NEW YEARS' REVELERS LOOKING FORWARD TO WELCOMING YEAR FILLED WITH LESS DEATH AND DESTRUCTION

MAN'S 'BLESSING IN DISGUISE' ENDS UP BEING HORRIBLE, TEN YEAR NIGHTMARE

OBAMA PROMISES AIRLINE PASSENGERS BEER SUMMIT WITH GOD TO VENT WEATHER DELAY RAGE

U.S. VOWS TO STOP INTERFERRING WITH IRAQ'S PLAN FOR ALL-OUT CIVIL WAR

OBAMA NAMES NEW ECONOMIC DESTROYER

THOUSANDS NOW HAVING THEIR MAIL DELIVERED TO NEW YORK AREA AIRPORTS

CHRISTMAS RECIPIENTS OF NEW P90secondsX ALREADY BACK TO COUCH

NORAD CONTINUES LYING ABOUT SANTA'S POSITION, EXISTENCE

DENNIS KUCINICH RAISES $14 IN HOPELESS 2012 BID FOR WHITE HOUSE

POLL: NUMBER OF LIBERALS WHO BELIEVE BETHLEHEM STAR MARKED OBAMA BIRTH DOWN FROM 2007

CHER AGREES TO DONATE POST-MORTEM SELF TO PLASTICS RECYCLING CENTER

REPORT: MORE FAMILIES CELEBRATING HOLIDAYS WITH INTERFAMILIAL BEER PONG COMPETITIONS

NEW SNOOPING PROGRAM PROOF THAT BUSH IS PULLING STRINGS OF PUPPET OBAMA ADMIN

WAL-MART GREETERS OFFER 'HAPPY CHANUKAH, KWAANZA, AND OTHER HOLIDAYS' GREETING

CHILDREN READING THIS DEVESTATED TO FIND OUT SANTA NOT REAL

CARMEN ELECTRA'S WEDDING PLANS BOGGED DOWN BY DIVORCE PAPERWORK

ROYAL CANADIAN MOUNTED POLICE MOVING ON TO FASTER, MORE MODERN HORSES

GLOBAL WARMING ALARMIST PROVIDES MUCH-NEEDED HOT AIR DURING FLORIDA'S SUB-ARCTIC FREEZE

HOLLYWOOD CHARITY CONCERT FOR NEW YORK TIMES RAISES AWARENESS OF PAPER'S PLIGHT

CRISS ANGEL CLEANS OUT LAS VEGAS CASINOS, VANISHES

OPRAH DENIES LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP WITH LOVER GAYLE

NEW MONOPOLY GAME BOARD INCORPORATES PHONE FEATURE TO COMPETE WITH iPHONE

CONGRESS SET TO VOTE ON 'EVERYONE LEFT BEHIND' BILL

FED CHIEF CAUTIONS U.S. CITIZENS AGAINST HYSTERICALLY HOARDING FOOD SUPPLIES YET

MILLIONS OF CHILDREN PREPARE TO CELEBRATE BIRTH OF SANTA CLAUS

CROATIA BUYS U.S. IN KILLER CYBER MONDAY DEAL

TSA GROPERS IN MASS EXODUS AFTER PELOSI COMMERCIAL FLIGHT ANNOUNCEMENT

HOMELAND SECURITY MOVES THREAT LEVEL TO RED ON POSSIBILITY OF BRISTOL PALIN DANCE WIN

TSA AGENT DEFENDS GROPING OF SUSPECTED TERRORIST PAMELA ANDERSON

OBAMA TO DEVOTE JANUARY, FEBRUARY TO DAILY BEER SUMMITS WITH AIRPORT GATE-RAPE VICTIMS

TSA TO OFFER MORNING AFTER PILLS TO PAT-DOWN VICTIMS

WHITE HOUSE PRESSROOM SECURITY TO START TSA-STYLE GROPING FOR FOX NEWS CREDENTIALS

BARNEY FRANK LASHES OUT AT TSA FOR AGENT'S FAILURE TO GROPE HIM

DEMOCRATS DEMAND ELECTORAL COLLEGE BE USED IN BRISTOL PALIN DANCE CONTEST

DISGUISED OBAMA ASKS FOR BUSH BOOK AUTOGRAPH, ADVICE ON BEING PRESIDENT

LADY GAGA TO OPEN FOR OBAMA'S STATE OF UNION ADDRESS IN ATTEMPT TO IMPROVE RATINGS

BILL CLINTON TAKES ON TSA GENITALIA GROPING ISSUE, SUBMITS EMPLOYMENT APPLICATION

OBAMA PAYS HOMAGE TO 'THIS GREAT COUNTRY AND THE CONTRIBUTIONS TO IT BY THE VETERANS OF INDONESIA'

PENTAGON: CALIFORNIA MISSILE 'MAY HAVE BEEN AN AIRPLANE, OR AN ATTEMPTED NUCLEAR ATTACK OR WHATEVER'

WHOLE FOODS MARKET FILES BANKRUPTCY IN WAKE OF 'TWINKIE DIET' CRAZE

OBAMA'S JAKARTA SPEECH SUCCESSFULLY STRENGTHENS AL QUEDA-ISLAMIC JIHAD RELATIONS

INDONESIAN 'BIRTHERS' QUESTION OBAMA'S KENYAN, U.S. BIRTHS

BUSH: 'DAMN RIGHT' ON DESIRE TO WATERBOARD KEITH OLBERMANN

EMBARRASSING U.S. FREE MARKET SYSTEM ENABLES 'HIDE YER WIFE, HIDE YER KIDS' GUY TO BUY BENZ

HAPLESS OBAMA REFERRING TO NEXT TWO YEARS AS 'MY SECOND TERM'

