STOCKS DIVE ON MIDEAST UNREST, GLENN BECK MONOLOGUE FEARS

NASA SET TO ANNOUNCE BURIAL ARRANGEMENTS FOR SPACE SHUTTLE

HOMELESS GUY WALKING PAST CBS HEADQUARTERS TAPPED TO ANCHOR 'EVENING NEWS'

SEN. BOEHNER TO PUSH FOR ANOTHER $18 IN BUDGET CUTS

U.S. TAXPAYERS ENCOURAGED AFTER CONGRESS COMMITS $75.48 TO PURCHASE OF DAVE RAMSEY 'FINANCIAL PEACE' DVDS

TIGER REFLECTS ON CHALLENGES OF AUGUSTA AND LEGACY BEING TORCHED IN INFERNO OF PERKINS WAITRESSES AND HOOKERS

BUDDHA NOT ANSWERING TIGER'S PRAYER THAT MASTERS' LEADERS START PLAYING CRAPPY

GODADDY.COM LOSES PETA.ORG DOMAIN REGISTRATION AFTER BRUTAL ELEPHANT SLAYING

AMERICANS ANXIOUSLY AWAITING GOV SHUTDOWN SO THEY CAN GET ON WITH REBUILDING LIVES

POLL: MAJORITY OF OBAMA VOTERS THINK GEORGE W. BUSH OR HILLARY CLINTON IS 'STILL THE PRESIDENT'

TRUMP NOW LEADS GOP HOPEFULS AFTER SUCCESSFUL TRIP TO LIBYA TO OUST QADDAFI

OBAMA: 'I REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO LIVE LIKE YOU PEOPLE'

U.S. POISED TO REBOUND INSTANTANEOUSLY FROM RECESSION IF WORTHLESS GOVERNMENT SHUTS DOWN

AMERICA ATTACKED BY OBAMA RE-ELECTION STATEMENT

DESPERATE TIGER CAVES ON TRYING STUPID MAGNETIC BRACELET IN PURSUIT OF MASTERS WIN

DOZENS INVEST IN OPPORTUNITY TO BOO SHEEN ON FAILING ROAD SHOW

CHARLIE SHEEN REPORTEDLY STILL ALIVE

NEW POLAR PANELS TO CONVERT ABNORMALLY COOL CLIMATE TO ENERGY

OBAMA AIMS TO RECONNECT WITH COMMON FOLK WITH BYOB STATE DINNER

HOME T-SHIRT PRINTING PRESSES NOT MAKING ANY MONEY FOR THOUSANDS OF WOULD-BE ENTREPRENEURS

CHEVY VOLT NOW ELLIGIBLE FOR CASH FOR CLUNKERS PROGRAM

U.S. POPULACE COLLECTIVELY DE-FRIENDS OBAMA

NATION SHIFTS WEIGHT UNEASILY DURING OBAMA'S MID-SPEECH ARGUMENT WITH TELEPROMPTER

OBAMA TO ADDRESS NATION ON 'NEW WARS AND RUMORS OF WARS'

MICKEY ROONEY OPTS FOR LABORIOUS CAREER REVIVAL OVER PEACEFUL PASSING IN THE NIGHT

CBS TAPS NYC MOB TO MANAGE COURIC UNEMPLOYMENT PROJECT

SYRIA SET TO BECOME THIRD OR FOURTH IN OBAMA'S WAR COLLECTION

OBAMA CLARIFIES LIBYAN MISSION IN EYE LINER ON KRISPIE KREME NAPKIN

EXPLORATORY COMMITTEE FORMED TO FIND MISSING SOCK

RUBBER BAND BALL PROJECT ENDS UP NOT BEING MONEY-MAKER FOR UNEMPLOYED LOSER

WAR PREP CAUSES WHITE FLAG SHORTAGE IN FRANCE

DEATH OF THREE-NEIGHBORHOOD NEWSPAPER DELIVERY ROUTE MAGNATE ECLIPSED BY PASSING OF FILM ACTRESS ELIZABETH TAYLOR

OBAMA CUTS VACATION SHORT AS U.S. IS KINDA SORTA AT WAR

LATEST ELIZABETH TAYLOR DEATH RUMOR APPEARS TO BE GRIMLY TRUE

NEW YORK TIMES PASSES ON PICS OF OBAMA TORTURING LIBYAN PRISONERS OF WAR

CONGRESS RECONVENES IN D.C. TO FINALLY GET TO WORK ON CONGRESSIONAL PAY RAISE

WARMONGERING WHITE HOUSE TO FOLLOW LIBYA WITH INVASION OF BERMUDA

NEWS FROM JAPAN INTERRUPTS FINALIZATION OF OBAMA'S FINAL FOUR PICKS

DAVID BLAINE STILL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT CRISS ANGEL LUXOR LEVITATION

BURGER KING TO FINALLY DITCH CRAPPY FRIES FOR ONES MORE LIKE McDONALDS'

