PUBLIC SCHOOLS PUSH FOR BAN ON EPHEDRA BASED OBESITY CONTROL SUPPS FOR KIDS

5 YR OLD PLAME-WILSON KID EXPOSES CIA FOR SECRET SPY AGENCY

TOM CRUISE GAY RUMORS HUSH MONEY PROVIDES BOOST TO U.S. ECONOMY

U.S. MILITARY TO INVESTIGATE ENCOURAGING REPORTS THAT HUSSEIN WAS BEATEN IN CUSTODY

REPORT: AL SHARPTON LOBBIED FOR 'TOOKIE' WILLIAMS DESPITE INMATE'S ANTI-GANG PREACHING

FUNNY LIBERALS THINK AMERICANS ARE CONCERNED ABOUT SADDAM'S TORTURE CLAIMS

MEDIA BACKSIDE GLOWS RED AFTER BUSH SPEECH

POLL: TOUPEE WEARERS ARE 'TECHNICAL LIARS'

PLASTIC ONO BAND REUNITES; JOHN LENNON ACTION FIGURE TO PLAY LEAD TO HORRIBLE YOKO VOCALS

ANTACID SHORTAGE REPORTED IN BLUE STATES AFTER WILDLY SUCCESSFUL RAQ ELECTIONS

BUSH CRITICIZED FOR 'OVERLY SUCCESSFUL' IRAQI ELECTIONS

KERRY, GORE TRAVEL TO IRAQ TO ADVISE ON ELECTION COMPLAINTS

SCIENTIST: DICK CLARK AGES 2.4 MONTHS PER YEAR

NEW YORK TIMES IRAQ REPORTER FIRED FOR GOOD NEWS LEAK

TERRY MCAULIFFE PROMOTES PAL'S PENNY STOCK DURING SPEECH ON NATIONAL SECURITY

DEMOCRATS: BUSH 'ARROGANT' FOR TAKING QUESTIONS AFTER SPEECH

FEDERAL AIR MARSHALS TO EXTEND PROTECTIVE SERVICES TO TRAINS, CRUISE SHIPS, PRIVATE AUTOMOBILES

MIKE FERREL LEAVES SAN QUENTIN, RETURNS TO WAR AGAINST CHRISTMAS

COLUMIAN MAN CLAIMING TO HAVE REACHED 200 YEAR MARK MAY BE OLDEST MAN ON EARTH

DEMOCRATS SUGGEST AMERICAN FLAG 'BE RID OF THE RED AND BLUE HUES'

 

NEW DONALD TRUMP BOOK TO PROVIDE TIPS TO MIDDLE INCOMERS ON MINIMIZING RED TAPE IN SKYSCRAPER BUILDING PROCESS

NEW NPR FUND RAISER SOLICITS 'AFFORDABLE DONATIONS' OF $100 TO $500

'HILLARY IN '08' SPOKESPERSON: 'MS. RODHAM IS NOT MULLING A WHITE HOUSE RUN. SHE IS COMMITTED TO SERVING OUT ALL OF HER FUTURE SENATE TERMS'

ISLAMIC CLERIC: VIRGIN SHORTAGE LOOMING IN PARADISE

FEDS TO EASE RESTRICTIONS ON 'NON-LETHAL' WEAPONS ON AIRLINES

DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL HEADQUARTERS' BABY SANTA NATIVITY SCENE DRAWS CROWD, IRE

CORPORATE RAIDER CARL ICAHN MAKES BID TO BUY MARY-KATE AND ASHLEY FOR $43.50 PER SHARE

REPORT: SEN. CLINTON WALKS FINE LINE BETWEEN OPPOSING AMERICA AND WANTING TO BE ITS PRESIDENTRESS

NEW IPOD TO HOLD UP TO ONE TRILLION SONGS, DEPENDING ON FILE SIZE

BUSH: 'VICTORY WILL COME WHEN IRAQ IS NO LONGER A SAFE HAVEN FOR IBERAL DEMOCRATS PLOTTING ATTACKS ON OUR NATION'

HOLIDAY RETAIL REPORT: POPULAR G.I. JOE DOLLS LOSING GROUND TO XBOX'S SOFT PORN VIDEO 'GAME' TITLES

AL FRANKEN COMEDY GIG CANCELED DESPITE HILARIOUS 'BUSH THE BABY LLER' BIT

SCIENTIST CONFIRMS: LARRY KING STILL ALIVE

LIBERALS ARMOR-UP FOR BATTLES OVER 'OFFENSIVE CHRISTMAS SLANT' ON HOLIDAY SEASON

FLAVOR FLAV FAN CLUB RETRACTS BANKRUPTCY APPLICATION IN WAKE OF W MILLER BEER COMMERCIAL GIG

REPORT: CHANUKWANZAMAS HOLIDAY SEASON NEARING 'OFFENSELESS POLITICAL PERFECTION'

TED TURNER: KIM JONG IL IS 'NO DIFFERENT THAN YOU, ME, OR DR. PHIL'

KERRY-EDWARDS BUMPER STICKERS REACH MONDALE-FERRARO STATUS

RAMSEY CLARK: I CHOSE TO DEFEND SADDAM BECAUSE I MISSED OUT ON DEFENDING O.J., BUNDY, AND DAHMER

NEW YORK TIMES: LITTLE-KNOWN BROADCASTER RUSH LIMBAUGH MAKING BIG WAVES

LAWYER IN SADDAM CASE DIES OF 'NATURAL GUN WOUNDS'

QUAGMIRES REPORTED AT 18 MALLS NATIONWIDE

REPORT: ALAN COLMES TO RENOUNCE LIBERALISM ON HIS DEATH BED

POLL: SHAPE OF CRANBERRY SAUCE STILL TRUMPS POLITICS AS PREFERRED THANKSGIVING DINNER DISCUSSION TOPIC

BUSH MAKES THANKSGIVING CALL TO CINDY SHEEHAN 'TO THANK HER FOR HER SERVICE'

HAPPY HOLIDAYS: WAL-MART ASSAULTS, LOOTING WIDESPREAD

EXPERT ON CHANCE OF BIRD FLU OCCURRING IN ANY OF 45 MILLION THANKSGIVING TURKEYS: 'WE'LL HAVE TO WAIT AND SEE NOW, WON'T WE?'

DNC CHAIR DEAN: SEN. KERRY'S 'UNBELIEVABLE' PERFORMANCE AS JURY FOREMAN PROVES HE WAS FIT FOR DUTY

SYMPATHY VOTE CATAPULTS JOHN KERRY TO JURY FOREMAN SPOT

VEGETARIANS REJECT NEW TURKEY-BASED TOFU-FLAVORED TURKEY

SHERYL CROW WINS FOR 'BEST ANTI-BUSH DIATRIBE' AT AMERICAN MUSIC WARDS

'REAL LIFE CHER' MAKES CAMEO APPEARANCE IN NEW XBOX 360 GAME

U.N. SECURITY COUNCIL TO ADDRESS THREAT FROM INTERNET POP-UP ADS

CHRIS MATTHEWS: I'M NOT EVIL, YOU JUST HAVE A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE

CHENEY CALLS FOR 'IMMEDIATE WITHDRAWAL' OF DEMOCRATS FROM U.S. CONGRESS

LARRY FLYNT TAPPED TO SPEARHEAD DEMOCRAT'S FAMILY VALUES INITIATIVE

IRAN REITERATES NUKES ARE FOR 'OIL ENERGY PURPOSES ONLY'

DEMOCRTATS DEMAND BUSH SET IRAQ SURRENDER DATE

FRENCH RUNNING OUT OF WHITE FLAGS

PUBLIC ED CZAR: FAILURE RATIOS WITHIN 'ACCEPTABLE LEVELS'

CHIRAC 'REACHES OUT' TO RIOTERS; OFFERS APOLOGIES, WEAPONS, LIGHTER FLUID IN EXCHANGE FOR PEACE

SEN. KENNEDY PRESSED FOR EXIT STRATEGY FROM PALM BEACH BAR SCENE

SUCCESSFUL CHEMO TREATMENT RIDS PHILADELPHIA EAGLES OF 'ALL TRACES OF T.O.'

