APOLLO THEATER HOSTS AL SHARPTON'S MICHAEL JACKSON MEMORIAL TRIBUTE STARRING AL SHARPTON

FRANKEN TO SENATE, U.S. CONGRESS NOW OFFICIALLY A CRAPPY SNL SKIT

TROOPS PULLED FROM IRAQ FOR MICHAEL JACKSON LA FUNERAL DUTY

BLANKET USES FATHER'S TRAGIC DEATH TO ASK FOR NEW NAME

OBAMA PICKS CELEBRITY HEALTH CZAR, CITES RECENT 'CRISES'

INVESTIGATION REVEALS WHINING GOP HAD 'MORE THAN TEN MINUTES' TO READ SHORT 300 PAGE GREEN TAX BILL ON iPHONE KINDLE APPS

BERNIE MADOFF SENTENCED TO WALK PALM BEACH STREETS UNARMED

MICHAEL JACKSON'S WILLED REQUEST TO BURY DEBT WITH HIM DENIED

BET AWARDS CENSOR COLLAPSES FROM EXHAUSTION

HOLLYWOOD ASKS OBAMA TO APPOINT 'A CZAR OF SOME SORT' TO PREVENT MORE CELEB DEATHS

ENERGY TAX BILL SLIPPED THROUGH HOUSE WHILE CONCERNED AMERICANS BREATHLESSLY AWAIT JACKO TOX RESULTS

OBAMA: IT'S TIME FOR THE NATION TO RETURN TO MOURNING MY LEGACY

NORTH KOREA USES MICHAEL JACKSON DIVERSION AS OPPORTUNITY TO ANNIHILATE HAWAII

MICHAEL JORDAN ALIVE AND WELL IN CHICAGO

MARK SANFORD PROMISES TO WEAR MONITORING BRACELET IF HE'S ALLOWED TO STILL BE GOVERNOR

SHAQ TRADED TO CAVS FOR BEN WALLACE AND SEASON TICKETS TO CAVS GAMES

RACY 'THREESOME' EMAILS REVEALED BETWEEN CHRIS MATTHEWS, KEITH OLBERMANN, AND OBAMA

OBAMA RESCINDS IRANIAN DIPLOMATS' INVITE TO SPECIAL OLYMPICS BOWL-A-THON AT WHITE HOUSE

SC GOVERNOR ADMITS TO CLINTONING ARGENTINIAN WOMAN

CNN CONFIRMS OBAMA-TO-AHMADINEJAD INBOX MESSAGE ON FACEBOOK

FOX NEWS' MAJOR GARRETT DISINVITED FROM OBAMA'S MEDIA SLUMBER PARTY

CRAIGSLIST INSISTS IT SHED 'MOST OF THE MASS MURDERERS' ON ITS SITE

OBAMA MOVES JOURNALISTS FROM ROSE GARDEN TO 'MORE FAMILIAR' WHITE HOUSE JACUZZI FOR PRESSER

OBAMA SCHEDULED TO ATTEND TELEPROMPTER'S ROSE GARDEN SPEECH

'JON & KATE PLUS 8'-OBSESSED HAWAIIANS 'DON'T HAVE TIME TO WORRY ABOUT' PENDING NUCLEAR ANNIHILATION

NORTH KOREA DELAYS NUKE ATTACK ON HAWAII; CITES NEED FOR SPOOL OF TWINE, BIC LIGHTER

ARROGANT CHRIS BROWN REFUSES TO PLEAD 'NOT A MAN, GUILTY OF BEING A TOTAL ASS'

OBAMA MULLS OVAL OFFICE REALITY SHOW TO PULL RATINGS OUT OF TOILET

HONOLULU LOCAL POLICE ASK WHITE HOUSE FOR PERMISSION TO ANNIHILATE NORTH KOREA

TIGER WOODS BUYS COMPANIES EMPLOYING DRUNKEN U.S. OPEN HECKLERS, FIRES THEM

MOON ROVER EXPECTED TO DELIVER PHOTOSHOPPED PROOF OF U.S. MOON LANDINGS

JIMMY CARTER TO OBAMA: 'YOU'RE WORSE THAN I WAS, AND AM'

JOHN McCAIN SWIMS OUT TO INTERCEPT NORTH KOREAN SHIP

OBAMA CAUTIONS U.S. NAVY AGAINST 'MEDDLING IN NORTH KOREA'S NUCLEAR EFFORTS'

AYATOLLAH KHAMENEI CALLS IRANIAN ELECTION 'DEFINITIVE VICTORY', SAYS PERSONALLY COUNTED VOTES BEFORE SPEECH

MICHAEL MOORE HIJACKED BY SOMALI PIRATES, SAILED TO DEEP WATER BERTH AFTER RANSOM DEMAND

OBAMA ASKS U.N. SECURITY COUNCIL TO TAKE HARDER STANCE ON FOX NEWS

WAL-MART CREATING ITS OWN CIVILIAN DEFENSE FORCE ON NATIONALIZATION FEARS

IRANIAN MULLAHS THREATEN TO 'UNPLUG EVERY ELECTRIC INTERNET MACHINE AND TWITTER BOX'

