CLINTON AMASSES TROOPS AT OBAMA'S BORDER

 

MEDIA HYPE OVER NEW LOST GLOVE WEBSITE OVERSHADOWED BY BHUTTO ASSASINATION

SEN. CLINTON CONDEMNS ATTACKS ON BHUTTO, SELF

CLINTON SWEARS OFF SMEAR CAMPAIGNING, INSTRUCTS STAFFERS TO 'REFRAIN FROM ANY MENTION OF OBAMA'S COKE HABIT'

DENNIS KUCINICH ATTEMPTS TO BOOST NUMBER OF SUPPORTERS TO CANDIDACY BY ENDORSING SELF

DENNIS KUCINICH BUILDS BUNKER UNDER HOME AFTER NEWS THAT ASTEROID MAY HIT MARS

 

JOHN EDWARDS WINS TIME'S 'WOMAN OF THE YEAR'

NEW CLINTON CAMPAIGN STRATEGY TO SHOWCASE CANDIDATE'S 'LIKEABLE SIDE'

 

ELATED McCAIN RETURNS TO HAWKEYE STATE AFTER NEWS THAT IOWANS AT DES MOINES REGISTER DON'T HATE HIM

 

BILL MOYERS REPORTEDLY PREGNANT BY KEITH OLBERMANN AFTER INTERVIEW

 

POLL: FREEZING AMERICANS WISH GLOBAL WARMING PROBLEM WAS REAL

HILLARY CLINTON MAKES FOURTH PROMISE TO "NEVER AGAIN USE THE WORD 'COCAINE' IN REFERENCE TO BARACK OBAMA'S HISTORY OF COCAINE ABUSE"

HILLARY CLINTON: 'I'VE APOLOGIZED TO BARACK PERSONALLY AND INSURED HIM THERE WILL BE NO MORE MENTIONS OF HIS HORRIBLE AND DISGUSTING COCAINE HABIT'

NEW CLINTON COMMERCIAL FEATURES MOM RODHAM INSISTING: 'HILLARY IS NOT A HORRIBLE PERSON...REALLY'

CLINTON QUESTIONS OBAMA'S 1999 ATTENDANCE AT 'RESISTING WATERBOARD INTERROGATIONS' SEMINAR

GLOBAL WARMING ALARMISTS EXONNERATED BY LIGHT DRIZZLE CURRENTLY BATTERING VIRGIN ISLANDS

 

CNN: CHURCH SHOOTING INTERRUPTED BY GUN NUT

 

HUCKABEE RAISES ANOTHER $10, DEDICATES MOST TO IOWA AD BUY

REPORT: MITT ROMNEY WON'T UNVEIL JOSEPH SMITH'S GOLDEN TABLETS IN SPEECH TODAY

REPORT: WHEN KUCINICH EXITS RACE, JOHN EDWARDS IS 'BEST POSITIONED' TO PICK UP HIS SUPPORTER

REPORT: IRAN IS NO THREAT, STILL 'MONTHS AWAY' FROM NUKES

ACTRESS WHO PLAYS DOGWALKER FROM 'KING OF QUEENS' SET TO ANNOUNCE SUPPORT FOR CLINTON

MURTHA: THE SURGE IS UNFORTUNATELY WORKING IN IRAQ, BUT NOTHING HAS IMPROVED

OBAMA-BLOOMBERG BREAKFAST MYSTERY SOLVED

REPORT: MEDICAL ATTENTION POSES DEADLY RISKS

O'BOYS BAR-B-QUE MISINTERPRETS PLEDGE TO BAN PORK SPENDING, SUES SEN. McCAIN

 

FRENCH YOUTHS RIOT DESPITE 'MUSLIM-LOOKING APPEARANCES'

PALESTINIAN PRIME MINISTER ABBAS PLEDGES TO 'SHAKE AN ISRAELI HAND AND MEAN IT' BY 2019

NY TIMES REPORTER AWARDED FOR 'SCOOP' ON SECRET FEB 13 ISRAELI STRIKE ON IRAN

 

LIBERALS URGE SUPREME COURT TO RECONSIDER AMERICANS' RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS IN COMBAT

OBAMA CLAIMS GOOD TIMES ON DRUGS WAS 'WASTE OF TIME'

JOHN EDWARDS' NET WORTH HIT BY RISING FUEL COSTS FOR INDUSTRIAL-STRENGTH HAIR EQUIPMENT

SEN. KERRY VOWS TO DISPROVE SWIFT BOAT CLAIMS 'ONCE AND FOR ALL' BY 2023

 

DENNIS KUCINICH BASKS IN THE GLOW OF SELF-PROCLAIMED DEBATE VICTORY

O.J. SIMPSON TO STAND TRIAL FOR STEALING HIS OWN STUFF A FEW YEARS AFTER CUTTING OFF WIFE AND FRIEND'S HEADS

 

POLL: HILLARY CLINTON'S NON-MUSLIM-SOUNDING NAME A 'PLUS'

 

U.S. GOV PLEDGES TO IMPROVE VEHICLE FUEL EFFICIENCY STANDARDS BY 3012

CLINTON PLANTS QUESTION GIRL IN RIVER WITH NEW PAIR OF CONCRETE SHOES

BEAUTICIANS BEGIN FINE-TUNING JOHN EDWARDS' MAKEUP AND HAIR FOR NEXT WEEK'S DEBATE

CLINTON CAMPAIGN THREATENS TO 'VINCE FOSTER' WOLF BLITZER IF HE PRESSES HILLARY TO ANSWER QUESTIONS IN NEXT DEBATE

GLOBAL WARMING BLAMED FOR CLIMATE CHANGE DEBATE

JOHN McCAIN'S MOM SURPASSES SON IN LATEST ZOGBY POLL

PC VIRUS SENDS MYSPACERS OUTDOORS, INTO 'FIRST LIFE'

ROBERT REDFORD'S ANTI-WAR FILM OPENS TO CROWD OF TENS

FRENCH PRESIDENT APPPLAUDS AMERICANS FOR 'STANDING UP TO WHINERS AND CRYBABIES, LIKE THE FRENCH'

KUCINICH PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN SUSPENDED FOR FOUR DAY STAR TREK CONVENTION

 

EBONY MAGAZINE READER BLINDED BY 'WHITE GLARE' FROM NEW MICHAEL JACKSON COVER

 

CALLER TO RUSH LIMBAUGH PROGRAM OUTS PROFIT-SEEKING CHENEY AS 9-11 MASTERMIND

HILLARY 'ACCIDENTALLY' HITS SEND, EMAILS BARACK OBAMA PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE SNUB VIDEO TO 10 MILLION

DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES UNVEIL DEEP AND LONG-HELD, BUT PREVIOUSLY UNDISCLOSED, FAITH IN RELIGIOUS STUFF

DEMS: COMING BUSH RECESSION BEING STIFLED BY SURPRISINGLY ROBUST ECONOMY

AL SHARPTON FILES HOMESTEAD EXEMPTION ON NEW RESIDENCE AT DOG THE BOUNTY HUNTER'S FRONT LAWN

CAMPAIGN STAFFERS EXPRESS CONCERN OVER DENNIS KUCINICH'S NEW TIN FOIL HAT

KUCINICH UFO REVELATION PROVIDES SURPRISING POLL BOUNCE, CLINTON CLAIMS ABDUCTION, PRODDING

DENNIS KUCINICH DRAGGED FROM AREA 51 FRONT GATE, YELLS 'DON'T TASE ME BRO'

HILLARY CLINTON FILES RESTRAINING ORDERS AGAINST EDWARDS, OBAMA, AND RUSSERT

HILLARY ACHIEVES RECORD THREE POLICY CONTRADICTIONS IN FOUR WORD SENTENCE

CNN: VIABILITY OF HILLARY CLINTON PRESIDENCY INCREASED AFTER ZIMBAMBWEAN TRIBE ELECTS WOMAN AS CHIEF MEDICINE DOCTOR

JOHN EDWARDS CRITICIZES HILLARY, JEOPARDIZES AMBASSADORSHIP TO PACIFIC ATOLL

CONGRESS TURNS ATTENTION TO INGREDIENT DISCLOSURE REQUIREMENTS FOR NEW MOUNTAIN DEW FLAVOR

BILL GATE'S SECRETARY OF DEFENSE UNVEILS PLANS TO PROTECT MICROSOFT AGAINST 'IMMINENT THREAT' FROM GOOGLE

POLL: McCAIN MOVES 1 POINT CLOSER TO THIRD PLACE CANDIDATE 'ANYONE BUT McCAIN'

