KUCINICH UFO REVELATION PROVIDES SURPRISING POLL BOUNCE, CLINTON CLAIMS ABDUCTION, PRODDING

DENNIS KUCINICH DRAGGED FROM AREA 51 FRONT GATE, YELLS 'DON'T TASE ME BRO'

HILLARY CLINTON FILES RESTRAINING ORDERS AGAINST EDWARDS, OBAMA, AND RUSSERT

HILLARY ACHIEVES RECORD THREE POLICY CONTRADICTIONS IN FOUR WORD SENTENCE

CNN: VIABILITY OF HILLARY CLINTON PRESIDENCY INCREASED AFTER ZIMBAMBWEAN TRIBE ELECTS WOMAN AS CHIEF MEDICINE DOCTOR

JOHN EDWARDS CRITICIZES HILLARY, JEOPARDIZES AMBASSADORSHIP TO PACIFIC ATOLL

CONGRESS TURNS ATTENTION TO INGREDIENT DISCLOSURE REQUIREMENTS FOR NEW MOUNTAIN DEW FLAVOR

BILL GATE'S SECRETARY OF DEFENSE UNVEILS PLANS TO PROTECT MICROSOFT AGAINST 'IMMINENT THREAT' FROM GOOGLE

POLL: McCAIN MOVES 1 POINT CLOSER TO THIRD PLACE CANDIDATE 'ANYONE BUT McCAIN'

OBAMA ANNOUNCES DATE FOR ANTI-CLINTON SMEAR CAMPAIGN LAUNCH PARTY

MAN PRAYING FOR RAPTURE TO PROVE FRIEND WRONG, WIN BET

KUCINICH CONVERTS TO 'RADICALIZED ISLAM' TO COURT DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY VOTERS

BOSOX NEAR 50 RUN-PER-INNING LIMIT IN WORLD SERIES OPENER

 

MICHAEL MOORE SUES DAVID ORTIZ FOR 'BIG POPPY' TRADE NAME INFRINGEMENT

 

SCIENTISTS DISCOVER LIFE IN BILL RICHARDSON'S CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS

CIA: NEW BARACK OBAMA AUDIO TAPE IS AUTHENTIC

KID ROCK ARRESTED AFTER WAFFLE HOUSE BRAWL OVER PAMELA ANDERSON, HOME FRIES

 

HILLARY CLINTON TO SOFTEN IMAGE WITH STARRING ROLE IN BABY EINSTEIN VIDEO

BUSH VETOES CONGRESSIONAL SPENDING BILL THAT INCLUDES SEN. REID'S WEEKLY PAY

 

DAVID COPPERFIELD ATTEMPTS AZTEC TOMB DISAPPEARANCE AFTER RAPE ACCUSATION

MANNY RAMIREZ 'DISTRACTED' BY LACK OF BOOS DURING AT-BAT

 

GLOBAL WARMING-INDUCED LIGHT DRIZZLE RAVISHES MIDWEST TOWN

CRIMINAL RIGHTS LOBBY INSISTS DEATH ROW INMATES BE SEDATED BEFORE ADMINISTRATION OF NEW LETHAL LAUGHING GAS

 

CONGRESS OUTPACES BUSH IN RACE TO COVETED SINGLE-DIGIT APPROVAL RATING

 

NY PUBLIC SCHOOL FIFTH GRADER AVOIDS SUSPENSION WHEN SUSPECTED FLINTSTONE VITAMIN TURNS OUT ONLY TO BE BIRTH CONTROL PILL

AL GORE EYES U.S. PRESIDENCY AS STEPPING STONE TO GLOBAL ANTICHRIST OF REVELATIONS

BRITISH HEALTH SYSTEM TO SEEK CURE FOR ITS AILMENTS IN THE U.S.

LIBYA WINS SEAT ON U.N. SECURITY COUNCIL, GETS INVITE TO AL GORE NOBEL PRIZE PARTY

PENTAGON PREPARED TO ANNOUNCE VICTORY OVER DEMOCRATS IN IRAQ

AL GORE'S PRIVATE GULFSTREAM IV JET GOES GREEN WITH NEW ENERGY EFFICIENT LIGHTBULBS

DON IMUS TO DEBUT ON WABC RADIO WITH 24 HOUR DELAY

NEWSWEEK EXPLORES 'MAGICAL MARRIAGES' OF HOLLYWOOD COUPLES, BILL AND HILLARY CLINTON

POPE MOBILE ARMORED-UP TO PROTECT PONTIFF FROM CRAZY X-GIRLFRIEND

 

NANCY PELOSI IMITATES BAD PHONE CONNECTION SOUND EFFECT DURING INTERVIEW QUESTION ABOUT CONGRESS' APPROVAL RATING

 

BARACK OBAMA ARRIVES IN BLACK FACE TO SPEAK TO GEORGIA'S NAACP CHAPTER

 

