LINE OF HUNDREDS 'GROWING RESTLESS' WAITING IN LINE AT TIMES SQUARE PORT-A-POTTY

MILLIONS SET TO PRETEND THEY ACTUALLY LIKE CHAMPAGNE

EARLIEST TIME ZONE IN NEW ZEALAND REPORTS THAT 2009 IS 'PRETTY BAD, BUT COULD BE WORSE'

PRESIDENT BUSH TO ENTERTAIN CAROLINE KENNEDY'S REQUEST FOR PUBLIC SPEAKING TIPS

BLAGOJEVICH TO HOLD 'CLOSED PRESS CONFERENCE' BEHIND DUMPSTER AT LOCAL 7-11 TO NAME SUCCESSOR TO OBAMA SENATE SEAT

McCAIN'S PRESIDENTIAL AMBITIONS DASHED AGAIN AFTER NAILBITER MOOSE LODGE ELECTION

ISRAEL LAUNCHES ALL-OUT WAR AGAINST HAMAS, U.N. CRITICISM

CHRISTMAS DELAYED AFTER IRAN REVOKES SANTA FLYOVER RIGHTS

SANTA'S COAL SUPPLY STRETCHED THIN AFTER CONVOY OF SHIPS DEPART NORTH POLE TO DELIVER BLAGO'S CHRISTMAS GIFT

CNN PLANS 4 HOUR 'DAY BEFORE KWANZAA' SPECIAL ON DEC. 25

OBAMA: 'I WON'T PLACE BLAME, BUT THIS GEORGE W. BUSH ECONOMY WILL TAKE YEARS TO RECOVER FROM'

AUTOMAKERS BURN THROUGH CASH OFFERED BY BUSH IN THIS MORNING'S PRESS CONFERENCE

NYC MAYOR ADDS HOLIDAY GIFT EXCHANGES TO LIST OF 'TAXABLE TRANSACTIONS'

BUSH'S SHOE ATTACKER APOLOGIZES; ASKS FOR PARDON, SHOES BACK

 

BLAGOJEVICH ATTEMPTS TO AVOID 'THE HASSLE OF PRISON' BY APPOINTING SELF TO SENATE

 

PENTAGON REPORTS FOUR MORE DEATHS IN BRATZ-BARBIES WAR

TIME MAG SHOCKS MOST, MAKES OBAMA 'UNLIKELY' PERSON OF YEAR PICK

FEDS THROW 'ANOTHER BAZILLION OR SO' AT ECONOMIC CRISIS

BERNARD MADOFF SENTENCED TO 'FREEDOM ON THE STREETS OF PALM BEACH FOR A FEW HOURS OR SO'

McCAIN REMOVED FROM CONSIDERATION TO HEAD PALIN 2012 EXPLORATORY COMMITTEE

OBAMA SUGGESTS PLAYING LOTTERY TO 'HOPEFULLY' OFFSET PERSONAL FINANCIAL WOES

OBAMA DENIES BUSH SHOE ATTACKER ON SHORT LIST FOR CABINET POSITION

AL GORE CANCELS GLOBAL WARMING SPEECH DUE TO 'UNBEARABLY FREEZING TEMPERATURES' AGAIN

CARTER MASTERMINDS BREAKTHROUGH PEACE-BREAKING DEAL BETWEEN HAMAS AND NEIGHBORING 'ZIONIST REGIME'

MSNBC TO COVER BUSH SHOE ATTACK INCIDENT TO NEW EXTENDED 26-HR A DAY FORMAT

ENTRENCHED ILLINOIS NUT JOB EYES REELECTION, FORMS EXPLORATORY COMMITTEE

FLORIDA'S GOVERNOR CRIST MARRIES FEMALE

 

NUMBER OF PEOPLE CELEBRATING KWAANZA UP 12 SINCE 2007

AUTOMAKER CEOS APOLOGIZE FOR 'ASSUMING THE BAILOUT WOULD BE APPROVED', SAY THEY ALREADY SPENT IT

ILLINOIS GOV PROMPTS MORE 'CRAZY NUT JOB' CHARGES BY OFFERING TO DISCOUNT SENATE SEAT 'BY FIFTY PERCENT'

BLAGOJEVICH'S APPROVAL RATING AMONG DEMOCRATS PLUMMETS TO 85%

LAYOFF CONCERNS SKYROCKET AT AREA COMPANY AFTER RECEPTION AREA MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTIONS NOT RENEWED

EMBATTLED ILLINOIS GOV PINS HOPES ON HEADS-UP SIDEWALK PENNY

OPRAH APPROACHES SLIM FAST WITH BAILOUT REQUEST

ILLINOIS GOV WON'T RESIGN, SAYS INCRIMINATING FBI TAPES 'WERE PHOTOSHOPPED'

FEDS ARREST ILLINOIS GOV, YANK OBAMA SENATE SEAT OFF eBAY

AL FRANKEN OFFERS TO BUY OBAMA'S SENATE SEAT 'IF THE DEAL IS STILL ON THE TABLE'

MALL SANTA 'SCARED TO DEATH' AFTER HOLIDAY GREETING FROM BEARDED TODDLER

OBAMA DAMPENS LOFTY EXPECTATIONS WITH WARNING THAT ARMEGEDDON 'IS PROBABLY JUST AROUND THE CORNER'

AL FRANKEN: VOTERS SHOULDN'T BE DISENFRANCHISED 'JUST FOR MISPLACING THESE 300 BALLOTS UNDER MY SOFA CUSHIONS'

COMPANIES DITCH 'GO GREEN' EFFORTS FOR MORE RELEVANT 'TRY TO GO BLACK' CAMPAIGNS

PENDING OBAMA PRESIDENCY BAILS OUT FLOUNDERING FIREARM INDUSTRY

O.J. PROMISES MIAMI BEACH PARTY CROWD HE'LL RESUME SEARCH FOR NICOLE'S KILLER 'IN 15-30 YEARS'

EXPERT: EUPHORIA OVER O.J. SENTENCE MAY ECLIPSE HOLIDAY JOY

OLD NAVY DECORATES STORES TO CELEBRATE 'CHANUKAH, KWAANZA, AND OTHER HOLIDAYS THAT MIGHT EXIST IN THE MONTH OF DECEMBER'

 

LOCAL MAN ASKS CONGRESS FOR $82.13 BAILOUT PACKAGE TO HELP HIM 'SURVIVE THE WEEK'

CHRYSLER CEO LAUGHS OFF CRITICS, ASKS NASA TO LEND SPACE SHUTTLE FOR HIS TRIP TO D.C.

GM CHIEF DITCHES PRIVATE JET; WILL HAVE ASSEMBLY LINE WORKER PULL HIM IN RICKSHAW TO D.C.

