LINE OF HUNDREDS 'GROWING RESTLESS' WAITING IN LINE AT TIMES SQUARE PORT-A-POTTY

MILLIONS SET TO PRETEND THEY ACTUALLY LIKE CHAMPAGNE

EARLIEST TIME ZONE IN NEW ZEALAND REPORTS THAT 2009 IS 'PRETTY BAD, BUT COULD BE WORSE'

PRESIDENT BUSH TO ENTERTAIN CAROLINE KENNEDY'S REQUEST FOR PUBLIC SPEAKING TIPS

BLAGOJEVICH TO HOLD 'CLOSED PRESS CONFERENCE' BEHIND DUMPSTER AT LOCAL 7-11 TO NAME SUCCESSOR TO OBAMA SENATE SEAT

McCAIN'S PRESIDENTIAL AMBITIONS DASHED AGAIN AFTER NAILBITER MOOSE LODGE ELECTION

ISRAEL LAUNCHES ALL-OUT WAR AGAINST HAMAS, U.N. CRITICISM

CHRISTMAS DELAYED AFTER IRAN REVOKES SANTA FLYOVER RIGHTS

SANTA'S COAL SUPPLY STRETCHED THIN AFTER CONVOY OF SHIPS DEPART NORTH POLE TO DELIVER BLAGO'S CHRISTMAS GIFT

CNN PLANS 4 HOUR 'DAY BEFORE KWANZAA' SPECIAL ON DEC. 25

OBAMA: 'I WON'T PLACE BLAME, BUT THIS GEORGE W. BUSH ECONOMY WILL TAKE YEARS TO RECOVER FROM'

AUTOMAKERS BURN THROUGH CASH OFFERED BY BUSH IN THIS MORNING'S PRESS CONFERENCE

NYC MAYOR ADDS HOLIDAY GIFT EXCHANGES TO LIST OF 'TAXABLE TRANSACTIONS'

BUSH'S SHOE ATTACKER APOLOGIZES; ASKS FOR PARDON, SHOES BACK

 

BLAGOJEVICH ATTEMPTS TO AVOID 'THE HASSLE OF PRISON' BY APPOINTING SELF TO SENATE

 

PENTAGON REPORTS FOUR MORE DEATHS IN BRATZ-BARBIES WAR

TIME MAG SHOCKS MOST, MAKES OBAMA 'UNLIKELY' PERSON OF YEAR PICK

FEDS THROW 'ANOTHER BAZILLION OR SO' AT ECONOMIC CRISIS

BERNARD MADOFF SENTENCED TO 'FREEDOM ON THE STREETS OF PALM BEACH FOR A FEW HOURS OR SO'

McCAIN REMOVED FROM CONSIDERATION TO HEAD PALIN 2012 EXPLORATORY COMMITTEE

OBAMA SUGGESTS PLAYING LOTTERY TO 'HOPEFULLY' OFFSET PERSONAL FINANCIAL WOES

OBAMA DENIES BUSH SHOE ATTACKER ON SHORT LIST FOR CABINET POSITION

AL GORE CANCELS GLOBAL WARMING SPEECH DUE TO 'UNBEARABLY FREEZING TEMPERATURES' AGAIN

CARTER MASTERMINDS BREAKTHROUGH PEACE-BREAKING DEAL BETWEEN HAMAS AND NEIGHBORING 'ZIONIST REGIME'

MSNBC TO COVER BUSH SHOE ATTACK INCIDENT TO NEW EXTENDED 26-HR A DAY FORMAT

ENTRENCHED ILLINOIS NUT JOB EYES REELECTION, FORMS EXPLORATORY COMMITTEE

FLORIDA'S GOVERNOR CRIST MARRIES FEMALE

 

NUMBER OF PEOPLE CELEBRATING KWAANZA UP 12 SINCE 2007

AUTOMAKER CEOS APOLOGIZE FOR 'ASSUMING THE BAILOUT WOULD BE APPROVED', SAY THEY ALREADY SPENT IT

ILLINOIS GOV PROMPTS MORE 'CRAZY NUT JOB' CHARGES BY OFFERING TO DISCOUNT SENATE SEAT 'BY FIFTY PERCENT'

BLAGOJEVICH'S APPROVAL RATING AMONG DEMOCRATS PLUMMETS TO 85%

LAYOFF CONCERNS SKYROCKET AT AREA COMPANY AFTER RECEPTION AREA MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTIONS NOT RENEWED

EMBATTLED ILLINOIS GOV PINS HOPES ON HEADS-UP SIDEWALK PENNY

OPRAH APPROACHES SLIM FAST WITH BAILOUT REQUEST

ILLINOIS GOV WON'T RESIGN, SAYS INCRIMINATING FBI TAPES 'WERE PHOTOSHOPPED'

FEDS ARREST ILLINOIS GOV, YANK OBAMA SENATE SEAT OFF eBAY

AL FRANKEN OFFERS TO BUY OBAMA'S SENATE SEAT 'IF THE DEAL IS STILL ON THE TABLE'

MALL SANTA 'SCARED TO DEATH' AFTER HOLIDAY GREETING FROM BEARDED TODDLER

OBAMA DAMPENS LOFTY EXPECTATIONS WITH WARNING THAT ARMEGEDDON 'IS PROBABLY JUST AROUND THE CORNER'

AL FRANKEN: VOTERS SHOULDN'T BE DISENFRANCHISED 'JUST FOR MISPLACING THESE 300 BALLOTS UNDER MY SOFA CUSHIONS'

COMPANIES DITCH 'GO GREEN' EFFORTS FOR MORE RELEVANT 'TRY TO GO BLACK' CAMPAIGNS

PENDING OBAMA PRESIDENCY BAILS OUT FLOUNDERING FIREARM INDUSTRY

O.J. PROMISES MIAMI BEACH PARTY CROWD HE'LL RESUME SEARCH FOR NICOLE'S KILLER 'IN 15-30 YEARS'

EXPERT: EUPHORIA OVER O.J. SENTENCE MAY ECLIPSE HOLIDAY JOY

OLD NAVY DECORATES STORES TO CELEBRATE 'CHANUKAH, KWAANZA, AND OTHER HOLIDAYS THAT MIGHT EXIST IN THE MONTH OF DECEMBER'

 

LOCAL MAN ASKS CONGRESS FOR $82.13 BAILOUT PACKAGE TO HELP HIM 'SURVIVE THE WEEK'

CHRYSLER CEO LAUGHS OFF CRITICS, ASKS NASA TO LEND SPACE SHUTTLE FOR HIS TRIP TO D.C.

GM CHIEF DITCHES PRIVATE JET; WILL HAVE ASSEMBLY LINE WORKER PULL HIM IN RICKSHAW TO D.C.

OBAMA TO NOMINATE BILL RICHARDSON TO CABINET FOR SOME REASON

ROSIE O'DONNEL'S VARIETY SHOW DEAD AT AGE 0

DOW PLUMMETS TO LEVEL UNFORSEEN SINCE YESTERDAY

SOMALI PIRATES INSPIRE BUD LIGHT TRUCK HIJACKING TREND

AFTER LENGTHY BATTLE, TED TURNER LOSES LAST MARBLE