BUSH URGES CANADA TO RECALL PETER JENNINGS

BUSH NOMINATES KELLOG'S TONY THE TIGER FOR COMMERCE SECRETARY

 

MICHAEL MOORE GETS STAR ON HOLLYWOOD WALK OF SHAME

 

SMOKERS DYING OVER HIGH CIGARETTE PRICES

 

U.N. URGES UKRANIANS TO RESOLVE ELECTION DISPUTE BY 'SITTING AROUND AND HOPING'

JONES SODA INTRODUCES 'CASTOR OIL' AND 'DOG MESS' FLAVORS

WAL-MART RUNNING OUT OF MULLET COMBS AND THOSE CHEAP TVS THEY ALWAYS PUSH

NATION'S TARGETS DOWN TO 8 OPEN PARKING SPOTS

BARRED FROM THANKING 'GOD', PUBLIC SCHOOL KIDS OPT TO THANK LUNCH LADY AND CONDOM DISTRIBUTOR

 

SURVEY: MOST PEOPLE NOT IMPRESSED WITH 'GANGSTER CARS'

 

SCOTT PETERSON DYES HAIR BLONDE AGAIN IN ATTEMPT TO DUCK DEATH PENALTY

 

OJ SIMPSON CLAIMS PROGRESS IN PURSUING 'KILLER' ON MIAMI'S GOLF COURSES

 

HOLIDAY FESTIVITIES THREATEN TO INTERFERE WITH TRAVEL PLANS FOR SOME

 

MICHAEL MOORE DIAGNOSED WITH FAT COW DISEASE... DEVELOPING...

 

DNC PLANS FOR 'WINNING ELECTIONS IN THE FUTURE' BY MORE AGGRESSIVELY FINANCING OHIO RECOUNT

 

COURT ORDERS THAT 'SOME SUPERNATURAL, TOLERANT, AND POLITICALLY CORRECT BEING' BE THANKED, NOT GOD

 

OZZY OSBOURNE BITES HEAD OFF BURGLAR DURING BREAK-IN SCUFFLE

 

MINUTES WORTH OF BASKETBALL GAMEPLAY BREAKS OUT IN MIDDLE OF CHICAGO BULLS - PHOENIX SUNS FIGHT

 

NBA COMMISSIONER LEVIES STIFF PUNISHMENT ON SPECTATORS: BANS ASSAULT ON PLAYERS, MISSILE PROJECTING, HECKLING, CHEERING

 

KERRY BLAMES FOXNEWS FOR HIS FAILURE; SAYS NETWORK 'DISPLAYED MY FACE IN ATTEMPT TO TURN OFF VOTERS'

 

DETROIT PISTONS' FANS SUSPENDED FOR 10 GAMES...DEVELOPING...

 

NBA, NHL, BOXING TO MERGE DUE TO 'SIMILARITY OF PLAY'

 

ALEXANDER SCHOLZYNISTAN WADES INTO STANDS AT CHESS MATCH, BLOODIES CHESS HECKLER

 

NATION ON EDGE TODAY AS 'PROFESSIONAL' SPORTING EVENTS TAKE PLACE

 

PACERS' RON ARTEST: 'I DON'T GET PAID ENOUGH TO NOT JUMP INTO THE STANDS AND BEAT UP FANS'

 

VISITORS TO RAINY CLINTON LIBRARY OPENING WARY ABOUT CATCHING COLD, VENEREAL DISEASES

 

ALL HECK BREAKS LOSE IN SO-CALLED 'PROFESSIONAL' SPORTS

 

CLINTON: 'THE LIBRARY REPRESENTS MY PURPOSE, MY VISION, MY LIBIDO'

 

CROWD OF ONLOOKERS DISAPPOINTED AS METEOR TURNS OUT ONLY TO BE ALIEN SPACECRAFT

 

BUSH CAUGHT IN VERBAL GAFFE, SAID CLINTON 'SERVED AMERICA'

 

CLINTON LIBRARY OPENING SHOWCASES END OF CHELSEA CLINTON'S 'AWKWARD STAGE'

 

GOTTI BRAT SCREAMS 'DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!" WHILE GETTING BEAT TO A MUCH-DESERVED PULP

 