OBAMA ANNOUNCES DATE FOR ANTI-CLINTON SMEAR CAMPAIGN LAUNCH PARTY

MAN PRAYING FOR RAPTURE TO PROVE FRIEND WRONG, WIN BET

KUCINICH CONVERTS TO 'RADICALIZED ISLAM' TO COURT DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY VOTERS

BOSOX NEAR 50 RUN-PER-INNING LIMIT IN WORLD SERIES OPENER

 

MICHAEL MOORE SUES DAVID ORTIZ FOR 'BIG POPPY' TRADE NAME INFRINGEMENT

 

SCIENTISTS DISCOVER LIFE IN BILL RICHARDSON'S CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS

CIA: NEW BARACK OBAMA AUDIO TAPE IS AUTHENTIC

KID ROCK ARRESTED AFTER WAFFLE HOUSE BRAWL OVER PAMELA ANDERSON, HOME FRIES

 

HILLARY CLINTON TO SOFTEN IMAGE WITH STARRING ROLE IN BABY EINSTEIN VIDEO

BUSH VETOES CONGRESSIONAL SPENDING BILL THAT INCLUDES SEN. REID'S WEEKLY PAY

 

DAVID COPPERFIELD ATTEMPTS AZTEC TOMB DISAPPEARANCE AFTER RAPE ACCUSATION

MANNY RAMIREZ 'DISTRACTED' BY LACK OF BOOS DURING AT-BAT

 

GLOBAL WARMING-INDUCED LIGHT DRIZZLE RAVISHES MIDWEST TOWN

CRIMINAL RIGHTS LOBBY INSISTS DEATH ROW INMATES BE SEDATED BEFORE ADMINISTRATION OF NEW LETHAL LAUGHING GAS

 

CONGRESS OUTPACES BUSH IN RACE TO COVETED SINGLE-DIGIT APPROVAL RATING

 

NY PUBLIC SCHOOL FIFTH GRADER AVOIDS SUSPENSION WHEN SUSPECTED FLINTSTONE VITAMIN TURNS OUT ONLY TO BE BIRTH CONTROL PILL

AL GORE EYES U.S. PRESIDENCY AS STEPPING STONE TO GLOBAL ANTICHRIST OF REVELATIONS

BRITISH HEALTH SYSTEM TO SEEK CURE FOR ITS AILMENTS IN THE U.S.

LIBYA WINS SEAT ON U.N. SECURITY COUNCIL, GETS INVITE TO AL GORE NOBEL PRIZE PARTY

PENTAGON PREPARED TO ANNOUNCE VICTORY OVER DEMOCRATS IN IRAQ

AL GORE'S PRIVATE GULFSTREAM IV JET GOES GREEN WITH NEW ENERGY EFFICIENT LIGHTBULBS

DON IMUS TO DEBUT ON WABC RADIO WITH 24 HOUR DELAY

NEWSWEEK EXPLORES 'MAGICAL MARRIAGES' OF HOLLYWOOD COUPLES, BILL AND HILLARY CLINTON

POPE MOBILE ARMORED-UP TO PROTECT PONTIFF FROM CRAZY X-GIRLFRIEND

 

NANCY PELOSI IMITATES BAD PHONE CONNECTION SOUND EFFECT DURING INTERVIEW QUESTION ABOUT CONGRESS' APPROVAL RATING

 

BARACK OBAMA ARRIVES IN BLACK FACE TO SPEAK TO GEORGIA'S NAACP CHAPTER

 

SEN. CLINTON REJECTS OFFER TO BE LYNDON LAROUCHE'S VEEP

 

IRONIC FASHION AD CONFUSES REPUBLICAN MAGAZINE SUBSCRIBERS

BONO SET TO CLAIM RESPONSIBILITY FOR EVENTUAL ERADICATION OF AIDS VIRUS, WORLD HUNGER

GLOBAL COOLING SCIENTISTS OF THE 70'S GIVE NOBEL COMMITTEE SILENT TREATMENT

JOHN EDWARDS COURTS CLINTON SUPPORTERS WITH LEAKED RUMORS OF HIS SORDID AFFAIR

WALTER MONDALE SET TO STIFLE HILLARY CLINTON'S PRESIDENTIAL HOPES WITH HIS ENDORSEMENT

SEN. CLINTON SEEKS TO REMOVE GENEVA CONVENTION RIGHTS FROM GOP FOES

NOBEL PEACE PRIZE COMMITTEE: 'WITHOUT AL GORE, WE'D ALL BE AT WAR'

SECRET SERVICE AGENT LEAVES HILLARY CLINTON'S SIDE FOR 'SAFER JOB' IN ABANDONED MINE SHAFT

BRITNEY SPEARS FINDS PREVIOUSLY UNDISCOVERED LEVEL BENEATH ROCK BOTTOM

TROPICAL STORM WEAKENS DESPITE ENCOURAGEMENT FROM AL GORE

 

ECSTATIC HOME SELLER OFFLOADS HOUSE FOR TWO iPODS AND BOX OF WINE

 

SEN. EDWARDS INSISTS CANDIDACY IS 'STILL VIABLE', CITES 19 NEW MYSPACE FRIENDS

 

BARACK OBAMA JOINS AL QUEDA AND BEFRIENDS JOE LIEBERMAN TO APPEAL TO BOTH ENDS OF DEMOCRAT VOTING BASE

 

OPRAH SPLURGES ON SHOPPING SPREE, PURCHASES CHANEL HANDBAG, YVES ST LAURENT PERFUME, GENERAL MOTORS

 

OBAMA'S NEW MESSAGE OF 'HOPE' FOCUSES ON DESIRE FOR POLLS TO CHANGE IN HIS FAVOR

 

NON-CANDIDATE ELIZABETH KUCINICH TRUMPS HUSBAND IN POLLS FOR THIRD STRAIGHT WEEK

 

DARK HORSE CANDIDATE 'SOMEONE ELSE' WINS GOP PERSONALITY POLL

 

J-LO PREGNANCY RUMORS SET TO BUMP BRITNEY SPEARS FROM TOP SPOT ON CNN.COM'S 'INTERNATIONAL NEWS' SECTION

BARACK OBAMA CALLS BLACK SEPARATIST PAST 'AN INNOCENT OVERSIGHT IN MY YOUNGER YEARS'

APPLE STOCK DROPS AFTER DEATH TOLL RISES FROM OVERHEATING iPODS

LIBERALS ATTACK BUSH FOR APPROVING 'VISCIOUS INTERROGATION METHODS' INCLUDING DETENTION, TIME-OUTS, AND QUESTIONING

CRICKETS INTERRUPT FRED THOMPSON APPLAUSE LINE PAUSE

KEVIN FEDERLINE'S ENTOURAGE OF HANGER-ONERS AND WANNABES PLEDGE TO BE 'GOOD DADDIES' TO BRIT'S KIDS

 

TROPHY WIFE LIFTED ABOVE FRED THOMPSON'S HEAD, KISSED FOR THE CAMERAS

 

SEN. REID PLEDGES TROOP SURGE IN WAR AGAINST RUSH LIMBAUGH

 

FIRE DEPARTMENT ENFORCES MAXIMUM CAPACITY CODE AT HOTEL MEETING OF SHAR JACKSON'S BABIES' DADDIES

 

SEN. McCAIN TAPS LAST WILLING FAMILY MEMBER FOR LUNCH MONEY

 

WESLEY CLARK SUGGESTS SWAPPING LIMBAUGH FOR AL FRANKEN ON ARMED SERVICES RADIO FOR 'TROOP MORALE'

ANITA HILL TO SERVE AS DEFENSE ADVISOR FOR 'OBVIOUSLY INNOCENT' ISAIAH THOMAS'

INEXPERIENCED OBAMA ACCIDENTALLY WRITES 'HEFTY' CHECK TO CLINTON CAMPAIGN, SETS FUNDRAISING RECORD FOR HER

NEW HORROR MOVIE TO FEATURE HILLARY'S HYENA LAUGH

DEMOCRATS PLEDGE TO 'CONTINUE THE FIGHT' DESPITE DROP IN IRAQ DEATHS

LAWMAKER VISIBLE IN BACKGROUND OF PRESIDENTIAL PHOTO OP USES PIC TO SHOWCASE HIS POWERFUL STATUS

 

DYED BEARD LANDS BIN LADEN TOP HONORS AT CANNES FASHION FESTIVAL

 

KEITH OLBERMANN ASKED TO TURN OVER BLUE GAP SUIT COAT AFTER INTERVIEW WITH BILL CLINTON

POLL: HALF OF AMERICANS SHOCKED TO FIND OUT CLINTON CANDIDACY IS 'REAL'; MOST THOUGHT THEY WERE BEING PUNKED

PARIS HILTON TO FIGHT RWANDAN STARVATION WITH SERIES OF PHOTO OPS

BILL CLINTON ADMITS INHALATION AT SNOOP DOG BIRTHDAY PARTY

DUCT TAPE, BAND-AID SALES SOAR ON FEARS OF THERMONUCLEAR APOCOLYPSE

MODERATE DEMOCRATS URGE 'PHASED REDEPLOYMENT' OF MOVEON.ORG MEDIA TEAM

'MISERY' SAGA UNFOLDS AS JOHN McCAIN FORCES RICK WARREN TO PEN 'PURPOSE DRIVEN CANDIDACY'

 

BILL CLINTON AND AL GORE MEND RELATIONSHIP AFTER EIGHT YEAR SEPARATION

LIBERALS URGE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT TO ADDRESS 'PHENOMENON OF HETEROSEXUALITY' IN U.S.

