TIGER WOODS ACCEPTS SPONSORSHIP OFFER FROM FRANK'S CHICKEN HOUSE

PRO-GOVERNMENT SUPPORTERS HOLD RALLY IN HOLY CITY OF D.C.

HOMELAND SECURITY RECOMMENDS CONNECTING TO U.S. CITIES VIA TEL AVIV ON EL AL, FOR 'SAFETY REASONS'

AL QUEDA HIJACKERS COMPLAIN OF PROFILING AT U.S. AIRPORTS

JANET NAPOLITANO'S BENCH PRESS SESSION INTERRUPTED BY REPORTER'S QUESTION ABOUT AIRLINE TERRORISM

NIGERIAN MUSLIM AIRLINE BOMBER NOT RULED OUT AS WHITE SUPREMACIST

TIGER WOODS BUYS NEWS MEDIA IN ATTEMPT TO DOWNPLAY TIGER WOODS SCANDAL

FRUSTRATED GORE THREATENS TO 'GO ELIN NORDEGREN' ON CLIMATE CHANGE CRITIC

MICROSOFT QUESTIONED AFTER MILITARY DRONES FOUND TRANSMITTING GOOGLE-QUALITY AERIALS TO BING

REPORT: MOVING TRUCK AT WOODS HOME WAS TYLENOL DELIVERY FOR TIGER, AGENT

MISCALCULATING TIGER INVITES CROWD OF MISTRESSES ON YACHT TO DISCUSS STRATEGY TO SAVE MARRIAGE

RECLUSIVE TIGER WOODS GRANTS FIRST INTERVIEW TO 'RARELY-WATCHED' KATIE COURIC

REPORT: TIGER WOODS FAKED CHILD NEGLECT CALL, WANTED TO MEET HOT DFC CHICK

TIGER WOODS HOLDS CARDBOARD CUTOUT OF SELF OUT DOOR TO TEST INTENSITY OF MEDIA ORGASM

TIGER IN HOT WATER WITH NO. 12 FOR TEXTING NO. 9 DURING 'YOU'RE-MY-ONE-AND-ONLY TIME'

DCF WADES THROUGH BROKEN LAMPS AND TROPHIES TO CHECK ON TIGER WOODS' KIDS

MOST AMERICANS RESORTING TO 'INVESTMENTS' IN LOTTERY TICKETS

TIGER WOODS TO TAKE TEMPORARY BREAK FROM GOLF, CLINTONING CHICKS

WHITE HOUSE: OBAMA BOW BEFORE KEITH OLBERMANN WAS 'OUT OF SIMPLE RESPECT'

TIGER CONSIDERS BECOMING MASS MURDERER TO IMPROVE IMAGE

OBAMA LATE TO NOBEL PEACE PRIZE CEREMONY; WAS DEPLOYING SOLDIERS TO AFGHANISTAN TO KILL PEOPLE AND BLOW STUFF UP

TIGER WOODS SCHEDULES PRESS CONFERENCE TO 'EXPLAIN ALL' ON DEC 21, 2012

TIGER TO MOTHER-IN-LAW: 'YOU CAN'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU SEE ON EVERY SINGLE WEBSITE AND NEWS CHANNEL IN THE WORLD'

