'HOME SHOPPING NETWORK: SUPER SPATULAS' BEATING LENO IN RATINGS RACE

WAL-MART RESPONDS TO HEALTHCARE REFORM BY OFFERING CASKETS ON WEBSITE

GIBBS: ROCK-PAPER-SCISSORS SESSION FINALLY SCHEDULED TO DETERMINE AFGHAN STRATEGY DECISION

ROCKETS RAIN ON NORTHERN ISRAEL; OBAMA CALLS HEZBOLLAH ROCKET CREW TO BEER SUMMIT

DISTANT CLOUD DELAYS LAUNCH OF $50 BILLION NASA ROCKET

REPORT: INADEQUATE PROVISIONS IN HEALTHCARE BILL FOR EXPLOSION OF .99 CENT BURGER DEALS

MICROSOFT SCRAMBLES TO ROLL OUT WINDOWS 8 IN RESPONSE TO WINDOWS 7 BUGS

FREAKED-OUT TEEN RELIEVED TO DISCOVER THAT SAW CHARACTER IN ROOM WAS ONLY RECENTLY-PURCHASED SAW CHARACTER MASK

FOX NEWS DRONE REPORTS BACK ON WHITE HOUSE TROOP FORMATIONS

AGING McCAIN LASHES OUT AT SOVIETS, COMMUNIST EAST GERMANY

FLOUNDERING T-MOBILE CLAIMS 'NEED TO MAKE A PHONE CALL? THERE'S AN APP FOR THAT' IN NEW AD

OBAMA ASSURES DNC THAT SENIORS WON'T REMEMBER 2009 BY 2012 ELECTIONS

MIKE TYSON SCRAPS COMEBACK PLANS AFTER WATCHING REVEALING MIKE TYSON DOCUMENTARY

STUDY: COMPUTER NERDS NOW GETTING ALL THE MONEY, CHICKS

JOBLESS RATE JUMPS UP TO OBAMA APPROVAL RATING

SUSPENSION LIFTED OVER CUB SCOUT SPORK; STUBBORN SCHOOL BOARD SAYS 'FINE, WE'LL ALLOW GUNS IN THE SCHOOL'

PALESTINIANS, ISRAELIS TO SETTLE DIFFERENCES IN WII TENNIS TOURNAMENT

WOODY, ROMAN SIGN TO CO-DIRECT 'LITTLE WOMEN'

LETTERMAN'S RATINGS BUOYED BY HILARIOUS AFFAIRS

WITH TOILET PAPER FUNDING DRIED UP, CINDY SHEEHAN RETIRES FROM CRAWFORD PROTEST

SOME CALIFORNIANS REMAIN IN STATE AS RAT POPULATION FLEES TO SAFETY

U.N. PUSHES BIRDSEED TO REPLACE U.S. DOLLAR

NASA'S ATTEMPT TO BLOW MOON UP FAILS TO DIVERT ATTENTION FROM UNDESERVED NOBEL PRIZE

NOBEL PRIZE-LESS HILLARY CLINTON MEETING WITH THE PRESIDENT OF NAURU

TWINS CONCEDE ALDS TO YANKS, WIN NOBEL PEACE PRIZE

OBAMA LANDS NOBEL PRIZE FOR SUPPORT OF IRAN'S PEACEFUL NUCLEAR ENERGY EFFORTS

SAUDIS MULL SELLING SAND AS WORLD REDUCES FOSSIL FUEL USAGE

TMZ: KATE GOSSELIN GAINS POUND

NEW BARNEY FRANK INTERN NERVOUS BECAUSE HE'S TOTALLY NOT GAY

BRAZIL CLEARS 10,000 ACRES OF RAIN FOREST FOR NEW GREEN OLYMPIC VENUE

NETWORKS VYING FOR INEVITABLE JON GOSSELIN-JOEY BUTTAFUOCO PAY-PER-VIEW BOXING MATCH

OVERWHELMED POPE NOT SURE WHERE TO BEGIN CONDEMNING

OLYMPIC COMMITTEE BEING FITTED FOR CONCRETE SHOES AFTER DISSING CHICAGO

BIDS TO HOST 2016 OLYMPICS IGNORE 2012 END OF WORLD

LETTERMAN ADMITS TO CLINTONING STAFFERS

MULTI-MILLIONAIRE CAPITALIST MICHAEL MOORE SET TO RELEASE NEW MOVIE

OPRAH ANONYMOUSLY FUNDS CHARITY 'WITH MY OWN MONEY'