MICHAEL VICK TO 'FEMINIZE' IMAGE TO COURT METROSEXUAL JURY, HIRES SEN. EDWARDS' SALONIST

DRUDGE : BUSH QUIETLY RUNNING CLINTON PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN

TED KENNEDY'S SPEECHWRITER ACCIDENTALLY FALLS OUT OF AHMADINEJAD'S ATTACHE CASE

COLUMBIA STUDENTS SHOUT DOWN SILENT BUSH SUPPORTER LISTENING TO AHMADINEJAD SPEECH

COLUMBIA PREZ BOLLINGER SAVES FACE, CALLS AHMADINEJAD 'JUST AN OK GUY'

DAN RATHER RAILS AGAINST CBS' RIGHT-WING BIAS

HILLARY CLINTON SLIPS WITH CABINET PREVIEW: 'IT'S A BUNCH OF PEOPLE YOU'LL HATE'

 

CASTRO VIDEO PROVES HE'S ALIVE AND WELL ON PLANET EARTH

 

APPLE TO INTRODUCE MUSIC PLAYING, WEB BROWSING, TEXT MESSAGING DEVICE FITTED WITH VOICE-BASED COMMUNICATION ABILITY

SPINELESS GOP LAWMAKERS BEGRUDGINGLY ACCEPT 'REGRESSIVES' MONIKER

MRS. JOHN EDWARDS PROTECTS HUSBAND FROM MALL HOOLIGANS

 

SNOOP DOG OFFICIALLY CHANGES PRIMARY RESIDENCE TO SANTA ANA COURTHOUSE

 

SEN. SCHUMER (D-NY) OFFERS TO CATER AHMADINEJAD'S WREATH-LAYING EVENT GROUND ZERO

MEDIA EXPOSURE FROM TASER INCIDENT HAS SEN. KERRY BACK ON BOTOX, EYE LINER

O.J. HEADS BACK TO FL TO CONTINUE SEARCH FOR NICOLE'S KILLER IN MIAMI BEACH NIGHTCLUBS

FORMER WHITE HOUSE INTERN'S BOYFRIEND'S WIFE HILLARY CLINTON'S CAMPAIGN RIPS GIULIANI'S 'INABILITY TO COMMIT TO ONE WOMAN'

 

JENA 6 PROTEST CROWD SETS SIGHTS ON FREEING CHARLES MANSON

 

NYPD OFFERS AHMADINEJAD HANNIBAL LECTER GURNEY FOR GROUND ZERO VISIT

CONGRESSIONAL APPROVAL RATING SURPASSED BY FAVORABILITY OF NEW COKE

SIMPSON'S BAIL CONDITIONS INCLUDE SURRENDER OF PASSPORT, FAKE MUSTACHE AND WHITEFACE PAINT

O.J. ATTORNEY EXITS COURTHOUSE IN OSCAR DE LA RENTA, IS WALKING TOWARD SUV... DETAILS TO COME

BARACK OBAMA EVENT CROWDS THIN AS 'FREE O.J.' CROWD MIGRATES TO VEGAS FOR TRIAL

HIMALAYAN MOUNTAINS SCOURED FOR UNBIASED O.J. JURORS

VEGAS POLICE REBUFF O.J.'S REQUEST TO HAVE ANNIE LEIBOVITZ TAKE MUG SHOT

O.J. INSTRUCTS ATTORNEYS TO ANGLE FOR LIFE IN PRISON AT CHIC WHITE COLLAR GOLF CLUB DETENTION ESTATE

 

MAN SHOT DEAD BY POLICE AFTER ASKING SEN. KERRY ABOUT TAZING INCIDENT

 

BUSH TO ACCLIMATE AMERICANS TO HILLARY HEALTHCARE BY DOUBLING TAXES IN LAST TERM

BIN LADEN'S NEW 'OSAMACARE' TERROR PROGRAM IS BAD TIMING FOR BARACK OBAMA'S HEALTHCARE PLAN ROLLOUT

 

RAPPER KAYNE WEST COMPLAINS ABOUT LACK OF EMMY NOMINATIONS, SAYS 'TV PRODUCERS HATE BLACK PEOPLE'

 

McCAIN SPOKESVOLUNTEER: LOST STREETWALKERS WANDERING INTO CAMPAIGN EVENTS WILL BE COUNTED AS ATTENDEES

 

TWELVE PGA PROFESSIONALS CONCEDE REST OF TOUR TO TIGER

 

DEMOCRATS ATTACK, BASH, AND CRITICIZE REPUBLICANS FOR A BUNCH OF STUFF

 

SEN. CLINTON RESPONDS TO GIULIANI COMMERCIAL WITH WEEPING AND GNASHING OF TEETH

 

HILLARY CLINTON TO PROPOSE FREE HEALTHCARE TO HYPER-OVERTAXED GOVERNMENT SLAVES

RATINGS-POOR MSNBC ATTEMPTS TO BAIT O.J. INTO BRONCO CHASE SEQUEL

O.J. SIMPSON SLITHERS BACK INTO NEWS CYCLE WITH THEFT OF O.J. SIMPSON MEMORABILIA

McDONALD'S COMMITS TO LEAD-FREE BIG MACS BY 2012

BRITNEY SPEARS DROPPED FROM ANNUAL BEST UNDRESSED LIST

DEMOCRATS ATTACK BUSH ON SPEECH TO BE GIVEN LATER TONIGHT

 

NEWT GINGRICH MULLS DECISION TO WIN GOP NOMINATION

BRITNEY SPEARS CALLS BUSH 'FAT AND INCOMPETENT', SAVES FLOUNDERING CAREER

CNN.COM FINDS SPOT FOR HSU SCANDAL COVERAGE ON ANNOYING POP-UP BANNER

DEMOCRATS PAUSE TO REMEMBER 9-11 CONSPIRACY THEORIES

DEMOCRATS BASH NEW BIN LADEN VIDEO AS 'TOO PRO-AMERICAN'

GENERAL PETRAEUS DELIVERED ANTACID TO DEMOCRATS BEFORE IRAQ REPORT

HYPE OVER OBAMA CANDIDACY NEARS 'HOWARD DEAN LEVELS'

KEITH OLBERMANN ON 'FOOTBALL NIGHT ON NBC': BUSH SURGE IN IRAQ IS A FAILURE

 

NEW BIN LADEN VIDEO LANDS CANNES 'BEST PICTURE' NOD

HOMELAND SECURITY MONITORING SYSTEM JAMMED BY 'TRIGGER TERMS' IN NEAL BOORTZ EMAILS TO BRUCE BARTLETT

MADE-IN-CHINA ITEMS RECALLED INCLUDE POLLY POCKET, BARBIE, AND HILLARY CLINTON

FRED THOMPSON SHOCKS LENO AUDIENCE WITH WHITE HOUSE BID ANNOUNCEMENT

KEITH RICHARDS PUTS ON ANOTHER 50 YEARS

SEN. BROWNBACK TAKES SECOND TO ANSWER QUESTIONS FROM EVERY SINGLE ATTENDEE AT LATEST EVENT

 

THOUSANDS OF LIVES RUINED, CREATED WITH FAULTY CHINESE CONDOMS

 