TIGER'S FINANCES IN SHAMBLES; NET WORTH SET TO PLUMMET TO JUST OVER A BILLION

ISLEWORTH SECURITY ASKS NATIONAL GUARD FOR HELP CLEARING DIVORCE ATTORNEYS FROM NEIGHBORHOOD GATE

SCIENTISTS WARN OF GLOBAL WARMING AND/OR COOLING

TOTS SITTING ON PRINTED LIST OF TIGER MISTRESSES TO REACH DINNER TABLE

WORLD MARKETS, CONSUMER CONFIDENCE STUMBLE AS NEW MOON DROPS FROM TOP SPOT

WOMAN STEPS FORWARD, CLAIMS TO HAVE AVOIDED BECOMING TIGER MISTRESS

PUBLICITY-STARVED J. LO CLAIMS TIGER WOODS AFFAIR

WEB SATIRISTS MENTIONING KEYPHRASE 'RACHEL UCHITEL' TO SCROUNGE FOR WEB HITS

NEW HUMONGOUS CUSHIONY FRONT BUMPER ALLOWS FOR TEXTING WHILE DRIVING

TIGER HECKLERS BEGIN CARB-LOADING TO PREP FOR WOODS' COMEBACK MATCH

TIGER BANISHED TO 25,000 SQ FT DOG HOUSE

AFTER DIAMOND BOULDER RING FOR WIFE, $164 CITATION THREATENS TO BANKRUPT TIGER

TAREQ AND MICHAELE SALAHI ADVISE INVESTIGATORS ON GAINING ACCESS TO TIGER WOODS COMPOUND

PESKY INVESTIGATOR BECOMES FOURSQUARE MAYOR OF TIGER WOODS' SECURITY GATE

INVESTIGATORS STOP PESTERING TIGER FOR INTERVIEW, SETTLE FOR AUTOGRAPHS

WINDERMERE POLICE FORCED TO TALK TO TIGER WOODS' INVESTIGATORS

AL GORE OFFERS TIGER A THOUSAND LEFTOVER LAWYERS FROM 2000 ELECTION THEFT ATTEMPT

INVESTORS FLEEING FROM RISKY DOLLAR; BANANAS, BRIDGES, AND SWAMP LAND RALLY

HAPLESS OBAMA AKS GEITHNER IF $6 TRILLION SPENDING PACKAGE WILL DECREASE DEFICITS

TIGER WOODS INJURED IN CAR CRASH DURING 3 A.M. TRIP TO WAL-MART FOR BUY-1-GET-1-FREE GOLF GLOVE SUPER SALE

SHOPPERS SCRAMBLE TO ACQUIRE BLACK FRIDAY DEALS, CREDIT CARD DEBT

NEW YORKERS PATIENTLY WAIT THROUGH TEN OBAMA CABINET MEMBER BALLOONS AT MACY'S DAY PARADE

OBAMA DENIES HOPING WORLD ENDS IN 2012 TO AVOID HAVING TO MAKE AFGHAN TROOP DECISION

REPORT: HALF OF STIMULUS JOBS 'CREATED' WERE FOR GOV EMPLOYEES COMMISSIONED TO COUNT JOBS STIMULUS CREATED

EMERGENCY WORKERS FREE JACKKNIFED OBAMA AFTER BOW TO HEAD OF CHINESE TREASURY

ELDERLY KISS MEMBERS FINALLY TIRE OF LABORIOUS MAKEUP PROCESS

KUCINICH '12 CAMPAIGN EVENT DRAWS CROWD OF INNOCENT BYSTANDER

LEVI JOHNSTON TO GIVE KEYNOTE ADDRESS AT 2012 DNC

WHITE HOUSE: 'BOW' TO JAPANESE EMPEROR WAS ANOTHER ATTEMPT TO READ FLOOR TELEPROMPTER

NASA FINDS WATER, WATERFRONT HOMES ON MOON

ARAB STREET ENFLAMED AGAIN FOR SOME CRAZY REASON

OBAMA 'TOO BUSY' WITH SESAME STREET ANNIVERSARY TO ATTEND BERLIN WALL EVENT

WHITE HOUSE: STIMULUS PURCHASE OF RAINBOW-COLORED PROPELLER HAT 'CREATED OR SAVED' 640,000 JOBS

GUN ARRESTED FOR ORLANDO AREA SHOOTINGS

CNN: 'ALLAHU AKBAR'-SCREAMING NIDAL MALIK HASSAN WAS MOST LIKELY MEMBER OF WHITE SUPREMECIST GROUP

IRAN'S PEACEFUL NUCLEAR ENERGY PROJECT NOW IN 'ADVANCED WARHEAD DESIGN' PHASE

EUPHORIA OVER GOP WINS GIVES WAY TO REALIZATION THAT OBAMA STILL PRESIDENT

OBAMA VOTES 'PRESENT' DURING PHONE CONFERENCE WITH GENERAL ON AFGHAN TROOP LEVELS

WHITE HOUSE ASKS TALIBAN FOR HELP ON AFGHAN TROOP DECISION

'HOME SHOPPING NETWORK: SUPER SPATULAS' BEATING LENO IN RATINGS RACE

WAL-MART RESPONDS TO HEALTHCARE REFORM BY OFFERING CASKETS ON WEBSITE

GIBBS: ROCK-PAPER-SCISSORS SESSION FINALLY SCHEDULED TO DETERMINE AFGHAN STRATEGY DECISION

ROCKETS RAIN ON NORTHERN ISRAEL; OBAMA CALLS HEZBOLLAH ROCKET CREW TO BEER SUMMIT

DISTANT CLOUD DELAYS LAUNCH OF $50 BILLION NASA ROCKET

REPORT: INADEQUATE PROVISIONS IN HEALTHCARE BILL FOR EXPLOSION OF .99 CENT BURGER DEALS

MICROSOFT SCRAMBLES TO ROLL OUT WINDOWS 8 IN RESPONSE TO WINDOWS 7 BUGS

FREAKED-OUT TEEN RELIEVED TO DISCOVER THAT SAW CHARACTER IN ROOM WAS ONLY RECENTLY-PURCHASED SAW CHARACTER MASK

FOX NEWS DRONE REPORTS BACK ON WHITE HOUSE TROOP FORMATIONS

AGING McCAIN LASHES OUT AT SOVIETS, COMMUNIST EAST GERMANY

FLOUNDERING T-MOBILE CLAIMS 'NEED TO MAKE A PHONE CALL? THERE'S AN APP FOR THAT' IN NEW AD

OBAMA ASSURES DNC THAT SENIORS WON'T REMEMBER 2009 BY 2012 ELECTIONS

MIKE TYSON SCRAPS COMEBACK PLANS AFTER WATCHING REVEALING MIKE TYSON DOCUMENTARY

STUDY: COMPUTER NERDS NOW GETTING ALL THE MONEY, CHICKS

JOBLESS RATE JUMPS UP TO OBAMA APPROVAL RATING

SUSPENSION LIFTED OVER CUB SCOUT SPORK; STUBBORN SCHOOL BOARD SAYS 'FINE, WE'LL ALLOW GUNS IN THE SCHOOL'

PALESTINIANS, ISRAELIS TO SETTLE DIFFERENCES IN WII TENNIS TOURNAMENT

WOODY, ROMAN SIGN TO CO-DIRECT 'LITTLE WOMEN'

LETTERMAN'S RATINGS BUOYED BY HILARIOUS AFFAIRS

WITH TOILET PAPER FUNDING DRIED UP, CINDY SHEEHAN RETIRES FROM CRAWFORD PROTEST

SOME CALIFORNIANS REMAIN IN STATE AS RAT POPULATION FLEES TO SAFETY

U.N. PUSHES BIRDSEED TO REPLACE U.S. DOLLAR

NASA'S ATTEMPT TO BLOW MOON UP FAILS TO DIVERT ATTENTION FROM UNDESERVED NOBEL PRIZE

NOBEL PRIZE-LESS HILLARY CLINTON MEETING WITH THE PRESIDENT OF NAURU

TWINS CONCEDE ALDS TO YANKS, WIN NOBEL PEACE PRIZE

OBAMA LANDS NOBEL PRIZE FOR SUPPORT OF IRAN'S PEACEFUL NUCLEAR ENERGY EFFORTS

SAUDIS MULL SELLING SAND AS WORLD REDUCES FOSSIL FUEL USAGE

TMZ: KATE GOSSELIN GAINS POUND

NEW BARNEY FRANK INTERN NERVOUS BECAUSE HE'S TOTALLY NOT GAY

BRAZIL CLEARS 10,000 ACRES OF RAIN FOREST FOR NEW GREEN OLYMPIC VENUE

NETWORKS VYING FOR INEVITABLE JON GOSSELIN-JOEY BUTTAFUOCO PAY-PER-VIEW BOXING MATCH

OVERWHELMED POPE NOT SURE WHERE TO BEGIN CONDEMNING

OLYMPIC COMMITTEE BEING FITTED FOR CONCRETE SHOES AFTER DISSING CHICAGO

BIDS TO HOST 2016 OLYMPICS IGNORE 2012 END OF WORLD

LETTERMAN ADMITS TO CLINTONING STAFFERS

MULTI-MILLIONAIRE CAPITALIST MICHAEL MOORE SET TO RELEASE NEW MOVIE

OPRAH ANONYMOUSLY FUNDS CHARITY 'WITH MY OWN MONEY'

HOMELAND SECURITY OFFICIALLY DEEMS DELAWARE EXPENDABLE

RAPPER'S BENTLEY SUCKS LAST BIT OF CASH OUT OF OVER-LEVERAGED EXISTENCE

MAN HAS HARD TIME EXPLAINING RICHARD SIMMONS FAN BLOG TO WIFE

CARMEX NOT POWERFUL ENOUGH TO COMBAT GUY'S HERPES ONSLAUGHT

OBAMA ORDERS INVESTIGATIONS INTO KENNEDY ASSASSINATION, CHENEY SHOOTING AFTER GADHAFI SUGGESTION

OSAMA BIN LADEN'S BOOK CLUB NOW FEATURES ONE MADDOW, TWO CARTER TOMES

LAZY MICHAEL JORDAN RESTING ON HIS LAURELS

GADHAFI ADDRESSES U.N. IN SOME WEIRD, HARD TO UNDERSTAND LANGUAGE

KHLOE KARDASHIAN ADDRESSES INCREASINGLY IRRELEVANT U.N.

AL QUEDA ROTATES INTO U.N. SECURITY COUNCIL CHAIR POSITION

OBAMA SET FOR NICKELODEON, HSN INTERVIEWS

OBAMA CALLS FOR INVESTIGATION OF TAXPAYER-FUNDED ACORN CRITICS IN CONGRESS

OFFICE GUY 'THAT'S WHAT SHE SAYS' PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING

JOHN EDWARDS MEETS WITH ADVISERS TO PLOT BASTARD CHILD REVELATION STRATEGY

OBAMA: RECESSION EBBING, BUT AMERICANS SHOULD STILL PREPARE FOR JOB LOSS, BANKRUPTCY, FORECLOSURE

CNN: FBI ARRESTS UNDOUBTEDEBLY INNOCENT ARAB-LOOKING GUY IN TERROR PROBE

DISASTER BUNKER INDUSTRY BEGS OBAMA FOR ANOTHER PUBLIC STATEMENT

OBAMA SNUBS FOX NEWS INTERVIEW FOR TALK WITH PRAVDA, GRANMA, AND CHINA'S STATE 'NEWS'

MICHAEL MOORE HELPS JAY LENO SHOW SHED EXCESSIVELY HIGH RATINGS

CHARLIE GIBSON SHOCKED TO FIND OUT ABOUT ACORN, MOON LANDING

DICK GEPHARDT: BUSH 'EVEN MORE OF A MISERABLE FAILURE' FOR NOT REIGNING IN DISRESPECTFUL JOE WILSON

OBAMA'S POLLS APPROACH KANYE WEST'S LIKEABILITY RATING AMONG TAYLOR SWIFT FANS

CNN ESTIMATES D.C. PROTEST CROWD AT 'PROBABLY A THOUSAND TO MAYBE MILLIONS OR WHATEVER'

OBAMA UNLEASHED: IF HEALTHCARE NOT PASSED, 'BILLIONS WILL DIE, WORLD WILL END'

CNN: HYSTERICAL REPORT ON POTOMAC BOAT ATTACK WAS ONLY 'NEWS TRAINING INCIDENT'

WHITE HOUSE REMEMBERS 9-11 WITH SPLIT SECOND OF SILENCE

NANCY KERRIGAN IGNORES THIRD FACEBOOK FRIEND REQUEST FROM TONYA HARDING

PRESIDENT OBAMA INTERRUPTS JOE WILSON'S 'YOU LIE' SPEECH WITH JOINT SESSION OF CONGRESS

MICHELLE OBAMA EASILY WINS ARGUMENT AGAINST SPEECHLESS HUSBAND AS TELEPROMPTER PREPARES FOR TONIGHT'S SPEECH ON CAPITOL HILL

LOST ANIMAL CHARITY WORKERS PROVIDE FOOD FOR HUNGRY MOUNTAIN LION

EXCHANGE RATE JUMPS IN COSTLY NEW YORK CITY TO $50 USD = $1 NYD

'PANHANDLING TRAINING' IN THIRD STIMULUS BILL PROMPTS CONCERN, APPLAUSE

SECURITY TIGHT AT MJ'S FORREST LAWN BURIAL; MEDIA PUSHED BACK TO ARIZONA

REPORT: OBAMA POLL NUMBERS INDICATE CLIMATE CHANGE MORE WIDESPREAD THAN PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT

WHITE HOUSE PAY CZAR RECOMMENDS AWESOME PAY CZAR PAY RAISE

BATTLE BEGINS FOR KENNEDY'S SENATE STAPLER

INDIA ENDS PLAN TO COLONIZE MARS AFTER WICK ON WOODEN ROCKET FAILS TO IGNITE

PROPOSED 110% TAX ON TOP INCOME EARNERS RUFFLES RICH FEATHERS

PACE AND FLAVOR OF OBAMA INITIATIVES MAKING SATIRE IRRELEVANT

BILL O'REILLY AND BARNEY FRANK CANCEL CAMPING TRIP TOGETHER DUE TO ASTRONOMICALLY HIGH LEVEL OF EXTREME MUTUAL HATRED

OBAMA RELAXES INTERROGATION RULES, WILL ALLOW DETAINEES TO TORTURE

OBAMA COMMITS ADDITIONAL 5K TROOPS TO COMBAT RUSH LIMBAUGH SHOW

NATION DISTRACTED FROM PENDING APOCALYPSE BY MICHELLE OBAMA'S LEGS

POLITICIANS TO BE PROTECTED FROM NAZI PROTESTERS WITH NEW 'TOWN HALLS BY TEXT MESSAGING' FORMAT

OBAMA ASKS CLINTON TO EXPLAIN 'HILLARY 2012' BUMPER STICKERS SPILLING FROM HER BRIEF CASE

MAN TOTES M1A1 ABRAMS TANK TO TOWN HALL MEETING

OBAMA DROPS PUBLIC DEATH CAMPS FROM HEALTHCARE PROPOSAL

Y.E. YANG WINS KLCI 106.1 FM RADIO CONTEST FOR SPOT AT PGA CHAMPIONSHIP, BEATS TIGER

WEATHER CHANNEL PLANS HOUR-LONG 'ANA: THE STORM THAT MAY OR MAY NOT ANNIHILATE FLORIDA AND KILL MANY'

MICHAEL VICK APOLOGIZES FOR FREUDIAN 'I'LL KILL YOU DOG' SMACK-TALK TO OPPOSING TEAM MEMBER

40 YEARS AFTER WOODSTOCK, ATTENDEES STRUGGLE TO REMEMBER MUSIC FESTIVAL

JOHN EDWARDS ADMITS TO CLINTONING MISTRESS, FATHERING CHILD

JOHN EDWARDS ADMITS TO CLINTONING MISTRESS, FATHERING CHILD

EMBARRASSED GEORGE HAMILTON TURNS ORANGEY-RED

REPORT: 7 OF 10 CARS CURRENTLY ON SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA HIGHWAYS ARE BEING CHASED BY COPS

GOP PAYS RECORD SALARY, BENEFITS, AND 401K TO TOWN HALL RABBLE-ROUSER

NAZI MOBSTERS BRUTALLY ATTACK CONGRESSMAN WITH VISCIOUS REQUEST TO RECONSIDER HEALTHCARE VOTE

PELOSI: RADICAL UN-AMERICAN TERRORISTS ARE ATTEMPTING TO QUESTION CONGRESS IN TOWN HALLS

WHITE HOUSE REVISES OUTLOOK: ECONOMY 'NOT NEARLY AS GOOD AS OUR WORST-CASE SCENARIOS'

CELEBS STOCKPILE 'PICK-ME-UPS' AND 'TAKE-ME-DOWNS' IN ADVANCE OF MJ AUTOPSY RESULTS

AUTO DEALER DENIES AREA MAN'S 'CASH FOR CLUNKER WIFE' REQUEST

WHITE HOUSE: PROTESTS AGAINST HEALTHCARE BILL PROVES 'JUST HOW MANY SICK PEOPLE ARE OUT THERE'

RUSSIAN SUBS LURKING IN NYC SEWER SYSTEM 'TOOK WRONG TURN' DURING ATLANTIC TRAINING EXCERCISE

OBAMA SHARES BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION WITH 146 YR OLD HELEN THOMAS

FREED FEMALE JOURNALISTS REQUEST CHAPERONE FOR CLINTON MEETING

KIM JONG IL ADVISORS WARN OF PUBLIC BACKLASH AFTER 'ASSOCIATING WITH THE LIKES OF BILL CLINTON'

OBAMA DEFENDS 'SPENDING MONEY TO SAVE MONEY', CITES PONZI, MADOFF, BOOKIE BEHIND 7-11 DUMPSTER

JON & KATE BEER SUMMIT ENDS IN SCREAM CONTEST, BROKEN BOTTLES AND A BLACK EYE

WHITE HOUSE DENIES THAT 'CASH FOR WORTLESS JALOPIES' PROGRAM IS DEFUNCT

OBAMA-BUSH-CHENEY UNO GAME TO FOLLOW OBAMA'S BEER WITH CAMBRIDGE COP

HILLARY CLINTON MAINTAINS PROSPECT OF RUNNING AGAINST OBAMA CONTINUES TO BE SOMETHING SHE'LL CACKLE ABOUT

PRISON GYM RAT BERNIE MADOFF SUCCESSFULLY FIGHTS OFF SHIV ATTACK

THOUSANDS OF RECORD LOW JULY TEMPS SPARK AL GORE'S GLOBAL WARMING FEARS AGAIN SOMEHOW

IDI AMIN’S GENOCIDE RE-POSITIONED IN HISTORY AS ‘TEACHABLE MOMENT’

GOV: 'PROJECT 666' NAME FOR NATIONAL ID CHIP PROGRAM A 'MERE COINCIDENCE'

DEVALUED U.S. DOLLAR NOW ONLY WORTH SEVEN WHEELBARRELS OF IRAQI DINARS

OBAMA URGES CONGRESS TO PASS HEALTHCARE BILL BY 2 A.M.

WHITE HOUSE DELAYS BUDGET REPORT THAT INCLUDES $5 MILLION LINT BRUSH

SLEEPLESS SPACE SHUTTLE CREW WISHES THEY HADN'T STAYED UP LATE WATCHING ALIEN

ALEC BALDWIN, CARROT TOP, GALLAGHER CONSIDER FOLLOWING FRANKEN INTO SENATE

SOTOMAYOR CORRECTS CRITICS: 'I KNOW YOU KNOW YOU BELIEVE AND UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU AND I BELIEVE I SAID'

COMMITTEE THAT GAVE GORE CLIMATE CHANGE PRIZE GRANTS MADOFF NOBEL PRIZE FOR FINANCE

CNN: JAKARTA TERROR ATTACK 'MOST LIKELY CARRIED OUT BY TIMOTHY McVEIGH TYPES'

REPORT: LEGALIZING POT WILL INCREASE TAX REVENUES, BEN & JERRY'S ICE CREAM SALES

JOE JACKSON SETS UP WEBSITE, ASKS L.A. TAXPAYERS TO HELP WITH NEW RECORD COMPANY COSTS

DEMS SLIP SOCIAL SECURITY, WELFARE, AND NATIONAL DEFENSE REFORM INTO HEALTHCARE BILL

U.S. SET TO CELEBRATE 40TH ANNIVERSARY OF ALLEGED MOON LANDING

SHOCK REPORT: SHOCKING REPORTS ARE DISTURBING

BIDEN DOWNPLAYS EXPECTATIONS FOR STIMULUS: SAYS 'WE'LL MOST LIKELY ALL BE DEAD SOON'

