOARS

 
PRICE OF OIL SKYROCKETS ON GOV'S NEW CAR HANDOUT

 
OBAMA CLAIMS 'NOT PHOTOSHOPPED' STAMP PROVES LEGITIMACY OF HIS THREE BIRTH CERTIFICATES

 
CITIGROUP SHARES DROP TO 3.15 KIDNEY BEANS

 
BOSTON GLOBE SCALES BACK TO TOWN CRIER, MYSPACE-ONLY WEB PRESENCE

 
ELIZABETH EDWARDS: 'JOHN SAID THE MEDICAL TECHNOLOGY TO DETERMINE PATERNITY WILL BE AVAILABLE SOME DAY'

 
TAXPAYERS SHOULDER OBAMA'S $650K AIRFORCE ONE FLIGHT TO LOCAL DC BURGER JOINT

 
AMERICAN COUCH POTATOES SEEM SOMEWHAT EXCITED TO BE FINALLY GETTING 'THEIR FAIR SHARE'

 
LESS HOT, MORE POLITICALLY-CORRECT CONTESTANT WINS ANOTHER BEAUTY PAGEANT

 
DOW TANKS AFTER OBAMA MENTIONS 'MORE I WANT TO ACCOMPLISH'


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