HOMELAND SECURITY OFFICIALLY DEEMS DELAWARE EXPENDABLE

RAPPER'S BENTLEY SUCKS LAST BIT OF CASH OUT OF OVER-LEVERAGED EXISTENCE

MAN HAS HARD TIME EXPLAINING RICHARD SIMMONS FAN BLOG TO WIFE

CARMEX NOT POWERFUL ENOUGH TO COMBAT GUY'S HERPES ONSLAUGHT

OBAMA ORDERS INVESTIGATIONS INTO KENNEDY ASSASSINATION, CHENEY SHOOTING AFTER GADHAFI SUGGESTION

OSAMA BIN LADEN'S BOOK CLUB NOW FEATURES ONE MADDOW, TWO CARTER TOMES

LAZY MICHAEL JORDAN RESTING ON HIS LAURELS

GADHAFI ADDRESSES U.N. IN SOME WEIRD, HARD TO UNDERSTAND LANGUAGE

KHLOE KARDASHIAN ADDRESSES INCREASINGLY IRRELEVANT U.N.

AL QUEDA ROTATES INTO U.N. SECURITY COUNCIL CHAIR POSITION

OBAMA SET FOR NICKELODEON, HSN INTERVIEWS

OBAMA CALLS FOR INVESTIGATION OF TAXPAYER-FUNDED ACORN CRITICS IN CONGRESS

OFFICE GUY 'THAT'S WHAT SHE SAYS' PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING

JOHN EDWARDS MEETS WITH ADVISERS TO PLOT BASTARD CHILD REVELATION STRATEGY

OBAMA: RECESSION EBBING, BUT AMERICANS SHOULD STILL PREPARE FOR JOB LOSS, BANKRUPTCY, FORECLOSURE

CNN: FBI ARRESTS UNDOUBTEDEBLY INNOCENT ARAB-LOOKING GUY IN TERROR PROBE

DISASTER BUNKER INDUSTRY BEGS OBAMA FOR ANOTHER PUBLIC STATEMENT

OBAMA SNUBS FOX NEWS INTERVIEW FOR TALK WITH PRAVDA, GRANMA, AND CHINA'S STATE 'NEWS'

MICHAEL MOORE HELPS JAY LENO SHOW SHED EXCESSIVELY HIGH RATINGS

CHARLIE GIBSON SHOCKED TO FIND OUT ABOUT ACORN, MOON LANDING

DICK GEPHARDT: BUSH 'EVEN MORE OF A MISERABLE FAILURE' FOR NOT REIGNING IN DISRESPECTFUL JOE WILSON

OBAMA'S POLLS APPROACH KANYE WEST'S LIKEABILITY RATING AMONG TAYLOR SWIFT FANS

CNN ESTIMATES D.C. PROTEST CROWD AT 'PROBABLY A THOUSAND TO MAYBE MILLIONS OR WHATEVER'

OBAMA UNLEASHED: IF HEALTHCARE NOT PASSED, 'BILLIONS WILL DIE, WORLD WILL END'

CNN: HYSTERICAL REPORT ON POTOMAC BOAT ATTACK WAS ONLY 'NEWS TRAINING INCIDENT'

WHITE HOUSE REMEMBERS 9-11 WITH SPLIT SECOND OF SILENCE

NANCY KERRIGAN IGNORES THIRD FACEBOOK FRIEND REQUEST FROM TONYA HARDING

PRESIDENT OBAMA INTERRUPTS JOE WILSON'S 'YOU LIE' SPEECH WITH JOINT SESSION OF CONGRESS

MICHELLE OBAMA EASILY WINS ARGUMENT AGAINST SPEECHLESS HUSBAND AS TELEPROMPTER PREPARES FOR TONIGHT'S SPEECH ON CAPITOL HILL

LOST ANIMAL CHARITY WORKERS PROVIDE FOOD FOR HUNGRY MOUNTAIN LION

EXCHANGE RATE JUMPS IN COSTLY NEW YORK CITY TO $50 USD = $1 NYD

'PANHANDLING TRAINING' IN THIRD STIMULUS BILL PROMPTS CONCERN, APPLAUSE

SECURITY TIGHT AT MJ'S FORREST LAWN BURIAL; MEDIA PUSHED BACK TO ARIZONA

REPORT: OBAMA POLL NUMBERS INDICATE CLIMATE CHANGE MORE WIDESPREAD THAN PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT

WHITE HOUSE PAY CZAR RECOMMENDS AWESOME PAY CZAR PAY RAISE

BATTLE BEGINS FOR KENNEDY'S SENATE STAPLER