OUSTED SEN. DASCHLE FINDS WORK AS MALE PAGE FOR BARNEY FRANK'S CONGRESSIONAL OFFICE

 

CLINTON LIBRARY'S 'WOMEN OF ILL REPUTE' WING RUNS OUT OF SPACE, MOVED TO NEARBY WHAREHOUSES

 

MYSTERIOUS IMAGE OF VIRGIN MARY APPEARS IN CHURCH STAINED GLASS WINDOW DEPICTING CHRIST BIRTH

KERRY PREPS TO GIVE SPEECH SAYING BUSH 'BETRAYED OUR COUNTRY... HE PLAYED ON OUR FEARS!'

 

SEN. SPECTER: 'I APOLOGIZE FOR MY CONTROVERSIAL STATEMENT THE OTHER DAY, WHICH I DID NOT SAY'

 

THE LEFT MOVES TOWARD SANITY, WILL CALM DOWN AND ONLY 'GO NUTS' FROM NOW ON

 

SWIFT BOAT VETS ENCOURAGE KERRY TO RUN AGAIN IN '08

 

MACHINE GUN NEST OPERATOR TOLD TO 'KEEP IT DOWN' DURING AFTERNOON PRAYERS AT MOSQUE

 

PROVING MEN'S DESIRE FOR NEW AND UNFAMILIAR WOMEN, BILL CLINTON EYES HILLARY AT LIBRARY OPENING

 

WAL-MART SECURITY COUNCIL FILES RESOLUTION TO BAR SEARS/K-MART MERGER

 

GRILLED CHEESE WITH VIRGIN MARY APPARITION AUCTION ON EBAY REACHES $3 IN BIDDING FRENZY

 

DEMOCRATS TO RE-TOOL PARTY, BEGIN TALKING ABOUT 'RELIGIOUS STUFF'

 

NEW REALITY HUNTING SHOW THREATENS TO SHOW FOOTAGE OF INNOCENT ANIMALS BEING 'HARMED'

 

THE LEFT COMES CLEAN ABOUT THEIR CRAZY IDEAS: 'SURPRISE, AMERICA, YOU'RE ON CANDID CAMERA'

 

OHIO DEMOCRAT IS ASKED TO BE LAST MAN TO DIE FOR KERRY'S CAMPAIGN

 

SHOCKING CLAY AIKEN ANNOUNCEMENT ABOUT HIS SEXUAL ORIENTATION TURNS OUT TO JUST BE ABOUT CHARITY GIG

 

GUNSHOTS AT VIBE MUSIC AWARDS WERE 'IN MOURNING OVER ARAFAT'S DEATH'

 

COLIN POWELL'S LIGHT SKIN TONE RENDERS CONDI FIRST 'REAL' BLACK SECRETARY OF STATE

 

NEW CLINTON LIBRARY CAN BE SMELLED FROM MILES AWAY

ARAFAT WONDERING WHAT'S UP WITH ALL THE FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IN HEAVEN

 

BUSH ADDS TOM DASCHLE TO LIST OF '75% OF TERRORIST LEADERS KILLED OR PUT OUT OF COMMISSION'

 

COLIN POWELL RESIGNS OVER LACK OF WHITE PEOPLE IN BUSH CABINET...DEVELOPING...

 

CIA: AL QUEDA PLANNED TO SNEAK NUKES INTO U.S. HIDDEN IN NUCLEAR SUITCASES

 

TONIGHT ON CNN: 'EVANGELICALS: WHO ARE THEY, AND WHERE DID THEY COME FROM?'

