GLOBAL WARMING CONTINUES TO IRONICALLY BLANKET SOUTH WITH ICE

CALIFORNIA ON THE BRINK: STATE BORROWS $8 FROM LEMONADE STAND KID TO SURVIVE THROUGH WEEKEND

U.S. TV VIEWERS OUTRAGED AS STATE OF UNION PREEMPTS COOL iPAD COMMERCIALS

TOYOTA TO OFFER FREE STUNT CRASH DRIVING TRAINING WITH VEHICLE PURCHASES

OBAMA'S TELEPROMPTER PREPARING FOR THE 'MOST IMPORTANT' SPEECH OF ITS PRESIDENCY

OBAMA EXPECTED TO SAY 'ERA OF RIDICULOUSLY HUMONGOUS GOVERNMENT IS UNFORTUNATELY ALMOST OVER' IN STATE OF UNION

WHITE HOUSE SPOKESLIBERALS: RECOVERY EFFORTS HAVE SAVED BETWEEN 'HUNDREDS' AND 'HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS' OF JOBS

BIN LADEN ELUDES CAPTURE AGAIN, HAND-DELIVERS LATEST TAPE DIRECTLY TO JANET NAPOLITANO

AIR AMERICA SUCCUMBS TO HOSTILE TAKEOVER BY LEMONADE STAND KID

TIGER WOODS PASSES SEX REHAB'S FINAL EXAM, SHOWS NO INTEREST IN CHICKS

IRRITATED GORE CAN NOW SEE EXPANDING POLAR ICE CAP FROM HIS HOUSE

SAN FRANCISCO COURTS RUSH LIMBAUGH FOR MAYOR SPOT

RACIST 'PANTS ON THE GROUND' HIT SINGLE SPARKS SHARPTON'S IRE

PELOSI: HEALTHCARE BILL WILL 'HAVE TO BE PRIED FROM MY CURRENTLY COLD, DEAD FINGERS'

MASS DEMS URGE CAUTION FOR REPUBLICAN VOTERS' OUT IN 'TODAY'S HORRIBLY DANGEROUS WEATHER'

DEMS URGE RECOUNT OF MASSACHUSETTS ELECTION; POLLS OPEN SOON

BILL CLINTON FINALLY VISITS SITE OF '93 WORLD TRADE CENTER BOMBING

HAITIANS REJECT ASSISTANCE OFFER FROM RAY NAGIN

DISASTER AID DONATIONS POURING INTO HAITI, MASSACHUSETTS

TIGER WOODS TO DONATE $3 MILLION TO AID HAITI, WOODS' IMAGE

BUSH, FEMA CRITICIZED FOR DELAYED HAITI EARTHQUAKE RESPONSE

LENO RESTORED TO TONIGHT SHOW; AMERICANS MULL SIMILAR ARRANGEMENT FOR BUSH, PRESIDENCY

WHITE HOUSE: HAITIAN QUAKE 'NOT ENTIRELY' BUSH'S FAULT

REPORT: GORE, TIGER HEADED TO WARMER CLIMATE

SEN. REID: 'SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS ARE CLEAN, ARTICULATE LIGHT-SKINNED NEGROE TYPES'

TMZ: BLURRY PHOTO CAPTURES TIGER, ELVIS, AND LOCH NESS MONSTER AT ORLANDO PERKINS

AL GORE LEAVES HIBERNATION TO WARN OF DANGEROUSLY EXPANDING POLAR ICECAP

MILLIONS OF UNEDUCATED PEOPLE WONDERING WHERE THE GLOBAL WARMING IS

IRANIAN HOMELAND SECURITY PUTS TERRORIST JOHN KERRY ON NO-FLY LIST

WHITE HOUSE EXPERT: BUSH STILL AT FAULT FOR A WHOLE MESS OF THINGS

NAPOLITANO ANNOUNCES 'A COMPREHENSIVE SECURITY PLAN' TO SECURE HER EMPLOYMENT