SPRAWLING ADDITION TO ROBERT GIBBS' OFFICE TO HOUSE NY TIMES EDITORIAL STAFF

MEDIA BARRED FROM OBAMA'S IRAN COMMENTS

CARTER NARROWLY ESCAPES ROADSIDE BEARHUG EMBRACE FROM HAMAS MILITANTS

AMERICANS DISTRACTED FROM SLIDE INTO OBLIVION BY NEW MICHELLE OBAMA DRESS

AHMADINEJAD AGREES TO PERSONALLY RECOUNT VOTES IN CONTESTED IRANIAN ELECTION

BROKE CA OFFERS TO THROW PARTY FOR LAKERS AT L.A. JACK IN THE BOX

WHITE HOUSE: IRAN, NORTH KOREA WILL JOIN U.S. IN 'AXIS OF EVOLVING CONCERNS'

FANS CELEBRATE LAKERS' CHAMPIONSHIP BY BURNING DOWN, BOMBING, LOOTING L.A.

WHITE HOUSE: IF U.S. LEVELS PYONYANG DURING SEC. CLINTON'S TRIP THERE, IT WILL BE AN INNOCENT ERROR

TEHRAN SHOPS BURN AS FURIOUS IRANIANS PROTEST PRO-KOBE REF CONSPIRACY IN NBA FINALS

FORMER U.S. PEANUT FARMER JIMMY CARTER CERTIFIES AHMADINEJAD 'WIN' IN IRANIAN ELECTION

CZAR APPOINTMENT CZAR MULLS NEED FOR TOBACCO CZAR

FIJI INSISTS ITS NUCLEAR RESEARCH EFFORTS ARE STRICTLY FOR WORLD DOMINATION

LETTERMAN: 'STUFFY' PALIN CAN'T TAKE JOKE ABOUT RAPED DAUGHTER

WHO DECLARES PANDEMIC, SAYS NO REASON FOR CONCERN OVER 'DEATH AND DESTRUCTION THAT WILL UNDOUBTEDLY FOLLOW'

STRUGGLING BOSTON GLOBE TO PAY EMPLOYEES IN FREE BOSTON GLOBE SUBSCRIPTIONS

LACKLUSTER OPENING EXPECTED FOR DOW ON FEARS THAT DOW MAY HAVE DOWN DAY

EXPERT: PARACHUTE PANTS COMEBACK MAY REINVIGORATE ECONOMY, PULL U.S. OUT OF RECESSION

WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY GIBBS REPLACED BY 'MORE COMPETENT' RANDY FROM 'MY NAME IS EARL'

NEW iPHONE 3GS APP CAN EFFECTIVELY FACILITATE PEACE IN THE MIDEAST

ALL TIES, BELTS, ROPES REMOVED FROM 'DEPRESSED' ORLANDO AFTER GAME 2 LOSS IN NBA FINALS

OBAMA SPEECH CANCELLED AFTER TELEPROMPTER ENGINE SEIZES UP

NEW QUICK-WEIGHT-LOSS DIET ALLOWS CELEBS TO GAIN HUNDREDS, MAKE QUICKER COMEBACKS

LOTTERY WINNER DESTITUTE AFTER $10 MILLION JACKPOT, 'CRAZY' NIGHT AT STRIP CLUB

OBAMA BOOSTS EMPLOYMENT BY EMPLOYING UNEMPLOYMENT CZAR

WHITE HOUSE BUTLERS RELIEVED ARAB WORLD DECLINES OBAMA'S INVITATION TO WATCH NBA FINALS AT WHITE HOUSE

OBAMA: IRAN 'HAS A RIGHT' TO ANNIHILATE ISRAEL FOR ITS ENERGY NEEDS

MAGIC WIN SCRIMMAGE AGAINST CARDBOARD CUTOUT KOBES 268-0

OBAMA APOLOGIZES TO ARABS FOR 'THOSE REDNECKS WHO WHINED' ABOUT SAUDI BOW

OBAMA TO CHAVEZ: PLEASE STOP 'LIKE'-ING EVERY ONE OF MY FACEBOOK STATUSES

OBAMA: IRAN HAS A RIGHT TO NUCLEAR POWER-TIPPED WARHEADS

TIME TRAVELER REPORTS 2013 PROGRESS IN THIRD GM-OBAMA WAR

SURI CRUISE ABANDONS SCIENTOLOGY AFTER LEARNING OF FREAKY ALIEN WARLORD GOD