 

MAHMOUD ABBAS WELCOMED TO PALESTINIAN LEADERSHIP BY ATTEMPT ON HIS LIFE

 

BUSH COMMENT ON MICHAEL MOORE FAHRENHEIT SEQUEL: 'GOD REST HIS SOUL'

 

BUSH POPULAR VOTE MARGIN INCREASES; EDWARDS SAYS THERE'S 'NO NEED TO COUNT EVERY VOTE'

FALLUJAH 90% PAVED

 

KERRY: 'OUR DIVIDED COUNTRY MUST UNITE, AND FIGHT THE LIES OF THIS PRESIDENT, A TERRIBLE FAILURE, BY THE WAY'

 

MARINES FROM JERSEY CITY FEEL 'AT HOME' IN FALLUJAH

 

SCOTT PETERSON MAINTAINS POOL CHLORINE DYED HAIR BLONDE AND SPROUTED GOATEE ON FACE

 

PAYMENT OF HIGH-PROFILE LEGAL VICTORY NO LONGER POSSIBLE, GERAGOS SETTLES FOR $27 LEFT ON SCOTT PETERSON'S VISA CARD

 

SCOTT PETERSON FACES ADDITIONAL COUNT OF THIRD DEGREE MURDER IN DEATH OF MARK GERAGOS' CAREER

 

KERRY SET TO PEN MEMOIRS: 'I GUESS I WAS UNFIT FOR COMMAND'

 

JIMMY CARTER CONVINCES PALESTINIAN AUTHORITY TO LEAVE PLOT NEXT TO ARAFAT OPEN 'FOR WHEN I GO'

 

NEWS ORGS SCAMBLE TO WRITE OBITS AFTER UNEXPECTED ARAFAT DEATH

RUBBLE AND TRASH BEING BULLDOZED IN RAMALLAH TO PROVIDE ROOM FOR BURIAL OF ARAFAT CADAVER

O.J. PETERSON JURY MEMBER DISMISSED TO WRITE BOOK

 

RICH WHITE RACIST BUSH ADDS ANOTHER POOR MINORITY TO CABINET... DEVELOPING...

 

TOM DASCHLE PULLED FROM SPIDER HOLE IN FALLUJAH

 

BREAKING NEWS ALERT: ARAFAT NOT DEAD YET

 

CONDO SALES IN FALLUJAH SLOW TO CRAWL

 

FIDEL CASTRO TURNS DOWN DNC CHAIR OFFER; CALLS PARTY 'TOO RADICAL'

 

DNC ATTEMPTS TO MODERATE LEADERSHIP, CONSIDERS HOWARD DEAN FOR CHAIRMAN

 

FALLUJAH RESIDENTS MISS 'GOOD OLD DAYS, WHEN TERROR ALERT WAS JUST RED'

 

BUSH POST-ELECTION VICTORY SPEECH CONVINCED 73% OF STILL-UNDECIDEDS

 

MCGREEVEY FAREWELL ADDRESS HIGHLIGHTS LIST OF ACHIEVEMENT

 

KERRY OFFERED GORE TEACHING ASSISTANT POSITION

SECRET SERVICE PROTECTION GONE, KERRY MOBBED BY FANS WANTING TO RETURN AUTOGRAPHED STUFF

EDUCATORS: THEORY OF CREATION ONLY ACCEPTABLE IF 'CREATION OF SOMETHING FROM NOTHING' FACT INCLUDED

HOWARD DEAN LEADS IN PRIMARY RACE FOR NOMINATION OF CHESTER BEND, VERMONT WOMEN'S CIVIC CLUB ASSISTANT TREASURER

KERRY TAKES ONE LAST LOOK AT OHIO PRECINCT NUMBERS 'JUST IN CASE'

DEMOCRATS WONDERING: 'WHAT IN OUR BIZARRO WORLD WENT SO WRONG?'

WAL-MART EYES PROPERTY ADJACENT TO PLANNED FALLUJAH PARKING LOT

KERRY: 'MY CHANCES OF WINNING THAT ELECTION WERE DASHED WHEN I BECAME MY PARTY'S CANDIDATE'

 

ARAFAT WALKS AWAY FROM NEGOTIATIONS AFTER DOCTORS OFFERED 97% OF HEALTH, SANITY BACK

DAN RATHER, MICHAEL MOORE, AL FRANKEN, EMINEM, AND NAMBLA MEET AT MOVEON.ORG HQ TO FIGURE OUT 'WHY AMERICA DIDN'T LIKE KERRY'

ARAFAT DOCTORS EXIT-POLLED: 2 SAY 'ALIVE', 3 SAY 'DEAD'

