WHITE HOUSE DENIES THAT 'CASH FOR WORTLESS JALOPIES' PROGRAM IS DEFUNCT

OBAMA-BUSH-CHENEY UNO GAME TO FOLLOW OBAMA'S BEER WITH CAMBRIDGE COP

HILLARY CLINTON MAINTAINS PROSPECT OF RUNNING AGAINST OBAMA CONTINUES TO BE SOMETHING SHE'LL CACKLE ABOUT

PRISON GYM RAT BERNIE MADOFF SUCCESSFULLY FIGHTS OFF SHIV ATTACK

THOUSANDS OF RECORD LOW JULY TEMPS SPARK AL GORE'S GLOBAL WARMING FEARS AGAIN SOMEHOW

IDI AMIN’S GENOCIDE RE-POSITIONED IN HISTORY AS ‘TEACHABLE MOMENT’

GOV: 'PROJECT 666' NAME FOR NATIONAL ID CHIP PROGRAM A 'MERE COINCIDENCE'

DEVALUED U.S. DOLLAR NOW ONLY WORTH SEVEN WHEELBARRELS OF IRAQI DINARS

OBAMA URGES CONGRESS TO PASS HEALTHCARE BILL BY 2 A.M.

WHITE HOUSE DELAYS BUDGET REPORT THAT INCLUDES $5 MILLION LINT BRUSH

SLEEPLESS SPACE SHUTTLE CREW WISHES THEY HADN'T STAYED UP LATE WATCHING ALIEN

ALEC BALDWIN, CARROT TOP, GALLAGHER CONSIDER FOLLOWING FRANKEN INTO SENATE

SOTOMAYOR CORRECTS CRITICS: 'I KNOW YOU KNOW YOU BELIEVE AND UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU AND I BELIEVE I SAID'

COMMITTEE THAT GAVE GORE CLIMATE CHANGE PRIZE GRANTS MADOFF NOBEL PRIZE FOR FINANCE

CNN: JAKARTA TERROR ATTACK 'MOST LIKELY CARRIED OUT BY TIMOTHY McVEIGH TYPES'

REPORT: LEGALIZING POT WILL INCREASE TAX REVENUES, BEN & JERRY'S ICE CREAM SALES

JOE JACKSON SETS UP WEBSITE, ASKS L.A. TAXPAYERS TO HELP WITH NEW RECORD COMPANY COSTS

DEMS SLIP SOCIAL SECURITY, WELFARE, AND NATIONAL DEFENSE REFORM INTO HEALTHCARE BILL

U.S. SET TO CELEBRATE 40TH ANNIVERSARY OF ALLEGED MOON LANDING

SHOCK REPORT: SHOCKING REPORTS ARE DISTURBING

BIDEN DOWNPLAYS EXPECTATIONS FOR STIMULUS: SAYS 'WE'LL MOST LIKELY ALL BE DEAD SOON'

TELEPROMPTER STAGES PROTEST OVER SOARING DEFICITS

AT CONFIRMATION HEARINGS, SEN. FRANKEN CIRCLING SOTOMAYOR ON MINI CLOWN BIKE

DEMS GRILL SOTOMAYOR OVER ICE CREAM FLAVOR PREFERENCE, PERFUME CHOICE

400 XANAX-PILLS-PER-DAY HABIT REVEALED IN UNSOLVED MJ DEATH MYSTERY

POST-MADOFF PALM BEACH REAL ESTATE MAG MISTAKEN FOR PHONE BOOK

TRIGGER-SHY NASA DELAYS SHUTTLE LAUNCH, CITES WORN WIPER BLADES

LARRY KING ALIVE, DESPITE RUMORS CIRCULATING AT LARRY KING FUNERAL

WHITE HOUSE: OBAMA WASN'T RUBBER-NECKING AT TEEN'S BACKSIDE; WAS BOWING TO NEARBY SAUDI KING

BUSY JESSE JACKSON SENDS CARDBOARD CUTOUT OF SELF TO INCITE RACIAL UNREST IN PHILLY

HEALTHCARE BILL INCLUDES BILLIONS FOR VINTAGE BIG WHEELS, RAINBOW-COLORED PROPELLER HATS

NBC JOURNALIST: IT WAS 'BITTERSWEET' TO FINALLY WASH HAND OBAMA SHOOK LAST YEAR

SHOCK: TALK OF 'NEW STIMULUS' IS THIRD; CONGRESS PASSED SECOND STIMULUS DURING MJ MEMORIAL

CNN ATTACKS MICHELLE OBAMA FOR 'NOT SHOWING MORE OF THOSE HEAVENLY ARMS'

JACKSON-SATURATED MEDIA ANXIOUS TO RETURN TO ATTACKING PALIN

JOE JACKSON ASKS TO COMBINE MICHAEL JACKSON EULOGY WITH NEW RECORD COMPANY IPO INFO

MJ FUNERAL MOTORCADE PULLS OVER TO SPANK BICKERING AL SHARPTON AND JESSE JACKSON

DAVID HASSELHOFF'S REQUEST TO PERFORM 'HIT SONG' AT JACKSON MEMORIAL DENIED

POLL: MOST STILL THINK FRANKEN SENATE ASCENDANCY IS A PRANK

OBAMA OFFERS PUTIN SCALPED TICKET TO JACKSON MEMORIAL IN EXCHANGE FOR FRIENDSHIP

MSNBC: FBI FAILS TO FIND FBI CORRUPTION CHARGES LEVIED AGAINST SCANDALOUS SARAH PALIN

STATESMAN AL FRANKEN MANAGES TO CONTAIN HILARIOUS BUSH-THE-IRAQI-BABY-KILLER JOKE HE WROTE

LEAK: OBAMA MAY SEIZE MORE INDUSTRIES WHILE NATION DISTRACTED BY MICHAEL JACKSON MEMORIAL

NASA ALERT AS INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION CLIPS EDGE OF OBAMA BUDGET

NORTH KOREA: WITH JUST ONE MORE ROLL OF DUCT TAPE, SOME TWINE AND A BIC LIGHTER, WOODEN ROCKET WILL ANNIHILATE U.S.

LIQUID NAILS NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO HOLD WOODEN NORTH KOREAN ROCKET TOGETHER; LAUNCH SCRUBBED

FOX NEWS' CARL CAMERON: SELFISH PALIN ATTEMPTING TO MONOPOLIZE NEWS CYCLE

SARAH PALIN VACATING GOVERNOR'S POST TO ATTEND TO WHATEVER EVERYONE'S SPECULATING ABOUT

COLIN POWELL EXPRESSES 'A CERTAIN DEGREE OF NUANCED CONCERN' OVER OBAMA AGENDA

NASA: WEIGHT OF ADDITIONAL FED CASH THROWING EARTH'S ORBIT ASKEW

JOE JACKSON OFFERING MICHAEL JACKSON AUTOPSY PHOTOS IN EXCHANGE FOR INTEREST IN STUPID NEW RECORD COMPANY

WHITE HOUSE SAYS OBAMA TOWN HALL QUESTION TO AUDIENCE MEMBER RAHM EMANUEL NOT STAGED

BANKRUPTCY LOOMS FOR PLAYBOY AFTER HELEN THOMAS NUDE COVER

JESSE JACKSON, AL SHARPTON MUD WRESTLE OVER MICHAEL JACKSON FUNERAL MOTORCADE POLE POSITION

CONSTRUCTION CREWS GETTING MICHAEL JACKSON READY FOR PUBLIC VIEWING AT NEVERLAND