POTHEADS GREET LIBERAL MEDICAL MARIJUANA LAWS WITH CLAIMS OF AILMENTS, ALLEGED INFIRMITIES

BP READYING LAST-DITCH 'HOPE AND CHANGE' STRATEGY FOR GUSHING WELL

MEDIA NEARLY MISSES OBAMA'S DRIVE-BY GULF VISIT

NEW PALIN FENCE BLOCKS CREEPY NEIGHBOR'S VIEW OF POOL, PLAYGROUND, RUSSIA

OBAMA TO VISIT GULF COAST IN PERSON; ADVISED THAT FAXED SUPPORT 'TOO IMPERSONAL'

BILL CLINTON: END OF WORLD IN 2012 MAY SOLVE EARTH'S UNSUSTAINABILITY PROBLEMS

U.S. ACCEPTS $2,600 ECONOMIC STIMULUS AID PACKAGE FROM COSTA RICA

VP BIDEN CELEBRATES THIRD CONSECUTIVE 'CATASTROPHIC GAFFE-FREE' DAY

GUY AT BAR CLAIMS BP IGNORING HIS 'KILLER PLAN' TO STOP OIL FLOW

VEGAS AUDIENCE: CARROT TOP'S FREAKY BENCH PRESS DEMO DISTRACTS FROM COMEDY ACT

POLICE: GUY SHOT OTHER GUY IN APPARENT ACT OF UNPLEASANTNESS

ERIC HOLDER ALREADY ON FOURTH PAGE OF TEN-PAGE ARIZONA IMMIGRATION BILL

NEW WATERPROOF TELEPROMPTER ALLOWS OBAMA TO SING, THINK OUT LOUD IN SHOWER

CHIEF WHITE HOUSE SPIN DOCTOR RESIGNS TO TAKE 'EASIER, SLOWER-PACED' JOB AS BP CLAIMS PROCESSOR

AMERICAN FLAG SHIRT-WEARING SIXTH GRADER EXECUTED AFTER SCHOOL LUNCH PRAYER

ENERGY PRICES PREDICTED TO REACH $100 PER BARREL OF GULF COAST SEAWATER BY FALL

BP SPRAYING ANTHRAX, CYANIDE, RAT POISON CONCOCTION TO CLEAN GULF BEACHES

BP RESORTS TO PLAN B, HOPES OIL WELL IS NEARING DRY

SUSPICIOUS AL GORE PEZ DISPENSER PROMPTS EVACUATION OF MANHATTAN

PICASSO PIECE SELLS FOR SOME STUPIDLY HIGH PRICE

DUDE CLICKS WRONG BUTTON AGAIN, NATION'S 401Ks SHED SEVERAL BAZILLION

ECONOMIST FORSEES U.S. JOBLESS RATE REACHING 110% BY 2012

FEDS MONITORING CAPITALIST TERRORISM IN GULF AND INVESTIGATING MAN-CAUSED DISASTER ATTEMPT IN TIMES SQUARE

ORLANDO MAGIC ACCEPT FORMAL CONCESSION FROM ATLANTA HAWKS ATTORNEY

GIANT MAGIC ERASER BEING CONSTRUCTED FOR QUICK AND EASY GULF CLEANUP

JANET NAPOLITANO: FEDS NABBED TIMES SQUARE 'TEA PARTY TYPE' FAISAL SHAHZAD

OBAMA BEGS GULF COAST RESIDENTS NOT TO HUDDLE UP IN SUPERDOME

SEX-DEPRIVED TIGER MISSES CUT AT QUAIL HOLLOW

LOS ANGELES TIMES SOLD TO HOMELESS MAN FOR CARDBOARD BOX TOP, THREADBARE CARDIGAN