NEW 'IF YOU LIKE STARBUCKS, YOU'LL LOVE THIS CREAMER' CREAMER A HIT AT 7-11

OBAMA WHITE HOUSE APOLOGIZES FOR $200 MILLION INDIA TRIP BEING $74.23 OVER INDIA TRIP BUDGET

LEMONADE STAND PROPRIETORS RAISED ON BABY EINSTEIN EARNING 13% MORE THAN NON-BABY EINSTEINERS

GORE CONCEDES 2000 ELECTION TO FORMER PRESIDENT BUSH

CHRIS MATTHEWS REPORTS 'WARM, WET, TINKELING FEELING DOWN LEG'

BALLROOM FULL OF GRAYSON SUPPORTERS CLEAN UP VICTORY BALLOON, LEAVE IN CAB

BRICKS BEING PLUMBED FROM WEST WING TOILETS

DEMS MULL 'OBAMA, AMERICA'S MULLIGAN' FOR 2012 CAMPAIGN THEME

COOL ECONOMIST URGES PEOPLE TO HEDGE AGAINST ECONOMIC COLLAPSE BY INVESTING IN GOLDSCHLAGER

SEN. REID PROMISES FREE FOOD, BEER, CONDOMS, CANDY AND CRACKERS AT VOTER TURNOUT EVENTS

TOM CRUISE DEMOTED TO SCIENTOLOGY'S LEVEL SIX FOR DOG-EARRING PAGE IN DIANETICS

NEW IT GUY HOPES REBOOT FIXES PROBLEM

DEMS FACING ESCALATING OPPOSITION FROM GOP, TEA PARTIERS, PEOPLE THAT LEARN ABOUT THEM

ALAN GRAYSON PUT OFF BY OPPONENT'S VICIOUS 'GRAYSON-LIKE' ADS

REPORT: HOUSING CRISIS HITTING UNEMPLOYED FORECLOSURE VICTIMS THE HARDEST

POLICE DOG DITCHES NARCOTICS UNIT GIG TO FOLLOW 'FRAGRANT' KID ROCK WORLD TOUR

NEWARK, NJ SCHOOL CHILDREN ENJOYING 'BLINGED OUT' BUSES AFTER ZUCKERBERG GIFT

U.S. DEMOCRATIC PARTY TO BORROW CHILEAN RESCUE CONTRAPTION FOR USE ON CONGRESSIONAL RACES

GARAGE TECHIE FINDS SMOKING POT MORE FUN THAN FOUNDING NEXT GOOGLE

MAJORITY OF ATTENDEES VOTE 'NOT PRESENT' AT OBAMA RALLY

CHILEAN PRESIDENT DELIVERS STRANGE TELEPROMPTERLESS SPEECH FROM THE HEART

MARRIED MINER WITH NEWLY-DISCOVERED MISTRESS OPTS TO STAY IN CHILEAN MINE

CLINTON ADMITS 2012 PRESIDENTIAL AMBITIONS, SAYS CONSIDERING OBAMA FOR VP ROLE

OBAMA STREAKER WAS 'PREPARING IN ADVANCE FOR IRS ANAL PROBE'

WHITE HOUSE TELEPROMPTER CREW TO SPEND ALL-NIGHTER PREPPING CANDID OBAMA STATEMENT FOR PRESSER

NASA: SPACE DEBRIS IN DANGER OF COLLISION WITH OUTER EDGE OF U.S. DEFICIT

BLOOMBERG BACKS IMAM'S PLAN TO BUY FREEDOM TOWER FOR NEW MOSQUE LOCATION

GORE, BIN LADEN COLLABORATE ON NEW AUDIO RECORDING THREAT AGAINST U.S.

$50 MILLION LOTTERY WINNER SAYS ECONOMY 'DOING AWESOME'

RICH GLENN BECK CONSOLIDATES EFFORTS, BUILDS BUNKER OUT OF GOLD

NEW ROUND OF WHITE HOUSE RESIGNATIONS INCLUDES GIBBS, BIDEN, OBAMA

SCIENTISTS DISCOVER NEARBY SOCIALIST COUNTRY THAT MAY SUPPORT LIFE

FLOUNDERING OBAMA ENDORSES LONGER SCHOOL YEAR, NOW LOSES SUPPORT OF CHILDREN

TWITTER OUTAGE DURING GLEE PROMPTS RIOTING IN MAJOR CITIES

SEN. FEINGOLD 'TOO BUSY' IN GARAGE TO ATTEND OBAMA-HOSTED FUNDRAISER IN FEINGOLD LIVING ROOM

JEOPARDY WINNER RUBBING IT IN EVERYONE'S FACE

TELEPROMPTER TYPO HAS SASHA PASSING FATHER WRONG SALAD DRESSING

GOOGLE TO CUT COSTS BY ANNIHILATING CITIES IT HASN'T YET STREET-VIEWED

OIL PRICES SET TO SPIKE IF ISRAEL ATTACKS U.N.