LIFE INSURANCE COMPANIES CANCEL POLICIES FOR FALLUJAH-BASED TERRORISTS

STOCK IN SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE PLUMMETS ON TERESA HEINZ KERRY'S ELECTION LOSS

LOTS OF KERRY STUFF DUMPED INTO 90%-OFF BIN

KERRY TO TAKE UP MODEL AIRPLANES AGAIN

BUSH TO KERRY SUPPORTERS: 'I'D LIKE TO REACH OUT TO YOU... AND PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE'

BUSH URGED TO 'UNITE NATION' BY IMPLEMENTING RADICAL LEFT-WING AGENDA

SOROS DISASTER: LIBERAL INVESTOR LOST RECEIPT TO $10 MILLION SPENT ON KERRY CANDIDACY

SEN. DASCHLE PULLED FROM SPIDER HOLE, COAXED BY POLICE INTO STRAIGHT JACKET

REDSKINS APOLOGIZE FOR MISLEADING PRE-ELECTION GAME LOSS

HILLARY CALLS KERRY TO CONCEDE THE FACT THAT SHE HASN'T REALLY BEEN PULLING FOR HIM

FLORIDA PROBLEMS: EXIT POLLS POINT TO BUSH/EDWARDS LEAD

 

KERRY CONCEDES TO BUSH, BLAMES LOSS ON 'THE DEMOCRATS' CHOICE OF CANDIDATE'

MICHAEL MOORE, FRAUD, RUSHES TO OHIO TO FILM PROVISIONAL BALLOT FRAUD

EXIT POLL GUY NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO NEXT PERFORMANCE REVIEW

PEOPLE WHO THOUGHT KERRY WAS ANTI-CHRIST COMING TO POWER WRONG AGAIN

11PM ELECTION SURPRISE: LARRY KING STILL PRETTY MUCH AWAKE

NADER GETS ANOTHER VOTE

FIRST LAWSUIT CALLED FOR KERRY, 11% OF LAWYERS COUNTED

UNITED NATIONS CALLS AMERICAN ELECTION FOR KERRY

PTD CALLS MASSACHUSETTS FOR KERRY; 0% OF PRECINCTS COUNTED

"YES" LEADING "NO" BY 4 POINTS IN EXIT POLL ON GRANITEVILLE, IOWA AMENDMENT INITIATIVE

NY TIMES ELECTION MORN FRONT PAGE TO FEATURE KERRY WITH SHOTGUN, SNOWBOARD, & AMERICAN FLAG BROOCH

 

KERRY TAKES FIRST WAVE OF EXIT POLLS AS MANDATE, ASKS BUSH TO CONCEDE

MICHAEL MOORE IN FLORIDA PROTECTING SANCTITY OF ELECTION

 

COURT: HAVING TO PRODUCE IDENTIFICATION DOES NOT CONSTITUTE 'VOTE SUPPRESSION'

'VOTER INTIMIDATION' CHARGED AT TX PRECINCT: PRESENCE OF BUSH LEAD KERRY VOTERS TO SECOND GUESS THROWING AWAY THEIR VOTE

KERRY CAMP BLAMES BUSH FOR PLANTING KERRY VOTES IN PHILLY MACHINES

NON-PARTISAN WEEKLY ENDORSES 'VICTOR OF TODAY'S ELECTION' FOR PRESIDENT OF THE U.S.

FLORIDA PROBLEMS: EXIT POLLS POINT TO BUSH/EDWARDS LEAD

NY TIMES ELECTION MORN FRONT PAGE FEATURES KERRY WITH SHOTGUN, SNOWBOARD, & AMERICAN FLAG BROOCH

BREAKING: AL JAZEERA REPORTEDLY IN POSSESSION OF NEW KERRY TAPE

KERRY BEATS REDSKINS 28-14, BUSH WILL CONTEST GAME RESULT FOR A MONTH OR SO

 

TRICK-OR-TREATERS TO KERRY MANSION IN SWING STATE RECEIVING BALLOTS, FAKE IDS

CIA: NEW KERRY TAPE IS 'AUTHENTIC'

KERRY: 'LET'S ALL MOVE PAST THIS DIVISIVE ELECTION AND MOVE ON TO THE HATE-FILLED LEGAL PROCESS'