CHARLIE SHEEN MARKS 100TH 'TIGER'S BLOOD' TEE SALE WITH WEEK-LONG HEROIN BINGE

WHITE HOUSE CAREFULLY COACHING BIDEN ON NEXT WEEK'S ONE-WORD STATEMENT ON LIVE MIC

OBAMA EXTENDS 'DEEPEST CONDOLENCES' TO JAPAN FROM NINTH TEE

NORTON'S NEW ANTIVIRUS INCLUDES FEATURE TO STOP SHEENWARE

DONALD TRUMP COMPLETES DAVE RAMSEY'S 'BABY STEP 27', NOW HAS $750 MILLION EMERGENCY FUND

NEW 290-PROOF DRINKABLE GASOLINE MAKES PRICE REASONABLE TO RAGING ALCOHOLICS

GEORGE W. BUSH PRODUCES ALIBI IN ADVANCE OF WHITE HOUSE PRESSER ON JAPANESE QUAKE

MSNBC HIRES CHARLIE SHEEN; PROMOTES AS 'STABLE, MORE INTELLIGENT AND SANE KEITH OLBERMANN'

'SAY NO TO CHARLIE SHEEN'S DRUGS' CAMPAIGN UNVEILED IN FIVE CITIES

REPORT: OBAMA TO BOMB LIBYA WITH NOBEL PEACE PRIZES

STUXNET II TARGETS IRANIAN NUKE SITES, CHARLIE SHEEN TWITTER ACCOUNT

'WINNING' SHEEN SUFFERING FROM EMERGENCY ROOM WITHDRAWAL

SHEEN KIDS SENT TO LIBYA FOR 'MORE KID-FRIENDLY' ENVIRONMENT

OPRAH'S OBVIOUS WEIGHT GAIN WOWS OSCARS

OLBERMANN APPLIES TO MEDICAL MARIJUANA SCHOOL

NESCAFE SALES SURGE ON GADDAFI REVELATION THAT BIN LADED IS ADDING HALLUCINOGENS

MIAMI BANKS OFFER PHAT LIQUIDATION-PRICED CONDOS TO OUSTED MIDEAST DESPOTS

WHITE HOUSE: INCOHERENT LIBYA RESPONSE DUE TO FAULTY TELEPROMPTER APP

LINDSAY LOHAN HAVING DIFFICULTY ADAPTING TO LIFE OUTSIDE PRISON

OBAMA OFFERS GADDAFI TELEPROMPTER FOR RAMBLING MONOLOGUES

WHITE HOUSE EXPRESSES 'DEEP CONCERN' OVER MAKING STATEMENT ON LIBYAN BLOODBATH

WISCONSIN UNIONS CLAIM CONSTRUCTION OF MONEY-PRINTING PRESS IS FOR 'PEACEFUL PURPOSES ONLY'

GADDAFI GRANTED ASYLUM IN RAHM EMANUEL'S MAYORAL CABINET

INSPIRED BY MIDEAST, WEST VIRGINIAN HOUSEWIFE STARTS OWN REVOLUTION AGAINST FAMILY

CHIRPING CRICKETS HIRED TO GIVE WHITE HOUSE STATEMENT ON LIBYAN UNREST

CLINTON OKAYS IRANIAN WARSHIPS TO PASS THROUGH STATE OF ISRAEL

CHINA OFFERS TO FUND TANKS FOR WISCONSIN REVOLUTION

WISCONSIN UNIONS ENERGIZED BY MEDIA SUPERSTAR JESSE JACKSON

CONCERNS VOICED OVER GOOGLE LOGO ON WHITE HOUSE FACADE

REINCARNATED L. RON HUBBARD FOUND SINGING IN MORMON TABERNACLE CHOIR

MIDEAST TENSIONS APPROACH 2026 LEVELS

ADVANCED LEVELS OF SCIENTOLOGY STILL NO MATCH FOR KIRSTIE ALLEY'S MASSIVE APPETITE

FACEBOOK UNVEILS 'AUTOMATIC ANNOYING FRIEND DE-FRIENDER'

TEHRAN UNVEILS CIA PLOT TO INSTALL OBAMA CLONE TO NEUTER IRAN

LADY ANTEBELLUM WINS VINYL RECORD OF THE YEAR

CHRISTINA AGUILERA ACCIDENTALLY SINGS MISTAKE-FREE GRAMMY SOLO

NEW SPACE-SAVING KEYBOARD DITCHES RARELY-USED LETTER 'Z'