SEN. CRAIG RECONSIDERS LEAVING SENATE BATHROOM STALL

SERBIAN 26 YR OLD EXILED FOR NOT BEING WORLD CLASS TENNIS CHAMPION

HILLARY CLINTON'S AND JAY LENO'S SPEECHWRITING TEAMS SUCCESSFUL IN SHOWCASING CANDIDATE'S 'HUMOROUS HUMAN SIDE'

SEN. CRAIG TO RESIGN, MOVE TO SAN FRANCISCO OR SOUTH BEACH

SEN. CLINTON BREAKS CONTRIBUTIONS RECORD AFTER ALLEYWAY FUNDRAISER

SEN. LARRY CRAIG: 'I PLEADED GUILTY TO SOLICITING GAY SEX BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT PEOPLE TO THINK I WAS GAY'

HILLARY CLINTON: 'I DRAGGED ON, BUT DIDN'T INHALE THE MARIJUANA CIGARETTE THAT BILL PASSED TO ME'

BUSH SHOCKED BY ATTACKS FROM CLINTON, HOLLYWOODERS AT MASSACHUSETTS EVENT

 

TERROR DRILL PREPS NYPD FOR EVENTUAL ATTACK BY WHITE SUPREMICIST TERROR GROUPS

FRED THOMPSON TO RELEASE WHITE HOUSE BID ANNOUNCEMENT ON BETAMAX TAPE

 

KENNEDY FAMILY CELEBRATES RECORD THIRD STRAIGHT ARREST-FREE DAY

SLOWDOWN IN USAGE OF MALE HORMONE REDUCER SENDS JOHN EDWARDS' INVESTMENT PORTFOLIO TUMBLING

O.J. SIMPSON TO MICHAEL VICK: 'YOU SHOULD HAVE PLEAD INNOCENT AND PROMISED TO SEARCH FOR THE REAL DOG ABUSERS IN MIAMI'S NIGHTCLUBS'

BARAK OBAMA ACCUSED OF PANDERING TO MINORITIES AFTER GIVING HARLEM SPEECH IN BLACK FACE

CONGRESS GIVES AMERICAN PUBLIC 10% APPROVAL RATING

DEMOCRATICUNDERGROUND.COM CRITICIZED FOR JOINING RUSSIA AND CHINA IN JOINT MILITARY EXCERCISES

DENNIS KUCINICH CELEBRATES FIRST SALE FROM SECOND LIFE CAMPAIGN BUTTON SHOP

POLL: CONGRESS' APPROVAL RATING JUMPS UP TO ZERO

VIAGRA ERECTION CONCERN LIMIT INCREASED TO 40 HOURS

JOHN EDWARDS CHOKES ON POLLY POCKET DOLL, BLAMES BUSH

MATTEL RECALLS BARAK OBAMA'S FOREIGN POLICY ACUMEN

McCAIN OFFERS VEEP SPOT TO ROVE IN EXCHANGE FOR PLANNING WHITE HOUSE WIN

McDONALDS BOARD REJECTS PLAN TO KILL FEWER CUSTOMERS

SEN. BROWNBACK FINISHES THIRD IN STRAW POLL DESPITE BUSSING IN SUPPORTER

McCAIN PUTS SPINNERS ON CAMPAIGN BUS TO COURT MINORITY VOTE

STRICT ENFORCEMENT OF NEW FUEL EFFICIENCY STANDARDS MAY TRAP SHUTTLE IN SPACE

BUSH FINALLY GIVEN CREDIT FOR DOW PERFORMANCE

DENNIS KUCINICH TO DROP WHITE HOUSE BID, MOVE BACK INTO CAR

 

HURRICANE EXPERTS DROP STORM FORECASTS FROM 95 TO 3

BARRY BONDS ALLEGEDLY STEROID-FREE FOR RECORD BREAKING HOME RUN

MITT ROMNEY'S TAN GIVES HIM EDGE AT GOP DEBATE

 

DEMS, GOP BLAME EACH OTHER FOR BRIDGE COLLAPSE

JOHN EDWARDS: INCREASE IN MYSPACE FRIENDS PROVES CAMPAIGN'S VIABILITY

OBAMA: I WILL INVADE PAKISTAN IF ELECTED

CASTRO TURNS OVER REIGNS OF POWER TO PUPPET BROTHER

HILLARY CLINTON'S CLEAVAGE SURGES IN POLL

GLOBAL WARMING SPAWNS TROPICAL DEPRESSION SET TO BATTER NORTH POLE

FEMINISTS FAIL TO CRITICIZE HILLARY CLINTON FOR LETTING BOOBS HANG OUT IN SENATE CHAMBER

RELIEF AS GAS PRICES PLUMMET TO 3RD CENT DECREASE IN AS MANY WEEKS

 

BUSH MEETS NEW BRITISH PRIME MINISTER, PRETENDS TO LIKE HIM AS MUCH AS BLAIR

 

NASA IMPLEMENTS DESIGNATED DRIVER PROGRAM FOR SPACE SHUTTLE

DENNIS KUCINICH PUTS PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN ON HOLD TO ATTEND SAN FRAN COMIC BOOK CONVENTION

ROMNEY CRITICIZES OBAMA'S DESIRE TO BED TYRANNICAL DICTATORS, ENDORSES SEN. CLINTON

 

BUSH'S WARRANTLESS 'SPY PROGRAM' NETS PHILANDERING LIBRARIAN IN WICHITA

LINDSAY LOHAN'S PUBLICIST DIES FROM EXHAUSTION AT AGE 34

OBAMA BACKPEDALS, SAYS DISCUSSIONS WITH ANTI-AMERICAN TYRANTS 'MAY INCLUDE A LOT OF YELLING'

JOHN EDWARDS CLAIMS HE'S 'WOMAN ENOUGH' TO BE PRESIDENT

LINDSAY LOHAN ARRESTED DUI WITH COKE, HEROIN, METH AND POT AGAIN

TALKING SNOWMAN WINS YOUTUBE DEBATE

 

DENNIS KUCINICH REVEALS $75 NET WORTH DURING YOUTUBE DEBATE

DAVID AND VICTORIA BECKHAM APPROACH L.A. MARRIAGE LENGTH RECORD

REPORT: PENTAGON USING WAR ON TERROR AS RECRUITING TOOL

CUBA FINALLY GETS NEWS OF MOON LANDING

 

NY TIMES RETRACTS HARRY POTTER LEAK AFTER REALIZATION THAT NATIONAL DEFENSE WASN'T COMPROMISED

 

DEMS FEAR CHENEY PLANS TO COLONIZE MORE OIL-RICH COUNTRIES DURING BUSH COLONOSCOPY

BUSH RECESSION EXPLODES TO RECORD HIGHS

BUSH KNOCKS NATIONAL INTELLIGENCE ESTIMATE FOR FAILING TO IDENTIFY 'INCREASING THREAT FROM CONGRESS'

BUSH ENDORSES CREATION OF PALESTINIAN TERRORIST STATE

AL QUEDA MILITANTS EXHAUSTED AFTER LATE-NIGHT TACTICS DEBATE

'NONE OF THE ABOVE' GAINS IN GOP POLLS, MAYOR GUILIANI CLOSE SECOND

HILLARY DENIES KNOWLEDGE OF JUANITA BRODDERICK AND 'THAT GUY' BILL CLINTON

DEMS ATTRIBUTE RECENT DOW SURGE TO ECONOMIC POLICIES OF CARTER, CLINTON ADMINS

JOHN McCAIN BOUNCES CHECK DRAWN TO PAY FOR AD IN THE THRIFTY NICKEL CLASSIFIEDS MAG

REMAINING McCAIN STAFF MEMBER INSISTS RAMEN-NOODLE-ONLY DIET WAS HIS CHOICE

 

SOCCER FAILS TO GO MAINSTREAM IN U.S. DESPITE ARRIVAL OF POSH SPICE

 

DENNIS KUCINICH ENRAGED AT CLINTON-EDWARDS PLAN TO BAR 'INSIGNIFICANT LOSERS' FROM PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES

SIZE OF BECKHAMS ARRIVAL HYPE NEARS MICHAEL MOORE WEIGHT LEVELS

McCAIN DENIES MONEY WOES, SAYS CARPOOLING ON BICYCLES IS 'MY STAFF'S CONTRIBUTION TO ENVIRONMENT CARE'

 

CNN: CLINTON ECONOMIC POLICIES EFFECT 300 POINT DOW GAIN

 

NEWS OF PENDING AL QUEDA DOOMSDAY ATTACK INTERFERES WITH PARIS HILTON MAKEOVER COVERAGE

SEN. CLINTON CLAIMS MOTHER CHOSE NAME 'AFTER SIR EDMUND HILLARY AND HER SUMMITTED EVEREST TOGETHER'

