INDIA ENDS PLAN TO COLONIZE MARS AFTER WICK ON WOODEN ROCKET FAILS TO IGNITE

PROPOSED 110% TAX ON TOP INCOME EARNERS RUFFLES RICH FEATHERS

PACE AND FLAVOR OF OBAMA INITIATIVES MAKING SATIRE IRRELEVANT

BILL O'REILLY AND BARNEY FRANK CANCEL CAMPING TRIP TOGETHER DUE TO ASTRONOMICALLY HIGH LEVEL OF EXTREME MUTUAL HATRED

OBAMA RELAXES INTERROGATION RULES, WILL ALLOW DETAINEES TO TORTURE

OBAMA COMMITS ADDITIONAL 5K TROOPS TO COMBAT RUSH LIMBAUGH SHOW

NATION DISTRACTED FROM PENDING APOCALYPSE BY MICHELLE OBAMA'S LEGS

POLITICIANS TO BE PROTECTED FROM NAZI PROTESTERS WITH NEW 'TOWN HALLS BY TEXT MESSAGING' FORMAT

OBAMA ASKS CLINTON TO EXPLAIN 'HILLARY 2012' BUMPER STICKERS SPILLING FROM HER BRIEF CASE

MAN TOTES M1A1 ABRAMS TANK TO TOWN HALL MEETING

OBAMA DROPS PUBLIC DEATH CAMPS FROM HEALTHCARE PROPOSAL

Y.E. YANG WINS KLCI 106.1 FM RADIO CONTEST FOR SPOT AT PGA CHAMPIONSHIP, BEATS TIGER

WEATHER CHANNEL PLANS HOUR-LONG 'ANA: THE STORM THAT MAY OR MAY NOT ANNIHILATE FLORIDA AND KILL MANY'

MICHAEL VICK APOLOGIZES FOR FREUDIAN 'I'LL KILL YOU DOG' SMACK-TALK TO OPPOSING TEAM MEMBER

40 YEARS AFTER WOODSTOCK, ATTENDEES STRUGGLE TO REMEMBER MUSIC FESTIVAL

JOHN EDWARDS ADMITS TO CLINTONING MISTRESS, FATHERING CHILD

JOHN EDWARDS ADMITS TO CLINTONING MISTRESS, FATHERING CHILD

EMBARRASSED GEORGE HAMILTON TURNS ORANGEY-RED

REPORT: 7 OF 10 CARS CURRENTLY ON SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA HIGHWAYS ARE BEING CHASED BY COPS

GOP PAYS RECORD SALARY, BENEFITS, AND 401K TO TOWN HALL RABBLE-ROUSER

NAZI MOBSTERS BRUTALLY ATTACK CONGRESSMAN WITH VISCIOUS REQUEST TO RECONSIDER HEALTHCARE VOTE

PELOSI: RADICAL UN-AMERICAN TERRORISTS ARE ATTEMPTING TO QUESTION CONGRESS IN TOWN HALLS

WHITE HOUSE REVISES OUTLOOK: ECONOMY 'NOT NEARLY AS GOOD AS OUR WORST-CASE SCENARIOS'

CELEBS STOCKPILE 'PICK-ME-UPS' AND 'TAKE-ME-DOWNS' IN ADVANCE OF MJ AUTOPSY RESULTS

AUTO DEALER DENIES AREA MAN'S 'CASH FOR CLUNKER WIFE' REQUEST

WHITE HOUSE: PROTESTS AGAINST HEALTHCARE BILL PROVES 'JUST HOW MANY SICK PEOPLE ARE OUT THERE'

RUSSIAN SUBS LURKING IN NYC SEWER SYSTEM 'TOOK WRONG TURN' DURING ATLANTIC TRAINING EXCERCISE

OBAMA SHARES BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION WITH 146 YR OLD HELEN THOMAS

FREED FEMALE JOURNALISTS REQUEST CHAPERONE FOR CLINTON MEETING

KIM JONG IL ADVISORS WARN OF PUBLIC BACKLASH AFTER 'ASSOCIATING WITH THE LIKES OF BILL CLINTON'

OBAMA DEFENDS 'SPENDING MONEY TO SAVE MONEY', CITES PONZI, MADOFF, BOOKIE BEHIND 7-11 DUMPSTER

JON & KATE BEER SUMMIT ENDS IN SCREAM CONTEST, BROKEN BOTTLES AND A BLACK EYE