OBAMA TO NOMINATE BILL RICHARDSON TO CABINET FOR SOME REASON

ROSIE O'DONNEL'S VARIETY SHOW DEAD AT AGE 0

DOW PLUMMETS TO LEVEL UNFORSEEN SINCE YESTERDAY

SOMALI PIRATES INSPIRE BUD LIGHT TRUCK HIJACKING TREND

AFTER LENGTHY BATTLE, TED TURNER LOSES LAST MARBLE

MAN IN HORRIBLE ACCIDENT WHILE TYPING ON CELL PHONE; ACCIDENTALLY 'REPLIED ALL' TO BOSS WITH INAPPROPRIATE EMAIL

BUSH NIXES OBAMA'S REQUEST TO WORK FROM SECOND DESK IN THE OVAL OFFICE UNTIL JAN 20

SOMALI PIRATES MANAGE TO HIJACK LAST 'Wii FIT' IN COASTAL TARGET STORE

BLOODBATH OVER Wii AVAILABILITY AT TARGET MISTAKEN FOR EUROPEAN SOCCER MATCH

35 DEAD IN WAL-MART RIOT OVER 5 A.M. BUY-1-GET-1-HALF-OFF AAA BATTERY OFFER

ROGUE WAVE ERUPTS IN STANDS DURING THANKSGIVING DAY COWBOY'S GAME; 2 DEAD, 74 INJURED

 

OBAMA TO INHERIT WARS, ECONOMIC CHAOS, AND NEGLECTED WHITE HOUSE HEDGE ROW FROM BUSH

CRAPPY DRIVE-THRU SPEAKER BLAMED FOR CUSTOMER'S ORDER OF McDONALD'S EXIT SIGN AND MEDIUM AIRCRAFT CARRIER

FEDS SUGGEST CITIZENS TAKE ADVANTAGE OF NIGERIAN GET-RICH-QUICK EMAILS

STUDY: CONSUMERS STILL REFUSING TO USE STARBUCKS' STUPID CUP SIZE NAMES

INCOMING PRESIDENT OBAMA ASKS TO BE SHOWN THE MAGIC 'FIND BIN LADEN' WAND

CONFUSED LIBERALS WONDERING WHY BUSH IS WAITING SO LONG TO REVEAL SELF AS THE ANTI-CHRIST

CONSUMERS SEEK FEDERAL ASSISTANCE ON $600 BLACKBERRY STORM COST

BUSH REQUESTS VACATION TIME 'FROM NOW UNTIL JAN 20'

NY TIMES TO LAY OFF 10,000 OBAMA CAMPAIGN WORKERS

OBAMA TO MAKE ED McMAHON CABINET-LEVEL, DOOR-TO-DOOR 'BAILOUT DISTRIBUTOR'

ASHLEE SIMPSON GIVES BIRTH TO A SPOILED CELEBRITY KID

APPLE'S NEXT iPHONE RUMORED TO BE iPHONE KILLER

AUTOMAKER CEO ADDS PALM BEACH ESTATE MORTGAGE TO BAILOUT FUNDS REQUEST

SAUDI PRINCE EMPTIES POCKET, BUYS CITIGROUP WITH CASH, 2 MARBLES AND SOME LINT

FLORIDA GOV PETITIONS CONGRESS FOR BAILOUT AFTER TEMPS DIVE BELOW BEARABLE

OBAMA DISASSOCIATES SELF FROM AL-ZAWAHRI AFTER 'HOUSE NEGROE' COMMENT

BAILOUT PLAN CHANGES AGAIN; CONGRESS TO BUY $700 BILLION WORTH OF PENNY WHISTLES AND MOON PIES

SHUTTLE CREW DROPS, LOSES SHUTTLE IGNITION KEYS IN SPACE

D.C. REQUESTS BAILOUT FUNDS FOR INAUGURATION; CALLS EVENT 'TOO BIG TO FAIL'

OBAMA TOLD HE CAN'T SEE ROSWELL ALIEN UNTIL JAN 20

7-11 TO OFFER NEW 48-HOUR ENERGY SHOTS

McCAIN OFFERS TO HELP PALIN IN 2012 IF HE'S 'STILL UP AND AROUND'

SPACE SHUTTLE CREW REPORTS ABILITY TO SEE ENORMOUS U.S. ECONOMIC PROBLEM FROM SPACE

TOWN FULL OF MOM & POP SHOPS ON EDGE AS WAL-MART TROOPS EDGE CLOSER TO BORDER

'PREOCCUPIED' OBAMA FINDS NBC OUTSIDE WINDOW HOLDING BOOMBOX

HILLARY CLINTON ACCEPTS SECRETARY OF STATE OFFER; BACKGROUND CHECKS 'CLEAN' FOR HUSBAND, MISTRESSES

RACIAL TENSIONS BROIL IN REV. WRIGHT'S CONGREGATION OVER OBAMA'S WHITE HALF

OBAMA, McCAIN MEET FACE TO FACE TO SWAP 'LOST' THEORIES

FLORIDA TEMPS PLUMMET INTO SIXTIES, STATE OF EMERGENCY DECLARED

FL STATE GOV OFFICES, PUBLIC SCHOOLS CLOSE AS TEMPS PLUMMET INTO SIXTIES

NEWLY-FOUND BEATLES SOUNDTRACK INCLUDES 'LESS MIND-NUMBINGLY HORRIBLE' YOKO ONO CONTRIBUTION

 

EXPERT: WATER GUNS SAFE FROM OBAMA'S ANTI-GUN AMBITIONS

VENUS WILLIAMS SPRAINS WRIST IN WII TENNIS MATCH

OBAMA OFFERS HILLARY CLINTON OPPORTUNITY TO MANAGE STATE DEPARTMENT'S SECOND LIFE AVATARS

PRESIDENT-ELECT OBAMA TRADES BASKETBALL GYM FOR 'LESS TIME-CONSUMING AND MORE COMPACT' Wii FIT

REV. WRIGHT, FARRAKHAN, AYERS, AND OPRAH UNLEASHED IN WAKE OF OBAMA WIN

RAHM EMANUEL STABS REPUBLICAN IN STOMACH, OFFERS TO MAKE 'BIPARTISAN' CALL TO 911

OBAMA FACES 'FIRST TOUGH QUESTIONS' FROM MEDIA OVER WHITE HOUSE PUPPY PREFERENCES

VICTIMS OF 2004 ASIAN TSUNAMI OFFER FINANCIAL RELIEF TO EMBATTLED U.S.

'CONGRATULATIONS PRESIDENT McCAIN' SIGNMAKING INDUSTRY SEEKS $57 BAILOUT

MINNESOTA SENATE RACE GAP NARROWS; FRANKEN FINDS 'A DOZEN OR SO' MORE VOTES MIXED IN WITH LAUNDRY

JOHN McCAIN MULLS CUSTOMARY POST-ELECTION-LOSS PROFESSORSHIP, BEARD, AND WEIGHT GAIN

REPUBLICANS CALL FOR OBAMA IMPEACHMENT, CITE 'LEFTWINGAGENDAGATE'

GOP: NEXT CANDIDATE NEEDS TO 'HARNESS THE POWER OF SOCIAL FROLICKING SITES LIKE MYFACE AND SPACEBOOK'

ECONOMISTS QUESTION WHETHER NEW WORK-FREE 'OBAMA MONTH' HOLIDAY IS GOOD FOR ECONOMY

OBAMA SPOKESINDIVIDUAL: HONEYMOON WON'T LAST BEYOND 2012

HOMELESSNESS RATE PLUMMETS ON OBAMA PRESIDENCY-ELECT

OBAMA PLEDGES TO 'STOP PESTERING IRAN LIKE BUSH DID'

'TOO GOOD TO RETIRE' OBAMA LOGO TO REPLACE 'OLD SCHOOL' PRESIDENTIAL SEAL

CUBAN GOV: 72K PEOPLE EVACUATED IN FRONT OF U.S.-CREATED HURRICANE

OBAMA TO ALLOW BUSH TO SERVE OUT TERM

McCAIN TO GRANT SIT-DOWN MEDIA INTERVIEWS 'BY HOLOGRAM ONLY'

OBAMA MULLS MICHAEL MOORE FOR 'LIAISON TO THE GOP'

OBAMA OFFERS 'CONFETTI CLEANUP OVERSIGHT' POSITION TO HILLARY CLINTON

SEAN HANNITY PRE-COMPLIES WITH FAIRNESS DOCTRINE, ATTACKS RUSH LIMBAUGH

HILLARY CLINTON GAINS EDGE OVER PALIN AND RON PAUL IN 2012 'LIKELY VOTERS' GALLUP POLL

OBAMA OFFERS PRESIDENCY TO McCAIN AFTER NATIONAL SECURITY INTELLIGENCE BRIEFING

McCAIN HITS GYM, TRAINS WITH MEDICINE BALL FOR 2012 PRIMARY RUN AGAINST PALIN

CHICKEN SHORTAGE REPORTED IN KENYA AFTER OBAMA VICTORY SLAUGHTERFEST

DOW DROPS 500 POINTS ON FAILED ECONOMIC POLICIES OF BUSH AND OBAMA

McCAIN INSISTS: 'WE'RE RIGHT WHERE WE WANT TO BE'