BUSH IN CHINA, CRITICIZED FOR 'HIDING' DURING WESTERN HEMISPHERE'S NEWS CYCLES

JEW IN SAUDI ARABIA RIOTS, CITES 'INADEQUATE ASSIMILATION INTO HARDLINE ISLAMIC SOCIETY'

HUGO CHAVEZ ANNOUNCES BID FOR MASSACHUSETTS CONGRESSIONAL SEAT

CNN MULLS RELEASING U.S. VERSION OF ITS CABLE NETWORK

SEN. DURBIN DENIES RESPONSIBILITY FOR JORDAN HOTEL ATTACKS

G.O.P. MAY 'SIT OUT' '08 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION AFTER CRIPPLING LOSS OF TWO GOVERNORSHIPS

FOX NEWS' BREAKING NEWS JINGLE REACHES BILLBOARD TOP 10

HISTORY CHANNEL TO DOCUMENT LIVES OF PIRATES THAT ATTACKED TWIN TOWERS ON 9-11

FRANCE FALLS TO RIOTERS; SEN. KERRY CALLS FOR 'PEACE IN OUR TIME'

PROFIT-MOTIVATED STORES ALREADY DISPLAYING CHRISTMAS '06 MERCHANDISE

EXPERT: REAL ESTATE BUBBLE MAY HAVE BURST, FREE HOUSES STAYING ON MARKET LONGER

SEGA'S 'DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES 2K6' FOR XBOX HITS SHELVES

ABERCROMBIE & FITCH CALLS FOR BOYCOTT OF 'MORAL PRUDES'

FRENCH POLICE CONTINUE TO FROWN AT MUSLIM-LOOKING RIOTERS

 

FRENCH POLICE CRITICIZED FOR PUNISHING RIOTERS WITH 'DIRTY LOOKS'

BUSH ON ARGENTINE SUMMIT: 'I'D RATHER BE HAVING LUNCH WITH THE CONGRESSIONAL BLACK CAUCUS'

FANS AT MTV AWARDS: 'MADONNA IS STILL A TWENTY-SOMETHING IN OUR EYES'

BUSH MAKES 542nd VISIT TO CRAWFORD RANCH SINCE BUYING PROPERTY

PBS DOCUMENTARY EXPLORES JUDGE ALITO'S 'SUNNY-SIDE UP' EGG PREFERENCE

JOHN KERRY URGES U.S. SURRENDER TO 'MUSLIM-LOOKING' FRENCH RIOTERS

REQUESTS TO 'SHOWER WITH SOAP' SEND PARISIANS INTO 8TH DAY OF RIOTING

STAMP PRICE INCREASE MAY CURB HOLIDAY SPENDING

SEN. KENNEDY: BUSH CONCOCTING ANOTHER HURRICANE TO DIVERT ATTENTION FROM ROVE TROUBLES

LIBERALS: ISLAMIC RADICALS UNDERREPRESENTED ON SUPREME COURT

SENATE DEMS PUT ALITO IN CROSSHAIRS: 'WE DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HIM, BUT WE SURE CAN'T STAND HIM'

PRESIDENT BUSH TO SPEND AFTERNOON PLANNING ADVERSE WEATHER CONDITIONS

DEMS FOCUS ON SUPREME COURT NOMINEE'S 'PREOCCUPATION WITH THE CONSTITUTION'

MYSTERY, SCANDAL SURROUND UNNAMED SUPREME COURT NOMINEE

IRANIAN PRESIDENT CHASTISED BY 'SADDENED' KOFI ANNAN ON ISRAEL DESTRUCTION STATEMENT

NPR ANNOUNCES '25TH YEAR OF MISPRONUNCIATION-FREE PROGRAMMING'

BUSH CONSIDERS BORK FOR SUPREME COURT 'BECAUSE I COULD'

BUSH RELUCTANTLY ACCEPTS MIERS WITHDRAWAL WITH SIGH OF RELIEF

WHITE SOX SWEEP CHICAGO AFTER VICTORY CELEBRATION

SENATORS GRILL MIERS ON BOWLING SKILLS, HAIRDO

CLINTON RAPE VICTIMS HOLD 15 YEAR REUNION

LOOTING BREAKS OUT IN ENGLAND AFTER BIRD FLU DISCOVERY

SEN. SCHUMER: 'MIERS LACKS ENOUGH OF MY VOTES TO BE CONFIRMED'

 

OPRAH, GOOGLE COMPETE FOR 'RICHEST ENTITY'

SADDAM LAWYER 'ABDUCTED AND ISLAMIZED IN COLD BLOOD'

HILLARY CLINTON GATHERS STRENGTH, THREATENS U.S. MAINLAND

HURRICANE EXPERT MOVES PROJECTED PATH OF WILMA SOUTHWARD, OUT OF 'CONCERN FOR MY OWN HOUSE'

MUSLIMS FEAR BARBARIC BACKLASH FROM EVANGELICAL CHRISTIANS AFTER BIBLE DESECRATION

SEN. DELAY DIPS INTO THURSDAY'S LUNCH MONEY FOR $10K BAIL

DEMOCRATS REQUEST HANNIBAL LECTER GURNEY FOR SEN. DELAY

SADDAM INSISTS HE IS STILL PRESIDENT OF IRAQ, CURRENTLY IN POWER, IN HIS PALACE

BUSH PROPOSES LAWSUIT REFORM WITH A 'LIBERALS PAY' JUDICIAL SYSTEM

 

BURGER KING: NEW 'BK JOE' CONTAINS 'REAL LIVE COFFEE'

STALLONE TO FIGHT MEDICARE BENEFITS REP IN 'ROCKY VI'

CONSERVATIVE WARFARE OVER MIERS NOMINATION LINKED TO SEN. LEAHY'S 'SHE'S ONE OF US' COMMENT

MAN BEAT BY NEW ORLEANS POLICE: 'RACE HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. EXCUSE ME, WHAT JESSE JACKSON?'

SEN. KENNEDY (D, CHAPPAQUIDICK) CALLS BUSH COMMENTS ON TERRORISTS 'PERSONALLY OFFENSIVE'

BARBARA BUSH CHASTISED FOR 'SNOOPING' AROUND HUSBAND'S, SON'S SKULL & BONES STUFF

TOM CRUISE AND KATIE HOLMES 'TOTALLY EMBARRASSED' OVER WEDLOCK-FREE PREGNANCY

POLITICAL EXPERT: SUPREME COURT NOMINEE MIERS 'SURE TO BE ACCUSED OF HALLIBURTONISM'

EARLY MORNING SUPREME COURT NOMINATION FINDS SEN. KENNEDY 'HUNG OVER AND UNAVAILABLE FOR COMMENT'

DENNIS KUCINICH LAUNCHES CAMPAIGN TO LAND SPOT ON VH1's 'THE SURREAL LIFE'

EISNER-LESS DISNEY NO LONGER FUN FOR EISNER FAMILY

DEMONSTRATORS AT D.C. ANTI-WAR PROTEST LINK BUSH, LOCH-NESS MONSTER

DEMOCRATS: 'BUSH LIED TO US AGAIN... HURRICANE RITA WAS NOTHING THAT HE CRACKED IT UP TO BE'

MEDIA: PREVIOUSLY APATHETIC BUSH NOW 'OVERLY OBSESSED WITH HURRICANE RELIEF'

RUMORS OF GORE CHALLENGE TO HILLARY IN '08 SENDS REPUBLICANS AND DEMOCRATS INTO STITCHES

RITA WEAKENS: GALVESTONIANS RELIEVED AFTER EXPERTS PREDICT 'DESTRUCTION' OF CITY, NOT 'ANNIHILATION'