BLACKBERRY MAKERS WORRIED THEIR NEW TABLET MIGHT BE CRAP COMPARED TO APPLE'S

BARNEY FRANK SPLITS WITH OBAMA ADMIN OVER PROPOSED BAN ON FATTY FOODS

CLINTON ARRESTED IN JERUSALEM AMID TEMPLE MOUNT CLASH WITH ISRAELIS

REPUBLICANS' 'PLEDGE TO AMERICA' INCLUDES FORCED RETIREMENT OF SEN. McCAIN

OBAMA INITIATES THIRD WAR AGAINST WOODWARD BOOK

OBAMA DISMISSES REPORT THAT MAJORITY OF DEMS WANT BUSH BACK

POLLSTER: NEW RATING SYSTEM NEEDED TO ACCOMMODATE SUB-ZERO OBAMA APPROVAL

RALLY TO END ALL MOCK RALLIES PLANNED FOR NATION'S CAPITAL

REPORT: OFFICERS SUCCESSFULLY WRAP UP LINDSEY LOHAN'S DAILY ARREST

U.S. MULLS RAISING RETIREMENT AGE TO 115

NEW '25 HOUR ENERGY' TO MAKE AMERICANS MORE PRODUCTIVE, REGAIN SUPERPOWER STATUS

RAHM EMANUEL TO 'DRAIN THE SWAMP' OF REMAINING HONEST CHICAGO POLITICOS

SCANDINAVIA'S CONFUSING HOMELAND SECURITY WARNING SYSTEM RAISED TO 'TURQOISE AND A HALF'

DEMOCRATS ALREADY PLANNING 'TAKE OUR COUNTRY BACK' CAMPAIGN AGAINST OBAMA'S INEVITABLE REPUBLICAN SUCCESSOR

'CLINTON FOR CHANGE IN 2012' CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS DISCOVERED IN STATE DEPARTMENT CLOAKROOM

OBAMA ADVISED NOT TO WEAR PALESTINIAN KEFFIYEH DURING MIDEAST PEACE TALKS

GOD STANDS BY STEPHEN HAWKING DESPITE PERSONAL ATTACKS

NETANYAHU HOPES ISRAEL CAN MAKE PEACE WITH ABBAS, OBAMA

CARDBOARD CUTOUT AT OVAL OFFICE DESK FAILS TO MASK OBAMA'S VACATION ABSENCE

OBAMA PLEDGES TO 'NOT CONGRATULATE MYSELF FOR MY IRAQ VICTORY' IN OVAL OFFICE SPEECH

CNN ESTIMATES 'TENS OF PEOPLE' ATTENDED BECK RALLY

MSNBC: MAJORITY OF AMERICANS FAIL TO SHOW UP TO GLENN BECK EVENT

SEAN HANNITY LIES IN GREETING NOT-SO-GOOD AMERICAN

FED CHAIRMAN ADVISES NATION TO CALMLY LINE UP TO EXIT STOCK MARKET

WHITE HOUSE ADMITS INTENTION WAS TO COMMENT ON OBAMA'S 'OBLIVIOUS CHRISTIANITY'

TIGER SHOOTS 65 AT BARCLAYS, PLANS BI-WEEKLY DIVORCES IN BID TO IMPROVE SCORES

LINDSAY LOHAN DEPARTS REHAB FOR BAR ACROSS STREET

OBAMA LOBSTER AND CAVIAR OVERDOSE PROMPTS NEED FOR ANOTHER VACATION

WIKILEAKS TO PUBLISH OBAMA'S CHRISTIAN STREET CREDS

NORTH KOREA HOPES TO SECURE ITS RELEASE FROM CARTER VISIT

'MOTIVATED' OBAMA CHASES APPROVAL RATING ENJOYED BY MALWARE SPAMMERS

G.O.P. FAITHFUL PROPEL '100 PERCENT PRO-LIFE' CANDIDATE TO EASY WIN OVER 92.5 PERCENT PRO-LIFER

WEATHERMAN BLAMES WRONG PREDICTION ON CALCULATIONS NON-WEATHERPEOPLE CAN'T UNDERSTAND

OBAMA FEIGNS DISINTEREST AS MUSLIM CALL TO PRAYER RINGS OUT OVER GOLF COURSE

STUDY: AMERICAN DREAM TO OWN A JOB BECOMING ELUSIVE FOR MANY

WHITE HOUSE DENIES OBAMA BEING 'CONDESCENDING TO STUPID AMERICANS'