TELEPROMPTER STAGES PROTEST OVER SOARING DEFICITS

AT CONFIRMATION HEARINGS, SEN. FRANKEN CIRCLING SOTOMAYOR ON MINI CLOWN BIKE

DEMS GRILL SOTOMAYOR OVER ICE CREAM FLAVOR PREFERENCE, PERFUME CHOICE

400 XANAX-PILLS-PER-DAY HABIT REVEALED IN UNSOLVED MJ DEATH MYSTERY

POST-MADOFF PALM BEACH REAL ESTATE MAG MISTAKEN FOR PHONE BOOK

TRIGGER-SHY NASA DELAYS SHUTTLE LAUNCH, CITES WORN WIPER BLADES

LARRY KING ALIVE, DESPITE RUMORS CIRCULATING AT LARRY KING FUNERAL

WHITE HOUSE: OBAMA WASN'T RUBBER-NECKING AT TEEN'S BACKSIDE; WAS BOWING TO NEARBY SAUDI KING

BUSY JESSE JACKSON SENDS CARDBOARD CUTOUT OF SELF TO INCITE RACIAL UNREST IN PHILLY

HEALTHCARE BILL INCLUDES BILLIONS FOR VINTAGE BIG WHEELS, RAINBOW-COLORED PROPELLER HATS

NBC JOURNALIST: IT WAS 'BITTERSWEET' TO FINALLY WASH HAND OBAMA SHOOK LAST YEAR

SHOCK: TALK OF 'NEW STIMULUS' IS THIRD; CONGRESS PASSED SECOND STIMULUS DURING MJ MEMORIAL

CNN ATTACKS MICHELLE OBAMA FOR 'NOT SHOWING MORE OF THOSE HEAVENLY ARMS'

JACKSON-SATURATED MEDIA ANXIOUS TO RETURN TO ATTACKING PALIN

JOE JACKSON ASKS TO COMBINE MICHAEL JACKSON EULOGY WITH NEW RECORD COMPANY IPO INFO

MJ FUNERAL MOTORCADE PULLS OVER TO SPANK BICKERING AL SHARPTON AND JESSE JACKSON

DAVID HASSELHOFF'S REQUEST TO PERFORM 'HIT SONG' AT JACKSON MEMORIAL DENIED

POLL: MOST STILL THINK FRANKEN SENATE ASCENDANCY IS A PRANK

OBAMA OFFERS PUTIN SCALPED TICKET TO JACKSON MEMORIAL IN EXCHANGE FOR FRIENDSHIP

MSNBC: FBI FAILS TO FIND FBI CORRUPTION CHARGES LEVIED AGAINST SCANDALOUS SARAH PALIN

STATESMAN AL FRANKEN MANAGES TO CONTAIN HILARIOUS BUSH-THE-IRAQI-BABY-KILLER JOKE HE WROTE

LEAK: OBAMA MAY SEIZE MORE INDUSTRIES WHILE NATION DISTRACTED BY MICHAEL JACKSON MEMORIAL

NASA ALERT AS INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION CLIPS EDGE OF OBAMA BUDGET

NORTH KOREA: WITH JUST ONE MORE ROLL OF DUCT TAPE, SOME TWINE AND A BIC LIGHTER, WOODEN ROCKET WILL ANNIHILATE U.S.

LIQUID NAILS NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO HOLD WOODEN NORTH KOREAN ROCKET TOGETHER; LAUNCH SCRUBBED

FOX NEWS' CARL CAMERON: SELFISH PALIN ATTEMPTING TO MONOPOLIZE NEWS CYCLE

SARAH PALIN VACATING GOVERNOR'S POST TO ATTEND TO WHATEVER EVERYONE'S SPECULATING ABOUT

COLIN POWELL EXPRESSES 'A CERTAIN DEGREE OF NUANCED CONCERN' OVER OBAMA AGENDA

NASA: WEIGHT OF ADDITIONAL FED CASH THROWING EARTH'S ORBIT ASKEW

JOE JACKSON OFFERING MICHAEL JACKSON AUTOPSY PHOTOS IN EXCHANGE FOR INTEREST IN STUPID NEW RECORD COMPANY

WHITE HOUSE SAYS OBAMA TOWN HALL QUESTION TO AUDIENCE MEMBER RAHM EMANUEL NOT STAGED

BANKRUPTCY LOOMS FOR PLAYBOY AFTER HELEN THOMAS NUDE COVER

JESSE JACKSON, AL SHARPTON MUD WRESTLE OVER MICHAEL JACKSON FUNERAL MOTORCADE POLE POSITION

CONSTRUCTION CREWS GETTING MICHAEL JACKSON READY FOR PUBLIC VIEWING AT NEVERLAND

APOLLO THEATER HOSTS AL SHARPTON'S MICHAEL JACKSON MEMORIAL TRIBUTE STARRING AL SHARPTON

FRANKEN TO SENATE, U.S. CONGRESS NOW OFFICIALLY A CRAPPY SNL SKIT

TROOPS PULLED FROM IRAQ FOR MICHAEL JACKSON LA FUNERAL DUTY

BLANKET USES FATHER'S TRAGIC DEATH TO ASK FOR NEW NAME

OBAMA PICKS CELEBRITY HEALTH CZAR, CITES RECENT 'CRISES'

INVESTIGATION REVEALS WHINING GOP HAD 'MORE THAN TEN MINUTES' TO READ SHORT 300 PAGE GREEN TAX BILL ON iPHONE KINDLE APPS

BERNIE MADOFF SENTENCED TO WALK PALM BEACH STREETS UNARMED

MICHAEL JACKSON'S WILLED REQUEST TO BURY DEBT WITH HIM DENIED

BET AWARDS CENSOR COLLAPSES FROM EXHAUSTION

HOLLYWOOD ASKS OBAMA TO APPOINT 'A CZAR OF SOME SORT' TO PREVENT MORE CELEB DEATHS

ENERGY TAX BILL SLIPPED THROUGH HOUSE WHILE CONCERNED AMERICANS BREATHLESSLY AWAIT JACKO TOX RESULTS

OBAMA: IT'S TIME FOR THE NATION TO RETURN TO MOURNING MY LEGACY

NORTH KOREA USES MICHAEL JACKSON DIVERSION AS OPPORTUNITY TO ANNIHILATE HAWAII

MICHAEL JORDAN ALIVE AND WELL IN CHICAGO

MARK SANFORD PROMISES TO WEAR MONITORING BRACELET IF HE'S ALLOWED TO STILL BE GOVERNOR

SHAQ TRADED TO CAVS FOR BEN WALLACE AND SEASON TICKETS TO CAVS GAMES

RACY 'THREESOME' EMAILS REVEALED BETWEEN CHRIS MATTHEWS, KEITH OLBERMANN, AND OBAMA

OBAMA RESCINDS IRANIAN DIPLOMATS' INVITE TO SPECIAL OLYMPICS BOWL-A-THON AT WHITE HOUSE

SC GOVERNOR ADMITS TO CLINTONING ARGENTINIAN WOMAN

CNN CONFIRMS OBAMA-TO-AHMADINEJAD INBOX MESSAGE ON FACEBOOK

FOX NEWS' MAJOR GARRETT DISINVITED FROM OBAMA'S MEDIA SLUMBER PARTY

CRAIGSLIST INSISTS IT SHED 'MOST OF THE MASS MURDERERS' ON ITS SITE

OBAMA MOVES JOURNALISTS FROM ROSE GARDEN TO 'MORE FAMILIAR' WHITE HOUSE JACUZZI FOR PRESSER

OBAMA SCHEDULED TO ATTEND TELEPROMPTER'S ROSE GARDEN SPEECH

'JON & KATE PLUS 8'-OBSESSED HAWAIIANS 'DON'T HAVE TIME TO WORRY ABOUT' PENDING NUCLEAR ANNIHILATION

NORTH KOREA DELAYS NUKE ATTACK ON HAWAII; CITES NEED FOR SPOOL OF TWINE, BIC LIGHTER

ARROGANT CHRIS BROWN REFUSES TO PLEAD 'NOT A MAN, GUILTY OF BEING A TOTAL ASS'

OBAMA MULLS OVAL OFFICE REALITY SHOW TO PULL RATINGS OUT OF TOILET

HONOLULU LOCAL POLICE ASK WHITE HOUSE FOR PERMISSION TO ANNIHILATE NORTH KOREA

TIGER WOODS BUYS COMPANIES EMPLOYING DRUNKEN U.S. OPEN HECKLERS, FIRES THEM

MOON ROVER EXPECTED TO DELIVER PHOTOSHOPPED PROOF OF U.S. MOON LANDINGS

JIMMY CARTER TO OBAMA: 'YOU'RE WORSE THAN I WAS, AND AM'

JOHN McCAIN SWIMS OUT TO INTERCEPT NORTH KOREAN SHIP

OBAMA CAUTIONS U.S. NAVY AGAINST 'MEDDLING IN NORTH KOREA'S NUCLEAR EFFORTS'