SALES SLOW TO 'A SLOW CRAWL' FOR NEW PLAYBOY ISSUE FEATURING HELEN THOMAS CENTERFOLD

EXPERT: HURRICANE RITA REPRESENTS 'GOD'S WRATH ON POLITICALLY-ACTIVE GAY GLOBAL WARMING NAYSAYERS'

NEW ORLEANS MAYOR NEGIN SUGGESTS GALVESTON 'LEAVE BUSES TO HELP ABSORB FLOOD WATERS'

JOHN ROBERTS ASKS SEN. BIDEN TO 'PLEASE ADDRESS ME AS CHIEF JUSTICE'

HURRICANE OPHELIA VICTIMS DEMAND 'FREE FLAT SCREENS THAT THE NEW ORLEANS PEOPLE GOT'

 

EXPERT: BRITISH TEETH MAY TAKE 'CENTURIES' TO RECOVER

 

DELTA UN-DECLARES BANKRUPTCY; AIRLINE FORGOT 'EMERGENCY CASH' IN ASHTRAY

 

BRITNEY SPEARS GIVES BIRTH TO SPOILED RICH KID

 

SEN. BIDEN'S SENATE TERM EXPIRES DURING QUESTION TO JUDGE ROBERTS

 

POLL: BLACK PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THAT BUSH CARES ABOUT THEM

SEN. BIDEN REQUESTS TIME TO ASK JUDGE ROBERTS 'A QUICK 55 MINUTE QUESTION'

JEB BUSH ASKED TO TUTOR KATHLEEN BLANCO ON 'BASICS OF GOVERNORING'

DON KING LANDS PROMO DEAL FOR MAYOR NEGIN PAY-PER-VIEW PRESS CONFERENCE

EDUCATION DEPT TO GIVE OUT $2K DEBIT CARDS TO PUBLIC SCHOOL STUDENTS WHO FAIL ECONOMICS

RAY NEGIN NOMINATES SON AND SELF TO INVESTIGATE MAYOR'S OFFICE MISHANDLEAGE OF STORM AFTERMATH

LIBERALS: SADDAM'S DENIAL OF CHARGES IS PROOF OF HIS INNOCENCE

HURRICANE VICTIMS TO GET $2,000 HALLIBURTON GIFT CARDS

KAYNE WEST TO REPLACE MICHAEL MOORE IN SEAT NEXT TO JIMMY CARTER AT DEM'S 2008 NATIONAL CONVENTION

AL GORE, HOWARD DEAN SCHEDULED TO BLAME BUSH FOR HURRICANE CRISIS TODAY

BLACKS: BUSH DOESN'T CARE ABOUT KAYNE WEST AND SHOULD BE AUTHORIZED TO SHOOT AT HIM

BUSH ATTEMPTS TO SHIFT BLAME FOR HURRICANE BACK TO GOD, INFURIATES CHURCH-GOING TYPES

FEMA DIRECTOR BROWN: 'I WAS NOT AWARE OF ANY HURRICANE-RELATED DAMAGE IN NEW ORLEANS UNTIL TOMORROW'

SHOCK OF KAYNE WEST NBC STATEMENT NOT RULED OUT IN REHNQUIST DEATH

PANIC IN NEW ORLEANS: SUPPLIES OF FOOD, WATER, FEMA DIRECTOR'S JOB SECURITY ALL WEARING THIN

AOL HEAD ENVISIONS 'A DAY WHERE WE WILL BE ABLE TO CHAT BY VOICE OVER SOME ELECTRONIC MEDIUM'

STRANDED NEW ORLEANDERS OPEN FIRE ON EMERGENCY PERSONNEL 'TO GET THEIR ATTENTION'

NEW ORLEANS MAYHEM: RESCUE CREWS SENT IN TO RESCUE RESCUE CREWS FROM ROVING GANGS OF ARMED DEMOCRATS

OFFICIALS: GAS SHORTAGE IS IMMINENT, DON'T GET GAS

DNC DENIES ITS 2008 NATIONAL CONVENTION IS CURRENTLY BEING HELD IN NEW ORLEANS

HURRICANE CRITICIZED FOR 'KILLING THE WRONG PEOPLE' IN WAKE OF LOOTING MADNESS

CONSUMERS TAPPING EQUITY IN FULL GAS TANKS TO FINANCE BIG-TICKET LUXURY ITEMS, CONSOLIDATE DEBT

LARGE-SCREEN TVS PROVE 'DIFFICULT' FOR LOOTERS IN SHOULDER-DEEP WATER

CELEBRITY REPORTERS SEEK REFUGE FROM 'FRIGHTENING' COMMONERS, REQUEST ACCESS TO SKYBOX AT SUPERDOME

TICKETED SHARPTON ALLEGES HIS CAR COULD 'NOT POSSIBLY TRAVEL THAT FAST WITH SUCH A LOAD AS ME IN IT'

RADICAL REPUBLICANS BLAME HURRICANE KATRINA FOR STORM DAMAGE IN GULF COAST STATES

CINDY SHEEHAN PLANS TRAVEL TO MAINE TO PROTEST BLUE ANGELS, LACK OF HUMAN RIGHTS FOR UNICORNS

BILOXI RESIDENT SHOCKED THAT FORD ESCORT CAN'T MAKE IT THROUGH 7 FOOT-HIGH INTERSECTION FLOOD

SEN. KENNEDY ADDS HURRICANE KATRINA, SUGE KNIGHT SHOOTING TO 'LIST OF BUSH'S QUAGMIRES'

NEW ORLEANS CHILDREN ENJOY DAY OFF FROM SCHOOL WITH DOWNSIDE OF ARMAGEDDON-SIZED DISASTER

DNC MULLS GIVING KIM JONG IL SEAT NEXT TO JIMMY CARTER AT 2008 CONVENTION

CINDY SHEEHAN RECEIVES 'ROCK STAR' WELCOME AT AUSTIN-BASED SEAN PENN FAN CLUB GATHERING

MINUTEMEN OPPONENTS PROPOSE PLUGGING HOLES IN U.S. BORDER WITH 'BUBBLE GUM AND STICKY TAC'

SEN. HAGEL (D-NEB): 'IF I HAD BEEN TOLD WE WERE TRYING TO WIN THE WAR, I WOULDN'T HAVE VOTED FOR IT'

U.S. SECURITY FENCE PROPOSED TO PROVIDE PROTECTION FROM GOOGLE

MEDIA ORGANIZATIONS COVERING WOMAN HOLDING VIGIL TO SUPPORT BUSH INCLUDE ELKS CLUB NEWS, AUTO TRADER

UNFORTUNATE MARKET TIMING PLAGUES GASOLINE-POWERED CLOCK RADIOS

DON KING ANGLES FOR RIGHTS TO BROADCAST BUSH - SHEEHAN MEETING

MADONNA FALLS OFF HIGH HORSE, COMES BACK TO EARTH FOR A MOMENT

EXXON ENTERS BID TO EXPLORE VAST EXPANSE OF SEN. KENNEDY FOR OIL RESERVES

PUBLIC SCHOOLS CONSIDER ALLOWING STUDENTS TO DISCIPLINE TEACHERS

GAS PRICE INCREASE SLOWS TO 18 CENTS PER DAY

SEN. KERRY TO COALITION FOR OHIO RECOUNT: 'PLEASE STOP, I'VE BEEN EMBARRASSED ENOUGH ALREADY'

BUSH AGREES TO MEET CINDY SHEEHAN 'IN A DARK ALLEY'

CINDY SHEEHAN NEWS ECLIPSES POPE FUNERAL COVERAGE

McDONALD'S TO DISTRIBUTE GOLDEN 'WILLY WONKA' TICKETS IN CHEESEBURGERS FOR TOUR OF RENDERING PLANT

CARBONATED MILK MEETS CONSUMER REACTION SIMILAR TO TURKEY AND GRAVY FLAVORED SODA

MANVILLE, NJ'S FRANK'S CHICKEN HUT TO CHALLENGE GOODYEAR'S STRANGLEHOLD ON BLIMP ADVERTISING

ALAN COLMES ADMITS TO FEELING 'UNDER-RESPECTED' ON FOXNEWS HIT SHOW 'SEAN & HANNITY'