WHITE HOUSE QUIETLY CANCELS OBAMA'S THREE WEEK VACATION TO MECCA

CHRISTIAN OBAMA VOWS TO STOP SUPPORTING JIHADIST PROJECTS AT GROUND ZERO, PRAYING TO ALLAH

PELOSI CALLS FOR INVESTIGATION OF 9-11 VICTIMS IN MOSQUE FLAP

INTERNATIONAL LAW ENFORCEMENT EFFORTS BEING EXHAUSTED BY AROUND-THE-CLOCK GEORGE MICHAEL ARRESTS

OBAMA PLEDGES TO 'LAY OFF OF VACATIONS' FOR A FEW DAYS

OBAMA ENDORSES AL QUEDA TRAINING FACILITY FOR PENTAGON'S INTERIOR COURTYARD

DIAL MARKETS SUPER-EXPENSIVE BODY SOAP TO THE FILTHY RICH

TAXPAYER CURSES OUT PASSENGER, PULLS EMERGENCY CHUTE, SLIDES OFF AIR FORCE ONE

FEW FAMILY MEMBERS AND PAID 'FRIENDS' REMAIN ON SEN. RANGEL'S FACEBOOK FRIEND LIST

THREE TIGER MISTRESSES PASS HIM IN PGA RANKINGS

TIGER WOODS TO FIGHT MIKE TYSON IN PAY-PER-VIEW ATTEMPT TO REHAB SOILED IMAGE

MICHELLE OBAMA'S ENTOURAGE IN SPAIN FIND TAXPAYER-FUNDED BENTLEYS UNDER SEATS

PLUGGED WELL, LACK OF OIL IN GULF REPRESENTS THE 'WORST MISSED OPPORTUNITY FOR ENVIROMENTALISTS IN OUR HISTORY'

NEITHER OF COURIC'S VIEWER'S BOTHERED BY PALIN RIP

FAVRE RETIRING, CITES TIME NEEDED TO PONDER MOVE TO NEXT NFL TEAM

DESPERATE OBAMA HIGHLIGHTS ATTRACTIVE BOMB SHELTER MORTGAGE RATES

SEVEN YR OLD SAILOR'S SOLO CIRCUMNAVIGATION ATTEMPT FAILS IN PORT

WHITE HOUSE HR DEPT GETS NEW WAREHOUSE TO STORE OBAMA VACATION DAY REQUEST FORMS

OVERWHELMED SECRET SERVICE SUCCESSFULLY PROTECTED PREZ FROM JOY BEHAR ADVANCES

FED SPOKESMAN TOLD MENTION OF 'END OF THE WORLD' MAY SPOOK MARKETS

WIKILEAKS ASKS WHITE HOUSE TO STOP SENDING IN 'OBVIOUSLY-PHOTOSHOPPED' U.S. BITH CERTIFICATES FOR OBAMA

NEW MR. PRESIDENT POTATO HEAD TOY COMES WITH TELEPROMPTER, BLAME-POINTING FINGER

RIDICULOUSLY HUMONGOUS SINK HOLE OFFERS CAREER-ADVANCING PHOTO OP FOR AERIAL NEWS PHOTOGRAPHER

AREA MAN SICK OF THE ONION REPORTING ON EVERYTHING HE DOES

OFFICIALS: RELIEF WELL BEING DRILLED IN EFFORT TO STOP GUSHING MEL GIBSON RANTS

MILITARY DRONES TO MONITOR NOTE PASSERS IN PUBLIC SCHOOL CLASSROOMS

WHITE HOUSE HIGHLIGHTS OBAMA'S 'SOLID' 68% APPROVAL AMONG WHITE HOUSE STAFFERS

LINDSAY LOHAN ARRESTED FOR DRINKING IN SOLITARY CONFINEMENT

MEXICAN DRUG LORDS INVOLVED IN SOME REALLY MESSED UP STUFF

OBAMA NOT AMUSED BY 'BABY ON BOARD' WINDOW SIGN ON AIR FORCE ONE

OBAMA'S CZAR CZAR AXES PLAN TO CREATE 'UNECESSARY' CZAR CZAR CZAR POSITION

YANKS PAY TRIBUTE TO STEINBRENNER, FIRE A BUNCH OF PLAYERS, STAFFERS

SORKIN TO DIRECT JOHN EDWARDS HORROR FILM

EXHAUSTED FROM STRING OF VACATIONS, OBAMA TO UNWIND AT VACATION SPOT

PASSENGERS ANGERED OVER AIRLINES' NEW 'CRASH-FREE FLIGHT' FEE

LEVI JOHNSTON PROPOSES TO BRISTOL PALIN'S MONEY

BP WITHDRAWS 'ADMIT IT, YOU LOVE US' AD CAMPAIGN

OBAMA GETS GULF OIL SPILL FIX EPIPHANY ON 18TH TEE BOX, DOESN'T FINISH ROUND

MICHELLE OBAMA BRAVES HEAT TO THANK WORKERS FOR INSTALLING AIR CONDITIONED DOOR-TO-LIMO WALKING TUBE

NASA: SPACE STATION CLIPS OUTER EDGE OF LEBRON JAMES HYPE

NASA URGES 'UNDERSTANDING' IN ROADSIDE IED INCIDENT

EPA GROUNDS GULF SKIMMING OPERATION AFTER OIL RESIDUE FOUND ON SHIP HULL

A HORRENDOUS AMOUNT OF INCOMPETANCY STILL GUSHING IN WASHINGTON'S SEA OF RED TAPE

RACHEL MADDOW: 'KAGAN IS PRETTY. I MEAN PRETTY EFFECTIVE WITH HER ANSWERS AND ALL.'