 

LIVE EARTH SUCCEEDS IN RAISING AWARENESS OF PRIVATE JET EXHAUST IMPACT

ROBERT KENNEDY JR. SUGGESTS DEATH PENALTY FOR 'TRAITORS' LIMBAUGH, HANNITY, BECK

VATICAN: JESUS CHRIST 'WOUNDED' BY PROTESTANTS' REFUSAL TO WORSHIP POPE

 

SEN. McCAIN DENIES ELECTION BID IS ON THE ROCKS; SAYS 'A LOT OF CAMPAIGNS FILE RESTRAINING ORDERS AGAINST THEIR CANDIDATE'

UNSEASONABLE SNOW INTERRUPTS GLOBAL WARMING EVENT AGAIN

MADONNA DITCHES TRENDY KARBALA RELIGION TO PRACTICE 'ALGOREISM'

LIVE EARTH CONCERT VIEWERSHIP DWARFED BY M.A.S.H. RE-RUNS

JOHN EDWARDS BEAUTY SALON COSTS NEAR BILL CLINTON HUSH MONEY LEVELS

TIGER WOOD'S NEW BODYBUILDER PHYSIQUE ADVERSELY AFFECTING GOLF SKILLS

BOEING'S NEW JET TO CARRY RECORD NUMBER OF POTENTIAL TERROR VICTIMS

NETWORKS ON HIGH ALERT AS IMUS AMASSES TROOPS AT THE BORDER

DENNIS KUCINICH CELEBRATES 100TH SUPPORTER, NOT EXCLUDING CAMPAIGN STAFF, FAMILY, FRIEND

APPLE WARNS OF 'POSSIBLE, BUT MINOR' THIRD DEGREE BURNS AND HEAD INJURIES FROM iPHONE USE

GORE RELIEVED THAT WESTERN HEAT WAVE ISN'T RECORD COLD FRONT AGAIN

CNN INTERRUPTS iPHONE COVERAGE TO DECRY 'LACK OF REAL NEWS'

HILLARY CLINTON'S MYSPACE PAGE FULL OF POSTS FROM SUPPORTERS THAT THINK SHE KNOWS SHE HAS A MYSPACE PAGE

 

DENNIS KUCINICH BOTHERED BY BUSH'S BLOOD-FOR-OIL IRAQ STRATEGY

 

SEN. EDWARDS MULLS $500 HEAD SHAVE TO ESCAPE PRICEY HAIRCUT CONTROVERSY

iPHONE OWNERS FINDING INNOVATIVE WAYS TO SHOWCASE iPHONE OWNERSHIP

MEDIOCRE INCREASE IN MOSQUE MEMBERSHIPS HAILED AS 'A SUCCESS IN THE WAR ON TERROR'

L.A. REHAB CENTER FINED FOR SERVING ALCOHOL TO UNDERAGE LINDSAY LOHAN

NY MAYOR BLOOMBERG IGNITES PRESIDENTIAL BID RUMORS WITH NATIONAL BAN ON KEY LIME PIE SUGGESTION

APPLE TO SELL FIRST iPHONE FROM BETHLEHEM MANGER

AL GORE, MICHAEL MOORE LEAD IN DEM POLL

EARTHQUAKES, WEATHER PATTERNS, WARS AND RUMORS OF WARS COINCIDENTALLY SIMILAR TO BIBLE FABLES

PARIS HILTON'S LARRY KING APPEARANCE SET TO BOOST LAGGING TV SEASON

FRED THOMPSON DENIES PRESIDENTIAL ASPIRATIONS, CALLS PRESS CONFERENCE NEXT WEEK IN NASHVILLE TO ANNOUNCE WHITE HOUSE BID

PAPARAZZI SCRAMBLES FOR PHOTOS OF CLAY AIKEN'S BABY BUMP

NY TIMES: ISRAEL PLANS COVERT INCURSION INTO GAZA ON THURSDAY AROUND NOON

 

RICHARD GERE FINALLY LANDS FIRST BUDDHIST CONVERT

BUSH, CHERTOFF AGREE ON ADDITIONAL 14 FEET OF BORDER FENCE

PALESTINIAN PRESIDENT ABBAS GIVES GREEN LIGHT FOR CAPTURED FATAH FIGHTERS TO 'BEGIN FIGHTING BACK'

SEN. REID: WAR IN IRAN IS A FAILURE

STEVEN SPIELBERG USES FUNDRAISER FOR OBAMA TO ANNOUNCE SUPPORT FOR CLINTON

ISRAEL EXCHANGES GOLAN HEIGHTS FOR PIECE OF PIE

ISRAELI CIVIL LIBERTIES UNION: NEW SPY SATELLITE VIOLATES IRANIAN PRIVACY

PARIS HILTON TO NO LONGER 'ACT DUMB', WILL USE PRISON LIBRARY RESOURCES TO PURSUE PREVIOUSLY ELUSIVE 8TH GRADE DIPLOMA

L.A. NIGHTLIFE CROWD PRESSURES BUSH TO PARDON PARIS HILTON

VERMONT DENIED G8 MEMBERSHIP

WESLEY SNIPES: 'FEDS ARE TAXING ME BECAUSE I'M BLACK'

EVEREST EXPEDITION SET BACK BY 'HEIGHT OF THE MOUNTAIN' AND 'CRAZY AMOUNTS OF SNOW AND ICE'

CINDY SHEEHAN TREATED IN CUBAN HOSPITAL FOR ADDICTION TO HUGO CHAVEZ

BONO THREATENS TO REMOVE SUNGLASSES AGAIN AT G8 IF POVERTY NOT ERADICATED

PARIS HILTON: TRIP BACK TO JAIL IS 'DOUBLE JEOPARDY'

CNN INTERRUPTS G8 COVERAGE WITH PARIS HILTON POLICE TRANSPORT TRAFFIC LIGHT STOP

BBC BREAKING: BONO REMOVES GLASSES AT G8 SUMMIT

TORRENTIAL DOWNPOUR OF ANTI-HILLARY BOOKS RATTLES WASHINGTON D.C. CLIMATE STABILITY

SEN. CLINTON: FLORIDA PASTOR ASSAULTED MY PERSONAL SPACE WITH UNSCRIPTED ABORTION QUESTION

 

DENNIS KUCINICH (DEMOCRAT-U.S.) LAUNCHES CAMPAIGN SITES ON PRODIGY, COMPUSERVE

HOT NEW BOTOXED HILLARY HITS CAMPAIGN TRAIL, WOOS MALE FRATERNITY JOCK VOTE

JOHN EDWARDS PLEDGES TO SPEND MORE TIME AT FAMILY'S SMALLER NANTUCKET COMPOUND, TO 'EXPERIENCE HOW THE LESS FORTUNATE LIVE'

HILLARY CLINTON OUTS SELF AS RELIGIOUS, ACKNOWLEDGES A 'POWER OF GREATER SIGNIFICANCE THAN MYSELF'

HILLARY CLINTON BLAMES RESCUE FROM MARITAL STRIFE ON GOD

CINDY SHEEHAN ENJOYS SUN-DRENCHED WEEKEND AT CASTRO'S

AREA QUICKIE MART ASSISTANT MANAGER REJECTS OFFER TO COACH ORLANDO MAGIC

 

PRISON OFFICIALS SCORE AUTOGRAPHED PARIS HILTON BOOKING PHOTO

NEW YORK TIMES: WILLIAM JEFFERSON (CONGRESS-LOUISIANA) INDICTMENT REMINISCENT OF REPUBLICAN SCANDALS

MIKE GRAVEL FAILS TO REACH 1% IN POLLS DESPITE COLORFUL NEW FAQ PAGE ON CAMPAIGN SITE

 

FRED THOMPSON RUNNING FOR WHITE HOUSE TO BRING ATTENTION TO FRIEND'S FRED THOMPSON BOOK

EXPERT: HOT AIR FROM DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGNS CONTRIBUTING TO GLOBAL CLIMATE CRISIS

DENNIS KUCINICH BLAMES NEGATIVE DIGIT POLL NUMBERS ON 'CAMPAIGN CLIMATE CHANGE'

BUSH TAPS HILLARY CLINTON TO RUN THE WORLD BANK 'FOR THE NEXT DECADE OR SO'

