STOCKS DIVE ON MIDEAST UNREST, GLENN BECK MONOLOGUE FEARS

NASA SET TO ANNOUNCE BURIAL ARRANGEMENTS FOR SPACE SHUTTLE

HOMELESS GUY WALKING PAST CBS HEADQUARTERS TAPPED TO ANCHOR 'EVENING NEWS'

SEN. BOEHNER TO PUSH FOR ANOTHER $18 IN BUDGET CUTS

U.S. TAXPAYERS ENCOURAGED AFTER CONGRESS COMMITS $75.48 TO PURCHASE OF DAVE RAMSEY 'FINANCIAL PEACE' DVDS

TIGER REFLECTS ON CHALLENGES OF AUGUSTA AND LEGACY BEING TORCHED IN INFERNO OF PERKINS WAITRESSES AND HOOKERS

BUDDHA NOT ANSWERING TIGER'S PRAYER THAT MASTERS' LEADERS START PLAYING CRAPPY

GODADDY.COM LOSES PETA.ORG DOMAIN REGISTRATION AFTER BRUTAL ELEPHANT SLAYING

AMERICANS ANXIOUSLY AWAITING GOV SHUTDOWN SO THEY CAN GET ON WITH REBUILDING LIVES

POLL: MAJORITY OF OBAMA VOTERS THINK GEORGE W. BUSH OR HILLARY CLINTON IS 'STILL THE PRESIDENT'

TRUMP NOW LEADS GOP HOPEFULS AFTER SUCCESSFUL TRIP TO LIBYA TO OUST QADDAFI

OBAMA: 'I REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO LIVE LIKE YOU PEOPLE'

U.S. POISED TO REBOUND INSTANTANEOUSLY FROM RECESSION IF WORTHLESS GOVERNMENT SHUTS DOWN

AMERICA ATTACKED BY OBAMA RE-ELECTION STATEMENT

DESPERATE TIGER CAVES ON TRYING STUPID MAGNETIC BRACELET IN PURSUIT OF MASTERS WIN

DOZENS INVEST IN OPPORTUNITY TO BOO SHEEN ON FAILING ROAD SHOW

CHARLIE SHEEN REPORTEDLY STILL ALIVE

NEW POLAR PANELS TO CONVERT ABNORMALLY COOL CLIMATE TO ENERGY

OBAMA AIMS TO RECONNECT WITH COMMON FOLK WITH BYOB STATE DINNER

HOME T-SHIRT PRINTING PRESSES NOT MAKING ANY MONEY FOR THOUSANDS OF WOULD-BE ENTREPRENEURS

CHEVY VOLT NOW ELLIGIBLE FOR CASH FOR CLUNKERS PROGRAM

U.S. POPULACE COLLECTIVELY DE-FRIENDS OBAMA

NATION SHIFTS WEIGHT UNEASILY DURING OBAMA'S MID-SPEECH ARGUMENT WITH TELEPROMPTER

OBAMA TO ADDRESS NATION ON 'NEW WARS AND RUMORS OF WARS'