MILLIONS GETTING IMPATIENT ON PRESIDENT-ELECT OBAMA'S HANDOUTS

XANAX SHORTAGE REPORTED IN WAKE OF OBAMA TAKEOVER

McCAIN RETAINS AL GORE TO ADVISE ON ELECTION LOSS LITIGATION PROCEEDINGS

OBAMA DENIES PLANS TO MOVE INAUGURATION FROM CAPITOL TO BETHLEHEM

IOWA CALLED FOR OBAMA WITH -3% REPORTING

 

ECONOMISTS WEIGH EFFECT AS McCAIN SIGN VANDALIZERS REJOIN WORKFORCE

HAMAS MONITORING CHICAGO POLLS, FEW PROBLEMS REPORTED

INEPT McCAIN CAMPAIGN SENDING CANDIDATE TO BERKELEY, CA FOR 11TH HOUR PUSH

BIDEN SPOOKED BY QUICK SLIDE INTO SOCIALISM, VOTES FOR McCAIN

LONG LINES REPORTED AT ARMY SURPLUS AND BUNKER SUPPLY OUTLETS

BEWILDERED MINNESOTANS WARNED THAT AL FRANKEN CANDIDACY IS NOT A PRANK

McCAIN ASKS FOR $50 BILLION ELECTION DAY BAILOUT

CONFIDENT OBAMA RIPS UP RECEIPT TO GRANT PARK VICTORY STAGE, STYROFOAM COLUMNS

THOUSANDS OF VOTES FOR PAT BUCHANAN IN PALM BEACH COUNTY INDICATE POSSIBLE ELECTION PROBLEMS

McCAIN CHANGES GEARS, SAYS 'VOTE FOR ME TO DAMPEN THAT ONE'S MASSIVE MANDATE'

McCAIN HEDGES ELECTION DAY OUTCOME WITH JANUARY 20 CLUB MED RESERVATION

BODY DOUBLES SUSPECTED IN McCAIN'S '50 STATES IN 50 HOURS' PRE-ELECTION BLITZ

CAR ROLLED OVER IN ANTICIPATION OF SOME KIND OF ELECTION OUTCOME

McCAIN'S 'MAC IS BACK' BATTEL CRY DISAPPOINTS CROWDS EXPECTING FREE BIG MACS

McCAIN AIDES STRUGGLE TO CARRY CANDIDATE AND RESPIRATOR ACROSS FINISH LINE

POLICE: RIOTS FEARED IF OBAMA FAILS TO WIN RECORD LANDSLIDE

OBAMA CLARIFIES DEFINITION OF RICH AS 'THOSE EARNING MONEY PER YEAR OR MORE'

POLLS SEE POSSIBLE McCAIN WIN, OR RECORD-SETTING OBAMA BLOWOUT

McCAIN FACES HISTORIC BLOWOUT, SAYS 'WE'RE EXACTLY WHERE WE WANT TO BE'

DER SPIEGEL ENDORSES 'CONSERVATIVE' OBAMA

OBAMA PROMISES TAX CUTS FOR 'INSANELY WEALTHY' MAKING $70K OR LESS

CONFIDENT OBAMA COMMISSIONS IRAN-TO-IRAQ ROAD 'WIDE ENOUGH FOR TANKS'

OBAMA ENLISTS RACHEL MADDOW AS WORKOUT PARTNER AFTER SCHWARZENEGGER COMMENT

EARLY VOTERS TURN OUT TO CAST VOTE FOR OBAMA SPEECHES

 

 

FLORIDA EXTENDS 'EARLY VOTE RECOUNT' INTO DECEMBER

LEAK: AFTER CANDID CAMERA REVELATION TO U.S., EARLY OBAMA VOTERS WILL BE ALLOWED TO RE-VOTE

 

OBAMA CLARIFIES SLOGAN: 'GIVE ME YOUR CHECK AND I'LL GIVE YOU SOME CHANGE'

SARAH PALIN WARDROBE EXPENSES APPROACH JOHN EDWARDS' HAIR CARE BUDGET NUMBERS

REPORT: PRESUMPTIVE ELECTION WINNER OBAMA BORROWED FROM 2009 DEFENSE BUDGET FOR HALF-HOUR AD

HARD TIMES: GOOGLE EMPLOYEES FORCED TO SUFFER WITH FEWER COTTON CANDY MACHINES

SEN. OBAMA BUYS GUN, GETS CONCEALED WEAPONS PERMIT; CITES FEAR OF McCAIN ELECTION LOSS

 

SECRET SERVICE ESCORTS MICHELLE OBAMA AND INTERIOR DESIGNER OUT OF WHITE HOUSE RESIDENCE

L.A. TIMES TO COMPLY WITH AVALANCHE OF REQUESTS, WILL RELEASE OBAMA-KHALIDI TAPE IN MID-NOVEMBER

OBAMA LAUNCHES 2012 RE-ELECTION BID

REVISED OBAMA TAX PLAN TARGETS 'OBSCENELY WEALTHY' TAXPAYERS MAKING OVER $50K

SOCIALIST IDEOLOGY REVEALED IN BACKMASKED OBAMA SPEECH

REP. JOHN MURTHA: 'MY CONSTITUENCY, AS RECENT AS ONLY WEEKS AGO, WAS PRETTY MUCH ALL WHITE TRASH'

WILLIAM AYERS: 'I HAVE NEVER HAD ASSOCIATIONS WITH THAT UNREPENTENT MARXIST BARACK OBAMA'

MAN RELIEVED TO SEE DOW UP 12 POINTS UNTIL BROWSER REFRESH REVEALED MORE RECORD LOSSES

RALPH NADER SPENDS $84 ON STAGE FOR ELECTION NIGHT CELEBRATION 'JUST IN CASE'

AL GORE BRAVES RECORD FREEZE TO DELIVER GLOBAL WARMING SPEECH

RECENT 'VOTERS' REGISTERED BY ACORN INCLUDE INANIMATE OBJECT AND PIECE OF BELLY BUTTON LINT

McCAIN ROLLS OUT 'HOLD YOUR NOSE AND VOTE FOR ME' CAMPAIGN TO COURT RELUCTANT CONSERVATIVES

EXPERT: DOW SET FOR RECORD HIGH OR CATASTROPHIC COLLAPSE

MSNBC: INDEPENDENTS AND MODERATES 'LIKE CINDY SHEEHAN' SUPPORTING OBAMA

NATIONAL DEBT CLOCK, BIDEN GAFFE COUNTER RUN OUT OF DIGITS

SARAH PALIN TAKES BREAK FROM CAMPAIGNING TO VISIT AILING AND AGING JOHN McCAIN

BERNANKE: ZILLION DOLLAR STIMULUS PACKAGE 'MIGHT WORK'

   

FORMER SEN. JOHN EDWARDS (D-RIELLE HUNTER) PLANNING 2024 COMEBACK

 

JOE THE PLUMBER AMASSING TROOPS AT OBAMAN BORDER

FORWARD-THINKING OBAMA LAUNCHES 'DISENFRANCHISED VOTERS' AND 'STOLEN ELECTION' LAWSUITS

WILLIAM AYERS' REQUEST FOR REUPHOLSTERY OF DEFENSE SECRETARY CABINET SEAT RAISES QUESTIONS

McCAIN TO OBAMA: I WAS SWAPPING WAR STRATEGIES WITH CHURCHILL WHEN YOUR GRANDFATHER WAS PLAYING PENNY WHISTLES AND PLAYING MARBLES

INSIDER: 'NEW, MORE ENERGETIC' JOHN McCAIN SPONSORED BY RED BULL

 

