ASHTON KUTCHER TAKES TOP SPOT IN PEOPLE'S '25 MOST ELIGIBLE MARRIED MEN'

GIBBS: ADDRESSING WHITE HOUSE PRESS POOL AS 'FRIENDS, ALLIES AND CO-WORKERS' WAS 'A POOR CHOICE OF WORDS'

PHIL SPECTOR STILL SURPRISED 'I COULDN'T HAVE KILLED HER - I WAS GOING TO GET MY GUN' DEFENSE DIDN'T WORK

WITH NATION DISTRACTED BY NBA PLAYOFFS, OBAMA SWAPS OUT VICE PRESIDENTS

SUSAN BOYLE MAINTAINS THANKFULNESS FOR FAME IN INTERVIEW FROM INSANE ASYLUM

CASH-STRAPPED JAPAN ERECTS CHAIN LINK FENCE TO PROTECT AGAINST NORTH KOREAN MISSILE ATTACK

BANKRUPTCY LOOMS FOR LOCAL AUTO DEALERSHIP DESPITE STD RESEARCH FUNDING IN STIMULUS PACKAGE

MILLIONS OF IDIOTS NOT TAKING ADVANTAGE OF '$10K A MONTH FROM YOUR COUCH' OFFERS

TEXAS BECOMES THE WORLD'S TENTH NUCLEAR POWER

U.N. THREATENS NORTH KOREA WITH 'A CERTAIN DEGREE OF FRIENDLY CONCERN' IF NUKE EFFORTS CONTINUE

REAL ESTATE VALUES PLUMMET WITHIN RADIUS OF NORTH KOREAN LAUNCH PAD

MAGIC WIN GAME 7 AGAINST CLEVELAND IN SMOKE-FILLED BACKROOM DEAL

JUMP IN CONSUMER IGNORANCE SPARKS DOW SURGE

ANTI-HISPANIC REPUBLICAN QUESTIONS SOTOMAYOR'S REVERSE DISCRIMINATION OPINION

OBAMA NOMINATES SONIA SOTOMAYOR'S HISPANIC ETHNICITY TO U.S. SUPREME COURT

U.N. ISSUES STERN CONDEMNATION OF ISRAEL IN WAKE OF SECOND NORTH KOREAN ROCKET LAUNCH

NORTH KOREAN MISSILE THREATENS OBAMA PLAN TO APPEASE ROGUE DICTATOR

PRESIDENT OBAMA CELEBRATES MEMORIAL DAY WITH BEST-OF-ROUND QUADRUPLE BOGIE ON 16

U.S. MEDIA'S MEMORIAL DAY TRIBUTES ECLIPSED BY JON & KATE COVERAGE

BLANK MOVIE SCREEN ON SHORT LIST FOR TOP HONORS AT CANNES

OBAMA PRAISES 'THOSE FIGHTING IN THE MIDDLE EAST', THANKS U.S. TROOPS TOO

PELOSI: 'THIS SILLY CIA STUFF' IS DISTRACTING AMERICANS FROM BRISTOL PALIN, RUSH LIMBAUGH'S DESIRE FOR OBAMA TO FAIL

ADVISORS TALK OBAMA OUT OF NATIONALIZING THE NATION'S LEMONADE STANDS

LAWMAKERS GIVEN 600-PAGE CLIFF NOTES FOR CLIMATE BILL, 15 MINUTES TO READ

OBAMA GETTING ERROR MESSAGES WHILE TRYING TO UNINSTALL CHENEY 2.0

IRAQI INFORMATION MINISTER STILL CLAIMING SADDAM STILL IN POWER

CHENEY-OBAMA 'BATTLE OF THE SPEECHES' PAY-PER-VIEW NUMBERS SET RECORD

IDIOTS STILL GETTING INTEREST-ONLY MORTGAGES CONTRIBUTING TO 2021 DEPRESSION

NIGERIAN EMAIL SCAMMERS LEAPFROG OVER NANCY PELOSI ON PEOPLE'S '1,000 PEOPLE WE LIKE' LIST

RACHEL MADDOW NIXED FROM TOP COURT VACANCY SHORT LIST; OBAMA SAYS 'THAT GUY IS TOO CONSERVATIVE'

#tcot ... Thank you for following the best in Conservative-flavored satire on the web!