AYATOLLAH KHAMENEI CALLS IRANIAN ELECTION 'DEFINITIVE VICTORY', SAYS PERSONALLY COUNTED VOTES BEFORE SPEECH

MICHAEL MOORE HIJACKED BY SOMALI PIRATES, SAILED TO DEEP WATER BERTH AFTER RANSOM DEMAND

OBAMA ASKS U.N. SECURITY COUNCIL TO TAKE HARDER STANCE ON FOX NEWS

WAL-MART CREATING ITS OWN CIVILIAN DEFENSE FORCE ON NATIONALIZATION FEARS

IRANIAN MULLAHS THREATEN TO 'UNPLUG EVERY ELECTRIC INTERNET MACHINE AND TWITTER BOX'

SPRAWLING ADDITION TO ROBERT GIBBS' OFFICE TO HOUSE NY TIMES EDITORIAL STAFF

MEDIA BARRED FROM OBAMA'S IRAN COMMENTS

CARTER NARROWLY ESCAPES ROADSIDE BEARHUG EMBRACE FROM HAMAS MILITANTS

AMERICANS DISTRACTED FROM SLIDE INTO OBLIVION BY NEW MICHELLE OBAMA DRESS

AHMADINEJAD AGREES TO PERSONALLY RECOUNT VOTES IN CONTESTED IRANIAN ELECTION

BROKE CA OFFERS TO THROW PARTY FOR LAKERS AT L.A. JACK IN THE BOX

WHITE HOUSE: IRAN, NORTH KOREA WILL JOIN U.S. IN 'AXIS OF EVOLVING CONCERNS'

FANS CELEBRATE LAKERS' CHAMPIONSHIP BY BURNING DOWN, BOMBING, LOOTING L.A.

WHITE HOUSE: IF U.S. LEVELS PYONYANG DURING SEC. CLINTON'S TRIP THERE, IT WILL BE AN INNOCENT ERROR

TEHRAN SHOPS BURN AS FURIOUS IRANIANS PROTEST PRO-KOBE REF CONSPIRACY IN NBA FINALS

FORMER U.S. PEANUT FARMER JIMMY CARTER CERTIFIES AHMADINEJAD 'WIN' IN IRANIAN ELECTION

CZAR APPOINTMENT CZAR MULLS NEED FOR TOBACCO CZAR

FIJI INSISTS ITS NUCLEAR RESEARCH EFFORTS ARE STRICTLY FOR WORLD DOMINATION

LETTERMAN: 'STUFFY' PALIN CAN'T TAKE JOKE ABOUT RAPED DAUGHTER

WHO DECLARES PANDEMIC, SAYS NO REASON FOR CONCERN OVER 'DEATH AND DESTRUCTION THAT WILL UNDOUBTEDLY FOLLOW'

STRUGGLING BOSTON GLOBE TO PAY EMPLOYEES IN FREE BOSTON GLOBE SUBSCRIPTIONS

LACKLUSTER OPENING EXPECTED FOR DOW ON FEARS THAT DOW MAY HAVE DOWN DAY

EXPERT: PARACHUTE PANTS COMEBACK MAY REINVIGORATE ECONOMY, PULL U.S. OUT OF RECESSION

WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY GIBBS REPLACED BY 'MORE COMPETENT' RANDY FROM 'MY NAME IS EARL'

NEW iPHONE 3GS APP CAN EFFECTIVELY FACILITATE PEACE IN THE MIDEAST

ALL TIES, BELTS, ROPES REMOVED FROM 'DEPRESSED' ORLANDO AFTER GAME 2 LOSS IN NBA FINALS

OBAMA SPEECH CANCELLED AFTER TELEPROMPTER ENGINE SEIZES UP

NEW QUICK-WEIGHT-LOSS DIET ALLOWS CELEBS TO GAIN HUNDREDS, MAKE QUICKER COMEBACKS

LOTTERY WINNER DESTITUTE AFTER $10 MILLION JACKPOT, 'CRAZY' NIGHT AT STRIP CLUB

OBAMA BOOSTS EMPLOYMENT BY EMPLOYING UNEMPLOYMENT CZAR

WHITE HOUSE BUTLERS RELIEVED ARAB WORLD DECLINES OBAMA'S INVITATION TO WATCH NBA FINALS AT WHITE HOUSE

OBAMA: IRAN 'HAS A RIGHT' TO ANNIHILATE ISRAEL FOR ITS ENERGY NEEDS

MAGIC WIN SCRIMMAGE AGAINST CARDBOARD CUTOUT KOBES 268-0

OBAMA APOLOGIZES TO ARABS FOR 'THOSE REDNECKS WHO WHINED' ABOUT SAUDI BOW

OBAMA TO CHAVEZ: PLEASE STOP 'LIKE'-ING EVERY ONE OF MY FACEBOOK STATUSES

OBAMA: IRAN HAS A RIGHT TO NUCLEAR POWER-TIPPED WARHEADS

TIME TRAVELER REPORTS 2013 PROGRESS IN THIRD GM-OBAMA WAR

SURI CRUISE ABANDONS SCIENTOLOGY AFTER LEARNING OF FREAKY ALIEN WARLORD GOD

ASHTON KUTCHER TAKES TOP SPOT IN PEOPLE'S '25 MOST ELIGIBLE MARRIED MEN'

GIBBS: ADDRESSING WHITE HOUSE PRESS POOL AS 'FRIENDS, ALLIES AND CO-WORKERS' WAS 'A POOR CHOICE OF WORDS'

PHIL SPECTOR STILL SURPRISED 'I COULDN'T HAVE KILLED HER - I WAS GOING TO GET MY GUN' DEFENSE DIDN'T WORK

WITH NATION DISTRACTED BY NBA PLAYOFFS, OBAMA SWAPS OUT VICE PRESIDENTS

SUSAN BOYLE MAINTAINS THANKFULNESS FOR FAME IN INTERVIEW FROM INSANE ASYLUM

CASH-STRAPPED JAPAN ERECTS CHAIN LINK FENCE TO PROTECT AGAINST NORTH KOREAN MISSILE ATTACK

BANKRUPTCY LOOMS FOR LOCAL AUTO DEALERSHIP DESPITE STD RESEARCH FUNDING IN STIMULUS PACKAGE

MILLIONS OF IDIOTS NOT TAKING ADVANTAGE OF '$10K A MONTH FROM YOUR COUCH' OFFERS

TEXAS BECOMES THE WORLD'S TENTH NUCLEAR POWER

U.N. THREATENS NORTH KOREA WITH 'A CERTAIN DEGREE OF FRIENDLY CONCERN' IF NUKE EFFORTS CONTINUE

REAL ESTATE VALUES PLUMMET WITHIN RADIUS OF NORTH KOREAN LAUNCH PAD

MAGIC WIN GAME 7 AGAINST CLEVELAND IN SMOKE-FILLED BACKROOM DEAL

JUMP IN CONSUMER IGNORANCE SPARKS DOW SURGE

ANTI-HISPANIC REPUBLICAN QUESTIONS SOTOMAYOR'S REVERSE DISCRIMINATION OPINION

OBAMA NOMINATES SONIA SOTOMAYOR'S HISPANIC ETHNICITY TO U.S. SUPREME COURT

U.N. ISSUES STERN CONDEMNATION OF ISRAEL IN WAKE OF SECOND NORTH KOREAN ROCKET LAUNCH

NORTH KOREAN MISSILE THREATENS OBAMA PLAN TO APPEASE ROGUE DICTATOR

PRESIDENT OBAMA CELEBRATES MEMORIAL DAY WITH BEST-OF-ROUND QUADRUPLE BOGIE ON 16

U.S. MEDIA'S MEMORIAL DAY TRIBUTES ECLIPSED BY JON & KATE COVERAGE

BLANK MOVIE SCREEN ON SHORT LIST FOR TOP HONORS AT CANNES

OBAMA PRAISES 'THOSE FIGHTING IN THE MIDDLE EAST', THANKS U.S. TROOPS TOO

PELOSI: 'THIS SILLY CIA STUFF' IS DISTRACTING AMERICANS FROM BRISTOL PALIN, RUSH LIMBAUGH'S DESIRE FOR OBAMA TO FAIL

ADVISORS TALK OBAMA OUT OF NATIONALIZING THE NATION'S LEMONADE STANDS

LAWMAKERS GIVEN 600-PAGE CLIFF NOTES FOR CLIMATE BILL, 15 MINUTES TO READ

OBAMA GETTING ERROR MESSAGES WHILE TRYING TO UNINSTALL CHENEY 2.0

IRAQI INFORMATION MINISTER STILL CLAIMING SADDAM STILL IN POWER

CHENEY-OBAMA 'BATTLE OF THE SPEECHES' PAY-PER-VIEW NUMBERS SET RECORD

IDIOTS STILL GETTING INTEREST-ONLY MORTGAGES CONTRIBUTING TO 2021 DEPRESSION

NIGERIAN EMAIL SCAMMERS LEAPFROG OVER NANCY PELOSI ON PEOPLE'S '1,000 PEOPLE WE LIKE' LIST

RACHEL MADDOW NIXED FROM TOP COURT VACANCY SHORT LIST; OBAMA SAYS 'THAT GUY IS TOO CONSERVATIVE'

#tcot ... Thank you for following the best in Conservative-flavored satire on the web!

