HILLARY CLINTON: 'I DIDN'T ASKED FOR MOTHER TERESA'S MANTLE OF FAITH AND LOVE, IT JUST FELL UPON ME'

NEW IRANIAN PRESIDENT THOUGHT TO HAVE MASTERMINDED 2004 KERRY PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN

WORLD INCHES CLOSER TO WORLD WAR III OR IV AFTER PUTIN THEFT OF SUPER BOWL RING

FREAK: TOM CRUISE BREAKS TONGUE-LOCK WITH CURRENT LOVE INTEREST TO RANT ABOUT ALIENS AMONG US

EXPERT: TOM CRUISE HURTLING TOWARDS 'MICHAELJACKSONISM'

HOWARD DEAN ATTEMPTS NEW ANGLE, CLAIMS BUSH CONSULTED EXTRATERRESTRIALS BEFORE IRAQ INVASION

BLING FUTURES ON THE RISE AFTER JAY-Z TOUR ANNOUNCEMENT

ELDER BUSH GOLFS WITH CLINTON, COAXES HIM FOR 'A QUICK DIP' IN WAVES OFF FLORIDA'S GULF COAST

SUPREME COURT JUSTICE SOUTER'S HOME BEING RAZED TO MAKE WAY FOR 'MORE PROFITABLE' BANANA STAND

TOM BROKAW, PETER JENNINGS, AND DAN RATHER'S REPLACEMENT TO COVER PRESIDENT'S SPEECH FROM ARUBA

LEAK: BUSH SPEECH TO INCLUDE CRITICISM OF PARENTS WHO 'SPEND TOO MUCH TIME WITH CLINTON'

BUSH CONSIDERS 'DATE CERTAIN' FOR PULLING OUT OF SUPREME COURT

CHENEY AND RUMSFELD AGREE THAT IRAQ INSURGENCY IS 'ALIVE AND STRONG, CRUMBLING, AND DEAD'

TOM CRUISE, MATT LAUER WRESTLE OVER BENEFIT OF HEROIN-BASED ALTERNATIVES TO PSYCHIATRY

EXPERTS: TOM CRUISE A 'SCIENTOLOGIST WHACK JOB'

OUTRAGED PROPERTY OWNERS THROW LIBERAL SUPREME COURT JUSTICES INTO BOSTON HARBOR

OPRAH: I WAS DENIED ENTRY TO RICKI LAKE STRATEGY MEETING 'BECAUSE I'M BLACK'

CRICKET CHIRPING INTERRUPTS POLITICIANS' ARGUMENT AGAINST EMINENT DOMAIN RULING

D.C. OFFICIALS APPROVE RAZING OF DNC HQ DUE TO 'EXTREME BLIGHT'

DNC SPINS INTO FROTH-FILLED OVERDRIVE AFTER ROVE REMARKS

OOPS: LEADING DEMOCRAT QUICKLY RENEGES ON CALLING PBS 'OUR BULLHORN'

PRIVATE DEVELOPER PUSHES SUPREME COURT TO RULE FOR APARTMENT COMPLEX ON CURRENT WHITE HOUSE PROPERTY

AUTOMOBILE BUMPER DAMAGED IN HUMAN HIT-AND-FALL INCIDENT

DICK (DURBIN, IL) AVOIDS EYE CONTACT DURING 'APOLOGY'

MISSING BODY FOUND ALIVE IN UTAH

EXPERTS STRESS BIRD FLU EPIDEMIC COULD - COULD - BE APOCALYPTIC

'CLEAN FREAK' SADDAM REPULSED BY SYMPATHETIC VISIT FROM 'DISGUSTING' SEN. DURBIN (DICK, IL.)

