HILLARY CLINTON'S CLEAVAGE SURGES IN POLL

GLOBAL WARMING SPAWNS TROPICAL DEPRESSION SET TO BATTER NORTH POLE

FEMINISTS FAIL TO CRITICIZE HILLARY CLINTON FOR LETTING BOOBS HANG OUT IN SENATE CHAMBER

RELIEF AS GAS PRICES PLUMMET TO 3RD CENT DECREASE IN AS MANY WEEKS

 

BUSH MEETS NEW BRITISH PRIME MINISTER, PRETENDS TO LIKE HIM AS MUCH AS BLAIR

 

NASA IMPLEMENTS DESIGNATED DRIVER PROGRAM FOR SPACE SHUTTLE

DENNIS KUCINICH PUTS PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN ON HOLD TO ATTEND SAN FRAN COMIC BOOK CONVENTION

ROMNEY CRITICIZES OBAMA'S DESIRE TO BED TYRANNICAL DICTATORS, ENDORSES SEN. CLINTON

 

BUSH'S WARRANTLESS 'SPY PROGRAM' NETS PHILANDERING LIBRARIAN IN WICHITA

LINDSAY LOHAN'S PUBLICIST DIES FROM EXHAUSTION AT AGE 34

OBAMA BACKPEDALS, SAYS DISCUSSIONS WITH ANTI-AMERICAN TYRANTS 'MAY INCLUDE A LOT OF YELLING'

JOHN EDWARDS CLAIMS HE'S 'WOMAN ENOUGH' TO BE PRESIDENT

LINDSAY LOHAN ARRESTED DUI WITH COKE, HEROIN, METH AND POT AGAIN

TALKING SNOWMAN WINS YOUTUBE DEBATE

 

DENNIS KUCINICH REVEALS $75 NET WORTH DURING YOUTUBE DEBATE

DAVID AND VICTORIA BECKHAM APPROACH L.A. MARRIAGE LENGTH RECORD

REPORT: PENTAGON USING WAR ON TERROR AS RECRUITING TOOL

CUBA FINALLY GETS NEWS OF MOON LANDING

 

NY TIMES RETRACTS HARRY POTTER LEAK AFTER REALIZATION THAT NATIONAL DEFENSE WASN'T COMPROMISED

 

DEMS FEAR CHENEY PLANS TO COLONIZE MORE OIL-RICH COUNTRIES DURING BUSH COLONOSCOPY

BUSH RECESSION EXPLODES TO RECORD HIGHS

BUSH KNOCKS NATIONAL INTELLIGENCE ESTIMATE FOR FAILING TO IDENTIFY 'INCREASING THREAT FROM CONGRESS'

BUSH ENDORSES CREATION OF PALESTINIAN TERRORIST STATE

AL QUEDA MILITANTS EXHAUSTED AFTER LATE-NIGHT TACTICS DEBATE

'NONE OF THE ABOVE' GAINS IN GOP POLLS, MAYOR GUILIANI CLOSE SECOND

HILLARY DENIES KNOWLEDGE OF JUANITA BRODDERICK AND 'THAT GUY' BILL CLINTON

DEMS ATTRIBUTE RECENT DOW SURGE TO ECONOMIC POLICIES OF CARTER, CLINTON ADMINS

JOHN McCAIN BOUNCES CHECK DRAWN TO PAY FOR AD IN THE THRIFTY NICKEL CLASSIFIEDS MAG

REMAINING McCAIN STAFF MEMBER INSISTS RAMEN-NOODLE-ONLY DIET WAS HIS CHOICE

 

SOCCER FAILS TO GO MAINSTREAM IN U.S. DESPITE ARRIVAL OF POSH SPICE

 

DENNIS KUCINICH ENRAGED AT CLINTON-EDWARDS PLAN TO BAR 'INSIGNIFICANT LOSERS' FROM PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES

SIZE OF BECKHAMS ARRIVAL HYPE NEARS MICHAEL MOORE WEIGHT LEVELS

McCAIN DENIES MONEY WOES, SAYS CARPOOLING ON BICYCLES IS 'MY STAFF'S CONTRIBUTION TO ENVIRONMENT CARE'

 

CNN: CLINTON ECONOMIC POLICIES EFFECT 300 POINT DOW GAIN

 

NEWS OF PENDING AL QUEDA DOOMSDAY ATTACK INTERFERES WITH PARIS HILTON MAKEOVER COVERAGE

SEN. CLINTON CLAIMS MOTHER CHOSE NAME 'AFTER SIR EDMUND HILLARY AND HER SUMMITTED EVEREST TOGETHER'

 

LIVE EARTH SUCCEEDS IN RAISING AWARENESS OF PRIVATE JET EXHAUST IMPACT

ROBERT KENNEDY JR. SUGGESTS DEATH PENALTY FOR 'TRAITORS' LIMBAUGH, HANNITY, BECK

VATICAN: JESUS CHRIST 'WOUNDED' BY PROTESTANTS' REFUSAL TO WORSHIP POPE

 

SEN. McCAIN DENIES ELECTION BID IS ON THE ROCKS; SAYS 'A LOT OF CAMPAIGNS FILE RESTRAINING ORDERS AGAINST THEIR CANDIDATE'

UNSEASONABLE SNOW INTERRUPTS GLOBAL WARMING EVENT AGAIN

MADONNA DITCHES TRENDY KARBALA RELIGION TO PRACTICE 'ALGOREISM'

LIVE EARTH CONCERT VIEWERSHIP DWARFED BY M.A.S.H. RE-RUNS

JOHN EDWARDS BEAUTY SALON COSTS NEAR BILL CLINTON HUSH MONEY LEVELS

TIGER WOOD'S NEW BODYBUILDER PHYSIQUE ADVERSELY AFFECTING GOLF SKILLS

BOEING'S NEW JET TO CARRY RECORD NUMBER OF POTENTIAL TERROR VICTIMS

NETWORKS ON HIGH ALERT AS IMUS AMASSES TROOPS AT THE BORDER

DENNIS KUCINICH CELEBRATES 100TH SUPPORTER, NOT EXCLUDING CAMPAIGN STAFF, FAMILY, FRIEND

APPLE WARNS OF 'POSSIBLE, BUT MINOR' THIRD DEGREE BURNS AND HEAD INJURIES FROM iPHONE USE

GORE RELIEVED THAT WESTERN HEAT WAVE ISN'T RECORD COLD FRONT AGAIN

CNN INTERRUPTS iPHONE COVERAGE TO DECRY 'LACK OF REAL NEWS'

HILLARY CLINTON'S MYSPACE PAGE FULL OF POSTS FROM SUPPORTERS THAT THINK SHE KNOWS SHE HAS A MYSPACE PAGE

 

DENNIS KUCINICH BOTHERED BY BUSH'S BLOOD-FOR-OIL IRAQ STRATEGY

 

SEN. EDWARDS MULLS $500 HEAD SHAVE TO ESCAPE PRICEY HAIRCUT CONTROVERSY

iPHONE OWNERS FINDING INNOVATIVE WAYS TO SHOWCASE iPHONE OWNERSHIP

MEDIOCRE INCREASE IN MOSQUE MEMBERSHIPS HAILED AS 'A SUCCESS IN THE WAR ON TERROR'

L.A. REHAB CENTER FINED FOR SERVING ALCOHOL TO UNDERAGE LINDSAY LOHAN