EXPERT: TICKET SALES FOR DUKES OF HAZARD BOX OFFICE FLOP REFLECT 'DEMOCRATIC INFLUENCE ON COUNTRY'

CONGRESSIONAL INSURGENCY DEMANDS BUSH ANNOUNCE IRAQ PULL-OUT DATE

U.N. NUCLEAR WATCHDOG AGENCY ADOPTS RESOLUTION ASKING IRAN IF 'IT WOULDN'T MIND' HALTING NUKE BLITZ

'CHATTANOOGA CONSERVATIVES' EXPANSION TEAM CRITICIZED FOR 'EVIL AND BIGOTED' NAME

EXPERT: 'HURRICANE IRENE MAY, I REPEAT MAY, CAUSE BILLIONS IN DAMAGE AND WIDESPREAD PANDEMONIUM'

INSURANCE ADJUSTER CLAIMS DAMAGE TO SHUTTLE WAS RESULT OF DRIVER ERROR

MICK JAGGER CRACKS OPEN COFFIN DOOR TO ISSUE ATTACK ON PRESIDENT BEFORE RETURNING 'TO REST'

MISSING GRETA VAN SUSTEREN FOUND COVERING NATALEE HOLLOWAY CASE IN ARUBA

NY TIMES UNCOVERS 'DISTURBING' JOHN ROBERTS POOL PEE EPISODE AT AGE 7

STATE DEPARTMENT ON FIJIAN NUKE THREAT: 'MOSTLY CUTE, BUT WE'LL KEEP AN EYE ON THEM'

DICK CHENEY MULLS RUN FOR THE WHITE HOUSE 'FOR HELEN THOMAS' SAKE'

'ACCIDENTAL INGESTION' OF PERFORMANCE-ENHANCING STEROIDS MORE WIDESPREAD THAN PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT

BUSH TO TAKE BREAK FROM CRAWFORD RANCH, WILL VACATION AT WHITE HOUSE FOR A WEEK

SHUTTLE REPAIR UNDERWAY: ASTRONAUTS AVOID LOOKING AT FRAGILE TILES 'THE WRONG WAY'

CHINA ENDS PURSUIT OF UNOCAL, WILL MAKE BID FOR PENTAGON

ATTACK ON BUSH'S WORKOUT REGIMEN NOT WORKING, DEMS SET OUT TO REVITALIZE 'GORE WON' ARGUMENT

CHILDREN RUNNING 'DANGEROUSLY LOW ON CONDOMS' SAVED BY FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL

DEMS ATTEMPT NEW ANGLE IN BUSH ATTACKS, SAY PRESIDENT 'IS TOO HEALTHY'

SEN. EVAN BAYH PLANS TO RUN FOR PRESIDENCY 'AS A LIBERAL ZELL MILLER REPUBLICAN'

RAFAEL PALMEIRO: 'I WAS WONDERING WHY INJECTING FLAX SEED OIL WOULD TURN ME INTO A RAGING MONSTER'

KING FAHD DIES AT AGE 82 OR 84; ARABS TAKE TO STREET TO BURN AMERICAN FLAGS, OF COURSE

BUSH TO NAME BOLTON TO U.N. POST, DESPITE STARTLING OPPOSITION FROM DEMOCRATS

HELEN THOMAS: 'IF SADDAM HUSSEIN RUNS FOR PRESIDENT, I'LL TREAT MYSELF TO A CAKE AND SOME SPA TIME'

NASA INSISTS THAT ADDING PARACHUTES TO ASTRONAUT DRESS CODE IS 'MERELY FOR FASHION'S SAKE'

AL GORE REMOVES ALL TRACES OF SELF FROM CURRENT TV, SAYS MOVE WILL 'HELP RATINGS'

NASA: FEATHER ALSO FELL FROM EXTERNAL SHUTTLE TANK; 'HUGE GASH' FOUND IN SHUTTLE'S TITANIUM SIDE

NEW YORK TIMES BREAKING: FIFTH ROBERTS' TYPO FOUND

NASA: SHUTTLE FALLING APART ON TAKEOFF 'PROBABLY WON'T BE A PROBLEM WE HOPE'

GROUNDSWELL OF SUPPORT FOR CHENEY PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDACY AFTER HELEN THOMAS SUICIDE THREAT

IRA ENDS ARMED CAMPAIGN, SAYS IT WILL BEGIN SPAM EMAILING

INSULATING FOAM FALLS FROM UNDERSIDE OF TED KENNEDY, SENATOR GROUNDED 'INDEFINITELY'

ASTRONAUT COMES CLEAN: 'FALLING DEBRIS' WAS CIGARETTE BUTT THROWN FROM WINDOW OF SHUTTLE

CLINTONS ACCEPT SUITOR'S DOWRY OF 40 GOATS AND 20 COWS FOR CHELSEA

4% OF NASA ANNUAL BUDGET DIVERTED TO DRAIN ATLANTIC IN ATTEMPT TO FIND SHUTTLE DEBRIS

FEDERALIST SOCIETY'S 'OBSESSION WITH CONSTITUTIONAL VALUES' DISQUALIFIES ROBERTS FOR SUPREME COURT

NEWLY MODERATE SEN. CLINTON ADVISES ENGLAND TO 'RETALIATE NICELY'

LIBERALS: PROFILING 'ARAB MEN WHO HAVE ATTENDED TERRORIST SCHOOL' IS DISCRIMINATORY, RACIST

AMERICA'S LANCE ARMSTRONG MAKING A FOOL OF FRANCE AGAIN

LONDONERS PROTECTED BY ARMED POLICE FOR A CHANGE

SUPREME COURT VACANCY UPDATE: DEMOCRATS CRITICIZE BUSH FOR NOT PICKING LIBERAL NUT JOB

VALERIE PLAME MISSING; SEARCH OF MAGAZINE COVERS UNDER WAY

DEMS REACH CHINA WHILE 'DIGGING FOR DIRT' ON ROBERTS

BUSH NOMINATION OF WHITE MALE TO HIGH COURT ANGERS O.J. SUPPORTERS

MONKEY-HUMAN HYBRIDS OFFER VOTER BASE EXPANSION POSSIBILITIES FOR DEMOCRATIC PARTY

NEW YORK TIMES LEAKS SUPREME COURT CHOICES TO BUSH

BOOKSTORE LINES GROW FOR AUG 2006 RELEASE OF NEXT HARRY POTTER BOOK

SEX-FEST 'WEDDING CRASHERS' STARRING SEN. JOHN McCAIN ROCKS BOX OFFICE

TECH INDUSTRY SCRAMBLES TO FIX Y10K PROGRAMMING BUGS

KARL ROVE CALLS FOR BUSH RESIGNATION

REHNQUIST TO HOSPITAL STAFF: 'I SURE HOPE YOU ALL ARE RESPECTERS OF THE CONSTITUTION'

SEN. CLINTON BRUSHES OFF RUMORS OF WORLD DOMINATION PLANS

PIECE OF CRAP WINS PRESTIGIOUS CONTEMPORARY ART AWARD

LONDON TERRORIST ATTACKS SUCK WIND OUT OF TOM CRUISE CRAZINESS NEWS

REHNQUIST RESIGNATION DELAYED UNTIL CHIEF JUSTICE IS 100% VESTED IN 401K

PARIS REJECTED FOR 2012 OLYMPICS DUE TO 'LARGE NUMBERS OF FRENCH PEOPLE'

SHARK CAGES SELLING 'LIKE HOT CAKES' ALONG FLORIDA COAST

OUT-OF-TOUCH LIVE 8 PERFORMERS PROMISE TO DONATE $12,000 GIFT BASKETS TO 'KITCHEN HELP' AND 'OUR AFRICAN-COLORED UMBRELLA HOLDERS'