OPRAH EXCLUSIVE: OBAMA CHANNELS RAMSES II FOR EGYPT POLICY

EGYPTIAN ARMY ORDERED TO STOP LAUGHING AT OBAMA, RESTORE ORDER

CIA DIRECTOR PANETTA CITES 'STRONG LIKELIHOOD THAT MUBARAK MAY STEP BACK UP THIS EVENING'

MUBARAK STEPS DOWN, HANDS PRESIDENTIAL POWER OVER TO CARDBOARD CUTOUT OF MUBARAK

LINDSAY LOHAN HELD ON DRUNKEN GRAND THEFT AUTO WRECKLESS DRIVING JEWELRY HEIST ASSAULT CHARGE

GUY IN JAR JAR BINKS COSTUME STILL WONDERING WHY AMERICAN IDOL JUDGES DIDN'T APPRECIATE HIS AWESOME VOICE

MUBARAKCARE PROMISED TO APPEASE ANGRY EGYPTIANS

REHABBED SHEEN PLANS RETURN TO MULTI-DAY BENDERING

INSTIGATOR JOHN BOEHNER CHAIN-SMOKING IN FRONT OF OBAMA

DETROIT REQUESTS FEDERAL AID: PLEAS FOR OBAMA VACATION

FDA TO INVESTIGATE OBAMA SMOKES FOR HALLUCINOGENS

CURRENT TV'S 93% NORTH KOREAN VIEWERSHIP APPLAUDS OLBERMANN ADDITION

L.A. LAKERS FANS WONDERING WHY GREEN BAY HASN'T BEEN BURNED DOWN YET

BRETT FAVRE: 'I'M BACK, PLEASE?'

RITZ CRACKERS' SUPER BOWL PIZZA HUT PREGAME SHOW SPONSORED BY NABISCO AND SOME OTHER CORPORATION FEATURES NON-STOP KEITH URBAN NOISE

OBAMA RELEASES FOREIGN AID PLA, PROMISES MORE OVERSEAS VACATIONS

WHITE HOUSE DEFENDS TAXPAYER-FUNDED 45 MINUTE OBAMACARE COMMERCIAL FOR SUPERBOWL

OBAMA DUMPS MUBARAK, BLAMES EGYPTIAN SAND TRAPS

WHITE HOUSE IGNORES AMERICANS' CALL FOR QUICK AND PEACEFUL TRANSFER OF POWER IN WHITE HOUSE

MIDEAST UNREST INTERRUPTS OBAMA'S LASERLIKE FOCUS ON DECREASING EMPLOYMENT

ACORN BOASTS SHOVEL-READY PROJECT: CHICAGO CEMETARIES CULLED FOR VOTERS

EGYPTIAN VP PROMISES TO FIX NEW ELECTIONS

WHITE HOUSE: OBAMA PREPARED TO BOW TO 'WHOEVER EMERGES AS THE NEW OR EXISTING EGYPTIAN RULER'

GROUPON'S NEW 105% OFF DEAL A BIG HIT

PIANO ON SANDBAR IS WELCOME DISTRACTION TO EGYPTIAN UNREST, DEATH AND DESTRUCTION

AFTER SUPER-LAME PARTY IN HOSPITAL ROOM, CHARLIE SHEEN RUSHED TO HIS HOUSE

RAHM EMANUEL'S MOB PALS: 'LET US TAKE CARE OF THIS CHICAGO THING'

MAJORITY OF VIEWERS THOUGHT OF FUNNY PELOSI GAVEL VIDEO DURING BOEHNER INTRODUCTION

UNKNOWN CONGRESSMAN HOLD IMPORTANT 3 SECOND SUMMIT WITH OBAMA DURING STATE OF THE UNION WALK-IN

TACO BELL SETTLES, WILL CALL TACO FILLING 'MEATISH SUBSTANCE'

BARNEY FRANK DENIED REQUEST TO BRING 14 YR OLD CONGRESSIONAL PAGE TO STATE OF THE UNION DATE NIGHT

OBAMA PROMISES 2016 RELEASE OF UNPHOTOSHOPPED BIRTH CERTIFICATE

NORTH KOREAN STATE-RUN MEDIA: 24-HR LOOPS OF 'BEST OF OLBERMANN' BETTER THAN NO OLBERMANN AT ALL

SEXTING FAVRE FALLS INTO MALL FOUNTAIN, BECOMES YOUTUBE SENSATION

FBI HOPING TO SURPRISE MORE MOB MEMBERS WITH ARREST TOMORROW

HU ASKS TO SIT IN OBAMA THRONE AT STATE DINNER 'SINCE HE PAID FOR IT'