GOV TURNS AWAY ARMADA OF NEW OIL VACS OVER EXPIRED LICENSE PLATE ON BARGE

OPRAH ON THE COVER OF HER STUPID MAGAZINE AGAIN

SECRETARY OF STATE CLINTON CALLS HILLARY CLINTON 2012 PRESIDENTIAL EXPLORATORY COMMITTEE 'ONLY A FORMALITY'

REFLEX BOW TO G8 LEADER REVEALS, RIPS OBAMA'S ANTI-BOW CORSET

G8 LEADERS MARVEL AS OBAMA'S PORTABLE GOLF COURSE ASSEMBLED IN TORONTO

BILL CLINTON 'DISGUSTED' BY 'MORALLY BANKRUPT' GORE

GORE: 'HOT, STEAMY POLICE REPORTS ABOUT ME CONTRIBUTE TO GLOBAL WARMING'

GUY FINDS IPHONE 5 PROTOTYPE AT LOS ANGELES BAR

OBAMA DIRECTS HOLDER TO FIND LAWSUIT TARGET IN McCRYSTAL DISASTER

OBAMA DUBS AL QUEDA, NORTH KOREA, IRAN 'AXIS OF POTENTIAL ALLIES'

SECRET SERVICE STOPS McCHRYSTAL'S M1 ABRAMS TANK AT OVAL OFFICE DOOR

OBAMA ON BP DISASTER: I'LL WORK TIRELESSLY UNTIL THIS COMMUNITY IS ORGANIZED

SERBIA ANNIHILATES GERMANY IN BRUTAL 1-0 WORLD CUP BLOODBATH

BP CEO HAYWARD'S COOL BRITISH ACCENT FAILS TO SOOTHE RABID LAWMAKERS

RASMUSSEN LATEST: SOME GUY STRONGLY APPROVES OF OBAMA

LURID DETAILS OF GORE'S STEAMY RELATIONSHIP WITH MOTHER EARTH EMERGE

BP DETAILS PLAN TO 'PUT SOME KIND OF THING ON OR IN THE OCEAN TO TRY TO MAKE THE OIL FLOW NOT AS BAD WE HOPE'

OBAMA SUGGESTS BEER SUMMIT WITH MILLIONS OF WORLD CUP HORN-BLOWERS

NEWS ORGS KEEP MISTAKENLY RUNNING LARRY KING OBITS

FORMER PRESIDENT BUSH EXCITED TO NOW BE ON 'THE GOOGLE'S NEW SOFTWARE SYSTEM, FACEBOOKS'

JONATHAN EDWARDS LOSES BID TO BECOME ASSISTANT TO CITY COUNCILMAN'S ASSISTANT

NEW HELEN THOMAS MSNBC SHOW ECLIPSES RACHEL MADDOW WITH 173 VIEWERS ON FIRST NIGHT

AMERICANS FRAZZLED BY OBAMA'S 'YOU'RE GOING DOWN - YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE' FACEBOOK STATUS

APPLE'S CHIEF OF WWDC WI-FI CONNECTIVITY FOUND IN SILICON VALLEY LANDFILL

VISCIOUS ANTI-SEMITE HELEN THOMAS TO START REHABBING HER REPUTATION AS A REGULAR ANTI-SEMITE

IRAN OFFERS TO NUKE U.S. IN EFFORT TO PLUG GOLF OIL LEAK

BP LAUNCHES FL AD CAMPAIGN PROMOTING HAWAIIAN BEACHES

OBAMA LAUNCHES 'FIRST PERSON TO PLUG THE PIPE GETS BP' CONTEST

ARMANDO GALARRAGA UMP GETS SECRET SERVICE PROTECTION

BP EXEC SORRY HE OPTED FOR COOL 'IMA BP EXEC' VANITY PLATE

EXPERT: TODAY'S HELEN THOMAS TV APPEARANCE PROVES SHE'S STILL ALIVE

POTHEAD WHISTLEBLOWER FINALLY TELLS FEDS DEEPWATER HORIZON PLATFORM UNSAFE

BP HIRES JAMES CAMERON TO STOP OIL LEAK, MAKE DISASTER MOVIE

POTHEADS GREET LIBERAL MEDICAL MARIJUANA LAWS WITH CLAIMS OF AILMENTS, ALLEGED INFIRMITIES

BP READYING LAST-DITCH 'HOPE AND CHANGE' STRATEGY FOR GUSHING WELL

MEDIA NEARLY MISSES OBAMA'S DRIVE-BY GULF VISIT

NEW PALIN FENCE BLOCKS CREEPY NEIGHBOR'S VIEW OF POOL, PLAYGROUND, RUSSIA

OBAMA TO VISIT GULF COAST IN PERSON; ADVISED THAT FAXED SUPPORT 'TOO IMPERSONAL'