DEMOCRATS: WE'LL CONFIRM BUSH'S SUPREME COURT NOMINEE, AS LONG AS THEY'RE A CRAZY LIBERAL NUT JOB

ECONOMY: STARBUCKS COFFEE BREAKS $80/GALLON BARRIER

FOX NEWS SENDING MORE TROOPS TO ARUBA, SAYS IT WILL 'STAY THE COURSE'

HILLARY CLINTON: 'I DIDN'T ASKED FOR MOTHER TERESA'S MANTLE OF FAITH AND LOVE, IT JUST FELL UPON ME'

NEW IRANIAN PRESIDENT THOUGHT TO HAVE MASTERMINDED 2004 KERRY PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN

WORLD INCHES CLOSER TO WORLD WAR III OR IV AFTER PUTIN THEFT OF SUPER BOWL RING

FREAK: TOM CRUISE BREAKS TONGUE-LOCK WITH CURRENT LOVE INTEREST TO RANT ABOUT ALIENS AMONG US

EXPERT: TOM CRUISE HURTLING TOWARDS 'MICHAELJACKSONISM'

HOWARD DEAN ATTEMPTS NEW ANGLE, CLAIMS BUSH CONSULTED EXTRATERRESTRIALS BEFORE IRAQ INVASION

BLING FUTURES ON THE RISE AFTER JAY-Z TOUR ANNOUNCEMENT

ELDER BUSH GOLFS WITH CLINTON, COAXES HIM FOR 'A QUICK DIP' IN WAVES OFF FLORIDA'S GULF COAST

SUPREME COURT JUSTICE SOUTER'S HOME BEING RAZED TO MAKE WAY FOR 'MORE PROFITABLE' BANANA STAND

TOM BROKAW, PETER JENNINGS, AND DAN RATHER'S REPLACEMENT TO COVER PRESIDENT'S SPEECH FROM ARUBA

LEAK: BUSH SPEECH TO INCLUDE CRITICISM OF PARENTS WHO 'SPEND TOO MUCH TIME WITH CLINTON'

BUSH CONSIDERS 'DATE CERTAIN' FOR PULLING OUT OF SUPREME COURT

CHENEY AND RUMSFELD AGREE THAT IRAQ INSURGENCY IS 'ALIVE AND STRONG, CRUMBLING, AND DEAD'

TOM CRUISE, MATT LAUER WRESTLE OVER BENEFIT OF HEROIN-BASED ALTERNATIVES TO PSYCHIATRY

EXPERTS: TOM CRUISE A 'SCIENTOLOGIST WHACK JOB'

OUTRAGED PROPERTY OWNERS THROW LIBERAL SUPREME COURT JUSTICES INTO BOSTON HARBOR

OPRAH: I WAS DENIED ENTRY TO RICKI LAKE STRATEGY MEETING 'BECAUSE I'M BLACK'

CRICKET CHIRPING INTERRUPTS POLITICIANS' ARGUMENT AGAINST EMINENT DOMAIN RULING

D.C. OFFICIALS APPROVE RAZING OF DNC HQ DUE TO 'EXTREME BLIGHT'

DNC SPINS INTO FROTH-FILLED OVERDRIVE AFTER ROVE REMARKS

OOPS: LEADING DEMOCRAT QUICKLY RENEGES ON CALLING PBS 'OUR BULLHORN'

PRIVATE DEVELOPER PUSHES SUPREME COURT TO RULE FOR APARTMENT COMPLEX ON CURRENT WHITE HOUSE PROPERTY

AUTOMOBILE BUMPER DAMAGED IN HUMAN HIT-AND-FALL INCIDENT

DICK (DURBIN, IL) AVOIDS EYE CONTACT DURING 'APOLOGY'

MISSING BODY FOUND ALIVE IN UTAH

EXPERTS STRESS BIRD FLU EPIDEMIC COULD - COULD - BE APOCALYPTIC

'CLEAN FREAK' SADDAM REPULSED BY SYMPATHETIC VISIT FROM 'DISGUSTING' SEN. DURBIN (DICK, IL.)

WORLDWIDE FLABBERGAST AS NEW JOE KLEIN BOOK ALLEGES CLINTON PHILANDERING

PRESIDENT BUSH 'UNEASY' WITH CLINTON'S NEW STATUS AS 'BROTHER'

SEN. BIDEN THROWS HAT INTO RING OF 2008 DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL LOSERS

BUSH'S 'WAR ON IMMORALITY' BLAMED FOR BOX OFFICE RECESSION

JANITOR OVERWHELMED BY 'PILE OF WASTE MATTER' LEFT BEHIND AFTER MEETING OF DEMOCRATIC LEADERS

AL-JAZEERA ANGLES TO STAR THE DICK DURBIN ON 'ANTI-AMERICAN IDOL'

TOM CRUISE PROPOSES DIVORCE DATE TO KATIE HOLMES ATOP EIFFEL TOWER

MICHAEL JACKSON ASSISTANT SHOPS UMBRELLA-HANDLING SKILLS TO L.A. TALENT AGENCIES

CONGRESSMEN QUESTION EXISTENCE OF EXIT STRATEGY FROM DISNEY

MICHAELS JACKSON AND TYSON UNITE TO FIGHT CREDITORS, FUTURE PROSECUTIONS

JACKSON FANS: 'WE'LL GIVE WHACKO THREE OR FOUR MORE CHANCES, BUT THAT'S IT'

JACKSON VERDICT REACHED: FOXNEWS FOLLOWS WHITE BRONCO DOWN CALIFORNIA HWY

NEW BOOK ALLEGES BILL FORCED SELF ON HILLARY FOR SOME CRAZY REASON

COMBINED DEBTS OF MIKES - TYSON AND JACKSON - THREATEN TO COLLAPSE ECONOMY

SADDAM LAWYER: 2018 TRIAL DATE IS 'TOO SOON'

MOST LIKELY TRASHED JANET RENO WRECKS TRUCK IN KEY WEST

WWWF HOPEFUL MIKE TYSON LOSES BOXING MATCH, CAREER, FANS, ETC.

NEXT GENERATION OF TEXT MESSAGING TECHNOLOGY WILL ALLOW REAL TIME EXCHANGE OF AUDIO VIA CELL PHONES

FUTURE OF AIRLINE INDUSTRY IS UP IN THE AIR

MICHAEL JACKSON JURY MILKING $5 PER DIEM

DEMOCRATS HOLD BREATHS AS DEAN PASSES CLOSE TO LIVE MIC

MEDIA: MORE 'SHOCKINGLY POSITIVE' ECONOMIC NUMBERS RELEASED

JACKSON JURY REQUESTS TO HAVE PERSONAL BOOK EDITORS TO SIT IN ON DELIBERATIONS

NEW ORLEANS BRACES FOR WHAT COULD BE A CATEGORY 5 HURRICANE AND BILLIONS IN DAMAGE

NBA COMMISSIONER: 2005 PLAYOFFS 'A SUCCESS' WITH FEWER DRUG ARRESTS, KILLINGS

CNN: DEAD BODY FOUND IN HORROR HOUSE FULL OF SKELETONS, CADAVERS

O.J. VERDICT EXPECTED IN MICHAEL JACKSON TRIAL AT 4 PM CST

JURY STILL OUT ON WHACKO 'MICHAEL JACKSON' JACKO PEDOPHILIA CASE

HOWARD DEAN: 'DEMOCRATS ARE THE OPPOSITES OF REPUBLICANS... YOU KNOW, BLACK ATHEISTS"

NY TIMES: KORAN ABUSE 'AKIN TO SPITTING IN THE FACE OF OUR GOD'

DEEP THROAT FAMILY: 'OUR MOTIVES WERE HONEST, AND PURELY MONEY DRIVEN'