MICKEY ROONEY OPTS FOR LABORIOUS CAREER REVIVAL OVER PEACEFUL PASSING IN THE NIGHT

CBS TAPS NYC MOB TO MANAGE COURIC UNEMPLOYMENT PROJECT

SYRIA SET TO BECOME THIRD OR FOURTH IN OBAMA'S WAR COLLECTION

OBAMA CLARIFIES LIBYAN MISSION IN EYE LINER ON KRISPIE KREME NAPKIN

EXPLORATORY COMMITTEE FORMED TO FIND MISSING SOCK

RUBBER BAND BALL PROJECT ENDS UP NOT BEING MONEY-MAKER FOR UNEMPLOYED LOSER

WAR PREP CAUSES WHITE FLAG SHORTAGE IN FRANCE

DEATH OF THREE-NEIGHBORHOOD NEWSPAPER DELIVERY ROUTE MAGNATE ECLIPSED BY PASSING OF FILM ACTRESS ELIZABETH TAYLOR

OBAMA CUTS VACATION SHORT AS U.S. IS KINDA SORTA AT WAR

LATEST ELIZABETH TAYLOR DEATH RUMOR APPEARS TO BE GRIMLY TRUE

NEW YORK TIMES PASSES ON PICS OF OBAMA TORTURING LIBYAN PRISONERS OF WAR

CONGRESS RECONVENES IN D.C. TO FINALLY GET TO WORK ON CONGRESSIONAL PAY RAISE

WARMONGERING WHITE HOUSE TO FOLLOW LIBYA WITH INVASION OF BERMUDA

NEWS FROM JAPAN INTERRUPTS FINALIZATION OF OBAMA'S FINAL FOUR PICKS

DAVID BLAINE STILL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT CRISS ANGEL LUXOR LEVITATION

BURGER KING TO FINALLY DITCH CRAPPY FRIES FOR ONES MORE LIKE McDONALDS'

CHARLIE SHEEN MARKS 100TH 'TIGER'S BLOOD' TEE SALE WITH WEEK-LONG HEROIN BINGE

WHITE HOUSE CAREFULLY COACHING BIDEN ON NEXT WEEK'S ONE-WORD STATEMENT ON LIVE MIC

OBAMA EXTENDS 'DEEPEST CONDOLENCES' TO JAPAN FROM NINTH TEE

NORTON'S NEW ANTIVIRUS INCLUDES FEATURE TO STOP SHEENWARE

DONALD TRUMP COMPLETES DAVE RAMSEY'S 'BABY STEP 27', NOW HAS $750 MILLION EMERGENCY FUND

NEW 290-PROOF DRINKABLE GASOLINE MAKES PRICE REASONABLE TO RAGING ALCOHOLICS

GEORGE W. BUSH PRODUCES ALIBI IN ADVANCE OF WHITE HOUSE PRESSER ON JAPANESE QUAKE

MSNBC HIRES CHARLIE SHEEN; PROMOTES AS 'STABLE, MORE INTELLIGENT AND SANE KEITH OLBERMANN'

'SAY NO TO CHARLIE SHEEN'S DRUGS' CAMPAIGN UNVEILED IN FIVE CITIES

REPORT: OBAMA TO BOMB LIBYA WITH NOBEL PEACE PRIZES

STUXNET II TARGETS IRANIAN NUKE SITES, CHARLIE SHEEN TWITTER ACCOUNT

'WINNING' SHEEN SUFFERING FROM EMERGENCY ROOM WITHDRAWAL

SHEEN KIDS SENT TO LIBYA FOR 'MORE KID-FRIENDLY' ENVIRONMENT

OPRAH'S OBVIOUS WEIGHT GAIN WOWS OSCARS

OLBERMANN APPLIES TO MEDICAL MARIJUANA SCHOOL

NESCAFE SALES SURGE ON GADDAFI REVELATION THAT BIN LADED IS ADDING HALLUCINOGENS

MIAMI BANKS OFFER PHAT LIQUIDATION-PRICED CONDOS TO OUSTED MIDEAST DESPOTS

WHITE HOUSE: INCOHERENT LIBYA RESPONSE DUE TO FAULTY TELEPROMPTER APP

LINDSAY LOHAN HAVING DIFFICULTY ADAPTING TO LIFE OUTSIDE PRISON

OBAMA OFFERS GADDAFI TELEPROMPTER FOR RAMBLING MONOLOGUES

WHITE HOUSE EXPRESSES 'DEEP CONCERN' OVER MAKING STATEMENT ON LIBYAN BLOODBATH

WISCONSIN UNIONS CLAIM CONSTRUCTION OF MONEY-PRINTING PRESS IS FOR 'PEACEFUL PURPOSES ONLY'