NFL HALTIME COMMENTS DROWNED OUT BY VOLUME OF JIMMIE JOHNSON'S TIE

BIN LADEN FOUND MANAGING MIAMI BEACH JUICE & JAVA

POLICE DETAIN FOX NEWS, TALK RADIO ON TIP THAT ANOTHER MASSACRE WAS IN WORKS

'KENNEDYS' MINISERIES THREATENS FAMILY'S PRISTINE IMAGE

JOHN HINCKLEY JR. STILL TRYING TO IMPRESS JODIE FOSTER WITH NUMBER OF PULLUPS, CRUNCHES

JOHN EDWARDS DENIES PROPOSING TO REILLE HUNTER AT ELIZABETH EDWARD'S FUNERAL

SOME CELEBRITY DID SOMETHING STUPID THAT EVERYONE WILL PAY TOO MUCH ATTENTION TO, MEDIA REPORTS

HUNDREDS OF DEAD OBAMA AGENDA INITIATIVES FOUND ON SENATE FLOOR

ORANGE JOHN BOEHNER SWORN IN AS FIRST COLORED SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE

WHITE HOUSE STAFF SHAKEUP MIXUP ENDS WITH ACCIDENTAL REPLACEMENT OF OBAMA

OBAMA RECEIVES HUGE $1,000 CHECK FROM COUNTRY CLUB FOR 1000TH ROUND OF GOLF

DEATH OF THOUSANDS OF BIRDS GIVES ORNITHOLOGICAL ARMAGEDDONITES SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT

ILLUMINATED BALL DROPPING PROMPTS EVACUATION OF TIMES SQUARE, SCRAMBLE OF F-18 FIGHTER JETS

NEW YEARS' REVELERS LOOKING FORWARD TO WELCOMING YEAR FILLED WITH LESS DEATH AND DESTRUCTION

MAN'S 'BLESSING IN DISGUISE' ENDS UP BEING HORRIBLE, TEN YEAR NIGHTMARE

OBAMA PROMISES AIRLINE PASSENGERS BEER SUMMIT WITH GOD TO VENT WEATHER DELAY RAGE

U.S. VOWS TO STOP INTERFERRING WITH IRAQ'S PLAN FOR ALL-OUT CIVIL WAR

OBAMA NAMES NEW ECONOMIC DESTROYER

THOUSANDS NOW HAVING THEIR MAIL DELIVERED TO NEW YORK AREA AIRPORTS

CHRISTMAS RECIPIENTS OF NEW P90secondsX ALREADY BACK TO COUCH

NORAD CONTINUES LYING ABOUT SANTA'S POSITION, EXISTENCE

DENNIS KUCINICH RAISES $14 IN HOPELESS 2012 BID FOR WHITE HOUSE

POLL: NUMBER OF LIBERALS WHO BELIEVE BETHLEHEM STAR MARKED OBAMA BIRTH DOWN FROM 2007

CHER AGREES TO DONATE POST-MORTEM SELF TO PLASTICS RECYCLING CENTER

REPORT: MORE FAMILIES CELEBRATING HOLIDAYS WITH INTERFAMILIAL BEER PONG COMPETITIONS

NEW SNOOPING PROGRAM PROOF THAT BUSH IS PULLING STRINGS OF PUPPET OBAMA ADMIN

WAL-MART GREETERS OFFER 'HAPPY CHANUKAH, KWAANZA, AND OTHER HOLIDAYS' GREETING

CHILDREN READING THIS DEVESTATED TO FIND OUT SANTA NOT REAL

CARMEN ELECTRA'S WEDDING PLANS BOGGED DOWN BY DIVORCE PAPERWORK

ROYAL CANADIAN MOUNTED POLICE MOVING ON TO FASTER, MORE MODERN HORSES

GLOBAL WARMING ALARMIST PROVIDES MUCH-NEEDED HOT AIR DURING FLORIDA'S SUB-ARCTIC FREEZE

HOLLYWOOD CHARITY CONCERT FOR NEW YORK TIMES RAISES AWARENESS OF PAPER'S PLIGHT

CRISS ANGEL CLEANS OUT LAS VEGAS CASINOS, VANISHES

OPRAH DENIES LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP WITH LOVER GAYLE