BARNEY FRANK PREGNANCY RUMORS RETURN TO CAPITOL HILL

CLASSIFICATION OF SLOTHFULNESS AS 'DISEASE' BARS EMPLOYERS FROM TERMINATING LAZIES

REPORT: MICHAEL JACKSON PERPETUAL DEHYDRATION MAY BE DUE TO 'INADEQUATE FUNDS TO AFFORD WATER'

CNN: LOW RATINGS WERE DUE TO 'SO MANY VIEWERS AT OUR ANNIVERSARY PARTY'

SKEWERING OF NOVAK FOR PLAME LEAK RESCINDED IN WAKE OF DEEP THROAT CELEBRATION

DEEP THROAT LEAK REVEALS CARL BERNSTEIN'S POOR AGING CONDITION TO MANY

JACKSON JURY WEIGHS GUILTY VERDICT AGAINST UNCOMFORTABLE CHARGES OF RACISM

KATIE HOLMES' GIDDINESS WITH TOM CRUISE ROMANCE BUMPS NORTH KOREAN NUKE PROGRESS FROM NEWS

PARIS HILTON TO WED PARIS, HILTON'S FIANCÉ

CRITICS: SEAN PENN PRAYER VIGIL FOR AL-ZARQAWI 'REVEALING'

NEWSWEEK REPORT OF BIBLE DESECRATION GOES UNNOTICED

GOOGLE TO PURCHASE EARTH

NEWSWEEK RETRACTS STORY ABOUT SELF DESECRATION

NEWSWEEK OFFERS FREE WENDY'S FROSTYS TO ATTEMPT RECONCILIATION WITH JADED READERSHIP

ISIKOFF: BUSH TRAMPLED ON UNDERPASS OIL STAIN THAT RESEMBLED ALLAH

2 HOUR DEPICTION OF SCREEN STATIC SET TO SWEEP CANNES FILM FESTIVAL HONORS

MINUTIA BLOGGED AT ALARMING RATE

AIR TRAN FLYOVER PROMPTS EVACUATION OF DELTA TERMINAL AT NEWARK

BEN AFFLECK, TEMPORARY WIFE EXPECTING

HIRED HELP LOOKING FORWARD TO 'THE PITTER-PATTER OF LITTLE FEET'

EXPERTS: MOTHERS 'JUST HAVE THAT THING'

NEW UPWARD JOB FIGURES SINK DEMOCRATS INTO MOOD RECESSION

YANKEES HOPING TO MOVE UP INTO LAST PLACE

KERRY, CLINTON PREP FOR PRIMARY CAT FIGHT

MOTHERHOOD TRENDY AGAIN

LOUIS FARRAKHAN REARS ITS UGLY HEAD AGAIN

FEDS RAID FED FUNDS RATE

REVEALING TYPO IN IRANIAN PAPER UNCOVERS NUDE PLANS

D.C. MINUTEMEN REPORT FEW DEMOCRATS CROSSING BORDER INTO REALITY

WOMAN FINDS HUMAN IN WENDY'S CHILI

BRAD PITT PUBLICIST: SEXY ROMP ON BEACH WITH ANGELINA JOLIE WAS 'JUST BUSINESS'

MISSING BRIDE FOUND LYING IN NEW MEXICO; WEDDING BACK ON HOLD

ZARQAWI MISSES OUT ON BEING CAPTURED, GETTING HOT MEAL FOR A CHANGE

CONFIDENCE IN HOUSING BUBBLE INCREASES

DEMS: SOCIAL SECURITY PRIVATIZATION WOULD PUT TOO MUCH RESPONSIBILITY IN HANDS OF 'IDIOT CITIZENS'

EXPERTS: GOOGLE.COM SHARE PRICE 'GETTING OUT OF HAND'

OLD FOOD PYRAMID REPLACED BY NEW FAD DIET OBELISK

PLANET HOLLYWOOD RESTAURANT-SIZED HAIL ROCKS COLORADO

EXPERT: REDNECKS POISED TO BECOME 3RD MOST POPULATED MINORITY GROUP BY 2012

BEN AFFLECK, JENNIFER GARNER ANNOUNCE PLANS TO MAKE A MOCKERY OF MARRIAGE

NEW POPE TO ISSUE LIFETIME BAN ON KERRY COMMUNION ATTEMPTS

NEW PONTIFF PONDERS TOM DELAY PARDON FROM 'THE INCOHERENT RAGE OF DESTRUCTIVE SECULARISTS'

BLACK SMOKE FROM VATICAN CHIMNEY INDICATES RATZINGER RECALL

CARDINAL JOSEPH RATZINGER TO ATTEND SEVEN INAUGURAL BALLS TONIGHT

DRUDGE REPORT MISSES WHITE SMOKE BOAT, READERSHIP DROPS TO ONLY HALF BILLION PER HOUR

CARDINAL SEQUESTERED IN SISTINE CHAPEL CAUGHT REFERRING TO DA VINCI CODE

GREY SMOKE FROM VATICAN CHIMNEY SENDS ST. PETER'S SQUARE INTO MASS CONFUSION

VATICAN OFFICIAL WARNS OF FALSE POPE VOTE SIGNAL, SAYS 'SEVERAL OF THE CARDINALS SMOKE'

MEDIA DARLING ANN COULTER GRACES TIME COVER, PROVES MAG'S 'FAIR AND BALANCED' CLAIM

EXPERTS: PUBLIC CAN EXPECT 'SEVERAL MORE WEEKS' OF FILIBUSTER ANALYSIS

DEPT OF JUSTICE 'CRIMINAL DRAGNET' SCOOPS UP 10,000 FUGITIVES, 7 KENNEDYS

ORLANDO MAGIC EMBARK ON A THREE DAY LOSING STREAK

SHARON PRESENTS BUSH WITH SATELLITE IMAGERY OF IRANIAN NUDE SITES

KEVIN FEDERLINE MULLS 'NUCLEAR OPTION' IN TEMPORARY WIFE'S PREGNANCY

WWWF CHAMP MIKE TYSON RETURNS TO RING

REPORT: TOM DELAY BEING NEWTGINGRICHED BY DEMOCRATS

WORLD BRACES FOR WAVE OF NEW WRIST-WORN MOVIE THEATERS

VATICAN OFFICIALS CUT POPE VIEWING LINE OFF RIGHT BEFORE JIMMY CARTER'S SPOT

DOMINOE'S NEW PIZZA DELIVERY CHARGE FORCES BUDGET REVISION FOR NEW MICHAEL MOORE MOVIE

CARTER-LESS DELEGATION OF AMERICAN PRESIDENTS ARRIVES TO PAY PAPAL RESPECTS

THOUSANDS MOURN POPE'S ARRIVAL IN HEAVEN

GUARDS ON POPE DUTY TO UPGRADE WEAPONRY TO MORE MODERN SPEARS

UP-CLOSE INTERVIEW WITH JANE FONDA REVEALS PAST, PRESENT, AND WRINKLES

NETWORKS TO EXTEND POPE COVERAGE TO 27 HOURS/DAY CYCLES

NEW AL GORE CABLE PROGRAM TO BROADCAST OUT OF OLD 'WAYNE'S WORLD' STUDIO

PRINCE CHARLES' WEDDING, POPE FUNERAL SCHEDULING CONFLICT THREATENS TO DESTABILIZE EUROPE

CLINTON MULLS BOOK SIGNING POSSIBILITIES AT POPE FUNERAL

VATICAN SCRAMBLING FOR SUCCESSOR AFTER POPE'S UNEXPECTED DEATH

PINEALAS POLICE HOST FOOD INTERDICTION FORUM

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Feeding Tubes Placed on Florida Contraband List