SECRET NSA GADGET REVEALS: ROSWELL DETAILS AND EXISTENCE OF SECRET NSA GADGET TO BE OUTED IN FUTURE BIDEN GAFFE

OBAMA INTERRUPTS HECKLER'S SPEECH WITH COMMENCEMENT DIATRIBE

BIDEN SUGGESTS TWO STATE SOLUTION FOR PAKISTAN, TALIBAN

WORLD HEALTH ORG RAISES STRESS ALERT TO ALL-TIME HIGH FOR CELTICS FANS

CONTROVERSY ESCALATES AFTER OBAMA SUGGESTS MOVING GUANTANAMO DETAINEES TO NOTRE DAME

SURGEON GENERAL: LIVING, BREATHING, EATING CAUSES CANCER

ASTRONAUTS IN SPACEWALK TO TACKLE SPACE SHUTTLE OIL AND TIMING BELT CHANGES

WHITE HOUSE EMPLOYS OXYCLEAN GUY TO PEDDLE HEALTHCARE REFORM TO IDIOT MASSES

BURGER KING SALES INCREASE DESPITE HORRIFYING PLASTIC-FACED BURGER KING

POLL: 87% OF REMAINING NY TIMES READERS THINK 'THE MIDWEST' IS FOREIGN COUNTRY

CRAZY PELOSI ACCUSES CIA OF LYING, CHALLENGES MIKE TYSON TO ALLEYWAY FIST FIGHT

118 YR OLD McCAIN MOTHER REPLACES 16 YR OLD McCAIN DAUGHTER AS DE FACTO GOP HEAD

KANYE WEST ENRAGED AT BEING SPOOFED ON TWITTER, SAYS 'HEADS OF TWITTER HATE BLACK PEOPLE'

NO RELEASE OF DETAINEE PHOTOS; OBAMA SAYS 'IT'S ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT THEY EXIST, AND THAT WE'RE HORRIBLE'

SALE OF PICKETT COUNTY, TENNESSEE'S 16 ANDOVER DR. HINTS AT NATION-WIDE HOUSING BUBBLE COMEBACK

OBAMA FORCES STARBUCKS-TO-FOLGERS CHANGE IN CHRYSLER'S BREAKROOMS

OBAMA HANDLERS TO WEAN PRESIDENT FROM TELEPROMPTER, GIVE IT TO HIM 'ONLY AT NIGHTTIME'

ROBERT GIBBS STUMBLES WHEN ASKED WHO THE WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY IS

ARAB STREET ENRAGED AFTER MISS SAUDI ARABIA 'SEMI NUDE' REVEALS UPPER CHEEKBONE, 'WAY TOO MUCH FOREHEAD'

OVAL OFFICE FIST BUMP CLAIMED TO BE WHITE HOUSE ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF NATIONAL DAY OF PRAYER

TREKKIES RISK EXTENDING BACHELORHOOD WITH FRENZIED PILGRIMAGE TO NEW STAR TREK FLICK

INVESTORS RELIEVED THAT BANKS ONLY NEED 'BILLIONS AND BILLIONS MORE' TO SURVIVE; DOW SOARS

PRICE OF OIL SKYROCKETS ON GOV'S NEW CAR HANDOUT

OBAMA CLAIMS 'NOT PHOTOSHOPPED' STAMP PROVES LEGITIMACY OF HIS THREE BIRTH CERTIFICATES

CITIGROUP SHARES DROP TO 3.15 KIDNEY BEANS

BOSTON GLOBE SCALES BACK TO TOWN CRIER, MYSPACE-ONLY WEB PRESENCE

ELIZABETH EDWARDS: 'JOHN SAID THE MEDICAL TECHNOLOGY TO DETERMINE PATERNITY WILL BE AVAILABLE SOME DAY'

TAXPAYERS SHOULDER OBAMA'S $650K AIRFORCE ONE FLIGHT TO LOCAL DC BURGER JOINT

AMERICAN COUCH POTATOES SEEM SOMEWHAT EXCITED TO BE FINALLY GETTING 'THEIR FAIR SHARE'

LESS HOT, MORE POLITICALLY-CORRECT CONTESTANT WINS ANOTHER BEAUTY PAGEANT

DOW TANKS AFTER OBAMA MENTIONS 'MORE I WANT TO ACCOMPLISH'

SWINE FLU MASK INDUSTRY MOGULS INSIST WORST IS YET TO COME

MARY MATALIN FINALLY DECKS JAMES CARVILLE

REAM OF COPY PAPER RESERVED FOR OBAMA'S GITMO PLAN RECEIVES PARTY LINE VOTE IN SENATE

AMBITIOUS NASA PLEDGES MAN ON THE SUN BY 5019

BUSH RELAXING POOLSIDE WITH VIRGIN DAIQUIRI, TAN-THRU FLU MASK

FLU MASK SALES SURGE DESPITE SWINE FLU PANDEMIC FEARS; OBAMA ECONOMIC ADVISORS STUMPED

112 YR OLD SEN. BYRD GIVEN A PASS FOR NOT EMBRACING TWITTER

DEMOCRATS SAY 'YES' TO SUPREME COURT NOMINEE, SAY THEY 'ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO FIND OUT WHO IT WILL BE'

SKIDDISH INVESTORS JUMPING OUT OF GOLD, INTO TAMIFLU

NY STATE TAX AUDITOR TAXES LIMBAUGH FOR MENTIONING NEW YORK

CONFUSED MIKE GRAVEL RE-LAUNCHES 2008 PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN

RECESSION FORCES McDONALDS TO REPLACE CHICKEN WITH "CHICKEN"