NEW MONOPOLY GAME BOARD INCORPORATES PHONE FEATURE TO COMPETE WITH iPHONE

CONGRESS SET TO VOTE ON 'EVERYONE LEFT BEHIND' BILL

FED CHIEF CAUTIONS U.S. CITIZENS AGAINST HYSTERICALLY HOARDING FOOD SUPPLIES YET

MILLIONS OF CHILDREN PREPARE TO CELEBRATE BIRTH OF SANTA CLAUS

CROATIA BUYS U.S. IN KILLER CYBER MONDAY DEAL

TSA GROPERS IN MASS EXODUS AFTER PELOSI COMMERCIAL FLIGHT ANNOUNCEMENT

HOMELAND SECURITY MOVES THREAT LEVEL TO RED ON POSSIBILITY OF BRISTOL PALIN DANCE WIN

TSA AGENT DEFENDS GROPING OF SUSPECTED TERRORIST PAMELA ANDERSON

OBAMA TO DEVOTE JANUARY, FEBRUARY TO DAILY BEER SUMMITS WITH AIRPORT GATE-RAPE VICTIMS

TSA TO OFFER MORNING AFTER PILLS TO PAT-DOWN VICTIMS

WHITE HOUSE PRESSROOM SECURITY TO START TSA-STYLE GROPING FOR FOX NEWS CREDENTIALS

BARNEY FRANK LASHES OUT AT TSA FOR AGENT'S FAILURE TO GROPE HIM

DEMOCRATS DEMAND ELECTORAL COLLEGE BE USED IN BRISTOL PALIN DANCE CONTEST

DISGUISED OBAMA ASKS FOR BUSH BOOK AUTOGRAPH, ADVICE ON BEING PRESIDENT

LADY GAGA TO OPEN FOR OBAMA'S STATE OF UNION ADDRESS IN ATTEMPT TO IMPROVE RATINGS

BILL CLINTON TAKES ON TSA GENITALIA GROPING ISSUE, SUBMITS EMPLOYMENT APPLICATION

OBAMA PAYS HOMAGE TO 'THIS GREAT COUNTRY AND THE CONTRIBUTIONS TO IT BY THE VETERANS OF INDONESIA'

PENTAGON: CALIFORNIA MISSILE 'MAY HAVE BEEN AN AIRPLANE, OR AN ATTEMPTED NUCLEAR ATTACK OR WHATEVER'

WHOLE FOODS MARKET FILES BANKRUPTCY IN WAKE OF 'TWINKIE DIET' CRAZE

OBAMA'S JAKARTA SPEECH SUCCESSFULLY STRENGTHENS AL QUEDA-ISLAMIC JIHAD RELATIONS

INDONESIAN 'BIRTHERS' QUESTION OBAMA'S KENYAN, U.S. BIRTHS

BUSH: 'DAMN RIGHT' ON DESIRE TO WATERBOARD KEITH OLBERMANN

EMBARRASSING U.S. FREE MARKET SYSTEM ENABLES 'HIDE YER WIFE, HIDE YER KIDS' GUY TO BUY BENZ

HAPLESS OBAMA REFERRING TO NEXT TWO YEARS AS 'MY SECOND TERM'

NEW 'IF YOU LIKE STARBUCKS, YOU'LL LOVE THIS CREAMER' CREAMER A HIT AT 7-11

OBAMA WHITE HOUSE APOLOGIZES FOR $200 MILLION INDIA TRIP BEING $74.23 OVER INDIA TRIP BUDGET

LEMONADE STAND PROPRIETORS RAISED ON BABY EINSTEIN EARNING 13% MORE THAN NON-BABY EINSTEINERS

GORE CONCEDES 2000 ELECTION TO FORMER PRESIDENT BUSH

CHRIS MATTHEWS REPORTS 'WARM, WET, TINKELING FEELING DOWN LEG'

