JANET NAPOLITANO SWAPS 'WAR ON TERROR' WITH 'WAR ON OTHERWISE WELL-INTENTIONED FREEDOM FIGHTERS'

CONCERN GROWS AS GOOGLE QUIETLY GOBBLES UP SKYNET AND ECHELON

REUNITED BEATLES TO OPEN FOR OBAMA AT G20 SUMMIT

FEDERAL GOV TO GUARANTEE AUTO WARRANTIES AND PROVIDE 720-HOUR 'WHILE-YOU-WAIT' OIL CHANGES

HOSPITAL STAFF UNPLUG PATIENTS' LIFE SUPPORT MACHINERY FOR EARTH HOUR; 26 DEAD

OBAMA DEMANDS GM CEO'S AND D.C. BURGER KING REGISTER GIRL'S RESIGNATIONS

BARACK OBAMA MAKES SIXTH APPEARANCE ON COVER OF 'BETTER HOMES & GARDENS'

PEACE PROTESTERS VOW TO 'RAIN HELLFIRE, DEATH AND DESTRUCTION' ON G20 SUMMIT

CNN TANKS IN RATINGS, BEGS VIEWERSHIP LOYALTY FROM REMAINING FAMILY MEMBERS

CANDID CAMERA INSISTS OBAMA PRESIDENCY IS NOT ONE HUGE PRANK

U.N. PUSHES 'CASHLESS, MORE MARK OF THE BEAST-ISH' GLOBAL CURRENCY

OUTRAGED ANGELINA JOLIE MISTAKEN FOR 'THAT HOT OCTOMOM'

OBAMA TO DEPLOY MORE TROOPS IN WAR ON LIMBAUGH

ELECTROMAGNETIC PULSE ATTACK ON U.S. THREATENS CONTINUITY OF FUNNY SATIRE HEADLINES

INCREASING VOLUMES OF SPAM CROWDING OUT LEGITIMATE NIGERIAN GET-RICH-QUICK OFFERS

SURI CRUISE REACHES SCIENTOLOGY'S LEVEL 3, WILL LEARN ABOUT ALIEN WARLOCK XENU SOON

FOX NEWS REPORTER: I DITCHED ASSIGNED QUESTION ABOUT OBAMA'S PUPPY CHOICE

U.S. FOLLOWS GOOGLE, LAUNCHES 5 HR 'OOPS' BUTTON FOR CONGRESSIONAL LEGISLATION

OCTOMOM FOUND IN BUSHES STALKING TABLOID PAPARAZZO

REPORTERS CAUGHT TRADING ASSIGNED QUESTIONS PRIOR TO OBAMA PRESS CONFERENCE

LIBERAL GROUPS PUSH TO REVERSE WATERBOARDING BAN FOR AIG BONUS RECIPIENTS

NANCY PELOSI'S BOOK JUMPS FROM 184,354TH TO 184,355TH ON AMAZON

OBAMA DOWNLOADS TELEPROMPTER APP FOR MOBILE PHONE THAT'LL BE SITTING ON PRESSER PODIUM TONIGHT

APPROXIMATELY 23.5 HOURS UNTIL THE LAUNCH OF THE NEW PREVENTTRUTHDECAY.COM. APPROXIMATELY I SAY.

BANKS GROUP TOGETHER TO COUNTER-PROPOSE TOXIC GOVERNMENT BAILOUT PLAN

GEITHNER SETS STAGE FOR STOCK MARKET DROP BY SCHEDULING SPEECH WITH LIVE MIC

OBAMA SKIPS CABINET MEETING FOR BOWLING COACH'S PROMISE TO HELP IMPROVE SCORE

WASHINGTON D.C. MARCH AGAINST NEW FACEBOOK DRAWS THOUSANDS

 

ECONOMIC STRUGGLES FORCE U.S. POOR TO GIVE UP CELL PHONES, SECOND VEHICLES

 

IRANIAN PRESIDENT REMAINS COMMITTED TO NUKE PLANS, SAYS OBAMA'S WORDS, GREETING CARDS, PHONE CALLS, AND GIFTS ARE 'INSUFFICIENT'

 

TENS OF THOUSANDS FLOCK TO PAY HOMAGE TO IMAGE OF OBAMA ON OIL-SLICKED BRICK WALL IN PERU

 

EMPLOYEES ASKED TO RETURN $50 BURGER KING BONUSES AS AIG OUTRAGE SPREADS

SARAH PALIN'S EXPLORATORY COMMITTEE UNCOVERS 'QUESTIONABLE CIRCUITRY' IN OBAMA'S TELEPROMPTER

BANKING INDUSTRY FIGHTS BACK, CREDIT UNIONS COLLABORATE IN ATTEMPT TO SEIZE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT

 

POLL: ECONOMY CONCERNS SURPASSED BY WORRIES OVER NEW FACEBOOK FORMAT

INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION BUMPED BY OUTER EDGE OF OBAMA BUDGET

 

PROTECTIVE WHITE HOUSE MEDIA PR MACHINE BARS PRESS FROM PRESS CONFERENCE

 

WHITE HOUSE SPOKESMAN DISMISSES CRITICISM OF OBAMA'S LENO APPEARANCE, SAYS CONSERVATIVES WILL 'PROBABLY WINE ABOUT HIS JUNE APPEARANCE ON MTV'S JACKASS TOO'

 

NYC SUFFERS GLOBAL WARMING'S WRATH WITH SPRING SNOW

TELEPROMPTER-LESS OBAMA MAKES FUN OF SPECIAL OLYMPICS, HOMELESS PEOPLE ON LENO SHOW

LINCOLN GHOST MOVES OUT OF WHITE HOUSE, CITES BEING 'HAUNTED BY WHAT'S GOING ON IN THERE'