SEN. CLINTON REJECTS OFFER TO BE LYNDON LAROUCHE'S VEEP

 

IRONIC FASHION AD CONFUSES REPUBLICAN MAGAZINE SUBSCRIBERS

BONO SET TO CLAIM RESPONSIBILITY FOR EVENTUAL ERADICATION OF AIDS VIRUS, WORLD HUNGER

GLOBAL COOLING SCIENTISTS OF THE 70'S GIVE NOBEL COMMITTEE SILENT TREATMENT

JOHN EDWARDS COURTS CLINTON SUPPORTERS WITH LEAKED RUMORS OF HIS SORDID AFFAIR

WALTER MONDALE SET TO STIFLE HILLARY CLINTON'S PRESIDENTIAL HOPES WITH HIS ENDORSEMENT

SEN. CLINTON SEEKS TO REMOVE GENEVA CONVENTION RIGHTS FROM GOP FOES

NOBEL PEACE PRIZE COMMITTEE: 'WITHOUT AL GORE, WE'D ALL BE AT WAR'

SECRET SERVICE AGENT LEAVES HILLARY CLINTON'S SIDE FOR 'SAFER JOB' IN ABANDONED MINE SHAFT

BRITNEY SPEARS FINDS PREVIOUSLY UNDISCOVERED LEVEL BENEATH ROCK BOTTOM

TROPICAL STORM WEAKENS DESPITE ENCOURAGEMENT FROM AL GORE

 

ECSTATIC HOME SELLER OFFLOADS HOUSE FOR TWO iPODS AND BOX OF WINE

 

SEN. EDWARDS INSISTS CANDIDACY IS 'STILL VIABLE', CITES 19 NEW MYSPACE FRIENDS

 

BARACK OBAMA JOINS AL QUEDA AND BEFRIENDS JOE LIEBERMAN TO APPEAL TO BOTH ENDS OF DEMOCRAT VOTING BASE

 

OPRAH SPLURGES ON SHOPPING SPREE, PURCHASES CHANEL HANDBAG, YVES ST LAURENT PERFUME, GENERAL MOTORS

 

OBAMA'S NEW MESSAGE OF 'HOPE' FOCUSES ON DESIRE FOR POLLS TO CHANGE IN HIS FAVOR

 

NON-CANDIDATE ELIZABETH KUCINICH TRUMPS HUSBAND IN POLLS FOR THIRD STRAIGHT WEEK

 

DARK HORSE CANDIDATE 'SOMEONE ELSE' WINS GOP PERSONALITY POLL

 

J-LO PREGNANCY RUMORS SET TO BUMP BRITNEY SPEARS FROM TOP SPOT ON CNN.COM'S 'INTERNATIONAL NEWS' SECTION

BARACK OBAMA CALLS BLACK SEPARATIST PAST 'AN INNOCENT OVERSIGHT IN MY YOUNGER YEARS'

APPLE STOCK DROPS AFTER DEATH TOLL RISES FROM OVERHEATING iPODS

LIBERALS ATTACK BUSH FOR APPROVING 'VISCIOUS INTERROGATION METHODS' INCLUDING DETENTION, TIME-OUTS, AND QUESTIONING

CRICKETS INTERRUPT FRED THOMPSON APPLAUSE LINE PAUSE

KEVIN FEDERLINE'S ENTOURAGE OF HANGER-ONERS AND WANNABES PLEDGE TO BE 'GOOD DADDIES' TO BRIT'S KIDS

 

TROPHY WIFE LIFTED ABOVE FRED THOMPSON'S HEAD, KISSED FOR THE CAMERAS

 

SEN. REID PLEDGES TROOP SURGE IN WAR AGAINST RUSH LIMBAUGH

 

FIRE DEPARTMENT ENFORCES MAXIMUM CAPACITY CODE AT HOTEL MEETING OF SHAR JACKSON'S BABIES' DADDIES

 

SEN. McCAIN TAPS LAST WILLING FAMILY MEMBER FOR LUNCH MONEY

 

WESLEY CLARK SUGGESTS SWAPPING LIMBAUGH FOR AL FRANKEN ON ARMED SERVICES RADIO FOR 'TROOP MORALE'

ANITA HILL TO SERVE AS DEFENSE ADVISOR FOR 'OBVIOUSLY INNOCENT' ISAIAH THOMAS'

INEXPERIENCED OBAMA ACCIDENTALLY WRITES 'HEFTY' CHECK TO CLINTON CAMPAIGN, SETS FUNDRAISING RECORD FOR HER

NEW HORROR MOVIE TO FEATURE HILLARY'S HYENA LAUGH

DEMOCRATS PLEDGE TO 'CONTINUE THE FIGHT' DESPITE DROP IN IRAQ DEATHS