BALLROOM FULL OF GRAYSON SUPPORTERS CLEAN UP VICTORY BALLOON, LEAVE IN CAB

BRICKS BEING PLUMBED FROM WEST WING TOILETS

DEMS MULL 'OBAMA, AMERICA'S MULLIGAN' FOR 2012 CAMPAIGN THEME

COOL ECONOMIST URGES PEOPLE TO HEDGE AGAINST ECONOMIC COLLAPSE BY INVESTING IN GOLDSCHLAGER

SEN. REID PROMISES FREE FOOD, BEER, CONDOMS, CANDY AND CRACKERS AT VOTER TURNOUT EVENTS

TOM CRUISE DEMOTED TO SCIENTOLOGY'S LEVEL SIX FOR DOG-EARRING PAGE IN DIANETICS

NEW IT GUY HOPES REBOOT FIXES PROBLEM

DEMS FACING ESCALATING OPPOSITION FROM GOP, TEA PARTIERS, PEOPLE THAT LEARN ABOUT THEM

ALAN GRAYSON PUT OFF BY OPPONENT'S VICIOUS 'GRAYSON-LIKE' ADS

REPORT: HOUSING CRISIS HITTING UNEMPLOYED FORECLOSURE VICTIMS THE HARDEST

POLICE DOG DITCHES NARCOTICS UNIT GIG TO FOLLOW 'FRAGRANT' KID ROCK WORLD TOUR

NEWARK, NJ SCHOOL CHILDREN ENJOYING 'BLINGED OUT' BUSES AFTER ZUCKERBERG GIFT

U.S. DEMOCRATIC PARTY TO BORROW CHILEAN RESCUE CONTRAPTION FOR USE ON CONGRESSIONAL RACES

GARAGE TECHIE FINDS SMOKING POT MORE FUN THAN FOUNDING NEXT GOOGLE

MAJORITY OF ATTENDEES VOTE 'NOT PRESENT' AT OBAMA RALLY

CHILEAN PRESIDENT DELIVERS STRANGE TELEPROMPTERLESS SPEECH FROM THE HEART

MARRIED MINER WITH NEWLY-DISCOVERED MISTRESS OPTS TO STAY IN CHILEAN MINE

CLINTON ADMITS 2012 PRESIDENTIAL AMBITIONS, SAYS CONSIDERING OBAMA FOR VP ROLE

OBAMA STREAKER WAS 'PREPARING IN ADVANCE FOR IRS ANAL PROBE'

WHITE HOUSE TELEPROMPTER CREW TO SPEND ALL-NIGHTER PREPPING CANDID OBAMA STATEMENT FOR PRESSER

NASA: SPACE DEBRIS IN DANGER OF COLLISION WITH OUTER EDGE OF U.S. DEFICIT

BLOOMBERG BACKS IMAM'S PLAN TO BUY FREEDOM TOWER FOR NEW MOSQUE LOCATION

GORE, BIN LADEN COLLABORATE ON NEW AUDIO RECORDING THREAT AGAINST U.S.

$50 MILLION LOTTERY WINNER SAYS ECONOMY 'DOING AWESOME'

RICH GLENN BECK CONSOLIDATES EFFORTS, BUILDS BUNKER OUT OF GOLD

NEW ROUND OF WHITE HOUSE RESIGNATIONS INCLUDES GIBBS, BIDEN, OBAMA

SCIENTISTS DISCOVER NEARBY SOCIALIST COUNTRY THAT MAY SUPPORT LIFE

FLOUNDERING OBAMA ENDORSES LONGER SCHOOL YEAR, NOW LOSES SUPPORT OF CHILDREN

TWITTER OUTAGE DURING GLEE PROMPTS RIOTING IN MAJOR CITIES

SEN. FEINGOLD 'TOO BUSY' IN GARAGE TO ATTEND OBAMA-HOSTED FUNDRAISER IN FEINGOLD LIVING ROOM

JEOPARDY WINNER RUBBING IT IN EVERYONE'S FACE

TELEPROMPTER TYPO HAS SASHA PASSING FATHER WRONG SALAD DRESSING

GOOGLE TO CUT COSTS BY ANNIHILATING CITIES IT HASN'T YET STREET-VIEWED

OIL PRICES SET TO SPIKE IF ISRAEL ATTACKS U.N.

BLACKBERRY MAKERS WORRIED THEIR NEW TABLET MIGHT BE CRAP COMPARED TO APPLE'S

BARNEY FRANK SPLITS WITH OBAMA ADMIN OVER PROPOSED BAN ON FATTY FOODS

CLINTON ARRESTED IN JERUSALEM AMID TEMPLE MOUNT CLASH WITH ISRAELIS

REPUBLICANS' 'PLEDGE TO AMERICA' INCLUDES FORCED RETIREMENT OF SEN. McCAIN

OBAMA INITIATES THIRD WAR AGAINST WOODWARD BOOK

OBAMA DISMISSES REPORT THAT MAJORITY OF DEMS WANT BUSH BACK

POLLSTER: NEW RATING SYSTEM NEEDED TO ACCOMMODATE SUB-ZERO OBAMA APPROVAL

RALLY TO END ALL MOCK RALLIES PLANNED FOR NATION'S CAPITAL

REPORT: OFFICERS SUCCESSFULLY WRAP UP LINDSEY LOHAN'S DAILY ARREST

U.S. MULLS RAISING RETIREMENT AGE TO 115

NEW '25 HOUR ENERGY' TO MAKE AMERICANS MORE PRODUCTIVE, REGAIN SUPERPOWER STATUS

RAHM EMANUEL TO 'DRAIN THE SWAMP' OF REMAINING HONEST CHICAGO POLITICOS

SCANDINAVIA'S CONFUSING HOMELAND SECURITY WARNING SYSTEM RAISED TO 'TURQOISE AND A HALF'

DEMOCRATS ALREADY PLANNING 'TAKE OUR COUNTRY BACK' CAMPAIGN AGAINST OBAMA'S INEVITABLE REPUBLICAN SUCCESSOR

'CLINTON FOR CHANGE IN 2012' CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS DISCOVERED IN STATE DEPARTMENT CLOAKROOM

