HELEN THOMAS: 'IF SADDAM HUSSEIN RUNS FOR PRESIDENT, I'LL TREAT MYSELF TO A CAKE AND SOME SPA TIME'

NASA INSISTS THAT ADDING PARACHUTES TO ASTRONAUT DRESS CODE IS 'MERELY FOR FASHION'S SAKE'

AL GORE REMOVES ALL TRACES OF SELF FROM CURRENT TV, SAYS MOVE WILL 'HELP RATINGS'

NASA: FEATHER ALSO FELL FROM EXTERNAL SHUTTLE TANK; 'HUGE GASH' FOUND IN SHUTTLE'S TITANIUM SIDE

NEW YORK TIMES BREAKING: FIFTH ROBERTS' TYPO FOUND

NASA: SHUTTLE FALLING APART ON TAKEOFF 'PROBABLY WON'T BE A PROBLEM WE HOPE'

GROUNDSWELL OF SUPPORT FOR CHENEY PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDACY AFTER HELEN THOMAS SUICIDE THREAT

IRA ENDS ARMED CAMPAIGN, SAYS IT WILL BEGIN SPAM EMAILING

INSULATING FOAM FALLS FROM UNDERSIDE OF TED KENNEDY, SENATOR GROUNDED 'INDEFINITELY'

ASTRONAUT COMES CLEAN: 'FALLING DEBRIS' WAS CIGARETTE BUTT THROWN FROM WINDOW OF SHUTTLE

CLINTONS ACCEPT SUITOR'S DOWRY OF 40 GOATS AND 20 COWS FOR CHELSEA

4% OF NASA ANNUAL BUDGET DIVERTED TO DRAIN ATLANTIC IN ATTEMPT TO FIND SHUTTLE DEBRIS

FEDERALIST SOCIETY'S 'OBSESSION WITH CONSTITUTIONAL VALUES' DISQUALIFIES ROBERTS FOR SUPREME COURT

NEWLY MODERATE SEN. CLINTON ADVISES ENGLAND TO 'RETALIATE NICELY'

LIBERALS: PROFILING 'ARAB MEN WHO HAVE ATTENDED TERRORIST SCHOOL' IS DISCRIMINATORY, RACIST

AMERICA'S LANCE ARMSTRONG MAKING A FOOL OF FRANCE AGAIN

LONDONERS PROTECTED BY ARMED POLICE FOR A CHANGE

SUPREME COURT VACANCY UPDATE: DEMOCRATS CRITICIZE BUSH FOR NOT PICKING LIBERAL NUT JOB

VALERIE PLAME MISSING; SEARCH OF MAGAZINE COVERS UNDER WAY

DEMS REACH CHINA WHILE 'DIGGING FOR DIRT' ON ROBERTS

BUSH NOMINATION OF WHITE MALE TO HIGH COURT ANGERS O.J. SUPPORTERS

MONKEY-HUMAN HYBRIDS OFFER VOTER BASE EXPANSION POSSIBILITIES FOR DEMOCRATIC PARTY

NEW YORK TIMES LEAKS SUPREME COURT CHOICES TO BUSH

BOOKSTORE LINES GROW FOR AUG 2006 RELEASE OF NEXT HARRY POTTER BOOK

SEX-FEST 'WEDDING CRASHERS' STARRING SEN. JOHN McCAIN ROCKS BOX OFFICE

TECH INDUSTRY SCRAMBLES TO FIX Y10K PROGRAMMING BUGS

KARL ROVE CALLS FOR BUSH RESIGNATION

REHNQUIST TO HOSPITAL STAFF: 'I SURE HOPE YOU ALL ARE RESPECTERS OF THE CONSTITUTION'

SEN. CLINTON BRUSHES OFF RUMORS OF WORLD DOMINATION PLANS

PIECE OF CRAP WINS PRESTIGIOUS CONTEMPORARY ART AWARD

LONDON TERRORIST ATTACKS SUCK WIND OUT OF TOM CRUISE CRAZINESS NEWS

REHNQUIST RESIGNATION DELAYED UNTIL CHIEF JUSTICE IS 100% VESTED IN 401K

PARIS REJECTED FOR 2012 OLYMPICS DUE TO 'LARGE NUMBERS OF FRENCH PEOPLE'

SHARK CAGES SELLING 'LIKE HOT CAKES' ALONG FLORIDA COAST

OUT-OF-TOUCH LIVE 8 PERFORMERS PROMISE TO DONATE $12,000 GIFT BASKETS TO 'KITCHEN HELP' AND 'OUR AFRICAN-COLORED UMBRELLA HOLDERS'

DEMOCRATS: WE'LL CONFIRM BUSH'S SUPREME COURT NOMINEE, AS LONG AS THEY'RE A CRAZY LIBERAL NUT JOB

ECONOMY: STARBUCKS COFFEE BREAKS $80/GALLON BARRIER

FOX NEWS SENDING MORE TROOPS TO ARUBA, SAYS IT WILL 'STAY THE COURSE'