WORLDWIDE FLABBERGAST AS NEW JOE KLEIN BOOK ALLEGES CLINTON PHILANDERING

PRESIDENT BUSH 'UNEASY' WITH CLINTON'S NEW STATUS AS 'BROTHER'

SEN. BIDEN THROWS HAT INTO RING OF 2008 DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL LOSERS

BUSH'S 'WAR ON IMMORALITY' BLAMED FOR BOX OFFICE RECESSION

JANITOR OVERWHELMED BY 'PILE OF WASTE MATTER' LEFT BEHIND AFTER MEETING OF DEMOCRATIC LEADERS

AL-JAZEERA ANGLES TO STAR THE DICK DURBIN ON 'ANTI-AMERICAN IDOL'

TOM CRUISE PROPOSES DIVORCE DATE TO KATIE HOLMES ATOP EIFFEL TOWER

MICHAEL JACKSON ASSISTANT SHOPS UMBRELLA-HANDLING SKILLS TO L.A. TALENT AGENCIES

CONGRESSMEN QUESTION EXISTENCE OF EXIT STRATEGY FROM DISNEY

MICHAELS JACKSON AND TYSON UNITE TO FIGHT CREDITORS, FUTURE PROSECUTIONS

JACKSON FANS: 'WE'LL GIVE WHACKO THREE OR FOUR MORE CHANCES, BUT THAT'S IT'

JACKSON VERDICT REACHED: FOXNEWS FOLLOWS WHITE BRONCO DOWN CALIFORNIA HWY

NEW BOOK ALLEGES BILL FORCED SELF ON HILLARY FOR SOME CRAZY REASON

COMBINED DEBTS OF MIKES - TYSON AND JACKSON - THREATEN TO COLLAPSE ECONOMY

SADDAM LAWYER: 2018 TRIAL DATE IS 'TOO SOON'

MOST LIKELY TRASHED JANET RENO WRECKS TRUCK IN KEY WEST

WWWF HOPEFUL MIKE TYSON LOSES BOXING MATCH, CAREER, FANS, ETC.

NEXT GENERATION OF TEXT MESSAGING TECHNOLOGY WILL ALLOW REAL TIME EXCHANGE OF AUDIO VIA CELL PHONES

FUTURE OF AIRLINE INDUSTRY IS UP IN THE AIR

MICHAEL JACKSON JURY MILKING $5 PER DIEM

DEMOCRATS HOLD BREATHS AS DEAN PASSES CLOSE TO LIVE MIC

MEDIA: MORE 'SHOCKINGLY POSITIVE' ECONOMIC NUMBERS RELEASED

JACKSON JURY REQUESTS TO HAVE PERSONAL BOOK EDITORS TO SIT IN ON DELIBERATIONS

NEW ORLEANS BRACES FOR WHAT COULD BE A CATEGORY 5 HURRICANE AND BILLIONS IN DAMAGE

NBA COMMISSIONER: 2005 PLAYOFFS 'A SUCCESS' WITH FEWER DRUG ARRESTS, KILLINGS

CNN: DEAD BODY FOUND IN HORROR HOUSE FULL OF SKELETONS, CADAVERS

O.J. VERDICT EXPECTED IN MICHAEL JACKSON TRIAL AT 4 PM CST

JURY STILL OUT ON WHACKO 'MICHAEL JACKSON' JACKO PEDOPHILIA CASE

HOWARD DEAN: 'DEMOCRATS ARE THE OPPOSITES OF REPUBLICANS... YOU KNOW, BLACK ATHEISTS"

NY TIMES: KORAN ABUSE 'AKIN TO SPITTING IN THE FACE OF OUR GOD'

DEEP THROAT FAMILY: 'OUR MOTIVES WERE HONEST, AND PURELY MONEY DRIVEN'

BARNEY FRANK PREGNANCY RUMORS RETURN TO CAPITOL HILL

CLASSIFICATION OF SLOTHFULNESS AS 'DISEASE' BARS EMPLOYERS FROM TERMINATING LAZIES

REPORT: MICHAEL JACKSON PERPETUAL DEHYDRATION MAY BE DUE TO 'INADEQUATE FUNDS TO AFFORD WATER'

CNN: LOW RATINGS WERE DUE TO 'SO MANY VIEWERS AT OUR ANNIVERSARY PARTY'

SKEWERING OF NOVAK FOR PLAME LEAK RESCINDED IN WAKE OF DEEP THROAT CELEBRATION

DEEP THROAT LEAK REVEALS CARL BERNSTEIN'S POOR AGING CONDITION TO MANY