KEITH OLBERMANN SET TO EXPOSE PLUMBER JOE FOR 1972 PEEK AT SCHOOLMATE'S TEST ANSWERS

OBAMA TELLS AMERICAN FLAG REDESIGNER TO 'HANG TIGHT' ON NEWS OF TIGHTENING POLLS

JOE THE PLUMBER FAILS INVOLUNTARY MSNBC ANAL EXAM

McCAIN QUIETLY CELEBRATES 93RD BIRTHDAY DURING SLOW OVERNIGHT NEWS CYCLE

 

OBAMA PLANS NOV 3 PARTY TO CELEBRATE ELECTORAL SUCCESS

BIDEN TURNS CAMPAIGNING FOCUS TO 'FOUR LETTER WORD E-M-P-L-O-Y-M-E-N-T'

McCAIN NOW WITHIN MARGIN OF ERROR IN INTERNAL McCAIN FAMILY POLL

McCAIN CITES EVIDENCE OF 'A SLOWER-PACED SLIDE IN POLLS' AS PROOF HE WON DEBATE

JOE THE PLUMBER RACES PAST RALPH NADER IN POLLS AS WRITE-IN FAVORITE

OBAMA CITES LIE IN McCAIN ACCUSATION, SAYS CAREER WAS LAUNCHED IN AYERS' JACUZZI, NOT LIVING ROOM

 

SNL SKIT WRITERS OVERWHELMED BY McCAIN FACIAL EXPRESSION PARODY CHOICES

 

PALIN STRATEGIST SUGGESTS COMEBACK BY 'SWAPPING OUT THE TOP OF THE TICKET'

 

CLOSE-PROXIMITY MIND CONTROL DEVICE CONFISCATED FROM HILLARY CLINTON IN ADVANCE OF DEBATE ATTENDANCE

 

JOHN McCAIN OFFICIALLY ENDORSES SELF TO IMPROVE POLLING POSITION

NON-FRAUDULENT ACORN VOTER REGISTRATION FOUND

OBAMA CALLS FOR MID-NOVEMBER INVESTIGATION OF ACORN VOTE FRAUD ALLEGATIONS

 

NADER TAKES WEEK OFF TO CELEBRATE CLOSING IN ON 1% MARK' IN NATIONAL HEAD-TO-HEAD-TO-HEAD POLL

 

HAMAS TO SERVE AS POLL WATCHERS IN JIMMY CARTER'S DISTRICT

 

BIDEN PULLS OUT HAIR PLUG OVER FRUSTRATING INTERVIEW

 

CONGRESS REQUESTS $500 BAILOUT FROM BANK BUYOUT BILL

McCAIN DENIES NEED TO PULL OUT OF McCAIN CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS, FOCUS RESOURCES ELSEWHERE

 

CBS POLL: OBAMA TRUMPS McCAIN BY DOUBLE DIGITS ON ECONOMY, NATIONAL DEFENSE, AND POW EXPERIENCE

 

G-7 LEADERS MEET, BRAINSTORM ON STRATEGIES TO DELAY END OF WORLD

 

OBAMA HEALTHCARE PLAN TO OFFER ASSISTED SUICIDE FOR 'THOSE WHO CAN'T HANDLE THE NATIONAL CONVERSION TO SOCIALISM'

 

PALIN GOES NEGATIVE ON OBAMA'S MAINSTREAM INFANTICIDE POSITION

 

PEPTO BISMOL JUMPS $1.40 TO $124 A BARREL

SHARES OF JACK DANIELS, HANGOVER MEDS SKYROCKET

SILLY STOCK MARKET IN POSITIVE TERRITORY AFTER ROLLERCOASTERY DAY

MARKETS CRASH ON ROCKS AFTER CLIFF DIVE

WILLIAM AYERS DENIES RELATIONSHIP WITH UNREPENTENT TERRORIST BARACK OBAMA

KEITH OLBERMANN: OBAMA 'NO' VOTE REPRESENTS ANTI-AMERICAN, RACIST, HOMOPHOBIC, AND CANNIBALISTIC TENDENCIES

50 POINT DOW DIVE PRECIPITATED BY EARLIER 45 POINT DROP

PALIN CHIDES BIDEN FOR HECKLING McCAIN SUPPORTERS AT OBAMA RALLY

SHARES OF OBAMA, INC. PLUMMET ON SEN. BIDEN'S PROXIMITY TO OPEN MIC

ENRAGED SEN. OBAMA 'BROADSIDED' BY NY TIMES WRITTEN PERMISSION REQUEST TO ASK ABOUT WILLIAM AYERS IN DECEMBER

 

THREE REMAINING JOHN EDWARDS FAN CLUB MEMBERS DEMAND FORMER SENATOR BE ASKED TO COMMENT ON STUFF

 

SEN. BIDEN RECOGNIZED BY PASSERBY

WILLIAM AYERS LASHES OUT AT MEDIA FOR ALLEGING 'EMBARRASSING ASSOCIATION' WITH OBAMA

WORLD BREATHES SIGH OF RELIEF AS DOW DROPS ONLY 370 POINTS

BAILOUT BILL TO FUND DEVELOPMENT OF NEW 'HYPERSONIC INVISI-SHIELD MODE' IN NEW PS3 GAME [EDITOR'S NOTE: MAY NOT BE SATIRE]

 

SHARES OF 'INTEREST IN GOLF' PLUMMET ON NEWS OF DELAYED TIGER WOODS' RECOVERY

 

TINA FEY ASKS AIG TO INSURE 'PALIN-LIKE FACIAL APPEARANCE' FOR $50 MILLION, CONTINGENT ON McCAIN ELECTORAL SUCCESS

 

HILLARY CLINTON ASKS 2012 DEBATE FITNESS TRAINER TO INCOPORATE 'WINKS AND ALASKAN BACKWOODS VERNACULAR' IN DEBATE PREP

 

HOPES HUNG ON O.J. DEATH SENTENCE VERDICT TO BUOY AMERICAN SPIRITS

ATTEMPT AT HUMOR LANDS SEN. OBAMA IN HOSPITAL FOR RUPTURED SPLEEN, BROKEN COLLAR BONE, INTERNAL HEMMORAGING

WARREN BUFFETT TO INVEST $3 BILLION IN FAILING McCAIN CAMPAIGN

BIDEN DEBATE TRAINER REPORTS PROGRESS IN DEBATE TRAINING, CITES 'THIRTY PERCENT FEWER F-BOMBS'

SIX FLAGS EXPECTS THRILLS, SUICIDES ON NEW COASTER 'THE DOW'

OBAMA DEFENDS LACK OF SENSE OF HUMOR, INSISTS ENTIRE CANDIDACY IS 'A MIND-NUMBINGLY HILARIOUS JOKE'

CONGRESSMAN BERNIE SANDERS EXTREME NEUROPATHY BLAMED ON WEEK-LONG STANDING OVATION AFTER AHMADINEJAD U.N. SPEECH

McCAIN'S CONSULTATION WITH WARREN BUFFETT ACCIDENTALLY SCHEDULED AT SAME HOTEL AS OBAMA-OPRAH ECONOMIC SUMMIT

CNN: OBAMA 'COULD NOT HAVE PERFORMED MORE SPECTACULARLY' IN DEBATE LATER TONIGHT

BUSH PUSHES $1 TRILLION RESCUE PLAN FOR STALLED BAILOUT BILL

SEN. OBAMA: DAVID KORESH MESSIAH CLAIMS 'ABOVE MY PAY GRADE'