SECRET NSA GADGET REVEALS: ROSWELL DETAILS AND EXISTENCE OF SECRET NSA GADGET TO BE OUTED IN FUTURE BIDEN GAFFE

OBAMA INTERRUPTS HECKLER'S SPEECH WITH COMMENCEMENT DIATRIBE

BIDEN SUGGESTS TWO STATE SOLUTION FOR PAKISTAN, TALIBAN

WORLD HEALTH ORG RAISES STRESS ALERT TO ALL-TIME HIGH FOR CELTICS FANS

CONTROVERSY ESCALATES AFTER OBAMA SUGGESTS MOVING GUANTANAMO DETAINEES TO NOTRE DAME

SURGEON GENERAL: LIVING, BREATHING, EATING CAUSES CANCER

ASTRONAUTS IN SPACEWALK TO TACKLE SPACE SHUTTLE OIL AND TIMING BELT CHANGES

WHITE HOUSE EMPLOYS OXYCLEAN GUY TO PEDDLE HEALTHCARE REFORM TO IDIOT MASSES

BURGER KING SALES INCREASE DESPITE HORRIFYING PLASTIC-FACED BURGER KING

POLL: 87% OF REMAINING NY TIMES READERS THINK 'THE MIDWEST' IS FOREIGN COUNTRY

CRAZY PELOSI ACCUSES CIA OF LYING, CHALLENGES MIKE TYSON TO ALLEYWAY FIST FIGHT

118 YR OLD McCAIN MOTHER REPLACES 16 YR OLD McCAIN DAUGHTER AS DE FACTO GOP HEAD

KANYE WEST ENRAGED AT BEING SPOOFED ON TWITTER, SAYS 'HEADS OF TWITTER HATE BLACK PEOPLE'

NO RELEASE OF DETAINEE PHOTOS; OBAMA SAYS 'IT'S ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT THEY EXIST, AND THAT WE'RE HORRIBLE'

SALE OF PICKETT COUNTY, TENNESSEE'S 16 ANDOVER DR. HINTS AT NATION-WIDE HOUSING BUBBLE COMEBACK

OBAMA FORCES STARBUCKS-TO-FOLGERS CHANGE IN CHRYSLER'S BREAKROOMS

OBAMA HANDLERS TO WEAN PRESIDENT FROM TELEPROMPTER, GIVE IT TO HIM 'ONLY AT NIGHTTIME'

ROBERT GIBBS STUMBLES WHEN ASKED WHO THE WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY IS

ARAB STREET ENRAGED AFTER MISS SAUDI ARABIA 'SEMI NUDE' REVEALS UPPER CHEEKBONE, 'WAY TOO MUCH FOREHEAD'

OVAL OFFICE FIST BUMP CLAIMED TO BE WHITE HOUSE ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF NATIONAL DAY OF PRAYER

TREKKIES RISK EXTENDING BACHELORHOOD WITH FRENZIED PILGRIMAGE TO NEW STAR TREK FLICK

INVESTORS RELIEVED THAT BANKS ONLY NEED 'BILLIONS AND BILLIONS MORE' TO SURVIVE; DOW SOARS

PRICE OF OIL SKYROCKETS ON GOV'S NEW CAR HANDOUT

OBAMA CLAIMS 'NOT PHOTOSHOPPED' STAMP PROVES LEGITIMACY OF HIS THREE BIRTH CERTIFICATES

CITIGROUP SHARES DROP TO 3.15 KIDNEY BEANS

BOSTON GLOBE SCALES BACK TO TOWN CRIER, MYSPACE-ONLY WEB PRESENCE

ELIZABETH EDWARDS: 'JOHN SAID THE MEDICAL TECHNOLOGY TO DETERMINE PATERNITY WILL BE AVAILABLE SOME DAY'

TAXPAYERS SHOULDER OBAMA'S $650K AIRFORCE ONE FLIGHT TO LOCAL DC BURGER JOINT

AMERICAN COUCH POTATOES SEEM SOMEWHAT EXCITED TO BE FINALLY GETTING 'THEIR FAIR SHARE'

LESS HOT, MORE POLITICALLY-CORRECT CONTESTANT WINS ANOTHER BEAUTY PAGEANT

DOW TANKS AFTER OBAMA MENTIONS 'MORE I WANT TO ACCOMPLISH'

SWINE FLU MASK INDUSTRY MOGULS INSIST WORST IS YET TO COME

MARY MATALIN FINALLY DECKS JAMES CARVILLE

REAM OF COPY PAPER RESERVED FOR OBAMA'S GITMO PLAN RECEIVES PARTY LINE VOTE IN SENATE

AMBITIOUS NASA PLEDGES MAN ON THE SUN BY 5019

BUSH RELAXING POOLSIDE WITH VIRGIN DAIQUIRI, TAN-THRU FLU MASK

FLU MASK SALES SURGE DESPITE SWINE FLU PANDEMIC FEARS; OBAMA ECONOMIC ADVISORS STUMPED

112 YR OLD SEN. BYRD GIVEN A PASS FOR NOT EMBRACING TWITTER

DEMOCRATS SAY 'YES' TO SUPREME COURT NOMINEE, SAY THEY 'ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO FIND OUT WHO IT WILL BE'

SKIDDISH INVESTORS JUMPING OUT OF GOLD, INTO TAMIFLU

NY STATE TAX AUDITOR TAXES LIMBAUGH FOR MENTIONING NEW YORK

CONFUSED MIKE GRAVEL RE-LAUNCHES 2008 PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN

RECESSION FORCES McDONALDS TO REPLACE CHICKEN WITH "CHICKEN"

WHITE HOUSE URGES AMERICANS TO LIMIT TRAVEL TO BIDEN'S PUBLIC EVENTS

LEAK: OBAMA ORIGINALLY PUSHED CHRYSLER TO PARTNER WITH SECTOR 9 SKATEBOARDS

BANK LEAVES TARP MONEY AT GEITHNER FRONT DOOR, KNOCKS, RUNS AWAY

CDC: NEW 109,000,001 'SUSPECTED SWINE FLU CASES' INCLUDE ENTIRE MEXICAN POPULATION, GUY FROM PHOENIX

MASSACHUSETTS TO OFFER ADJUSTABLE RATE MONTH-TO-MONTH MARRIAGE CONTRACTS

MEXICO CITY RESIDENT FLEES TO SAFER REFUGE IN THE GAZA STRIP

SPECTER ADMITS PARTY SWITCH MOTIVATED BY DESIRE TO STAY EMPLOYED IN CRUMBLING ECONOMY

OBAMA: 'THERE'S NO REASON TO PANIC YET OVER THIS SWINE FLU I INHERITED'

DEMOCRATS ISSUE KNEE-JERK SWINE FLU BUSH BLAME

DIAL LAUNCHES ANTIBACTERIAL IN NEW 55 GALLON DRUM SIZED CONTAINERS

ARLEN SPECTER FINALLY OUTS SELF AS A DEMOCRAT, WILL REMAIN IN DEMOCRATIC PARTY

OBAMA SCRAMBLES TO FIND INCOME TAX-PAYING HHS SECRETARY AS SWINE FLU SPREADS

SUSPECTED SWINE FLU CASE TURNS OUT TO ONLY BE NEWLY-MUTATED AVIAN BIRD FLU

SPRAWLING ADDITION TO OVAL OFFICE TO PROVIDE ROOM FOR NEW 'CRISIS INBOX'

