JOHN EDWARDS' MARRIAGE COUNSELING COSTS FOUND EMBEDDED IN STIMULUS PACKAGE

 

OBAMA INSISTS 'I WON' TO GOP LAWMAKERS OPPOSING OBAMA LOGO ON REDESIGNED AMERICAN FLAG

SUBWAY RESPONDS TO DECREASED CONSUMER SPENDING WITH $1 FIVE-FOOT-LONGS

BLAGO STATE SENATE PLEA INCLUDES WEIRD, BUT NOT SURPRISING DISAPPEARING HANDKERCHIEF TRICK

'A BILLION OR SO' EARMARKED TO BAIL OUT FAILED 'TRILLION OR SO' BANK BAILOUT PROGRAM

OBAMA REQUESTS SUMMARY OF RUSH LIMBAUGH RADIO PROGRAM BE INCLUDED IN DAILY THREAT ASSESSMENT

OBAMA TO RESTORE 'THE ENTIRETY OF CIVIL LIBERTIES REMOVED BY BUSH', WILL NOW ALLOW NAIL CLIPPERS ON PLANES

FROSTBITE SENDS AL GORE TO ARIZONA HOSPITAL, GLOBAL WARMING SPEECH CANCELLED

BLAGO CONTINUES MEDIA BLITZ, WILL NEXT APPEAR ON JERRY SPRINGER AND AMERICA'S MOST WANTED

AMERICANS TURN TO STEVEN KING NOVELS, HORROR MOVIES TO BUOY SPIRITS IN MIDST OF CRUMBLING ECONOMY

RELEASED GITMO DETAINEE BECOMES AL QUEDA COMMANDER, ASPIRES TO U.S. PRESIDENCY

 

OBAMA BRISTLES AT MEDIA 'PESTERING ME WITH QUESTIONS'

OBAMA PARDONS CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS, TRASH-DROPPING ATTENDEES FOR INAUGURAL MISDEEDS

OBAMA TO CLOSE GITMO, RELEASE DETAINEES INTO THE WILD

CAROLINE KENNEDY DROPS SENATE BID; SAYS 'IT'S FOR, YOU KNOW...PERSONAL, YOU KNOW...REASONS'

SECRET SERVICE: HILLARY CLINTON KEEPS ASKING ABOUT SECURITY DETAILS OF THOSE BEFORE HER IN PRESIDENTIAL LINE OF SUCCESSION

FLORIDIANS REPORT ENCOUNTERING 'COLD GLASS THAT BREAKS EASILY AND MELTS WHEN WARMED'

MICHAEL JACKSON LOSES TWO MORE BODY PARTS

GEORGE BUSH AT NEW TEXAS HOME, GETTING CAUGHT UP ON SEASON 4 OF 'LOST'

 

UNSUSPECTING OBAMA HALFWAY THROUGH TWELVE HOUR PARADE PRANK

 

CNN: 'YOUNG, ENERGETIC AND ANGELIC' OBAMA CURRENTLY STANDING, WAVING

 

SEN. HILLARY CLINTON FORMERLY CONCEDES DEMOCRATIC NOMINATION TO OBAMA, CLOSES REMAINING CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTER

CNN VOWS TO 'AVOID SOILING THE SPIRIT OF THE DAY', REMOVES DOW TICKER FROM HOMEPAGE

NATION APPARENTLY STILL TRYING TO GRASP CONCEPT OF MINORITY IN HIGH LEADERSHIP POSITION

MILLIONS DISMAYED AFTER OBAMA PRESIDENCY FAILS TO BRING HOPE, ANY CHANGE

BIDEN LIMITS GAFFES TO 7 DURING INAUGURATION CEREMONY

BIDEN RUINS MOMENT BY LETTING 'THIS ALL SHOULD BE FOR ME' SLIP IN FRONT OF OBAMA

MILLIONS IN D.C. TO WISH BUSH A PEACEFUL, HEALTHY, AND MUCH-DESERVED RETIREMENT

D.C. BRACES FOR HISTORIC INAUGURATION OF 'ONE OF ONLY SEVERAL' HALF-WHITE PRESIDENTS

COMMEMORATIVE COIN FEATUES OBAMA'S ALLEGED BIRTH STATE HAWAII

 

D.C. CROWDS, CHRIS MATTHEWS APPROACHING ORGASMIC CLIMAX IN ANTICIPATION OF OBAMA INAUGURATION

 