BILL CLINTON: END OF WORLD IN 2012 MAY SOLVE EARTH'S UNSUSTAINABILITY PROBLEMS

U.S. ACCEPTS $2,600 ECONOMIC STIMULUS AID PACKAGE FROM COSTA RICA

VP BIDEN CELEBRATES THIRD CONSECUTIVE 'CATASTROPHIC GAFFE-FREE' DAY

GUY AT BAR CLAIMS BP IGNORING HIS 'KILLER PLAN' TO STOP OIL FLOW

VEGAS AUDIENCE: CARROT TOP'S FREAKY BENCH PRESS DEMO DISTRACTS FROM COMEDY ACT

POLICE: GUY SHOT OTHER GUY IN APPARENT ACT OF UNPLEASANTNESS

ERIC HOLDER ALREADY ON FOURTH PAGE OF TEN-PAGE ARIZONA IMMIGRATION BILL

NEW WATERPROOF TELEPROMPTER ALLOWS OBAMA TO SING, THINK OUT LOUD IN SHOWER

CHIEF WHITE HOUSE SPIN DOCTOR RESIGNS TO TAKE 'EASIER, SLOWER-PACED' JOB AS BP CLAIMS PROCESSOR

AMERICAN FLAG SHIRT-WEARING SIXTH GRADER EXECUTED AFTER SCHOOL LUNCH PRAYER

ENERGY PRICES PREDICTED TO REACH $100 PER BARREL OF GULF COAST SEAWATER BY FALL

BP SPRAYING ANTHRAX, CYANIDE, RAT POISON CONCOCTION TO CLEAN GULF BEACHES

BP RESORTS TO PLAN B, HOPES OIL WELL IS NEARING DRY

SUSPICIOUS AL GORE PEZ DISPENSER PROMPTS EVACUATION OF MANHATTAN

PICASSO PIECE SELLS FOR SOME STUPIDLY HIGH PRICE

DUDE CLICKS WRONG BUTTON AGAIN, NATION'S 401Ks SHED SEVERAL BAZILLION

ECONOMIST FORSEES U.S. JOBLESS RATE REACHING 110% BY 2012

FEDS MONITORING CAPITALIST TERRORISM IN GULF AND INVESTIGATING MAN-CAUSED DISASTER ATTEMPT IN TIMES SQUARE

ORLANDO MAGIC ACCEPT FORMAL CONCESSION FROM ATLANTA HAWKS ATTORNEY

GIANT MAGIC ERASER BEING CONSTRUCTED FOR QUICK AND EASY GULF CLEANUP

JANET NAPOLITANO: FEDS NABBED TIMES SQUARE 'TEA PARTY TYPE' FAISAL SHAHZAD

OBAMA BEGS GULF COAST RESIDENTS NOT TO HUDDLE UP IN SUPERDOME

SEX-DEPRIVED TIGER MISSES CUT AT QUAIL HOLLOW

LOS ANGELES TIMES SOLD TO HOMELESS MAN FOR CARDBOARD BOX TOP, THREADBARE CARDIGAN

OBAMA NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR CRITICIZED FOR HILARIOUS ANTI-SEMITIC JOKE THAT POKED FUN AT TALIBAN

NEW YORK TIMES RESERVING COLUMN IN CLASSIFIEDS FOR NOAH'S ARK STORY, IF VERIFIED BY U.N.

SHARPTON RALLIES ILLEGALS FOR SELMA MARCH

STEVE JOBS EXHAUSTED FROM 48 HOURS OF WATERBOARDING IPHONE 4G LOSER

EXHAUST FROM AL GORE SPEECH MISTAKEN FOR SPEWING ICELANDIC VOLCANO

OBAMA: 'I AM ONE HUNDRED PERCENT COMMITTED TO THE MISSION OF LYING TO NASA ABOUT ITS FUTURE"