OBAMA: DEBATE MUST GO ON DESPITE ENQUIRER'S WARNING OF EXTRATERRESTIAL ATTACK

GUY PICKS UP LEHMAN BROTHERS IN $2 BOX AT YARD SALE

OBAMA WILL SUSPEND CAMPAIGN, CALLS FOR DEBATE DELAY UNTIL RESCUE PLAN PUT IN PLACE FOR 'NO TELEPROMPTER' RULE

BILL CLINTON: 'HILLARY AND I COULD NOT POSSIBLY BE MORE DEVOTED TO GETTING OBAMA ELECTED EVEN IF McCAIN IS THE MUCH BETTER CANDIDATE'

LAST 'END TIMES' PROPHECY FULFILLED AS CNN.COM HOMEPAGE STORY PAINTS OBAMA IN LESS THAN 'TOTALLY POSITIVE' LIGHT

 

OBAMA BACKS OUT OF DEBATE OVER 'NO TELEPROMPTER' RULE

BARNEY FRANK TURNS ATTENTION FROM COLLAPSING FINANCIAL SYSTEM TO CLAY AIKEN OUTING

ATTACK ON McCAIN PROMPTS STANDING OVATION FROM MEDIA POOL AT OBAMA PRESS CONFERENCE

LARRY KING ASKS AHMADINEJAD IF HE 'WANTS TO HURT JEWS' (PTD EDITOR'S NOTE TO WEBSITE ADMIN: REMOVE THIS ITEM - ENDED UP NOT BEING SATIRE)

 

NY TIMES: SARAH PALIN'S FRIEND'S BROTHER CONSIDERED FANNIE MAE LOAN AS RECENT AS EIGHT YEARS AGO

 

LEAK: BIDEN-HILLARY 'VP SWAP OUT' SCHEDULED FOR THIS WEEKEND, DURING LULL IN NEWS CYCLE

 

IRAN'S AHMADINEJAD ADVISED TO BE 'ON BIRTH CONTROL' FOR LARRY KING INTERVIEW

PALIN AND BIDEN CAMPAIGN TUESDAY, RAISE RECORD DOLLARS FOR McCAIN

 

TEN DOLLAR DONATION BUMPS OBAMA'S HUT BROTHER INTO UNBEARABLE KENYAN TAX BRACKET

HAITI AND ETHIOPIA POOL FUNDS, EXTEND ECONOMIC STIMULUS PACKAGE TO U.S.

9-11 CONSPIRACY THEORISTS TURN INVESTIGATIVE SKEPTICISM TO EXISTENCE OF GRAVITY

HALF OF SNL'S 'DOZEN OR SO' VIEWERS OFFENDED AT PALIN INCEST SKIT

PALIN STUMPED WHEN ASKED TO NAME OBAMA'S RUNNING MATE

PILGRIMS FLOCK TO VIEW 'IMAGE OF MARY' MIRACLE IN CHURCH'S STAINED GLASS WINDOW

 

CAMPAIGNING 'COMEDIAN' TURNED 'POLITICIAN' AL FRANKEN TELLS 'HILARIOUS' JOKE ABOUT BUSH KILLING IRAQI BABIES

 

HILLARY PLEDGES TO 'RE-DOUBLE SUPPORT FOR OBAMA SOMETIME IN NOVEMBER'

OBAMA BLASTS McCAIN FOR 'NOT REACHING ACROSS PARTY LINES AND ENDORSING MY ECONOMIC PLAN'

HILLARY CLINTON DIRECTS POST-NOMINATION LOSS RAGE ON CAMPAIGN LOGO DESIGNER

 

MICHELLE OBAMA SAYS FIGHTS LESS WITH HUSBAND SINCE HE BEGAN USING TELEPROMPTER AT HOME, IN BEDROOM

WALL STREET EYES RECORD REBOUND ON POSSIBLE LIFE SENTENCE VERDICT FOR O.J.

OBAMA OFFERS TRUCE TO McCAIN, REQUESTS ELECTION BASED ON LAST MONTH'S POLLS

OBAMA ADDS ROBUST MYSPACE FRIENDS LIST TO OTHER QUALIFICATION FOR PRESIDENCY

CAMPAIGNING OBAMA PULLS GROIN ON ATTEMPT AT HUMOR

 

OBAMA: McCAIN ISN'T FIT FOR PRESIDENCY BECAUSE HE'S NOT ON FACEBOOK

OBAMA RESORTS TO INFLATING CAMPAIGN EVENT CROWD COUNTS BY INCLUDING PRO-PALIN, ANTI-OBAMA PROTESTERS

SEN. OBAMA TO CARRY HAND-HELD TELEPROMPTER TODAY TO AVOID ANY 'INAPPROPRIATE REMARKS' ON 9-11 ANNIVERSARY

ABC NEWS JOURNALIST MAKES LATERAL MOVE TO WORK ON OBAMA CAMPAIGN

TELEPROMPTER-LESS OBAMA ACCIDENTALLY YELLS 'FIRE' IN CROWDED MOVIE THEATER

CAMPAIGNING McCAIN LEAVES PALIN FOR SHORT BATHROOM BREAK, SUFFERS 2 POINT DIP IN POLLS

BIG BANG MACHINE SUCCESSFULLY FAILS TO CREATE EARTH-SWALLOWING BLACK HOLE

INEPT OBAMA CAMPAIGN SAYS 'PIG LIPSTICK' COMMENT WAS DIRECTED AT PALIN'S DAUGHTER, NOT PALIN

SARAH PALIN ANSWERS OBAMA 'EXPERIENCE' QUESTION BY ORGANIZING SEVERAL COMMUNITIES DURING LUNCH BREAK

SEN. OBAMA ATTEMPTS TO BOLSTER THIN RESUME WITH PREVIOUSLY-FORGOTTEN '89 PING PONG MATCH WIN

NO SPACE TO CAMPAIGN: SWELLING PALIN CROWDS THREATEN TO FORCE OBAMA BACK TO EUROPE

OBAMA SUCCUMBS TO FAR-REACHING PALIN FEVER, FORGETS WHO HIS VICE PRESIDENT PICK WAS

OBAMA MOTORCADE DELAYED IN OHIO BY LINE OF PALIN-McCAIN EVENT ATTENDEES STRETCHING INTO INDIANA

EMBARRASSED CHINA INSISTS NEGOTIATIONS SINCE 2003 WITH KIM JONG IL CARDBOARD CUTOUT 'WERE STILL VERY PRODUCTIVE'

NY TIMES DIGS UP USE OF INCORRECT FORK AT DINNER FROM SARAH PALIN'S PAST

OBAMA CASTS 'NOT PRESENT' VOTE IN WAKE OF PALIN EXPLOSION

OBAMA CAMPAIGN STRUGGLES TO COMPETE WITH PIPER PALIN'S HAND SPIT AND HAIR PAT-DOWN MOMENT

DEMOCRATS BLAMED FOR ANTACID SHORTAGE IN WAKE OF PALIN SPEECH

McCAIN POISED TO ERASE POST-PALIN BOUNCE WITH SPEECH

FRANCE SURRENDERS TO SARAH PALIN

SEN. OBAMA: ABILITY TO RESPOND TO PALIN SPEECH ABOVE PAY GRADE

DEMOCRATS PICK UP PIECES, SET SIGHTS ON REBUILDING LIVES AFTER HURRICANE PALIN

REPORT: MILLIONS OF AMERICANS SUFFERED WITHOUT TiVO FOR PALIN SPEECH

BIASED LEFT-WING MEDIA BRISTLES AT GOP CHARGES OF LEFT-WING MEDIA BIAS

OBAMA-PALIN PRESIDENTIAL CONTEST REACHES FEVER PITCH

McCAIN CRITICIZED FOR NOT VETTING PALIN LIKE GOV CLINTON WAS IN '92

 

MEDIA'S OVERTIME SALARY BUDGETS STRETCH AS QUEST FOR UNFLATTERING PALIN PICS BECOMES DESPERATE

 

OBAMA CAMPAIGN READIES FOR CATEGORY 5 HURRICANE PHOTO OPS

 