GADDAFI GRANTED ASYLUM IN RAHM EMANUEL'S MAYORAL CABINET

INSPIRED BY MIDEAST, WEST VIRGINIAN HOUSEWIFE STARTS OWN REVOLUTION AGAINST FAMILY

CHIRPING CRICKETS HIRED TO GIVE WHITE HOUSE STATEMENT ON LIBYAN UNREST

CLINTON OKAYS IRANIAN WARSHIPS TO PASS THROUGH STATE OF ISRAEL

CHINA OFFERS TO FUND TANKS FOR WISCONSIN REVOLUTION

WISCONSIN UNIONS ENERGIZED BY MEDIA SUPERSTAR JESSE JACKSON

CONCERNS VOICED OVER GOOGLE LOGO ON WHITE HOUSE FACADE

REINCARNATED L. RON HUBBARD FOUND SINGING IN MORMON TABERNACLE CHOIR

MIDEAST TENSIONS APPROACH 2026 LEVELS

ADVANCED LEVELS OF SCIENTOLOGY STILL NO MATCH FOR KIRSTIE ALLEY'S MASSIVE APPETITE

FACEBOOK UNVEILS 'AUTOMATIC ANNOYING FRIEND DE-FRIENDER'

TEHRAN UNVEILS CIA PLOT TO INSTALL OBAMA CLONE TO NEUTER IRAN

LADY ANTEBELLUM WINS VINYL RECORD OF THE YEAR

CHRISTINA AGUILERA ACCIDENTALLY SINGS MISTAKE-FREE GRAMMY SOLO

NEW SPACE-SAVING KEYBOARD DITCHES RARELY-USED LETTER 'Z'

OPRAH EXCLUSIVE: OBAMA CHANNELS RAMSES II FOR EGYPT POLICY

EGYPTIAN ARMY ORDERED TO STOP LAUGHING AT OBAMA, RESTORE ORDER

CIA DIRECTOR PANETTA CITES 'STRONG LIKELIHOOD THAT MUBARAK MAY STEP BACK UP THIS EVENING'

MUBARAK STEPS DOWN, HANDS PRESIDENTIAL POWER OVER TO CARDBOARD CUTOUT OF MUBARAK

LINDSAY LOHAN HELD ON DRUNKEN GRAND THEFT AUTO WRECKLESS DRIVING JEWELRY HEIST ASSAULT CHARGE

GUY IN JAR JAR BINKS COSTUME STILL WONDERING WHY AMERICAN IDOL JUDGES DIDN'T APPRECIATE HIS AWESOME VOICE

MUBARAKCARE PROMISED TO APPEASE ANGRY EGYPTIANS

REHABBED SHEEN PLANS RETURN TO MULTI-DAY BENDERING

INSTIGATOR JOHN BOEHNER CHAIN-SMOKING IN FRONT OF OBAMA

DETROIT REQUESTS FEDERAL AID: PLEAS FOR OBAMA VACATION

FDA TO INVESTIGATE OBAMA SMOKES FOR HALLUCINOGENS

CURRENT TV'S 93% NORTH KOREAN VIEWERSHIP APPLAUDS OLBERMANN ADDITION

L.A. LAKERS FANS WONDERING WHY GREEN BAY HASN'T BEEN BURNED DOWN YET

BRETT FAVRE: 'I'M BACK, PLEASE?'

RITZ CRACKERS' SUPER BOWL PIZZA HUT PREGAME SHOW SPONSORED BY NABISCO AND SOME OTHER CORPORATION FEATURES NON-STOP KEITH URBAN NOISE