TB MAN SEEKS TREATMENT, PLEADS WITH U.S. OFFICIALS FOR PASSAGE TO CUBA

POLICE: VANILLA ICE DUI WAS ATTEMPT TO REVIVE FAILED CAREER

NANCY PELOSI RETURNS FROM GREENLAND: 'THERE WAS FEWER CARIBOU, MORE ICE, AND A NOTICEABLY HIGHER LEVEL OF OZONE SINCE MY LAST VISIT'

MICHELLE OBAMA DEFENDS DECISION TO LEAVE CAREER, SAYS 'A WOMAN'S PLACE IS ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL'

CANNES FILM FESTIVAL AWARDS SUBTITLED 'DARK COMEDY' GAY ANTI-BUSH SLASHER FILM TOP HONORS

 

SHOCKING NEW BOOK ALLEGES BILL CLINTON INFEDELITIES

 

PETA URGES 'MORE HUMANE TREATMENT' OF ROSIE O'DONNELL

'THE VIEW' RETURNS TO NORMAL VOLUME, WEIGHT LEVELS

U.N. APPLAUDS IRAN FOR PLEDGE TO 'DISOBEY MORE DIPLOMATICALLY'

 

ROSALYN CARTER FINDS HUSBAND'S REMAINING CREDIBILITY AMONG LINT IN TROUSER POCKET

PEACEFUL STRIP: CASUALTIES SLOW TO 'A BUNCH' IN GAZA TODAY

BUSH MOCKS BUMPER STICKER SLOGAN 'EDWARDS FOR PRESIDENT'

IRAN TO IAEA: NEW 10 MEGATON NUCLEAR MISSILES ARE INTENDED TO MEET COUNTRY'S ENERGY NEEDS

TAYLOR HICK'S AMERICAN IDOL CROWN REVOKED AFTER BORING PRE-RESULTS SHOW INTERVIEW PERFORMANCE

 

BUSH TO EASE GAS CONCERNS BY TELLING AMERICANS ABOUT EUROPEAN PETROL PRICES

IRAN IGNORES IAEA CALL TO HALT URANIUM ENRICHMENT; U.N. URGES RESTRAINT, CONDEMNS ISRAEL

REPUBLICANS MANAGE TO GET ADDITIONAL FOUR FEET ADDED TO PROPOSED BORDER FENCE

BUSH: IMMIGRATION BILL WILL PROMOTE U.S. 'MULTICOUNTRYISM'

PUBLIC DISPLAY OF MEMORIAL DAY DECORATIONS PROMPTS ACLU LAWSUIT

FRED THOMPSON'S REQUEST FOR SECRET SERVICE PROTECTION ESCALATES CANDIDACY RUMORS

FORBES: OBAMA CANDIDACY SLOWS SALES OF ANTI-HILLARY CLINTON T-SHIRTS, BUMPER STICKERS

DENNIS KUCINICH CALLS PRESS CONFERENCE AFTER SECOND LIFE CHARACTER WINS STRAW POLL

LEONARDO DICAPRIO AND MICHAEL MOORE GAIN ON GORE IN PRESIDENTIAL POLL AMONG 'PROGRESSIVES'

NEW DISCOUNT AIRLINE SKYBUS REQUIRES PASSENGERS TO ASSIST PREPARING FOOD, FUELING AND DE-ICING PLANES

NEW AIR AMERICA WEBSITE TO FEATURE CAFE PRESS T-SHIRT STORE, GOOGLE ADS, AND FONT SIZE ADJUSTMENT TOOL

 

DONALD TRUMP YANKS 'THE APPRENTICE' FROM NBC TO AVOID SHOW FROM BEING AXED LAST WEEK

 

CONCERNED CITIZENS FLOOD DEPT. OF HOMELAND SECURITY WITH ALERTS

CALLS REPORT 'SUSPICIOUS ANTI-AMERICAN BEHAVIOR' IN AND AROUND SENATE CHAMBERS AT U.S. CAPITOL

SHOCK JOCK RUSH LINBAUGH REFUSES TO APOLOGIZE FOR EXCHANGING PLEASANTRIES WITH FORMER PRESIDENT CLINTON DURING CHANCE MEETING

MEDIA STARS JOIN CNN TO CELEBRATE LARRY KING'S 100TH YEAR ON THE AIR

JOHN TRAVOLTA THREATENS SCIENTOLOGY DETRACTOR WITH 'THE WRATH OF XENU, OUR ALIEN FATHER'

BRITAIN'S PRINCE HARRY YANKED FROM IRAQ WAR ASPIRATIONS; BRITISH GOV SAYS HARRY'S INEVITABLE DEATH WOULD BE 'BAD FOR THIS COUNTRY'

 

RON PAUL CLARIFIES 9-11 POSITION: 'IT WAS OUR FAULT, BUT AT LEAST WE DIDN'T CARRY OUT THE ATTACK... THE JEWS DID'

 

MIKE HUCKABEE ON EDWARDS JAB: MY WRITERS WOULDN'T LET ME SWAP 'BEAUTY SHOP' WITH 'BATH HOUSE'

 

HILLARY FOR PRESIDENT CAMPAIGN STAFF HUDDLES TO DRAFT SEN. CLINTON'S FEELINGS ON FALWELL PASSING

 

HILLARY CLINTON CALLS ON SENATE FOR VOTE TO REVOKE HER WAR VOTE

 

DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES AND JOHN McCAIN HEAP PRAISE ON 'AGENT OF INTOLERANCE' JERRY FALWELL

 

JOHN EDWARDS FROM IOWA CHURCH PULPIT: 'RELIGION HAS HIJACKED THE REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES'

 

WOMAN PRESUMPTUOUSLY REACHES BENEATH CHAIR AT OPRAH SHOW TAPING, FINDS NOTHING

 

PARIS HILTON'S PSYCHIATRIST: HEIRESS SUFFERING FROM SEVERE EMOTIONAL STRESS OVER THOUGHT OF HAVING TO THINK ABOUT PRISON

 

BUSH PREEMPTS DEMOCRATS, APOLOGIZES FOR SINKING ALASKAN CRUISE SHIP

LIBERALS COMPLAIN OF CHENEY'S 'INTOLERANT ANTI-IRAN RHETORIC'

SEN. OBAMA FAULTS BUSH FOR 'THE BILLIONS DEAD IN KANSAS FROM THAT NUCLEAR ATTACK'

CHRIS DODD OVERDRAWS CAMPAIGN ACCOUNT WITH GAS AND SOFT DRINK PURCHASE

 

SECRET SERVICE DELEGATES PROTECTION OF CANDIDATE JOHN EDWARDS TO LOCAL GIRL SCOUTS DEN

MICHAEL MOORE OFFERS TO PUT PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE DENNIS KUCINICH 'OUT OF HIS MISERY' WITH ENDORSEMENT

ANTICIPATION MOUNTS AS FRED THOMPSON EXPECTED TO NOT ANNOUNCE CANDIDACY DURING SPEECH TODAY

ROGER CLEMENS SIGNS WITH YANKEES, REJECTS 'SUBSTANTIAL SALARY OFFER' TO PITCH FOR GOOGLE'S COMPANY TEAM

ELECTION VICTORY FOR FRANCE'S PRO-AMERICAN SARKOZY LEADS U.S. DEMOCRATS TO LABEL FRANCE AS PART OF 'AXIS OF EVIL'

PARIS HILTON SENTENCED TO 90 DAYS AT MIAMI'S HYATT RESORT

SEN McCAIN: 'I WOULD FOLLOW BIN LADEN, OR HILLARY CLINTON FOR THAT MATTER, TO THE GATES OF HELL'

POTENTIAL CANDIDATE FRED THOMPSON WINS GOP DEBATE

SECRET SERVICE TO GUARD SEN. OBAMA UNDER NEW 'AFFIRMATIVE PROTECTION PROGRAM'

JOHN EDWARDS TO SUPPORTERS: I WILL FORCE CONGRESS TO RETRACT MY WAR VOTE

BUSH SUGGESTS SENATE RESOLUTION DEMANDING TIMETABLE FOR WITHDRAWAL OF DEMOCRATS FROM CONGRESS

 

CASTRO'S CADAVER A NO-SHOW FOR MAYDAY PARADE

CHAUFFEUR ARRESTED FOR DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF TED KENNEDY'S BREATH

 

ALEC BALDWIN FAXES 'SINCERE APOLOGY' MEMORANDUM TO DAUGHTER'S PUBLICIST

 

RICHARD GERE DETAINED IN BANGLADESH FOR KISSING GERBIL

SENS. DODD AND BIDEN INTERRUPT DEMOCRATIC DEBATE WITH COMMENTS, OPINIONS

 

