CONCERT-GOERS SPAZZ AFTER ROCK STAR YELLS OUT NAME OF THEIR CITY

OBAMA CHANTS 'DRILL BABY, DRILL" WITH TINA FEY AT RALLY

ENCLAVE OF GEORGIANS SHOCKED TO FIND OUT CIVIL WAR IS OVER

TOM CRUISE'S MOBILE SCIENTOLOGY TEMPLE FREAKS OUT NEW LEADING LADY

RICKY MARTIN CLAIMS TO NOT HAVE BEEN OPENLY-GAY UNTIL NOW

GATORADE KEG FULL OF TOMATO SAUCE POURED ON LOSING COACH

STONERS FEAR OBAMACARE WEED WONT BE AS GNARLY AS CURRENT STASH

INVESTIGATORS REASSEMBLE WOOD-CHIPPERED PIECES OF MAN TO DETERMINE CAUSE OF DEATH

NEGLECTED WYOMING GETS SKYPED VISIT FROM PRESIDENT OBAMA

OBAMA PUSHES LENDERS TO DO AWAY WITH MORTGAGES AND OTHER ENCUMBRANCES TO HOMEOWNERS

AEROBICS INSTRUCTOR SECRETLY DISGUSTED BY ALL OF HER STUDENTS

POLL: IGNORANT REPUBLICANS DON'T WANT FREE HEALTHCARE FOR ALL

COKE TO INTRODUCE NON-LETHAL VERSION OF ITS FAMOUS COLA

TIGER WOODS GRANTS 5 SECOND INTERVIEW TO ESPN

KID ROCK ENJOYING INTENTIONAL OVERDOSE

UNDER-REGULATED CANDY INDUSTRY ACCUSED OF TARGETTING CHILDREN

GOV STUDY: HOMESCHOOLERS DELAYING SEX ED UNTIL 'TOO LATE' AGE 6

AMERICANS COMPLAIN STUPID HEALTHCARE NEWS INTERFERRING WITH MICHELLE 'BOMBSHELL' McGEE COVERAGE

HOMELESS SETTLEMENT IN MASTER BEDROOM RUINS HOUSE SALE

OBAMA SCOLDS SECRET SERVICE BODYGUARDS FOR NOT JUMPING IN FRONT OF FOXNEWS QUESTIONS

LEAK: KUCINICH OFFERED GLIMPSE OF ROSWELL ALIEN FOR HEALTHCARE VOTE

CONCLUSIVE REPORT CONFIRMING TUPAC'S DEATH QUESTIONED

NANCY PELOSI'S TANKS FLANK HAPLESS HEALTHCARE OPPONENTS

DESPERATE DEMS: 'ANTI-HEALTHCARE BACK-WAXERS WILL ATTACK YOUR GANDPARENTS NEXT'

EXPERT: AGING MADONNA WILL INEVITABLY BECOME LESS MANLY

DEPT OF LABOR CLAIMS JOB CREATED

BARNEY FRANK ETHICS PROBE NOW INCLUDES MISSING SHOWER CURTAINS IN HOUSE GYM

TRAVOLTA DITCHES SCIENTOLOGY, LEAVES CRUISE AS ONLY REMAINING NUT

HACKER REDIRECT OF NYTIMES.COM TO PRAVDA SITE DOESN'T CONFUSE VISITORS

WHITE HOUSE TO PROMOTE GLOBAL WARMING, CITES COLD WEATHER'S RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIGH UNEMPLOYMENT

INCREASE IN REPO MEN AND TAX COLLECTORS IMPROVES NATIONAL EMPLOYMENT STATS

WHITE HOUSE: UNEMPLOYMENT NUMBERS DISTORTED BY WISHFUL THINKING

NEW HEALTHCARE BILL INCLUDES DEATH PANELS FOR ITS CRITICS

PRESS BEGINS VETTING FORMER PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE JOHN EDWARDS

AL GORE RETURNS TO HIDING AFTER ADDRESSING GLOBAL WARMING CRITICS IN PRAVDA OP-ED