MYSTERIOUS INCREASE IN ILLEGITIMATE BABIES EXPECTED 9 MONTHS FROM TONIGHT

BUSH ESTABLISHES COALITION TO MONITOR U.N. TSUNAMI AID DISTRIBUTION

LACK OF DEAD ANIMALS IN WAKE OF TSUNAMI GIVES WEIGHT TO THEORY THAT SOME POSSESS 'SPIDEY SENSE'

 

U.N. PLEDGES TO DIRECT 'MOST' OF TSUNAMI RELIEF AID TO VICTIMS

 

PEPSICO, INC. ATTEMPTS MARKET SHARE GRAB WITH RE-RELEASE OF 'NEW COKE'

O.J. CATCHES REAL KILLER WAVE IN MIAMI DURING FUN-IN-THE-SUN SURF SESSION

 

U.S. INDUSTRIAL IRRESPONSIBILITY BLAMED FOR ASIAN TSUNAMI DISASTER

STATE DEPT: U.N. IS BEING 'STINGY' WITH DISPLAYS OF LOGIC AND COMMON SENSE

DICK MORRIS DECLARES VICTORY IN UKRAINIAN ELECTION, HIRES FOOD TASTER

 

SAUDI ARABIA CELEBRATES 400TH YEAR IN THE DARK AGES

EXPERTS: 2005 HURRICANE SEASON WILL BE 'MUCH CALMER' WITH ONLY 130 NAMED STORMS

ANTI-KERRY WEBSITES SUFFERING FROM UNEXPLAINED SLOWDOWN IN TRAFFIC

ACLU: INTOLERANT BIGOTS TRYING TO INSERT JESUS INTO CHRISTMAS HOLIDAY

 

SEAN HANNITY RADIO SHOW TO PLAY 'BEST OF CLINTON IMPEACHMENT DAYS' THROUGH HOLIDAYS

 

MAN PLUMMETS TO HIS DEATH FROM TOP OF JOHN HANCOCK BUILDING'S FRONT STEPS

KERRY ORDERS STAFF TO CANCEL TIME MAG SUBSCRIPTIONS

 

CHANUKWANZAAMAS TREES TO REPLACE 'INTOLERANT' CHRISTMAS TREES ON FEDERAL PROPERTY

STATE OF EMERGENCY: FLORIDA SCHOOLS AND GOVERNMENT OFFICES CLOSED AS TEMPERATURES PLUMMET BELOW 60

SPAM EMAIL EXPOSES MAN TO SALACIOUSLY EXOTIC WORLD OF MORTGAGE REFINANCING

NEW CIALIS COMMERCIAL RECOMMENDS MEDICAL ASSISTANCE FOR ERECTIONS LASTING LONGER THAN 240 HOURS

 

MICHAEL JACKSON ROMANCES 200 KIDS AT NEVERLAND

 

PLASTIC SURGERY GIVES BEAUTY QUEEN 'HORRIFYING MONSTER-LIKE APPEARANCE WITH NO REFUND'

SAN QUENTIN DEATH ROW INMATES LINE UP TO BE MUCH-ADMIRED SCOTT PETERSON MURDERER

 

ACLU WARNS OF HOLIDAY SEASON DANGERS: CARJACKINGS, PICK-POCKETS, AND CHRISTMAS CAROLERS

 

REAL CANDLES USED BY MAN TO DECORATE CHRISTMAS TREE; FUNERAL TO BE HELD ON SATURDAY

 

KOFI ANNAN LEAVES CHARGES OF U.S. HUMAN-RIGHTS ATROCITIES OUT OF PATHETIC PLEA FOR HELP DURNG D.C. TRIP

 

CHEVY CHASE APOLOGIZES FOR BUSH COMMENTS, SAYS HE WAS 'JUST KIDDING ABOUT THAT MOTHER F---ER'

 

SWIFT BOAT VETERANS FOR TRUTH LAUNCH AD CRITICIZING BIN LADEN'S MILITARY RECORD

 

SAN QUENTIN DEATH ROW INMATE 'LOOKING FORWARD TO HAVING SCOTT PETERSON'S BABY'