OBAMA DROPS BIDEN, TAPS PAMELA ANDERSON TO COMPETE WITH McCAIN'S 'HOT VEEP' PALIN PICK

EXCITED OBAMA ACCIDENTALLY STOPS TALKING LIKE A HONKY TWICE DURING ROUSING SPEECH

 

LEAK: McCAIN TO DRAG VP PICK ONTO OBAMA'S STAGE DURING DNC SPEECH TO INTRODUCE HIM TO AMERICA

 

OBAMA SEEKS TO REPLICATE AL GORE CONVENTION SPEECH BOUNCE BY FRENCH KISSING TIPPER GORE

OBAMA SEEKS TO REPLICATE AL GORE CONVENTION SPEECH BOUNCE BY FRENCH KISSING TIPPER GORE

HILLARY CLINTON ASKS BILL TO NOT EMBARRASS HER AT DNC BY ATTACKING ANY WOMEN

 

SEN. CLINTON APPLAUDED FOR SUSPENDING HER CAMPAIGN, OFFERING OBAMA HER DELEGATES AND SUPPORT ON THIRD EVENING OF DNC

 

LEAK: SEN. OBAMA PERSONALLY SELECTED 'CLEAN, ARTICULATE HONKY' BIDEN

HILLARY BRISTLES AT OBAMA'S CONSIDERATION OF CHELSEA CLINTON FOR VP SPOT

HILLARY CLINTON PRESSURING DNC TO ALLOW HER TO GIVE OBAMA'S ACCEPTANCE SPEECH IN DENVER

SEN. OBAMA GIVES ULTIMATUM TO RUSSIA, OFFERS SUDETENLAND TO MOSCOW IN RETURN FOR CEASEFIRE IN GEORGIA

FRENCH MILITARY SURRENDERS TO MICHAEL PHELPS

FORMER SEN. JOHN EDWARDS ADMITS TO AFFAIR MOMENTS BEFORE OLYMPIC OPENING CEREMONIES, FOR MAXIMUM MEDIA EXPOSURE

 

VATICAN BALKS AT OBAMA SAINTHOOD REQUEST

OBAMA SPREADS OWN CAVIAR, WEARS ARMANI SHIRT WITH BLUE COLLAR TO IDENTIFY WITH 'HARD WORKING BLUE COLLAR WORKERS'

OBAMA DISTANCES SELF FROM LUDACRIS, REMOVES HIM FROM MYSPACE TOP 8

OBAMA COMPRIMISES ON DRILlING, SUGGESTS ALLOWING DRILLING 'IN EXISTING BARRELS FULL OF OIL'

McCAIN COURTS GEN-Y WITH EYELID PIERCING, LEAK OF HIP iPHONE APPS LIST

COMMERCIAL DEVELOPMENT THREATENING NATURAL HABITAT OF FLORIDA REDNECKS

LEAK: SEN. CLINTON 'SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDDLE OF AN EXTREMELY LONG LIST' OF OBAMA VP POSSIBLES

OBAMA PLANE DELAYED AS SECRET SERVICE SWEEPS SWOONING EUROPEAN GROUPIES FROM RUNWAY

INSIDER: OBAMA TEAM NIXED 'OVERKILL' PLAN TO HAVE CANDIDATE CARRY CROSS DOWN VIA DOLOROSA

HAMAS WISE MEN CLAIM FINDING OBAMA UNDER BETHLEHEM STAR

MICHAEL MOORE TO OPEN FOR OBAMA IN BERLIN'S LIBERALPALOOZA

BUSH URGES U.S. TO DRILL FOR CONGRESS' APPROVAL RATING

CUSTOMER WAITS 2 DAYS IN POURING RAIN TO WITHDRAW $1.50 FROM TROUBLED BANK

HILLARY CLINTON BEGINS FUNDRAISING FOR 2012 AND POSSIBLY 2016 WHITE HOUSE ATTEMPTS

CHAVEZ THREATENS U.S. AGAIN, SAYS OIL MAY 'REACH A TRILLION DOLLARS A BARREL'

ANGELINA JOLIE ONLY FIVE BABIES AWAY FROM THIRD WORLD BABY ADOPTION RECORD

OBAMA: BITTER BIBLE-TOTING AMERICANS WOULD RATHER SHOOT GUNS THAN LEARN SPANISH

REPORT: AMERICANS USING STIMULUS CHECK MONEY FOR GAS TO GET TO P.O. BOX TO PICK UP STIMULUS CHECK

CONSUMERS RELAX AS GAS PRICES PLUMMET ONE CENT

PENTAGON DENIES HILLARY CLINTON REQUEST TO BORROW B-2 BOMBER FOR DEMOCRATIC CONVENTION

SHIITE MILITIAS PAUSE HOLY DAY FESTIVITIES TO CELEBRATE WITH ATTACK ON CHILDRENS' HOSPITAL

BENNY HINN FAINTS AT OBAMA STADIUM EVENT

EUROPEAN SOCCER MATCH CLAIMS ONLY 63 LIVES

EARTHQUAKES, HURRICANES, FLOODS, AND PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES ADD TO 'END OF THE WORLD' FEARS

DARFUR EXTENDS ECONOMIC AID PACKAGE OFFER TO U.S.

JOHN McCAIN QUIETLY CELEBRATES 104TH BIRTHDAY

MITT ROMNEY SET TO WIN FIRST WRITE-IN PRESIDENCY

OBAMA PLEDGES TO FLIP 'FIND BIN LADEN' SWITCH WITHIN 'THE FIRST HUNDRED DAYS OF MY PRESIDENCY'

OBAMA SHIFTS POSITION ON IRAQ

SAYS HE INTENDS TO EXPAND IRAQ WAR SCOPE, MAY CONSIDER INVADING IRAN, SYRIA, AND RUSSIA FOR THEIR OIL

OBAMA BLASTS OFFSHORE DRILLING PROPOSAL, SAYS IT WILL 'TAKE DAYS TO GET GAS TO THE PUMPS'

EXPERT: 10 MPH NATIONAL SPEED LIMIT WOULD RESULT IN 8 CENT GAS PRICE PLUMMET

CHRIS MATTHEWS SMOKES CIGARETTE AFTER TOE-CURLING OBAMA SPEECH

OBAMA INSISTS LATEST FLIP FLOP SUPERCEDES THIRD CHANGE OF POLICY POSITION ON IRAQ TROOP WITHDRAWAL

SAMSUNG STRIKES OUT WITH ILL-TIMED GASOLINE POWERED TV

HILLARY CLINTON QUIETLY RAISING FUNDS FOR CAMPAIGN RESURRECTION

STORY OF DOG-CAT FRIENDSHIP PROVIDES RELIEF IN MIDST OF APOCALYPTIC GLOBAL TURMOIL

DRIVERS FLOCK TO THE PUMPS AS GAS PLUMMETS WITH ONLY 3 CENT PER GAL INCREASE

NADER PLEDGES VESPA-MADE PRESIDENTIAL LIMO IF ELECTED

MAN LOSES HOUSE AND 401K WITH ACCIDENTAL MID-GRADE SELECTION AT PUMP

REPORT: CLIMATE CHANGE DEBATE CAUSING GLOBAL WARMING

FED-UP CARIBOU TO START OWN DRILLING OPERATION IN ALASKA

VOTERS SPLIT OVER OBAMA, McCAIN, SAY DIFFICULT CHOICE 'IS NOT BLACK AND WHITE'

MARS ROVER COLLIDES WITH UPPER EDGE OF OBAMA'S EGO

GAS PRICES HOLD STEADY AT A MEASLY 35 CENTS/DAY RISE

NEW McCAIN-DEAN BILL TO DEFINE NEGATIVE CAMPAIGNING AS 'TORTURE'

McCAIN AIMS TO PUT A MAN ON MERCURY BY 2065

CLINTON SUSPENDS CAMPAIGN TO 'SUPPORT OBAMA FOR THE TIME BEING'