VEGETARIANS USE SWINE FLU PANDEMIC AS ANOTHER EXCUSE TO NOT EAT TASTY PIGS

OBAMA PROPOSES IRONIC PORK-FILLED ANTI-SWINE FLU SPENDING BILL

NY TIMES: TOP-SECRET ISRAELI STEALTH ATTACK ON IRAN PLANNED FOR JULY 14, 5:35 P.M. TEHRAN TIME

SWINE FLU OUTBREAK PROMPTS OBAMA WHITE HOUSE TO REITERATE NEED FOR ADDITIONAL GUN CONTROL MEASURES

SWINE FLU OUTBREAK HAMPERS PREVIOUSLY-THRIVING MEXICO CITY PIG STY TOURS

FORD FINISHES BURNING THROUGH REST OF CASH, COLLAPSES ON CFO'S $24.36 LUNCH TAB

MICHAEL MOORE INFLUENZA MUTATES INTO SWINE FLU, PROMPTS PANDEMIC FEARS

McCAIN '08 CAMPAIGN FINALLY LAUNCHES FACEBOOK PRESENCE

HILLARY CLINTON OVERHEARD ON D.C. PAYPHONE CONFERENCING WITH HER 2012 EXPLORATORY COMMITTEE

CHRYSLER BOARD ACCEPTS BUYOUT OFFER FROM MIKE'S WINGS-N-THINGS

HACKERS CRACK 'SECURE' OBAMA BLACKBERRY, FIND 'THE COMMUNIST MANIFESTO FOR DUMMIES' eBOOK

JUSTICE DEPT DENIES OBAMA REQUEST TO LABEL FOX NEWS CRITICISM AS 'TORTURE'

OBAMA UP TO THREE PACKS A DAY

NY TIMES' RENT CHECK BOUNCES, SISTER PAPER COVERS $32 OVERDRAFT FEE

CRAIGSLIST MOVES TO PURGE SITE OF FRAUDULENT LISTINGS, SERIAL KILLERS

OBAMA ASKS CABINET TO HELP OFFSET $11 TRILLION DEFICIT BY USING 'ONE, OR LESS, SQUARE OF TOILET PAPER'

BARNEY FRANK FLIES WEST TO ANSWER SCREECHING PEREZ HILTON MATING CALL

MEGHAN McCAIN MISPRONOUNCES 'MEGHAN' DURING EXCORIATION OF GOP

KEITH OLBERMANN CHALLENGES MSNBC IN RACE TO 100 FOLLOWERS ON TWITTER

OBAMA DECLARES END TO WAR ON OVERSEAS MAN-MADE ACCIDENTAL CATASTROPHES

OBAMA ON CHAVEZ-GIFTED ANTI-U.S. BOOK: 'I LAUGHED, I CRIED, IT WAS LIKE I WROTE IT MYSELF'

WHITE HOUSE ASKS UNIVERSITY TO UNCOVER 'WE WORSHIP THIS MAN' ENGRAVING ON OBAMA LECTURN

NAPOLITANO ISSUES NEW WARNING AGAINST 'RIGHT-WING PIRATES TRYING TO HIJACK THE PRESIDENT'S AGENDA'

OBAMA BREAKS ANOTHER CAMPAIGN PROMISE, BE-FRIENDS HUGO CHAVEZ ON FACEBOOK

HOMELAND SECURITY ON ALERT AS RIGHT-WING EXTREMIST TERROR CELLS MEET, PLOT IN CHURCHES ACROSS COUNTRY

MADDEN: 'RETIREMENT IS ABOUT NOT WORKING ANYMORE, SO WHAT YOU'VE GOT TO DO IS NOT WORK'

NAPOLITANO APOLOGIZES FOR 'INAPPROPRIATE AND OUT OF LINE' RIGHT-WING EXTREMIST REPORT, AGREES TO LEFT-JUSTIFY SECTION HEADERS, CHANGE FONT

JENEANE GARAFOLO: RACIST 'HEROES' FANS HATE '24' FOR INCLUDING NON-VILLIAN BLACKS

TERRORIST 'PSYCHOLOGICALLY BATTERED' AFTER BABY BUTTERLY TORTURE HORROR

ANDERSON COOPER ON BEING BEAT IN RATINGS BY RACHEL MADDOW: 'I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M LOSING TO THIS GUY'

RECESSION REACHES GOOGLE; TECH GIANT TO MOW EMPLOYEE PUTTING GREEN ONLY TWICE A DAY

MATTEL SPOKESPERSON: TOYS ARE NOW 63% TOXIC CHEMICAL FREE

EMBARASSED TREASURY DEPT. RECALLS TAX EVASION INVESTIGATORS FROM MICHAEL SCOTT PAPER CO.

BARNEY FRANK CHASTISES MSNBC ANCHORS FOR 'TAKING TEABAGGING'S NAME IN VAIN'

GM DECRIES CHRYSLER'S 'AT LEAST WE'RE NOT GM' AD CAMPAIGN

OBAMA: 'I WAS HAPPY TO HEAR FROM MY HANDLERS THAT THERE'S BEEN TEA PARTY CELEBRATIONS ACROSS THE COUNTRY ON THIS GREAT DAY'

HOMELAND SECURITY: EXTREMIST RIGHT WING TERRORISTS HOST TEA PARTIES TO PROTEST 'INVESTING IN AMERICA'

KEITH OLBERMANN SAYS FIRST PRIVATE MEETING WITH OBAMA WAS 'INCREDIBLE'; WILL KEEP BABY

CHILD SUPPORT PAYMENTS FOR OCTOMOM'S CROWD OF KIDS MAY BANKRUPT TAXPAYERS WITH ANY MONEY LEFT

RIGHT WING EXTREMISTS STOCKING SHINGLE-ROOFED BUNKERS WITH BIBLES, AMERICAN FLAGS AND 'PALIN 2012' STICKERS

GEORGETOWN UNIVERSITY STUDENTS APPLAUD ERROR-FREE SPEECH READ BY OBAMA

OBAMA: IT MAKES SENSE TO LIFT CUBA RESTRICTIONS 'AS OUR TWO GOVERNMENTS ARE GROWING MORE SIMILAR EACH DAY'

SHIP CAPTAIN FREE AFTER PIRATE HEADS INTERRUPT FLIGHT OF SNIPER BULLETS

OBAMAS CUT DEAL WITH TMZ FOR FIRST PICS OF FIRST DOG

BIDEN CLAIMS CLEARING MORE TEXAS BRUSH THAN BUSH; ROVE DENIES

TWO BANKS, STD RESEARCH, AND OBAMA'S STIMULUS EFFORTS FAIL

OBAMA STICKS TO 'LET'S WAIT AND DO NOTHING' RESPONSE TO PIRATE CRISIS

MASSACHUSETTS THREATENS TO LAUNCH INTERSTATE BALLISTIC MISSLE THAT CAN REACH THE U.S.

OBAMA URGES DEFENSE CUTS TO FUND MORE PIRATE RANSOMS

KIM JONG IL CELEBRATES 120% OF VOTE IN PARLIAMENTARY ELECTION

WHITE HOUSE: NO BOW TO SAUDI KING; OBAMA WAS READING FLOOR-MOUNTED TELEPROMPTER

BENNY HINN ADJUSTS CASTRO DEATH PROPHECY, SAYS WILL BE 'SOMETIME IN THE NEXT FEW DECADES'

WHITE HOUSE DENIES BOW TO SAUDI KING WAS RESULT OF OBAMA MISTAKING HIM FOR BIN LADEN

OBAMA ACCEPTS FACEBOOK FRIEND REQUEST FROM AHMADINEJAD, IGNITES FIERY STATE DEPT STANDING OVATION

U.N. ISSUES STERN CONDEMNATION OF ISRAEL IN WAKE OF NORTH KOREAN ROCKET LAUNCH

STRUGGLING NY TIMES DOWN TO 'LAST DOZEN OR SO' READERS

TREASURY SECRETARY GEITHNER SETS SIGHTS ON 'OVER-COMPENSATED' QUICKIE MART MANAGERS

CZECH POLICE: 'FRENZIED CROWD OF FROTHING DEMONSTRATORS' TURNED OUT TO BE NBC JOURNALISTS WAITING TO GLIMPSE MICHELLE OBAMA