CALIFORNIA TO TAX HOMELESS PANHANDLERS FOR MUCH NEEDED REVENUE

DUDE AT WAL-MART WEARING BLACK PANTS AND RED GOLF SHIRT NOT TIGER WOODS, STUDY SHOWS

AMERICAN IDOL PARENTS IGNORING INEVITABLE DRUGS, VIPER ROOM, AND SUICIDAL FUTURES OF THEIR MONEY MACHINES

MICROSOFT FALLS FLAT WITH NEW GASOLINE-POWERED TABLET

PEACE-LOVING RELIGION PRACTICIONER ALLEGEDLY PLOTTED TO CAUSE MAN-CAUSED DISASTER IN NYC SUBWAY

GREEDY BIG PHARMA TURNING ALLERGY MEDS PROFIT BY EXPLOITING POLLEN LEVELS

TIGER'S 'GET IN THE HOLE!' GUY FRUSTRATED BY LACK OF HOLES IN ONE

MAGIC MOB WHACKS TEEN THAT REVEALS COOL 'ILLUSION' ON YOUTUBE

CLAUSE ON PAGE 5,784 OF HEALTHCARE BILL MANDATES THE WATERBOARDING OF HEALTHCARE BILL CRITICS

TEEN TIRED OF GETTING MADE FUN OF IN DAD'S OBAMA-STICKERED ESCALADE

CREDIT CARD INDUSTRY WORRIES END OF WORLD MIGHT EAT INTO ITS PROFITS

OPRAH RUNS OUT OF POSES, SMILE CONFIGURATIONS FOR O MAG COVER

EXPERT: MEN TEND TO 'ENDURE CHICK FLICKS' IF THEY INCLUDE HOT CHICKS

CONCERT-GOERS SPAZZ AFTER ROCK STAR YELLS OUT NAME OF THEIR CITY

OBAMA CHANTS 'DRILL BABY, DRILL" WITH TINA FEY AT RALLY

ENCLAVE OF GEORGIANS SHOCKED TO FIND OUT CIVIL WAR IS OVER

TOM CRUISE'S MOBILE SCIENTOLOGY TEMPLE FREAKS OUT NEW LEADING LADY

RICKY MARTIN CLAIMS TO NOT HAVE BEEN OPENLY-GAY UNTIL NOW

GATORADE KEG FULL OF TOMATO SAUCE POURED ON LOSING COACH

STONERS FEAR OBAMACARE WEED WONT BE AS GNARLY AS CURRENT STASH

INVESTIGATORS REASSEMBLE WOOD-CHIPPERED PIECES OF MAN TO DETERMINE CAUSE OF DEATH

NEGLECTED WYOMING GETS SKYPED VISIT FROM PRESIDENT OBAMA

OBAMA PUSHES LENDERS TO DO AWAY WITH MORTGAGES AND OTHER ENCUMBRANCES TO HOMEOWNERS

AEROBICS INSTRUCTOR SECRETLY DISGUSTED BY ALL OF HER STUDENTS

POLL: IGNORANT REPUBLICANS DON'T WANT FREE HEALTHCARE FOR ALL

COKE TO INTRODUCE NON-LETHAL VERSION OF ITS FAMOUS COLA

TIGER WOODS GRANTS 5 SECOND INTERVIEW TO ESPN

KID ROCK ENJOYING INTENTIONAL OVERDOSE

UNDER-REGULATED CANDY INDUSTRY ACCUSED OF TARGETTING CHILDREN

GOV STUDY: HOMESCHOOLERS DELAYING SEX ED UNTIL 'TOO LATE' AGE 6

AMERICANS COMPLAIN STUPID HEALTHCARE NEWS INTERFERRING WITH MICHELLE 'BOMBSHELL' McGEE COVERAGE

HOMELESS SETTLEMENT IN MASTER BEDROOM RUINS HOUSE SALE

OBAMA SCOLDS SECRET SERVICE BODYGUARDS FOR NOT JUMPING IN FRONT OF FOXNEWS QUESTIONS

LEAK: KUCINICH OFFERED GLIMPSE OF ROSWELL ALIEN FOR HEALTHCARE VOTE

CONCLUSIVE REPORT CONFIRMING TUPAC'S DEATH QUESTIONED

NANCY PELOSI'S TANKS FLANK HAPLESS HEALTHCARE OPPONENTS

DESPERATE DEMS: 'ANTI-HEALTHCARE BACK-WAXERS WILL ATTACK YOUR GANDPARENTS NEXT'

EXPERT: AGING MADONNA WILL INEVITABLY BECOME LESS MANLY

DEPT OF LABOR CLAIMS JOB CREATED

BARNEY FRANK ETHICS PROBE NOW INCLUDES MISSING SHOWER CURTAINS IN HOUSE GYM

TRAVOLTA DITCHES SCIENTOLOGY, LEAVES CRUISE AS ONLY REMAINING NUT

HACKER REDIRECT OF NYTIMES.COM TO PRAVDA SITE DOESN'T CONFUSE VISITORS

WHITE HOUSE TO PROMOTE GLOBAL WARMING, CITES COLD WEATHER'S RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIGH UNEMPLOYMENT

INCREASE IN REPO MEN AND TAX COLLECTORS IMPROVES NATIONAL EMPLOYMENT STATS

WHITE HOUSE: UNEMPLOYMENT NUMBERS DISTORTED BY WISHFUL THINKING

NEW HEALTHCARE BILL INCLUDES DEATH PANELS FOR ITS CRITICS

PRESS BEGINS VETTING FORMER PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE JOHN EDWARDS

AL GORE RETURNS TO HIDING AFTER ADDRESSING GLOBAL WARMING CRITICS IN PRAVDA OP-ED

CELEBRITY BENEFIT CONCERT TO PROVIDE MUCH-NEEDED RELIEF TO U.S. MIDDLE CLASS

ROD BLAGOJEVICH STILL NOT IN JAIL FOR SOME REASON

WINTER OLYMPICS HAMPERED BY OVERLY-SNOWY CONDITIONS

LUCKY FORMER CEO SNAGS COVETED McD's FRIES JOB

DEMS PROVIDE HANNIBAL LECTER GURNEYS TO REPUBLICANS FOR HEALTHCARE SUMMIT

SHINY PLASTIC RIMS MAKE KIA OWNER LOOK FILTHY RICH

RACHEL MADDOW STRUGGLING TO INCREASE VIEWERSHIP BACK UP TO TRIPLE DIGITS

GOVERNOR SECRETLY HOPES PHILANDERING PRESENT DOESN'T CATCH UP TO OTHERS

NATION'S BANKS TEAM UP TO SHUT DOWN GOVERNMENT REGULATORS

PAULY SHORE MEETS WITH ADVISORS TO PLOT ANOTHER FAILED COMEBACK

TIGER WOODS RESERVES DAY AT 'SPARKY'S PUTT-PUTT, GO-CARTS & BALL PIT' TO EASE TRANSITION BACK INTO COMPETITIVE GOLF

ASTRONAUTS MISTOOK MEDIA LINE FOR TIGER PRESS CREDENTIALS FOR CHINA'S GREAT WALL

SELFISH OLYMPIANS CRITICIZED FOR OVERSHADOWING TIGER WOODS PRESS STATEMENT

JOHN EDWARDS CALLS PRESS CONFERENCE TO APOLOGIZE, ANNOUNCE RETURN TO LOSING POLITICAL ELECTIONS

CRAZY MAN GETS DANGEROUSLY CLOSE TO INSANE BIDEN AT OLYMPICS

TIGER WOODS TO ADMIT 'I DID HAVE SEX WITH THAT HUGE CROWD OF WOMEN' DURING FRIDAY PRESSER

DEADLIEST CATCH CONSIDERS FEATURING 'BRING YOUR DAUGHTER TO WORK DAY' TO BOOST RATINGS

SARAH PALIN DENIES McCAIN REQUEST FOR FUTURE VEEP TAP

SECOND PLACE OLYMPIAN RESOLVES TO FADE INTO OBLIVION

STUFFY RIGHT-WINGERS RUIN MOOD OF PRESIDENT'S DAY REENACTMENT OF OBAMA BIRTH

OBAMA HONORS 'NAVY CORPSEMAN'