 

HILLARY TO BELMONT LOSER BIG BROWN: I FEEL YOUR PAIN

BLACK PASTORS LINE UP TO EMBARRASS OBAMA WITH THEIR 'ENTHUSIASTIC' SUPPORT

CLINTON TO END 3 MONTH CAMPAIGN IMPLOSION

KENYAN-BASED OBAMAS CELEBRATE BARACK'S NOMINATION WIN WITH GRUESOME CHICKEN SLAUGHTER

PAPER: OBAMA MAY BE FORCED TO HAPPILY ACCEPT CLINTON'S VP DEMAND

OBAMA OFFERS CLINTON AMBASSADORSHIP TO TRANSYLVANIA

OBAMA DENIES URGE TO ERADICATE ISRAEL

OBAMA SENDS MESSAGE TO HILLARY CLINTON, TAPS MONICA LEWINSKY AS VP

MITT ROMNEY SET TO WIN FIRST WRITE-IN PRESIDENCY

CLINTON CONCEDES RACE, PROMISES SUPPORTERS THAT SHE'S 'IN IT TO WIN IT'

BO DIDDLEY DIES FROM APPARENT OLD AGE

SEN. OBAMA URGES BRAZILIAN GOV TO TAX PREVIOUSLY UNCONTACTED RAINFOREST TRIBE

SECRET SERVICE QUESTION HILLARY CLINTON ON OBAMA ASSASSINATION THREAT

SEN. McCAIN'S PERSONAL CORONER TO RELEASE CANDIDATE'S MEDICAL RECORDS

MAN CELEBRATES 4 CENT SAVINGS ON $138 TANK OF GAS

STRATEGIST WHO TOLD CLINTON THERE WAS A WAY SHE COULD EVENTUALLY WIN FINALLY TELLS HER HE WAS JUST KIDDING

NON SATIRE: PLEASE PRAY FOR SEN. KEDDY'S HEALTH AND RECOVERY

McCAIN: OFFERING VEEP SPOT TO MICHAEL MOORE IS NOT PANDERING TO LEFT

PIECE OF '08 BAZOOKA GUM APPROACHES PRICE OF '85 RUBIK'S CUBE

SEN. CLINTON POST-NOMINATION LOSS PLANS INCLUDE PROFESSORSHIP, WEIGHT GAIN, AND BEARD

ARCHEOLOGISTS UNCOVER HILLARY CLINTON'S CHANCE OF BECOMING U.S. PRESIDENT

 

REV. WRIGHT BUSY PENNING OBAMA'S OCTOBER SURPRISE

UNDER CLOSE OBSERVATION, SEN. CLINTON STRIPPED OF BELT, NECKTIE

McCAIN PLEDGES 'RESPECTFUL CAMPAIGN', SAYS OBAMA WILL BE ONE OF AMERICA'S GREATEST PRESIDENTS EVER

GAS PRICE INCREASE SLOWS DOWN TO ONLY 12 CENTS PER DAY

SEN. OBAMA 'OUTRAGED' THAT OBAMA FAMILY MINISTER ALLOWED NEAR WORKING MICROPHONE

OBAMA'S MINISTER REARS ITS HEAD AGAIN

 

McCAIN TO NEW ORLEANS: 'NEVER AGAIN WILL LEVEES BE SABOTAGED TO FLOOD HOMES AND KILL BLACK PEOPLE'

BARACK OBAMA TO ISSUE WEEKLY APOLOGIES FOR TIES WITH RACIST REVERENDS, TERRORISTS

JOHN McCAIN QUIETLY CELEBRATES 103rd BIRTHDAY

CLINTON PICKS UP A 'MAYBE, NOW PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE' COMMITMENT FROM SUPERDELEGATE

OBAMA: BITTER POPE CLINGS TO RELIGION

HARD-DRINKING HILLARY CLINTON MAKES PIT STOP FOR PULLED PORK BAR-B-QUE DURING ALL-MALE GATOR HUNT

DARFUR EXTENDS ECONOMIC AID PACKAGE OFFER TO U.S.

EARTHQUAKES, TORNADOES, FLOODS, AND DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES ADD TO 'END OF WORLD' FEARS

 

SHIITE MILITIAS PAUSE HOLY DAY FESTIVITIES TO CELEBRATE WITH ATTACK ON CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL

 

BUSH, CHENEY RELEASE SEN. CLINTON'S TAX RETURNS

 

OBAMA PLEDGES TO STAY 'ON DEFENSE IN THE WAR AGAINST A PERCEIVED TERRORIST THREAT OF SOME SORT'

OBAMA BRUSHES OFF ANTI-CHRIST RUMORS

 

THE VIEW GIRLS GRILL SEN. OBAMA, ASK 'HOW DID YOU COME TO BE SO INCREDIBLY SEXY?'

 

RANDOM GUY STANDS NEXT TO McCAIN AT PHOTO OP, SPARKS VEEP RUMORS

EUROPEAN SOCCER MATCH CLAIMS ONLY 68 LIVES

OBAMA: FAVORITE WRIGHT SERMON IS 'IRAQ'S DEAD: BLOOD FOR OIL'

SEN. OBAMA FORMALLY DENOUNCES HIS LAST TWENTY YEARS UNDER MINISTER WRIGHT'S PASTORAL CARE

BUSH HOLDS NOSE, ENDORSES McCAIN

STAFFER WHO SUGGESTED SEN. CLINTON EXIT RACE TO RECEIVE PROSTHETIC HAND TODAY

McCAIN: FAINTING FROM BOREDOM AT MY EVENTS 'IS FAINTING NONETHELESS'

OBAMA RAISES A RECORD $50 MILLION FROM FORMER CLINTON SUPPORTERS

CLINTON ADDS ONE EIGHTH OF A DELEGATE TO TOTAL

CLINTON CELEBRATES 'MOST LIKELY NOT, BUT MAYBE' VOW FROM SUPERDELEGATE

NEWS OF RECORD COOLING TREND HAS GORE HOT - FRIEND

RIGHT-WING HATEMONGER VISCIOUSLY ATTACKS SEN. OBAMA BY USING HIS REAL NAME

DEMS HOLD FINAL FIREWORK-FREE DEBATE

CLINTON FAILS TO DELIVER DEATH BLOW COCAINE QUESTION

BENNY HINN FAINTS AT BARACK OBAMA STADIUM EVENT

PENTAGON DECLINES CLINTON REQUEST TO BORROW B2-BOMBER FOR DEMOCRATIC CONVENTION

SEVERAL FAINT DURING HILLARY CLINTON RALLY WHILE WATCHING AN OBAMA SPEECH ON THEIR PDA PHONES

NY TIMES: HUCKABEE CHEATED ON GIRLFRIEND, STOLE LUNCH MONEY SAYS UNIDENTIFIED FORMER SCHOOLMATE

IN LATEST CLINTON BLUNDER, HILLARY STARTS SPEECH WITH 'WHEN BARACK IS PRESIDENT...'

OBAMA ACCEPTS VEEP SPOT IN EXCHANGE FOR 'PROMISE TO NOT BE VINCE FOSTERED BY THE CLINTON KILLING MACHINE'

SEN. McCAIN: 'MY FRIENDS AT THE NEW YORK TIMES ARE EVIL, WICKED PEOPLE'

McCAIN HOLDS PRESS CONFERENCE, DENIES 'CLINTONESQUE AFFAIR' WITH D.C. CUTIE

HUCKABEE 'LOOKING FORWARD TO SQUARING OFF AGAINST MIKE GRAVEL IN THE GENERAL ELECTION'

FORMER RIVALS OBAMA, EDWARDS MEET BEHIND QUICKIE MART IN DES MOINES

 

eBAY FEE CHANGES DRIVE U.S. ECONOMY DEEPER INTO RECESSION

 

HILLARY CLINTON CATCHES HER MOM ON STREET CORNER WITH 'OBAMA FOR PREZ' SIGN, SHIRT, HAT, AND BALLOONS

OBAMA TO UNVEIL 'SLIGHT MODIFICATION' TO 'CHANGE' MESSAGE

TWELVE CIVILIANS WOUNDED IN CLINTON -OBAMA CROSSFIRE

ROMNEY HOLDS NOSE, ENDORSES McCAIN

OBAMA TO CLINTON: 'YOU'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE... CAN YOU TELL ME THE MEASUREMENTS OF THE DRAPES?'