WORLD BACK AT EASE AS LAUNCH OF NORTH KOREAN ROCKET DEVESTATES LAUNCH PLATFORM, NEARBY FIELD

GUATEMALA PLANS MANNED SPACE TRAVEL BY 6016

NBC REPORTER CLAIMS 'UNBIASED JOURNALISM' DESPITE OBAMA LOGO NECK TATTOO

BRITISH PRIME MINISTER GORDON BROWN THROWS PANTIES ONTO STAGE DURING OBAMA SPEECH

PROPOSED BEER TAX HAS NATION'S DRINKERS ORGANIZING PROTESTS, RETURNING TO COUCH, PONG, OR FAVORITE DRINKING CHAIR

CHAOTIC LONDON STREETS BLOCKADED AS QUEEN ELIZABETH VISITS BEST BUY TO EXCHANGE IPOD FOR IPOD TOUCH

AS G20 SPEECH NEARS, OBAMA ORDERS TELEPROMPTER CARRIER INTO ENGLISH CHANNEL 'JUST IN CASE'

OBAMA AT G20 SUMMIT IN EUROPE, REFERS TO 'AMERICA'S ARROGANTLY PAVED STREETS'

TELEPROMPTER OUTAGE THREATENS U.S. PRESIDENT'S CONTINUED PARTICIPATION IN G20 SUMMIT

CONFLICKER APRIL FOOLS VIRUS DELETES ALL BUDGET FILES FROM WHITE HOUSE COMPUTERS, U.S. ECONOMY SAVED

JANET NAPOLITANO SWAPS 'WAR ON TERROR' WITH 'WAR ON OTHERWISE WELL-INTENTIONED FREEDOM FIGHTERS'

CONCERN GROWS AS GOOGLE QUIETLY GOBBLES UP SKYNET AND ECHELON

REUNITED BEATLES TO OPEN FOR OBAMA AT G20 SUMMIT

FEDERAL GOV TO GUARANTEE AUTO WARRANTIES AND PROVIDE 720-HOUR 'WHILE-YOU-WAIT' OIL CHANGES

HOSPITAL STAFF UNPLUG PATIENTS' LIFE SUPPORT MACHINERY FOR EARTH HOUR; 26 DEAD

OBAMA DEMANDS GM CEO'S AND D.C. BURGER KING REGISTER GIRL'S RESIGNATIONS

BARACK OBAMA MAKES SIXTH APPEARANCE ON COVER OF 'BETTER HOMES & GARDENS'

PEACE PROTESTERS VOW TO 'RAIN HELLFIRE, DEATH AND DESTRUCTION' ON G20 SUMMIT

CNN TANKS IN RATINGS, BEGS VIEWERSHIP LOYALTY FROM REMAINING FAMILY MEMBERS

CANDID CAMERA INSISTS OBAMA PRESIDENCY IS NOT ONE HUGE PRANK

U.N. PUSHES 'CASHLESS, MORE MARK OF THE BEAST-ISH' GLOBAL CURRENCY

OUTRAGED ANGELINA JOLIE MISTAKEN FOR 'THAT HOT OCTOMOM'

OBAMA TO DEPLOY MORE TROOPS IN WAR ON LIMBAUGH

ELECTROMAGNETIC PULSE ATTACK ON U.S. THREATENS CONTINUITY OF FUNNY SATIRE HEADLINES

INCREASING VOLUMES OF SPAM CROWDING OUT LEGITIMATE NIGERIAN GET-RICH-QUICK OFFERS

SURI CRUISE REACHES SCIENTOLOGY'S LEVEL 3, WILL LEARN ABOUT ALIEN WARLOCK XENU SOON

FOX NEWS REPORTER: I DITCHED ASSIGNED QUESTION ABOUT OBAMA'S PUPPY CHOICE

U.S. FOLLOWS GOOGLE, LAUNCHES 5 HR 'OOPS' BUTTON FOR CONGRESSIONAL LEGISLATION

OCTOMOM FOUND IN BUSHES STALKING TABLOID PAPARAZZO

REPORTERS CAUGHT TRADING ASSIGNED QUESTIONS PRIOR TO OBAMA PRESS CONFERENCE

LIBERAL GROUPS PUSH TO REVERSE WATERBOARDING BAN FOR AIG BONUS RECIPIENTS

NANCY PELOSI'S BOOK JUMPS FROM 184,354TH TO 184,355TH ON AMAZON

OBAMA DOWNLOADS TELEPROMPTER APP FOR MOBILE PHONE THAT'LL BE SITTING ON PRESSER PODIUM TONIGHT

APPROXIMATELY 23.5 HOURS UNTIL THE LAUNCH OF THE NEW PREVENTTRUTHDECAY.COM. APPROXIMATELY I SAY.

BANKS GROUP TOGETHER TO COUNTER-PROPOSE TOXIC GOVERNMENT BAILOUT PLAN

GEITHNER SETS STAGE FOR STOCK MARKET DROP BY SCHEDULING SPEECH WITH LIVE MIC

OBAMA SKIPS CABINET MEETING FOR BOWLING COACH'S PROMISE TO HELP IMPROVE SCORE

WASHINGTON D.C. MARCH AGAINST NEW FACEBOOK DRAWS THOUSANDS

 

ECONOMIC STRUGGLES FORCE U.S. POOR TO GIVE UP CELL PHONES, SECOND VEHICLES

 

IRANIAN PRESIDENT REMAINS COMMITTED TO NUKE PLANS, SAYS OBAMA'S WORDS, GREETING CARDS, PHONE CALLS, AND GIFTS ARE 'INSUFFICIENT'

 

TENS OF THOUSANDS FLOCK TO PAY HOMAGE TO IMAGE OF OBAMA ON OIL-SLICKED BRICK WALL IN PERU

 

EMPLOYEES ASKED TO RETURN $50 BURGER KING BONUSES AS AIG OUTRAGE SPREADS

SARAH PALIN'S EXPLORATORY COMMITTEE UNCOVERS 'QUESTIONABLE CIRCUITRY' IN OBAMA'S TELEPROMPTER

BANKING INDUSTRY FIGHTS BACK, CREDIT UNIONS COLLABORATE IN ATTEMPT TO SEIZE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT

 

POLL: ECONOMY CONCERNS SURPASSED BY WORRIES OVER NEW FACEBOOK FORMAT

INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION BUMPED BY OUTER EDGE OF OBAMA BUDGET

 

PROTECTIVE WHITE HOUSE MEDIA PR MACHINE BARS PRESS FROM PRESS CONFERENCE

 

WHITE HOUSE SPOKESMAN DISMISSES CRITICISM OF OBAMA'S LENO APPEARANCE, SAYS CONSERVATIVES WILL 'PROBABLY WINE ABOUT HIS JUNE APPEARANCE ON MTV'S JACKASS TOO'

 

NYC SUFFERS GLOBAL WARMING'S WRATH WITH SPRING SNOW

TELEPROMPTER-LESS OBAMA MAKES FUN OF SPECIAL OLYMPICS, HOMELESS PEOPLE ON LENO SHOW

LINCOLN GHOST MOVES OUT OF WHITE HOUSE, CITES BEING 'HAUNTED BY WHAT'S GOING ON IN THERE'

OBAMA IN ATTENDANCE AS TELEPROMPTER DELIVERS ROSE GARDEN SPEECH

GEITHNER DROPS TREASURY SECRETARY GIG FOR JOB AT FRANK'S CHICKEN HOUSE

DEMS MULL BAILOUT FOR AUTO OWNERS HIT WITH RISING SPINNER RIMS COST

MISCALCULATING OBAMA INSISTS VETERANS CAN 'WASH DISHES OR MAKE LICENSE PLATES' TO AFFORD HEALTHCARE

POLL: MOST REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT BARNEY FRANK IS ACTUAL CONGRESSMAN

AIG ASKS FOR MORE BAILOUT FUNDS TO RESOD EMPLOYEE DRIVING RANGE

HILLARY CLINTON SECRETLY RUNNING 2012 PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN FROM STATE DEPARTMENT BROOM CLOSET

 

RIHANNA SWOONS OVER I-SWEAR-TO-NOT-MURDER-YOU PROMISE RING FROM CHRIS BROWN

 

MIKE TYSON CALLS WINNER IN CRAMER-STEWART PAY-PER-VIEW SMACKDOWN