CHIEF JUSTICE REHNQUIST BLESSES EASTER CROWD OF PILGRIMS TO ST. PETER'S SQUARE

INCLUSION OF HUMAN FINGERS IN WENDY'S CHILI SLOWS SALES

ARMED POLICE CALLED IN TO PROTECT TERRY SCHIAVO FROM POTENTIAL RESCUERS

TERRY SHIAVO UPDATE: REINSERTED MEDIA FEEDING FRENZY TUBE TO BE REMOVED TODAY, AGAIN

LEAK: ISRAEL DRAWS SECRET PLANS TO ATTACK IRANIAN KORAN PUBLISHER

PLANS ANNOUNCED TO PUT STARBUCKS INSIDE ATMS

HILLARY DENIES INSTIGATING AFFAIR WITH McCAIN IN ATTEMPT TO 'COURT MODERATES'

NY TIMES: IRAQ WMD DIDN'T EXIST, THEY WERE LOOTED

TERRY SCHIAVO UPDATE: MEDIA FEEDING TUBE TO BE REMOVED AT 1 PM, REINSERTED AT 3 PM

HIPPIES MAKING LOVE IN SPITE OF WAR

U.S.-AMERICANS HYPHENATE FOR 'EXTREME PATRIOTISM'

BUSH: WINDS OF DEMOCRACY ARE BLOWING THROUGH MIDEAST, WASHINGTON

SCOTT PETERSON REVIEWS SAN QUENTIN INMATE POPULATION FOR POSSIBLE WIFE

TERRY SCHIAVO CASE UPDATE: MEDIA FEEDING TUBE REINSERTED

DEMOCRATS, 'ENVIRONMENTALIST TYPES' OPPOSE PLAN TO DRILL FOR CARIBOU IN ALASKA

INDIANAPOLIS RIVER DYED GREEN FOR SOME STUPID REASON

U.S.-AMERICANS HYPHENATE FOR 'EXTREME PATRIOTISM'

BALLPLAYERS FIRE BACK: GRILL SENATORS ON APPARENT USE OF WEIGHT-GAIN SUPPLEMENTS

SOCIAL SECURITY BENEFITS AGE TO BE BUMPED TO 95

GAS PRICES PLUMMET TO RECORD HIGH

DEMOCRATS BLAST BUSH'S 'SUPREME COURT NOMINEES FOR THE RICH'

TERESA HEINZ HEINZ CRIES FOUL OVER '06 AND '08 ELECTION RESULTS

MAPS TO LIST CALIFORNIA'S 9TH CIRCUIT COURT OF APPEALS JURISDICTION AS 'OCCUPIED TERRITORY'

SIX 'SIZZLING' STOCK TIPS LEAKED BY KIPLINGER'S

ITALY TO PULL TROOP FROM IRAQ

HILLARY CLINTON: 'HOW MANY TIMES DOES CONDI HAVE TO TELL PEOPLE THAT SHE'S NOT RUNNING?'

LEAK: ISRAEL DRAWS SECRET PLANS TO ATTACK IRANIAN KORAN PUBLISHER

NY TIMES: IRAQI WMD DIDN'T EXIST, THEY WERE LOOTED

BENNY HINN: CONGREGATION-FUNDED $2,689-A-NIGHT HOTEL ROOM IN CANCUN WAS 'THE CHEAPEST ONE GOD LEAD ME TO'

PORT OFFICIALS CONCERNED OVER POSSIBILITY OF 'ILLEGAL VESSEL ENTRY VIA TIDAL WAVE'

HILLARY DENIES INSTIGATING AFFAIR WITH SEN. McCAIN IN ATTEMPT TO 'COURT MODERATES'

NEWS ORGS SCRAMBLE TO RESCIND 'ERROR-FILLED' REPORTS OF BILL CLINTON SURGERY DEATH

MICHAEL JACKSON'S UMBRELLA GUY OFFERED PAY IN LLAMA FEED I.O.U.

MODERATELY CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICAN DEMOCRAT HILLARY CLINTON VISITS SEN. SANTORUM, BASHES HOLLYWOOD

CNN.COM BREAKING NEWS: MICHAEL JACKSON HAS 9 SECONDS TO SHOW UP FOR COURT

MICHAEL JACKSON TAKES FLIGHT FROM LAW IN SOLID GOLD WHITE BRONCO

DAN RATHER MULLS STINT ON VH1'S 'THE SURREAL LIFE'

CBS NEWSROOM INSIDER: 'DAN RATHER'S FROWN WILL BE MISSED'

AILING POPE TO ADMINISTER MASS VIA BLOG UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE

NEWS OF SADDAM CAPTURE ARRIVES IN CUBA

DAN RATHER: 'MY LEGACY IS AS TATTERED AS A HILLBILLY IN A SHREDDER... AS TARNISHED AS THE MARBORO MAN'S LUNG IN BLACK PAINT'

ITALIAN PRIME MINISTER BERLUSCONI KILLED IN 'FRIENDLY FIRE' FROM U.S. SNIPER

SUV OWNER SELLS SUV TO AFFORD FUEL FOR IT

BUSH: 'BOLTON IS PERFECT FOR THE U.N. AMBASSADORSHIP... HE HATES THE U.N.'

SENIOR BUSH 'UNCOMFORTABLE' IN BED WITH CLINTON AND 'FRIEND' ROLLING AROUND ON FLOOR

AILING POPE TO ADMINISTER MASS VIA BLOG UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE

ORGAN DONATION RECRUITERS DESCEND ON DAYTONA BEACH FOR 'BIKE WEEK'

MARTHA STEWART WEIGHT LOSS AND 'REBOUND' PROVES THAT CRIME PAYS

STUDY: JAPANESE HAIKUS DON'T MAKE SENSE

U.S. REBUKES HYANNISPORT FOR 'HARBORING THE ENEMY', THREATENS NAVAL BLOCKADE

MOVEON.ORG DONORS DEMAND MORE FOR THEIR MONEY

FOSSETT TO BRAVE TSA SECURITY GAUNTLET AT O'HARE NEXT

U.N. SCRAMBLES TO CONFRONT THREAT OF 'BUDDING INTEREST IN DEMOCRACY'

EVANGELICALS SKEPTICAL OF NEW 'MARK OF THE BEAST' ELECTRONIC PAYMENT SYSTEM

ATHEIST: 'WARS AND RUMORS OF WARS' LATELY PROVES NONEXISTENCE OF GOD

POPE ISSUES PAPAL ORDERS FROM COFFIN, SAYS WILL IS 'NOT YET NECESSARY'

BIN LADEN URGES PARTY LEADERSHIP TO CONSIDER 'BI-PARTISAN COOPERATION' WITH G.O.P.

HOLLYWOOD TAKES PAUSE FROM HILLARY SWANK OSCAR DRESS ANALYSIS TO CRITICIZE BUSH FOR 'BEING SHALLOW'

'LAW & ORDER' RATINGS SKYROCKET DURING ANTONIO BANDERAS OSCAR 'SINGING'

2006 OSCAR HYPE ESCALATES

DENNIS KUCINICH TRADES FORMER CAMPAIGN HQ FOR NISSAN SENTRA AT CAR MAX

SUPREME COURT UPHOLDS DEATH PENALTY FOR FETAL-AGED VICTIMS OF MURDER

LEAK: HOWARD DEAN RECRUITED FOR 50-CENT ENTOURAGE

TODDLER CHE GUEVARA ADMIRERS SNAPPING UP 'FASHIONABLE' CHE BIBS

POPE'S RELATIVES ALREADY QUARRELLING OVER POPEMOBILE INHERITANCE

THREAT OF 'MUTUALLY ASSURED DISSATISFACTION' LOOMS FOR J-LO AND LATEST HUSBAND

POPE STILL CLINGING TO LEADERSHIP OF WORLDWIDE CATHOLIC CHURCH DESPITE INABILITY TO TALK, SEE, BREATHE, LEAD

 

WILLIE NELSON BLAMES POOR RECORD SALES ON POOR DENNIS KUCINICH

AL GORE LEAVES UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA PROFESSORSHIP TO MANAGE BLUTH'S FROZEN BANANA STAND

DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION SECURITY COUNCIL TO PONDER PUNISHMENT FOR RUBBER BAND WEAPON BOY

WARD CHURCHILL TO LEAD 'PEACE PARADE' CALLING FOR THERMONUCLEAR ANNIHILATION OF THE WORLD

IRAN, NORTH KOREA AGREE U.S., RUSSIA SHOULD NOT HAVE NUCLEAR WEAPONS

VATICAN ISSUES DECREE BANNING POPE JOKES 'UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE'

EXTRATERRESTRIALS RELISH 'MAINSTREAM MEDIA ATTENTION' AFTER PETER JENNINGS UFO SPECIAL

DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION SECURITY COUNCIL TO VOTE ON PUNISHMENT FOR RUBBER BAND WEAPON BOY

VATICAN ISSUES DECREE BANNING POPE JOKES 'UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE'

AMERICANS DISTRAUGHT, PANIC-STRICKEN OVER QUEEN'S DECISION TO NOT ATTEND CHARLES' WEDDING

IRAN, NORTH KOREA AGREE U.S., RUSSIA SHOULD NOT HAVE NUCLEAR WEAPONS

AMERICANS DISTRAUGHT, PANIC-STRICKENED OVER QUEEN'S DECISION TO NOT ATTEND PRINCE CHARLES' WEDDING

REMBRANDT'S LAZY EYE DISCOVERY THREATENS TO DEVALUE PREVIOUSLY PRICELESS ART

'AIR AMERICA' SOUNDBOARD GUY GETS RAISE: PACKET OF KETCHUP ADDED TO BI-WEEKLY REAM OF PRINTER PAPER

NASA ORGASMS AT DISCOVERY OF MOLECULAR-SIZED LIFEFORM IN FOOTPRINT ON MARS

TSUNAMI AID TOUR CLIMAXES IN CLINTON BOOK SIGNING EVENT

FIDEL CASTRO EMBARKS ON 'FENCE MENDING TRIP' TO U.S., CUBA

MISSILE DEFENSE SYSTEM CONSIDERED FOR FLORIDA COAST AS THREAT FROM BAHAMAS LOOMS

'TOM DASCHLE' REMOVED FROM OFFICIAL COMPILATION OF HOUSEHOLD NAMES

MOTEL 6 'NEAR' VEGAS STRIP LOSES BID TO HOST NEW CIRQUE DU SOLEIL SHOW

GORE, KERRY LAMENT LACK OF ASSASSINATION ATTEMPTS ON THEIR LIVES

CANSECO FINGERS SEN. KENNEDY FOR INJECTING 'UNGODLY AMOUNTS OF NOURISHMENT'

RUSH LIMBAUGH KEEPS EGO IN CHECK DURING TROOP VISIT

MALE DEMOCRAT SENATORS HILLARY CLINTON AND JOHN MCCAIN TRAVEL TO IRAQ

BUSH SECRETLY TAPES CBS EVENING NEWS, THREATENS TO 'SHOW IT TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE'

'OBSCENE HOME MAKEOVER' BUILDS $20 MILLION MEGAMANSION FOR FORMER DOT-COM MILLIONAIRE

FOUL-MOUTHED COMEDIAN CHRIS ROCK BRACES FOR 'F-WORD' BARRAGE FROM OSCAR CROWD

JEFF GORDON WIN OVER DALE JR. AT DAYTONA 500 THREATENS TO RE-IGNITE TENSIONS BETWEEN HATFIELDS AND McCOYS

NHL HOCKEY SEASON REPORTEDLY 'UNDER WAY' BEFORE BEING CANCELED

EXPERT: IRAN 1 YEAR, 4 MONTHS, 13 DAYS, 4 HOURS AWAY FROM FIRST NUCLEAR BOMB

WHACKO JACKO TRIAL: BUBBLES THE CHIMP CALLED TO 'VOUCH FOR MICHAEL'S NORMALITY'

INTERNAL DNC PANEL ENDS ELECTION INVESTIGATION, BLAMES KERRY LOSS ON BUSH

REALITY RESEMBLES SATIRE: BILL CLINTON WINS GRAMMY FOR READING HIS OWN BOOK OUT LOUD

REALITY RESEMBLES SATIRE: BILL CLINTON WINS GRAMMY FOR READING HIS OWN BOOK OUT LOUD

PRINCE CHARLES' MARRIAGE TO LONG-TIME LIVE-IN FORNICATOR SET TO ROCK ENGLISH TABLOID INDUSTRY

PRINCE CHARLES WEDDING THREATENS TO SEND ENGLAND INTO 'FRENZIED STATE OF TABLOIDING'

INTERNAL DNC PANEL ENDS ELECTION INVESTIGATION, BLAMES KERRY LOSS ON BUSH

PRINCE CHARLES WEDDING THREATENS TO SEND ENGLAND INTO 'TABLOID EXPLOSION'

COREY FELDMAN CHARGED WITH MOLESTING MICHAEL JACKSON

PALESTINIAN SUICIDE BOMBERS REJECT ABBAS CEASE-FIRE OFFER

STATE OF UNION: DEMOCRATS SUPPRESS 'TRUE COLORS' BY FORCING SELVES TO STAND, APPLAUD

CAPTIVE TOY SOLDIER'S BROTHER TO SIT WITH LAURA BUSH AT STATE OF UNION

DEMOCRATS BLAME BUSH FOR STATE OF UNION SPEECH

PAT CADDELL: 'THE CAPTURE OF HOWARD DEAN WILL MAKE THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY SAFER'

MEDIA PRAISES JOURNALISTS FOR REPORTING ON IRAQIS WHO VOTED IN 'ELECTION MARKED BY DEATH THREATS'

MICHAEL JACKSON ARRIVES AT COURTHOUSE TO PERFORM IN CHILD MOLESTATION CASE

AMERICAN AUTOMOBILE OWNERS SAY IRAQ WAR 'SHOULD HAVE BEEN FOR OIL'

DENNIS KUCINICH CLAIMS IRAQI ELECTION 'MANDATE' IN .03% WRITE-IN VOTE

MICHAEL JACKSON EXPRESSES 'NO INTEREST OR INVOLVEMENT' WITH CHILD PORN CACHE FOUND IN HIS NEVERLAND BUNKER

PBS CELEBRATES 150TH VIEWER

SEN. BYRD: 'NEXT WEEK'S IRAQI ELECTION HAS BEEN A DISASTER'

KATIE COURIC TV SPECIAL GIVES RISE TO RUMOR THAT TEENAGERS ARE 'EXPERIMENTING' WITH SEX

 

NEW 'ALL CARB DIET' FAD GAINS MOMENTUM

 

CNN COVERAGE OF NEW KEVIN COSTNER MOVIE PREEMPTS 'FIRST BLACK FEMALE SECRETARY OF STATE THING'

'DESPERATE HOUSEDEMOCRATS' HITS RATINGS LOW POINT

HILLARY CLINTON STRUGGLES WITH REQUIREMENT TO 'LOOK FEMININE' FOR 2008 PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN

'THE PASSION' GETS OSCAR NOD FOR 'OBSCURE FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILMS: OTHER' CATEGORY

BUSH TWINS RELIEVED TO NOT HAVE SUFFERED THROUGH 'CHELSEA CLINTONESQUE AWKWARD STAGE'

SEN. BOXER LASHES OUT AT CONDI RICE IN D.C. GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE

HOME THEFTS ON THE RISE

ENVIRONMENTALISTS WARN AGAINST 'USING TOO MUCH ENERGY-POWERED HEAT' IN GLOBALLY-WARMED FREEZE

VH1'S 'THE SURREAL LIFE 5' TO INCLUDE SENS. KERRY AND EDWARDS

INAUGURAL MESSAGE OF HOPE, FREEDOM, AND THE GREATNESS OF AMERICA CONFUSES, DISCOURAGES DEMOCRATS