DC GLOBAL WARMING PANEL CANCELS MEETING, DISCUSSES LACK OF SNOW BY PHONE

PALIN CRITICIZED FOR RELYING ON TELEPROMPTER HAND

RARE AL GORE SIGHTING TURNS OUT ONLY TO BE A COMMON SASQUATCH

WEST WING BURIED IN SNOW; GLOBAL WARMING MEETING MOVED TO WHITE HOUSE ROOF

TARGET CLAIMS TO BE 'VERSACE-ISH' ALTERNATIVE TO WAL-MART

IRS ACQUIRING PENCILS, SHOTGUNS, B-2 STEALTH BOMBERS FOR TAX-COLLECTING PROJECTS

MSNBC 2009 OPERATING LOSS ECLIPSES NATIONAL DEBT

TIMES SQUARE NATIONAL DEBT CLOCK MAINTENANCE GUY DIES FROM EXHAUSTION

GLOBAL WARMING CONTINUES TO IRONICALLY BLANKET SOUTH WITH ICE

CALIFORNIA ON THE BRINK: STATE BORROWS $8 FROM LEMONADE STAND KID TO SURVIVE THROUGH WEEKEND

U.S. TV VIEWERS OUTRAGED AS STATE OF UNION PREEMPTS COOL iPAD COMMERCIALS

TOYOTA TO OFFER FREE STUNT CRASH DRIVING TRAINING WITH VEHICLE PURCHASES

OBAMA'S TELEPROMPTER PREPARING FOR THE 'MOST IMPORTANT' SPEECH OF ITS PRESIDENCY

OBAMA EXPECTED TO SAY 'ERA OF RIDICULOUSLY HUMONGOUS GOVERNMENT IS UNFORTUNATELY ALMOST OVER' IN STATE OF UNION

WHITE HOUSE SPOKESLIBERALS: RECOVERY EFFORTS HAVE SAVED BETWEEN 'HUNDREDS' AND 'HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS' OF JOBS

BIN LADEN ELUDES CAPTURE AGAIN, HAND-DELIVERS LATEST TAPE DIRECTLY TO JANET NAPOLITANO

AIR AMERICA SUCCUMBS TO HOSTILE TAKEOVER BY LEMONADE STAND KID

TIGER WOODS PASSES SEX REHAB'S FINAL EXAM, SHOWS NO INTEREST IN CHICKS

IRRITATED GORE CAN NOW SEE EXPANDING POLAR ICE CAP FROM HIS HOUSE

SAN FRANCISCO COURTS RUSH LIMBAUGH FOR MAYOR SPOT

RACIST 'PANTS ON THE GROUND' HIT SINGLE SPARKS SHARPTON'S IRE

PELOSI: HEALTHCARE BILL WILL 'HAVE TO BE PRIED FROM MY CURRENTLY COLD, DEAD FINGERS'

MASS DEMS URGE CAUTION FOR REPUBLICAN VOTERS' OUT IN 'TODAY'S HORRIBLY DANGEROUS WEATHER'

DEMS URGE RECOUNT OF MASSACHUSETTS ELECTION; POLLS OPEN SOON

BILL CLINTON FINALLY VISITS SITE OF '93 WORLD TRADE CENTER BOMBING

HAITIANS REJECT ASSISTANCE OFFER FROM RAY NAGIN

DISASTER AID DONATIONS POURING INTO HAITI, MASSACHUSETTS

TIGER WOODS TO DONATE $3 MILLION TO AID HAITI, WOODS' IMAGE

BUSH, FEMA CRITICIZED FOR DELAYED HAITI EARTHQUAKE RESPONSE

LENO RESTORED TO TONIGHT SHOW; AMERICANS MULL SIMILAR ARRANGEMENT FOR BUSH, PRESIDENCY

WHITE HOUSE: HAITIAN QUAKE 'NOT ENTIRELY' BUSH'S FAULT

REPORT: GORE, TIGER HEADED TO WARMER CLIMATE

SEN. REID: 'SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS ARE CLEAN, ARTICULATE LIGHT-SKINNED NEGROE TYPES'

TMZ: BLURRY PHOTO CAPTURES TIGER, ELVIS, AND LOCH NESS MONSTER AT ORLANDO PERKINS

AL GORE LEAVES HIBERNATION TO WARN OF DANGEROUSLY EXPANDING POLAR ICECAP

MILLIONS OF UNEDUCATED PEOPLE WONDERING WHERE THE GLOBAL WARMING IS

IRANIAN HOMELAND SECURITY PUTS TERRORIST JOHN KERRY ON NO-FLY LIST

WHITE HOUSE EXPERT: BUSH STILL AT FAULT FOR A WHOLE MESS OF THINGS

NAPOLITANO ANNOUNCES 'A COMPREHENSIVE SECURITY PLAN' TO SECURE HER EMPLOYMENT