OBAMA NIXES PLAN TO ENTER INAUGURAL STAGE BY 'DESCENDING FROM HEAVEN WITH A SHOUT'

ORLANDO PUMMELED BY 55 DEGREE WINDCHILL

FEDS TOSS BANK OF AMERICA ANOTHER BAZILLION DOLLARS

NBC RESCINDS HUDSON RIVER PILOT'S 'HERO' STATUS AFTER CRAZY PRO-BUSH COMMENT

OBAMA TO REMOVE TROOPS FROM IRAQ, AFGHANISTAN, AND U.S. TRAINING CAMPS

AL SHARPTON RUSHES TO HUDSON CRASH SITE, JUMPS IN WATER FOR TV COVERAGE OPPORTUNITY

OBAMA CONSIDERS SWAPPING CIA DIRECTOR-SELECT PANETTA WITH 'TOUGHER, MORE MANLY' MICHAEL JACKSON

APPLE FOUNDER STEVE WOZNIAK STEPPING DOWN FROM DAY-TO-DAY OPERATIONS OF SILICON VALLEY 7-11

DOW JUMPS UP TO ONLY DOWN SEVERAL HUNDRED

OBAMA LANDS 78TH TIME MAGAZINE COVER

BACKGROUND NOISE ANALYSIS INDICATES BIN LADEN AUDIO WAS TAPED AT KABUL'S CHUCK E. CHEESE

OBAMA TO CLOSE 'INHUMANE' GITMO, MOVE DETAINEES TO RIKERS ISLAND GENERAL POPULATION

BAILOUT FUNDS OVERSIGHT AGENCY RUNS OUT OF MONEY

OBAMA CITES NEED TO DELAY CAMPAIGN PROMISES 'HOPE', 'CHANGE', AND 'YES WE CAN'

BERNIE MADOFF DENIED COMFORTS OF PRISON, WILL CONTINUE SUFFERING IN $7 MILLION NYC PENTHOUSE

OBAMA: ECONOMY MAY 'GET SO BAD, THE END OF THE WORLD MAY OCCUR WITHOUT NOTICE'

OBAMA ASKS FOR 'LOOSE CHANGE FROM UNDER ALL AMERICAN COUCH CUSHIONS' TO FUND $2 TRILLION STIMULUS PACKAGE

CHRYSLER SELLS CAR

 

TRAINING WHEELS BEING FITTED ON CIA FOR DIRECTOR-SELECT PANETTA

COVERAGE OF OPRAH WEIGHT BATTLES ECLIPSING NEWS OF ISRAELI-HAMAS WAR

HAMAS, U.S. MEDIA LAUNCH NEW ROUND OF ATTACKS ON ISRAEL

SOFT DRINK MAKERS TO BEGIN USING FIRST NON-LETHAL SUGAR ALTERNATIVE

OBAMA TAPS LEON PANETTA TO HEAD CIA, CARROT TOP TO RUN DEPARTMENT OF DEFENSE

 

LAWMAKERS CONSIDER PULLING TROOPS FROM IRAQ TO ASSIST WITH BLOCKING ROLAND BURRIS' ACCESS TO SENATE

ISRAEL LAUNCHES DEFENSIVE ATTACK ON HAMAS; FRANCE CONDEMNS, QUESTIONS CONCEPT OF 'DEFENDING ONE'S HOMELAND'

U.S. ECONOMY IN DANGER OF BEING OUTPACED BY NIGERIAN EMAIL SCAM INDUSTRY

AL FRANKEN'S WIFE SAVES THREE MORE VOTES FOR HUSBAND BETWEEN HAMPERED KHAKIS AND WASH

REPORT: CAROLINE KENNEDY IS FRONTRUNNER TO LOSE NY SENATE RACE IN 2010

 

COMMUNIST CUBA CELEBRATES 50 YEARS OF DETERIORATION

CIGARETTE SALES SUFFER AS AMERICANS RESOLVE TO TEMPORARILY QUIT SMOKING AGAIN

GYM CROWDS THIN AS AMERICANS BEGIN FALLING OFF NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION BANDWAGONS

OLMERT CONSIDERS CONVERTING GAZA STRIP INTO PARKING LOT FOR TOURISTS TO ISRAEL

CARNIVAL PROMISES 10% FEWER CRUISE SHIP DISAPPEARANCES IN 2009

 

U.S. SKIPS 2009 DUE TO 'GRIM OUTLOOK', RINGS IN 2010 WITH FIREWORKS, DUI ARRESTS