DEMOCRAT'S DEBATE PITS DENNIS KUCINICH AGAINST 'MORE MANLY' HILLARY CLINTON

RANDOM DRAWING FOR STAGE POSITIONS LANDS HILLARY IN OBAMA'S LAP FOR TONIGHT'S DEBATE

'SEVERANCE PACKAGE' FOR DEFECTORS FROM CLINTON'S CAMPAIGN INCLUDES BRAND-NEW PAIR OF CONCRETE SHOES

JOHN McCAIN ATTEMPTS TO BOOST POLL NUMBERS BY ANNOUNCING CANDIDACY AGAIN

CLINTON STRATEGIST TO HILLARY: PLEASE DON'T USE 'BLACK VOICE' IN DEBATE WITH OBAMA

KAZAKHSTAN'S MAYDAY DISPLAY OF TANK FAILS TO CONVINCE WORLD OF ITS SUPERPOWER STATUS

CLINTON CAMPAIGN: SENATOR PLEASED WITH RESPONSE TO 'BLACK VOICE', MAY RELEASE RAP ALBUM

GORE PLANTS RAINFOREST IN SOUTH AMERICA TO OFFSET APRIL'S ENERGY CONSUMPTION AT VACATION COTTAGE

SEN. BIDEN: BUSH'S 'STUBBORN ANTI-TERRORISM STANCE HAS EMBOLDENED THE ENEMY'

IRANIAN PRESIDENT OFFERS BUSH CHANCE TO DISCUSS ANNIHILATION OF ISRAEL 'ONE ON ONE'

HILLARY CLINTON TO YOUNG VOTERS: 'I ENJOY MY PERSONAL CHATS WITH YOU ALL BY GOOGLING TEXT MESSAGES BACK AND FORTH ON YOURTUBE.COM'

 

BARAK OBAMA: 'WE MUST BAN GUNS FROM THE HANDS OF POTENTIAL MASS MURDERERS'

SEN. REID: BUSH'S WAR AGAINST IRAN HAS BEEN LOST

SEN. OBAMA RUBS SHOULDERS WITH REV. SHARPTON, TACKS TO THE BLACK TO WOO MINORITY VOTE

MICHAEL MOORE TO SHERYL CROW: 'IS USING JUST ONE SQUARE OF MY CUSTOM TABLE CLOTH SIZED TOILET PAPER OK?'

SHERYL CROW ASKS ROVE TO PONDER GOV AGENCY TO REGULATE TOILET PAPER USE

SEN. CLINTON: LONG-LOST AFRICAN UNCLE IS REASON FOR '

ALEC BALDWIN TO DAUGHTER: 'I DON'T GIVE A DAMN THAT YOU'RE 12 YEARS OLD OR 5 YEARS OLD OR WHATEVER, I'M GOING TO TEACH YOU A LESSON'

BREAKING: CHO'S GUN PURCHASE DID NOT INCLUDE PLEDGE TO NOT USE WEAPON IN MASS MURDERS

ALEC BALDWIN'S DAUGHTER ASKS WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM OFFICER TO 'DOUBLE UP ON SECURITY'

HILLARY TURNS TO HUMAN PERSONALITY HORMONE TREATMENTS TO BOLSTER POLL NUMBERS

CLINTONS RECORD FOURTH CONSECUTIVE SCANDAL-FREE MONTH

SANJAYA'S RULE OF TERROR ENDS ON AMERICAN IDOL

 

FOX'S AMERICAN IDOL DEBUTS NEW, FATTER PAULA

 

ANTICIPATION MOUNTS AS JOHN McCAIN ANNOUNCES DATE AND TIME HE'LL DECLARE WHITE HOUSE RUN

 

IRAN'S AMADINEJAD OFFERS CONDOLENCES TO VIRGINIA TECH, PLEGES ANNIHILATION OF ISRAEL

EXXON MOBIL CHAIRMAN RAISES EYEBROWS AFTER OFFER TO PERSONALLY FUND IRAQ WAR

NEW CAUTIOUS STANCE TOWARDS 'ODD-ACTING AND WEIRD' INDIVIDUALS LANDS HOWARD DEAN IN UNEMPLOYMENT LINE

NY TIMES: GUNS KILL 30+ PEOPLE AT VIRGINIA TECH

JOHN EDWARDS DEFENDS PRICEY HAIRCUT: SAYS $100 OF $400 TOTAL WAS 'A TIP FOR THE POOR STYLIST AT MY BOUTIQUE'

BUSH BURIED UNDER BLAME FOR HOUSING MARKET COLLAPSE, RISING GAS PRICES, AND VIRGINIA TECH SHOOTINGS

AL QAEDA HR SPOKESMAN: MONSTER.COM AD NETTED 200 TERROR RECRUITS

 

RAPPER EMINEM APOLOGIZES FOR 'VIOLENT, IMUSESQUE LYRICS'

PETA BLASTS CHENEY FOR AIRCRAFT ATTACK ON BIRD

AL SHARPTON: 'THE COUNTRY WILL BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT A STREAM OF HATE SPEECH ON THE RUSH LIMBAUGH, I MEAN DON IMUS SHOW EACH DAY'

 

IMUS MEETS SECRETLY WITH RUTGERS HOS, REQUESTS JOB IN COLLEGE'S ATHLETICS DEPARTMENT

 

CBS RADIO TO IMPLEMENT 7 SECOND DELAY ON IMUS PROGRAM TO PREVENT 'MOUTH MALFUNCTIONS'

AL SHARPTON: RAP LYRICS ARE 'MISUNDERSTOOD BY YOU PEOPLE'

IMUS TO MEET RUTGERS GIRLS AT CHENEY'S UNDISCLOSED LOCATION FOR HIGH LEVEL GROVELING

HOWARD STERN TO 'TURN UP THE SMUT' TO COMPETE WITH IMUS' MEDIA COVERAGE

SEN. OBAMA OFFERS HILLARY CLINTON OPPORTUNITY TO SPEARHEAD 'OVAL OFFICE INTERN FIREWALL' FOR HIS ADMINISTRATION

 

AL SHARPTON CALLS DON IMUS 'AN OVERWEIGHT RACIST BLACK FORMER PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE'

HILLARY CLINTON 'CONCERNED' ABOUT CHELSEA CLINTON DONATION TO OBAMA CAMPAIGN

IRAQ GENERAL: DEMOCRATS' SURGE AGAINST VICTORY IS WORKING AS PLANNED

DENNIS KUCINICH FOR PRESIDENT WEBSITE GETS FIRST HIT

REUTERS REPORTER THINKS HIS ABILITY TO PRONOUCE COMPLEX MUSLIM NAMES MAKES HIM BETTER THAN VIEWERS

MADONNA PLEDGES TO HAVE GEM COLLECTION 'AT LEAST 50% BLOOD DIAMOND FREE BY 2012'

IRAN TO U.N. NUCLEAR COMMISSION: WE'LL HAVE NUKE BY NEXT WEDNESDAY OR THURSDAY

 

HILLARY FUNDRAISING RECORD RIVALS GORE'S BUDDHIST TEMPLE WINDFALL

SKELETAL REMAINS OF MODERN MAN FOUND IN TED KENNEDY'S CARBON FOOTPRINT

BRITS TO IRAN: 'FINE, WE WERE IN YOUR STUPID LITTLE WATERS'

SEN. KENNEDY CELEBRATES 4TH CONSECUTIVE DAY OF SOBRIETY

KARL ROVE CHECKS INTO REHAB AFTER WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS DINNER RAP PERFORMANCE

 

U.N. URGES CAUTION AND RESTRAINT IN CALLS FOR RELEASE OF BRITISH HOSTAGES

 

JOHN EDWARDS OVERDRAWS CAMPAIGN ACCOUNT WITH 7-11 SLURPEE PURCHASE

 

BARAK OBAMA: AMERICA'S REPUTATION BEING JEOPARDIZED BY BUSH, CURRENT CROP OF AMERICAN IDOL HOPEFULS

 

AMERICAN IDOL RATINGS DROP BELOW KEITH OLBERMANN'S MSNBC SHOW

 

FRANCE SURRENDERS TO IRAN OVER CAPTURE OF BRITISH SEAMEN

 