OBAMA ADVISED NOT TO WEAR PALESTINIAN KEFFIYEH DURING MIDEAST PEACE TALKS

GOD STANDS BY STEPHEN HAWKING DESPITE PERSONAL ATTACKS

NETANYAHU HOPES ISRAEL CAN MAKE PEACE WITH ABBAS, OBAMA

CARDBOARD CUTOUT AT OVAL OFFICE DESK FAILS TO MASK OBAMA'S VACATION ABSENCE

OBAMA PLEDGES TO 'NOT CONGRATULATE MYSELF FOR MY IRAQ VICTORY' IN OVAL OFFICE SPEECH

CNN ESTIMATES 'TENS OF PEOPLE' ATTENDED BECK RALLY

MSNBC: MAJORITY OF AMERICANS FAIL TO SHOW UP TO GLENN BECK EVENT

SEAN HANNITY LIES IN GREETING NOT-SO-GOOD AMERICAN

FED CHAIRMAN ADVISES NATION TO CALMLY LINE UP TO EXIT STOCK MARKET

WHITE HOUSE ADMITS INTENTION WAS TO COMMENT ON OBAMA'S 'OBLIVIOUS CHRISTIANITY'

TIGER SHOOTS 65 AT BARCLAYS, PLANS BI-WEEKLY DIVORCES IN BID TO IMPROVE SCORES

LINDSAY LOHAN DEPARTS REHAB FOR BAR ACROSS STREET

OBAMA LOBSTER AND CAVIAR OVERDOSE PROMPTS NEED FOR ANOTHER VACATION

WIKILEAKS TO PUBLISH OBAMA'S CHRISTIAN STREET CREDS

NORTH KOREA HOPES TO SECURE ITS RELEASE FROM CARTER VISIT

'MOTIVATED' OBAMA CHASES APPROVAL RATING ENJOYED BY MALWARE SPAMMERS

G.O.P. FAITHFUL PROPEL '100 PERCENT PRO-LIFE' CANDIDATE TO EASY WIN OVER 92.5 PERCENT PRO-LIFER

WEATHERMAN BLAMES WRONG PREDICTION ON CALCULATIONS NON-WEATHERPEOPLE CAN'T UNDERSTAND

OBAMA FEIGNS DISINTEREST AS MUSLIM CALL TO PRAYER RINGS OUT OVER GOLF COURSE

STUDY: AMERICAN DREAM TO OWN A JOB BECOMING ELUSIVE FOR MANY

WHITE HOUSE DENIES OBAMA BEING 'CONDESCENDING TO STUPID AMERICANS'

WHITE HOUSE QUIETLY CANCELS OBAMA'S THREE WEEK VACATION TO MECCA

CHRISTIAN OBAMA VOWS TO STOP SUPPORTING JIHADIST PROJECTS AT GROUND ZERO, PRAYING TO ALLAH

PELOSI CALLS FOR INVESTIGATION OF 9-11 VICTIMS IN MOSQUE FLAP

INTERNATIONAL LAW ENFORCEMENT EFFORTS BEING EXHAUSTED BY AROUND-THE-CLOCK GEORGE MICHAEL ARRESTS

OBAMA PLEDGES TO 'LAY OFF OF VACATIONS' FOR A FEW DAYS

OBAMA ENDORSES AL QUEDA TRAINING FACILITY FOR PENTAGON'S INTERIOR COURTYARD

DIAL MARKETS SUPER-EXPENSIVE BODY SOAP TO THE FILTHY RICH

TAXPAYER CURSES OUT PASSENGER, PULLS EMERGENCY CHUTE, SLIDES OFF AIR FORCE ONE

FEW FAMILY MEMBERS AND PAID 'FRIENDS' REMAIN ON SEN. RANGEL'S FACEBOOK FRIEND LIST

THREE TIGER MISTRESSES PASS HIM IN PGA RANKINGS

TIGER WOODS TO FIGHT MIKE TYSON IN PAY-PER-VIEW ATTEMPT TO REHAB SOILED IMAGE

MICHELLE OBAMA'S ENTOURAGE IN SPAIN FIND TAXPAYER-FUNDED BENTLEYS UNDER SEATS

PLUGGED WELL, LACK OF OIL IN GULF REPRESENTS THE 'WORST MISSED OPPORTUNITY FOR ENVIROMENTALISTS IN OUR HISTORY'