SEN. CLINTON MAY THROW IN TOWEL, DECIDE TO PIMP OUT CHELSEA FOR OPPORTUNITY TO BECOME 'FIRST PARENTS'

 

HILLARY CLINTON ACCUSES SEN. OBAMA OF 'COPYING MY BLACK VOICE'

HUCKABEE 'BASKING IN HIS FRONT-RUNNING SECOND PLACE STATUS'

ROMNEY DROPS OUT, ENDORSES GIULIANI

VOTE CAST FOR MIKE GRAVEL IN 'HIGH-IQ DISTRICT' SPARKS VOTING IRREGULARITY INVESTIGATION

 

CLINTON HIRES GEORGE LUCAS TO PRODUCE HER NEXT 'HUMAN MOMENT'

McCAIN: 'ONLY I CAN SEND BILL AND HILLARY BACK TO THEIR SEPARATE LIVES AND BEDS'

McCAIN STAFFERS DON BODY ARMOR IN ANTICIPATION OF ROMNEY WIN IN CALIFORNIA PRIMARY

HILLARY IN TEARS AFTER HEARING NEAL BOORTZ COMMENTARY ABOUT HER PRE-PRIMARY CRYING STRATEGY

IRAN INTIMIDATED BY HILLARY CLINTON TEARS. VOWS TO DISMANTLE NUKE SITES

NY TIMES DOES FAVOR FOR CONSERVATIVE CANDIDATE JOHN McCAIN, BURIES CINDY SHEEHAN ENDORSEMENT ON PAGE A2

BRITNEY SPEARS DANGEROUSLY APPROACHES MICHAEL JACKSON STATUS

UNEMPLOYED STYLISTS FLOOD MARKET AFTER EDWARDS EXIT FROM RACE

OVER-MOTIVATED McCAIN VOWS TO FOLLOW ROMNEY 'TO THE GATES OF HELL IF NEED BE' TO SECURE NOMINATION

JOHN EDWARDS PROMISES 'TO BEGIN REMOVING TROOPS FROM IRAQ AS SOON AS I WIN A PRIMARY OR SOMETHING'

 

OBAMA STANDS, APPLAUDS BUSH STATE OF THE UNION LINE ABOUT CRUMBLING CLINTON CANDIDACY

 

HILLARY CLINTON DOWNPLAYS HUSBAND'S ENDORSEMENT OF SEN. OBAMA

POLL: A FEW ARE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH HUCKABEE'S 'LACK OF MORMON BELIEFS'

ORLANDO SENTINEL ENDORSES DEMOCRATS CLINTON AND McCAIN

BILL, CHELSEA CLINTON JOIN THE CROWD OF DEMOCRATS ENDORSING SEN. OBAMA

 

GIULIANI DOWNPLAYS FOURTH PLACE SHOWING AMONG FIELD OF THREE

 

SEN. CLINTON MANAGES GIGANTIC SMILE AFTER CRUSHING SOUTH CAROLINA LOSS, SPRINGS BOTOX LEAK

 

HILLARY CLINTON ON A LIMB, ANSWERS QUESTION FROM 'RANDOMLY PICKED CLINTON STAFFER'

 

McCAIN CLARIFIES POSITION ON TAX CUTS: I VOTED AGAINST BUSH'S TAX CUTS BEFORE I VOTED TO MAKE THEM PERMANENT'

 

McCAIN MUSTERS UP PRAISE FOR LIMBAUGH, SAYS 'RUSH IS AN AGENT OF INTOLERANCE, BUT NOT A REALLY BAD ONE'

 

MEDIA SWOONS OVER BILL CLINTON'S 'EXTRAORDINARILY EFFECTIVE ABILITY TO LIE'

BILL CLINTON CAMPAIGNS FOR WIFE IN SC, X-PREZ SAYS 'I DON'T CARE WHAT IT TAKES, I'M GOING TO WIN THIS STATE'

 

HUCKABEE FINANCING HIS CAMPAIGN ON eBAY'ED GARAGE SALE ITEM SALES

 

TOM BRADY FOOT INJURY 'A FACTOR, BUT NOT THE SOLE CAUSE' OF STOCK MARKET JITTERS

BILL CLINTON: 'I PERSONALLY WITNESSED VOTER SUPPRESSION AND A UFO'

CANDIDATES JOCKEY TO POSITION SELVES AS 'LIFELONG FANS' OF TODAY'S NFL GAME WINNERS

 

KUCINICH SUES NEVADA FOR 'LACK OF VOTES FOR ME IN THAT STATE'

 

INCREASED UFO ACTIVITY FAILS TO STIMULATE KUCINICH POLL NUMBERS

 

KUCINICH ASKS FEDS TO INVESTIGATE SLOW PROGRESS OF PREVIOUS INVESTIGATION REQUESTS

 

GLOBAL WARMING ACTIVISTS: OUT-OF-SEASON SNOW STORM WAS PLANNED AT BUSH RANCH IN CRAWFORD

 

BAD MAKEUP JOB LEAVES PART OF SEN. CLINTON'S MOTHERBOARD EXPOSED DURING VEGAS DEBATE

 

JOHN EDWARDS TAKES A PIECE OF OBAMA'S PIE, SAYS HE'S ALSO 'FOR CHANGE'

 

CLINTON ADVISOR SIDNEY BLUMENTHAL ARRESTED FOR 'AGGRAVATED DWI', SAYS BUSH AT FAULT

 

LEAK: SEN. CLINTON PLANNING ATTEMPT AT 'HYSTERICAL SOBBING' TO SAVE SOUTH CAROLINA POLL NUMBERS

GIULIANI CAMPAIGN MANAGER GETS RAISE, WILL RECEIVE EXTRA REAM OF COPY PAPER EACH MONTH

OBAMA WARNS STAFFERS OF POSSIBLE WMD ATTACK FROM CLINTON FORCES

DENNIS KUCINICH REQUESTS RECOUNT OF HIS 14 NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY VOTES, SAYS "SOMETHING'S NOT RIGHT, I HAVE 15 STAFFERS'

RON PAUL ACKNOWLEDGES DIFFERENCES WITH 9-11 CONSPIRACY NUTJOBS RUNNING HIS CAMPAIGN

 

REPORT: KERRY MADE COURTESY CALL TO ELIZABETH EDWARDS BEFORE ENDORSING OBAMA

RON PAUL SUGGESTS U.S. SURRENDER AFTER IRAN ATTACKS U.S. WARSHIPS WITH KAYAKS

 

MRS. BILL CLINTON WINS NH PRIMARY

 

HUCKABEE URGES ERADICATION OF THE IRS, ROMNEY

KUCINICH WINS IOWA CAUCUS VOTER

REPORT: SEN. CLINTON DOUBLES UP ON BOTOX TO MAINTAIN EAR-TO-EAR POST-IOWA GRIN

WEIRD IOWA CAUCUS PROCESS SET TO BEGIN

HUCKABEE, ROMNEY TO MEET ON DES MOINES STREET CORNER IN PAY-PER-VIEW SHOWDOWN

MIKE GRAVEL PICKS UP NEW SUPPORTER AFTER 5 DAY CAMPAIGN BLITZ ON SECOND LIFE

NY TIMES: HUCKABEE'S EYE LINE AND NOSE FORM 'CROSS SHAPE' IN NEW CAMPAIGN AD