GOP'S SEARCH FOR 'REAGANESQUE CANDIDATE' INTENSIFIES WITH NEW IRANIAN HOSTAGE CRISIS

HILLARY CLINTON INSISTS SHE'LL 'REACH ACROSS THE AISLE' AT BUSH EFFIGY BURNING EVENT

CORONER: INNOCENT, BUT ACCIDENTAL OVERDOSE OF ILLEGAL DRUGS KILLED ANNA NICOLE SMITH

MEDIA WARNS OBAMA EVENT ATTENDEES AGAINST SUNBURN FROM CANDIDATE'S CHARISMA

 

BRITISH CELEBS GWYNETH PALTROW AND MADONNA URGE ROYAL NAVY TO 'STOP MEDDLING IN IRANIAN WATERS'

GORE FINGERS N.A.S.A.'S MARS ROVER FOR APPARENT TOXICITY OF RED PLANET'S ATMOSPHERE

GORE GETS 2ND OSCAR FOR THEATRICAL PERFORMANCE AT CAPITOL HILL

 

GORE WARNS OF 'TRUE PLANETARY EMERGENCY' IF CONGRESS FAILS TO SHUT DOWN INDUSTRY

DON KING, WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION COLLABORATE TO AIR GLOBAL WARMING PAY-PER-VIEW DEBATE

SEN. McCAIN RECONSIDERS IRAQ WAR POSITION AFTER POLL

NORTH KOREA NUKE TALKS ON HOLD UNTIL PLUTONIUM ENRICHMENT COMPLETED

BUSH SUPPORTS GONZALES IN TRIMMING OF JUDICIAL BRANCH'S 'DEAD WOOD'

HILLARY CLINTON TO TOUR WITH RAPPER SNOOP DOG IN ATTEMPT TO COURT BLACK VOTE

KEITH OLBERMANN SPENDS FULL PROGRAM ON BUSH AUTOGRAPH SPELLING ERROR

AIR AMERICA BUYER LOSES RECEIPT, IS STUCK WITH PURCHASE

HAMAS AND FATAH AGREE TO UNITY GOV, PEACEFUL DESTRUCTION OF ISRAEL

FCC FINES ABC FOR LURID LOVEMAKING SCENE DURING BARBARA WALTERS INTERVIEW WITH HUGO CHAVEZ

VALERIE PLAME WOWS CONGRESSIONAL HEARING WITH 'HOT BLOND SECRET SPY LOOK'

BANK DECLINES JOHN McCAIN'S CAMPAIGN WARCHEST AS COLLATERAL FOR JETSKI LOAN

HILLARY'S PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN LEFT 'GULPING FOR AIR' AFTER NEW BILL CLINTON AFFAIR ALLEGATIONS SURFACE

SENATE REFUSES TO PASS U.S. FRENCHIFICATION BILL, TROOPS TO STAY IN IRAQ

SEN. CLINTON SIDESTEPS QUESTIONS ON IMMORALITY OF ASEXUALITY

GITMO MANAGEMENT DENIES KHALID SHEIKH MOHAMMED'S CONFESSION FOLLOWED JACK BAUER VISIT

HAMAS SOFTENS IMAGE BY SWAPPING 'ANNIHILATION OF JEWS' WITH DESTRUCTION OF JEWS' IN CHARTER

GORE PLANTS DOZEN SEQUOIA TREES AS CARBON OFFSET FOR NEXT MONTH'S PRIVATE JET USAGE

OBAMA: NOBODY SUFFERS MORE THAN FREEDOM FIGHTING PALESTINIAN SUICIDE BOMBERS

GOOGLE STRIKES BACK AT VIACOM'S $1 BILLION LAWSUIT, SUES VIACOM FOR $1 GOOGLE

JOHN EDWARDS HOPES DISCOVERY OF BLACK AUNT IGNITES FLOUNDERING CAMPAIGN

SEN. CLINTON: 'I WILL BE THE FIRST BLACK-MINDED FEMALE PRESIDENT, JUST LIKE JFK'

POLL: MODERATE DEMOCRATS LIKE GIULIANI FOR ABORTION STANCE, AND CAN FORGIVE HIS 'POST 9-11 DETERMINATION TO FIGHT BACK'

NJ CONGRESSMAN (D - NJ) RESERVES CAPITOL BOARDROOM FOR BIN LADEN, MULLAH OMAR MEETING

ANTI-BUSH PROTESTER CHUCK HAGEL COURTS GOP PRIMARY VOTERS

JOHN EDWARDS AGREES TO DEBATE HOSTED BY DEMOCRATIC PARTY AND SUBSIDIARY CNN

 

FOX NEWS CHIEF AILES: 'EVEN FAT TEDDY CONFUSED OBAMA AND OSAMA, EVERYONE'S DOING IT'

 

ANGELINA JOLIE GIVES BIRTH TO NEWLY-ADOPTED AFRICAN KID

FARRAKHAN MOVES TOWARD NORMALIZING RELATIONS WITH REST OF WORLD

LESS-THAN-NORMALLY-GRIM NEWS BRIGHTENS FRONT PAGE OF NY TIMES

 

FREDERICK PRICE BASKS IN CAMERA'S GLOW DURING SON'S SERMON ABOUT FATHER'S HUMILITY

 

SECRET SERVICE QUESTIONS HUGO CHAVEZ ON 'ALL THE DEATH THREATS AND WHAT NOT'

 

NEWT GINGRICH BLAMES AFFAIR ON 'MY INNER CLINTON'

 

EU FOREIGN POLICY CHIEF JAVIER SOLANA NOT ANTICHRIST SAYS PUBLIC RELATIONS DEMON

 

PROGRESSIVE BLOG DAILY KOS: 'BITCH' ANN COULTER OWES APOLOGY TO JOHN EDWARDS

 

CNN: BUSH TOURS LATIN AMERICAN DESPITE INTIMIDATING ANTI-BUSH PROTESTS

 

FORMER PRESIDENT CARTER CRITICIZES ISRAEL FOR HAMAS ROCKET ATTACK ON TEL AVIV

DEMS PUSH FOR IRAQ PULLOUT 'AS SOON AS OUR DEFEAT CAN BE SECURED'

JAMES CAMERON CLAIMS TO HAVE FOUND CRIME COMMITTED BY LEWIS LIBBY

ROSIE O'DONNELL REARS ITS UGLY HEAD AGAIN, BLASTS FOX'S 'IDOL'

 

McCAIN ASKS FOR RECOUNT IN CPAC STRAW POLL

BARAK OBAMA DELIVERS SERMON FROM ALABAMA CHURCH DENOUNCING GOP CANDIDATES 'WHO USE THE PULPIT FOR POLITICAL PURPOSES'

 

DEFENSE ATTORNEY SEES 'QUITE A FEW HOLES' IN MAN'S ADMISSION OF DISMEMBERING WIFE

CLINTON, OBAMA REFUSE TO CLASH AT EVENT COMMEMORATING CIVIL RIGHTS CLASH

 

O.J. SIMPSON 'ALMOST NABBED' WIFE'S KILLER AT MIAMI NIGHTCLUB

 

DOW POISED FOR SOME KIND OF FLUCTUATION THIS WEEK: EXPERT

 

BARAK OBAMA: 'I DON'T CARE HOW BLACK YOU ARE, VOTE FOR ME ANYWAY'

REUTERS BREAKING: ANNA NICOLE SMITH'S COFFIN HOISTED, PALLBEARERS PREPARE TO TAKE STEP FORWARD

SCIENTIST: NEW SATURN PICS DEMONSTRATE THE 'BEAUTY OF AN INTELLIGENTLY DESIGNED BIG BANG'

REPORT: SEN. TED KENNEDY'S FLATUENCE FOOTPRINT EXCEEDS 20X AVERAGE

THOUSANDS OF 'PROGRESSIVES' VOLUNTEER TO GO HOMELESS, CARLESS, AND NUDE TO OFFSET GORE'S CARBON FOOTPRINT

BARAK OBAMA REJECTS SEN. CLINTON'S 'PEACE OFFER' OF CEMENT SHOES AND ALL-EXPENSE-PAID FISHING TRIP

SCIENTIST: FLORIDA TORNADOES WERE CAUSED BY GORE MANSION

SEN. McCAIN LULLS LETTERMAN AUDIENCE TO SLEEP WITH CANDIDACY ANNOUNCEMENT

AFTERNOON UPDATE: MITT ROMNEY STILL PRO-LIFE

SEN. McCAIN BLAMES SUNBURN ON 'GIULIANI'S RADIANT CHARISMA'

JOHN McCAIN LANDS INTERVIEW WITH 'PETS, PETS, & MORE PETS' MAGAZINE