OBAMA IN ATTENDANCE AS TELEPROMPTER DELIVERS ROSE GARDEN SPEECH

GEITHNER DROPS TREASURY SECRETARY GIG FOR JOB AT FRANK'S CHICKEN HOUSE

DEMS MULL BAILOUT FOR AUTO OWNERS HIT WITH RISING SPINNER RIMS COST

MISCALCULATING OBAMA INSISTS VETERANS CAN 'WASH DISHES OR MAKE LICENSE PLATES' TO AFFORD HEALTHCARE

POLL: MOST REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT BARNEY FRANK IS ACTUAL CONGRESSMAN

AIG ASKS FOR MORE BAILOUT FUNDS TO RESOD EMPLOYEE DRIVING RANGE

HILLARY CLINTON SECRETLY RUNNING 2012 PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN FROM STATE DEPARTMENT BROOM CLOSET

 

RIHANNA SWOONS OVER I-SWEAR-TO-NOT-MURDER-YOU PROMISE RING FROM CHRIS BROWN

 

MIKE TYSON CALLS WINNER IN CRAMER-STEWART PAY-PER-VIEW SMACKDOWN

 

BITHLO COMMUNITY SAVINGS BANK IN TALKS TO BUY CITIBANK

 

SMART CAR TOTALLED IN COLLISION WITH OVERWEIGHT PEDESTRIAN

OBAMA EMPHASIZES 'HOPE' AND 'CHANGE' IN TALK ABOUT HIS POLL NUMBERS

MADOFF OPTS FOR DEATH PENALTY TO AVOID FREE ROUND OF GOLF AT PALM BEACH COUNTRY CLUB

OBAMA WITHDRAWS FROM MANAGEMENT OF TREASURY DEPT NOMINEE SEARCH

ENRAGED VICTIMS THROW TOP HATS, MONOCLES AT MADOFF AS HE ARRIVES FOR HEARING

SPINELESS JUDGE AGREES TO HOLD CRIMINAL HEARING IN MADOFF'S PENTHOUSE

KEITH OLBERMANN'S VIEWERSHIP DROPS BY HALF AS MOTHER, SISTER TURN TO CNN

 

OBAMA GRABS WRONG DOC FROM DESK PILE, ACCIDENTALLY SIGNS THIRD STIMULUS BILL BEFORE SIGNING SECOND

 

CHRIS BROWN FLIPS OUT AFTER RIHANNA RECEIVES THREE PAGE TEXT MESSAGE FROM O.J.

DOW DROPS 10 POINTS PER WORD DURING GEITHNER SPEECH

SALES OF GUNS AND RAMEN NOODLES SPARK DOW SURGE

CHRIS BROWN TAKES RIHANNA BACK DESPITE BRAIN TRAUMA AFFECTING HER DECISION-MAKING ABILITIES

SHOTGUN BLAST TO KITCHEN CEILING RELIEVES ANNOYING SQUIRREL-IN-CRAWLSPACE PROBLEM

BRITISH PM RETURNS UNPLAYABLE CDS TO OBAMA, RECEIVES REPLACEMENT GIFT OF BUSCH LIGHT 12 PACK

CUP-STACKING ATTAINS OLYMPIC SPORT STATUS

 

HILLARY CLINTON BOTTLE OF VINTAGE WINE GIFT TO RUSSIAN FOREIGN MINISTER ACCIDENTALLY TURNS OUT TO BE MOLOTOV COCKTAIL

 

SPEECHWRITER PRANKS OBAMA, PREZ GREETS WIFE WITH TELE-PROMPTED 'GOOD NIGHT' IN MORNING

RUSH LIMBAUGH DOMINATES OBAMA'S A.M. THREAT ASSESSMENT BRIEFING

MSNBC'S STOCK TICKER RENAMED TO 'BUSH'S DOW'

MASS MIGRATION TO IDAHO AFTER GRANGEVILLE KWIK-E MART POSTS JOB OPENING

DOW UNDERPERFORMS ON FEARS THAT OBAMA FEARS A PERFORMING DOW

OBAMA LEANS FORWARD, HITS FACE ON TELEPROMPTER DURING PRIVATE CONVERSATION WITH WIFE

BORED OBAMA TURNS TO HEALTH CARE REFORM, SAYS 'THERE'S NOT REALLY ANYTHING ELSE GOING ON'

EATERY OWNER SUED AFTER CITIGROUP SHARE IN SOUP SICKENS PATRON

FIRST AMERICAN ECONOMIC REFUGEES ARRIVE BY RAFT IN CUBA

OBAMA ASKS AL QUEDA FOR HELP IN WAR AGAINST LIMBAUGH

MICHAEL JACKSON PREPS FOR FOURTH NAUSEATING COMEBACK ATTEMPT

DOW SET TO SHED ANOTHER 1,000 AFTER OBAMA'S 'I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO A PRODUCTIVE DAY' COMMENT

PUTIN PREPARES TO DELIVER 'STATE OF THE U.S. UNION' ADDRESS

CABINET-LEVEL POSITION CREATED TO VERIFY TAX PAYMENT HISTORY OF CABINET APPOINTEES

FEDS TOSS ANOTHER BILLION AT FLOUNDERING AIG IN ATTEMPT TO 'GET THEM THROUGH THE DAY'

HILLARY CLINTON IN MIDEAST, EXPLORING WAYS TO REBUILD GAZA STRIP, AL QUEDA

JESSICA SIMPSON CONSULTS WITH OPRAH ON WEIGHT WAR STRATEGY