OBAMA RELEASES FOREIGN AID PLA, PROMISES MORE OVERSEAS VACATIONS

WHITE HOUSE DEFENDS TAXPAYER-FUNDED 45 MINUTE OBAMACARE COMMERCIAL FOR SUPERBOWL

OBAMA DUMPS MUBARAK, BLAMES EGYPTIAN SAND TRAPS

WHITE HOUSE IGNORES AMERICANS' CALL FOR QUICK AND PEACEFUL TRANSFER OF POWER IN WHITE HOUSE

MIDEAST UNREST INTERRUPTS OBAMA'S LASERLIKE FOCUS ON DECREASING EMPLOYMENT

ACORN BOASTS SHOVEL-READY PROJECT: CHICAGO CEMETARIES CULLED FOR VOTERS

EGYPTIAN VP PROMISES TO FIX NEW ELECTIONS

WHITE HOUSE: OBAMA PREPARED TO BOW TO 'WHOEVER EMERGES AS THE NEW OR EXISTING EGYPTIAN RULER'

GROUPON'S NEW 105% OFF DEAL A BIG HIT

PIANO ON SANDBAR IS WELCOME DISTRACTION TO EGYPTIAN UNREST, DEATH AND DESTRUCTION

AFTER SUPER-LAME PARTY IN HOSPITAL ROOM, CHARLIE SHEEN RUSHED TO HIS HOUSE

RAHM EMANUEL'S MOB PALS: 'LET US TAKE CARE OF THIS CHICAGO THING'

MAJORITY OF VIEWERS THOUGHT OF FUNNY PELOSI GAVEL VIDEO DURING BOEHNER INTRODUCTION

UNKNOWN CONGRESSMAN HOLD IMPORTANT 3 SECOND SUMMIT WITH OBAMA DURING STATE OF THE UNION WALK-IN

TACO BELL SETTLES, WILL CALL TACO FILLING 'MEATISH SUBSTANCE'

BARNEY FRANK DENIED REQUEST TO BRING 14 YR OLD CONGRESSIONAL PAGE TO STATE OF THE UNION DATE NIGHT

OBAMA PROMISES 2016 RELEASE OF UNPHOTOSHOPPED BIRTH CERTIFICATE

NORTH KOREAN STATE-RUN MEDIA: 24-HR LOOPS OF 'BEST OF OLBERMANN' BETTER THAN NO OLBERMANN AT ALL

SEXTING FAVRE FALLS INTO MALL FOUNTAIN, BECOMES YOUTUBE SENSATION

FBI HOPING TO SURPRISE MORE MOB MEMBERS WITH ARREST TOMORROW

HU ASKS TO SIT IN OBAMA THRONE AT STATE DINNER 'SINCE HE PAID FOR IT'

NFL HALTIME COMMENTS DROWNED OUT BY VOLUME OF JIMMIE JOHNSON'S TIE

BIN LADEN FOUND MANAGING MIAMI BEACH JUICE & JAVA

POLICE DETAIN FOX NEWS, TALK RADIO ON TIP THAT ANOTHER MASSACRE WAS IN WORKS

'KENNEDYS' MINISERIES THREATENS FAMILY'S PRISTINE IMAGE

JOHN HINCKLEY JR. STILL TRYING TO IMPRESS JODIE FOSTER WITH NUMBER OF PULLUPS, CRUNCHES

JOHN EDWARDS DENIES PROPOSING TO REILLE HUNTER AT ELIZABETH EDWARD'S FUNERAL

SOME CELEBRITY DID SOMETHING STUPID THAT EVERYONE WILL PAY TOO MUCH ATTENTION TO, MEDIA REPORTS

HUNDREDS OF DEAD OBAMA AGENDA INITIATIVES FOUND ON SENATE FLOOR

ORANGE JOHN BOEHNER SWORN IN AS FIRST COLORED SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE

WHITE HOUSE STAFF SHAKEUP MIXUP ENDS WITH ACCIDENTAL REPLACEMENT OF OBAMA

OBAMA RECEIVES HUGE $1,000 CHECK FROM COUNTRY CLUB FOR 1000TH ROUND OF GOLF

DEATH OF THOUSANDS OF BIRDS GIVES ORNITHOLOGICAL ARMAGEDDONITES SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT

ILLUMINATED BALL DROPPING PROMPTS EVACUATION OF TIMES SQUARE, SCRAMBLE OF F-18 FIGHTER JETS