NEITHER OF COURIC'S VIEWER'S BOTHERED BY PALIN RIP

FAVRE RETIRING, CITES TIME NEEDED TO PONDER MOVE TO NEXT NFL TEAM

DESPERATE OBAMA HIGHLIGHTS ATTRACTIVE BOMB SHELTER MORTGAGE RATES

SEVEN YR OLD SAILOR'S SOLO CIRCUMNAVIGATION ATTEMPT FAILS IN PORT

WHITE HOUSE HR DEPT GETS NEW WAREHOUSE TO STORE OBAMA VACATION DAY REQUEST FORMS

OVERWHELMED SECRET SERVICE SUCCESSFULLY PROTECTED PREZ FROM JOY BEHAR ADVANCES

FED SPOKESMAN TOLD MENTION OF 'END OF THE WORLD' MAY SPOOK MARKETS

WIKILEAKS ASKS WHITE HOUSE TO STOP SENDING IN 'OBVIOUSLY-PHOTOSHOPPED' U.S. BITH CERTIFICATES FOR OBAMA

NEW MR. PRESIDENT POTATO HEAD TOY COMES WITH TELEPROMPTER, BLAME-POINTING FINGER

RIDICULOUSLY HUMONGOUS SINK HOLE OFFERS CAREER-ADVANCING PHOTO OP FOR AERIAL NEWS PHOTOGRAPHER

AREA MAN SICK OF THE ONION REPORTING ON EVERYTHING HE DOES

OFFICIALS: RELIEF WELL BEING DRILLED IN EFFORT TO STOP GUSHING MEL GIBSON RANTS

MILITARY DRONES TO MONITOR NOTE PASSERS IN PUBLIC SCHOOL CLASSROOMS

WHITE HOUSE HIGHLIGHTS OBAMA'S 'SOLID' 68% APPROVAL AMONG WHITE HOUSE STAFFERS

LINDSAY LOHAN ARRESTED FOR DRINKING IN SOLITARY CONFINEMENT

MEXICAN DRUG LORDS INVOLVED IN SOME REALLY MESSED UP STUFF

OBAMA NOT AMUSED BY 'BABY ON BOARD' WINDOW SIGN ON AIR FORCE ONE

OBAMA'S CZAR CZAR AXES PLAN TO CREATE 'UNECESSARY' CZAR CZAR CZAR POSITION

YANKS PAY TRIBUTE TO STEINBRENNER, FIRE A BUNCH OF PLAYERS, STAFFERS

SORKIN TO DIRECT JOHN EDWARDS HORROR FILM

EXHAUSTED FROM STRING OF VACATIONS, OBAMA TO UNWIND AT VACATION SPOT

PASSENGERS ANGERED OVER AIRLINES' NEW 'CRASH-FREE FLIGHT' FEE

LEVI JOHNSTON PROPOSES TO BRISTOL PALIN'S MONEY

BP WITHDRAWS 'ADMIT IT, YOU LOVE US' AD CAMPAIGN

OBAMA GETS GULF OIL SPILL FIX EPIPHANY ON 18TH TEE BOX, DOESN'T FINISH ROUND

MICHELLE OBAMA BRAVES HEAT TO THANK WORKERS FOR INSTALLING AIR CONDITIONED DOOR-TO-LIMO WALKING TUBE

NASA: SPACE STATION CLIPS OUTER EDGE OF LEBRON JAMES HYPE

NASA URGES 'UNDERSTANDING' IN ROADSIDE IED INCIDENT

EPA GROUNDS GULF SKIMMING OPERATION AFTER OIL RESIDUE FOUND ON SHIP HULL

A HORRENDOUS AMOUNT OF INCOMPETANCY STILL GUSHING IN WASHINGTON'S SEA OF RED TAPE

RACHEL MADDOW: 'KAGAN IS PRETTY. I MEAN PRETTY EFFECTIVE WITH HER ANSWERS AND ALL.'

GOV TURNS AWAY ARMADA OF NEW OIL VACS OVER EXPIRED LICENSE PLATE ON BARGE

OPRAH ON THE COVER OF HER STUPID MAGAZINE AGAIN

SECRETARY OF STATE CLINTON CALLS HILLARY CLINTON 2012 PRESIDENTIAL EXPLORATORY COMMITTEE 'ONLY A FORMALITY'

REFLEX BOW TO G8 LEADER REVEALS, RIPS OBAMA'S ANTI-BOW CORSET

G8 LEADERS MARVEL AS OBAMA'S PORTABLE GOLF COURSE ASSEMBLED IN TORONTO

BILL CLINTON 'DISGUSTED' BY 'MORALLY BANKRUPT' GORE

GORE: 'HOT, STEAMY POLICE REPORTS ABOUT ME CONTRIBUTE TO GLOBAL WARMING'

GUY FINDS IPHONE 5 PROTOTYPE AT LOS ANGELES BAR

OBAMA DIRECTS HOLDER TO FIND LAWSUIT TARGET IN McCRYSTAL DISASTER

OBAMA DUBS AL QUEDA, NORTH KOREA, IRAN 'AXIS OF POTENTIAL ALLIES'