SENATE TO DEBATE CONTROVERSIAL 'CHILDREN IN COMBAT' ISSUE

SADDAM STILL HOBBLING AROUND IN CELL, PERFORMING DAILY DUTIES AS 'PRESIDENT OF IRAQ'

 

SUPERMARKET TABLOID STORY ABOUT TWO-FACED SENATOR TURNS OUT TO BE TRUE

 

U.N. SECRETARY GENERAL ANNAN UNDER FIRE FOR 'UPHOLDING THE VALUE SYSTEM THE U.N. HAS BECOME INFAMOUSLY KNOWN FOR'

MOVEON.ORG PLANTS QUESTION WITH REPORTER TO ASK DNC: 'YOU KNOW MOVEON OWNS YOU, DON'T YOU?'

 

RUMSFELD PLANTS QUESTION WITH SOLDIER TO ASK MEDIA: 'WHY ARE YOU SO DAMN HELL-BENT ON DESTROYING OUR EFFORTS IN IRAQ?'

 

RUMSFELD FIELDS TOUGH QUESTIONS FROM WIFE ABOUT 'LEAVING SOCKS ON THE FLOOR'

 

'HARSH' NEW LAW LIMITS XBOX PLAYTIME IN FEDERAL PRISONS' SOLITARY CONFINEMENT CELLS

 

SEN. BIDEN MULLS WHITE HOUSE BID IN '08; CAMPAIGN WILL FOCUS ON 'WINNING ISSUES LIKE FAMILY MORALS AND RELIGIOUS STUFF'

 

MARINE LOBS TOUGH QUESTION AT DEMOCRATS: 'WHY DO WE HAVE TO DIG THROUGH LANDFILLS FOR SCRAPS OF YOUR SUPPORT?'

 

POLICE WALKING BEAT IN LOS ANGELES COMPLAIN TO RUMSFELD THEY 'DON'T HAVE THE GUNS OUR TROOPS HAVE'

 

'NBA 2K6' XBOX GAME TO INCLUDE DRINK THROWING GUY

 

SEN. McCAIN THREATENS TO 'PERSONALLY TAKE THINGS UP WITH BARRY BONDS IN THE PARKING LOT'

 

GROUP BANS SNOWFLAKES FROM HOLIDAY DISPLAYS: THEIR COMPLEXITY MAKES THEORY OF EVOLUTION 'LOOK BAD'

 

BIDDING FRENZY ERUPTS ON eBAY FOR PLASTIC BAGGY FULL OF AIR

 

SUPERMODEL HEIDI KLUM RELEASES BOOK FOR MEN TO 'READ'

 

SWAB OF WHACKO JACKO'S MOUTH REVEALS BRAND OF LIPSTICK USED BY FORMER POP STAR

 

POLICE LAUNCH NEW SEARCH OF 'KIDS AND CAMERAS ONLY' WING OF JACKSON'S NEVERLAND RANCH

 

HURRICANE FORECASTERS PREDICT FEWER LOOTING OPPORTUNITIES FOR 2005 SEASON

 

QUAGMIRE UNFOLDING AT MICHAEL JACKSON'S NEVERLAND RANCH... DEVELOPING...

 

ISLAMIC SUICIDE BOMBER STRIKES MOSQUE 'IN THE NAME OF ISLAM'

 

EXTRATERRESTRIALS IRRITATED THEY HAVEN'T BEEN DISCOVERED YET

 

BOBBY BROWN CELEBRATES 1 MONTH OF ARREST-FREE DAYS

 

SCOTT PETERSON INVOLVED IN STEAMY 'ROMANCE-BY-MAIL' WITH DEATH ROW GROUPIE

 

DOCUMENTARY ABOUT STATIC CLING WINS CANNES FILM FESTIVAL

 

KWANZAA TREE DRAWS CROWDS TO ROCKEFELLER PLAZA

 

VERSION OF SCOTT PETERSON'S LIFE 'WORTH SPARING' UNVEILED IN SENTENCING PHASE