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APOLLO THEATER HOSTS AL SHARPTON'S MICHAEL JACKSON MEMORIAL TRIBUTE STARRING AL SHARPTON

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FRANKEN TO SENATE, U.S. CONGRESS NOW OFFICIALLY A CRAPPY SNL SKIT

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TROOPS PULLED FROM IRAQ FOR MICHAEL JACKSON LA FUNERAL DUTY

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BLANKET USES FATHER'S TRAGIC DEATH TO ASK FOR NEW NAME

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OBAMA PICKS CELEBRITY HEALTH CZAR, CITES RECENT 'CRISES'

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INVESTIGATION REVEALS WHINING GOP HAD 'MORE THAN TEN MINUTES' TO READ SHORT 300 PAGE GREEN TAX BILL ON iPHONE KINDLE APPS

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BERNIE MADOFF SENTENCED TO WALK PALM BEACH STREETS UNARMED

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MICHAEL JACKSON'S WILLED REQUEST TO BURY DEBT WITH HIM DENIED

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BET AWARDS CENSOR COLLAPSES FROM EXHAUSTION

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HOLLYWOOD ASKS OBAMA TO APPOINT 'A CZAR OF SOME SORT' TO PREVENT MORE CELEB DEATHS

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ENERGY TAX BILL SLIPPED THROUGH HOUSE WHILE CONCERNED AMERICANS BREATHLESSLY AWAIT JACKO TOX RESULTS

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OBAMA: IT'S TIME FOR THE NATION TO RETURN TO MOURNING MY LEGACY

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NORTH KOREA USES MICHAEL JACKSON DIVERSION AS OPPORTUNITY TO ANNIHILATE HAWAII

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MICHAEL JORDAN ALIVE AND WELL IN CHICAGO

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MARK SANFORD PROMISES TO WEAR MONITORING BRACELET IF HE'S ALLOWED TO STILL BE GOVERNOR

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SHAQ TRADED TO CAVS FOR BEN WALLACE AND SEASON TICKETS TO CAVS GAMES

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RACY 'THREESOME' EMAILS REVEALED BETWEEN CHRIS MATTHEWS, KEITH OLBERMANN, AND OBAMA

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OBAMA RESCINDS IRANIAN DIPLOMATS' INVITE TO SPECIAL OLYMPICS BOWL-A-THON AT WHITE HOUSE

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SC GOVERNOR ADMITS TO CLINTONING ARGENTINIAN WOMAN

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CNN CONFIRMS OBAMA-TO-AHMADINEJAD INBOX MESSAGE ON FACEBOOK

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FOX NEWS' MAJOR GARRETT DISINVITED FROM OBAMA'S MEDIA SLUMBER PARTY

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CRAIGSLIST INSISTS IT SHED 'MOST OF THE MASS MURDERERS' ON ITS SITE

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OBAMA MOVES JOURNALISTS FROM ROSE GARDEN TO 'MORE FAMILIAR' WHITE HOUSE JACUZZI FOR PRESSER

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OBAMA SCHEDULED TO ATTEND TELEPROMPTER'S ROSE GARDEN SPEECH

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'JON & KATE PLUS 8'-OBSESSED HAWAIIANS 'DON'T HAVE TIME TO WORRY ABOUT' PENDING NUCLEAR ANNIHILATION

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NORTH KOREA DELAYS NUKE ATTACK ON HAWAII; CITES NEED FOR SPOOL OF TWINE, BIC LIGHTER

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ARROGANT CHRIS BROWN REFUSES TO PLEAD 'NOT A MAN, GUILTY OF BEING A TOTAL ASS'

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OBAMA MULLS OVAL OFFICE REALITY SHOW TO PULL RATINGS OUT OF TOILET

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HONOLULU LOCAL POLICE ASK WHITE HOUSE FOR PERMISSION TO ANNIHILATE NORTH KOREA

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TIGER WOODS BUYS COMPANIES EMPLOYING DRUNKEN U.S. OPEN HECKLERS, FIRES THEM

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MOON ROVER EXPECTED TO DELIVER PHOTOSHOPPED PROOF OF U.S. MOON LANDINGS

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JIMMY CARTER TO OBAMA: 'YOU'RE WORSE THAN I WAS, AND AM'

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JOHN McCAIN SWIMS OUT TO INTERCEPT NORTH KOREAN SHIP

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OBAMA CAUTIONS U.S. NAVY AGAINST 'MEDDLING IN NORTH KOREA'S NUCLEAR EFFORTS'

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AYATOLLAH KHAMENEI CALLS IRANIAN ELECTION 'DEFINITIVE VICTORY', SAYS PERSONALLY COUNTED VOTES BEFORE SPEECH

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MICHAEL MOORE HIJACKED BY SOMALI PIRATES, SAILED TO DEEP WATER BERTH AFTER RANSOM DEMAND

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OBAMA ASKS U.N. SECURITY COUNCIL TO TAKE HARDER STANCE ON FOX NEWS

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WAL-MART CREATING ITS OWN CIVILIAN DEFENSE FORCE ON NATIONALIZATION FEARS

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IRANIAN MULLAHS THREATEN TO 'UNPLUG EVERY ELECTRIC INTERNET MACHINE AND TWITTER BOX'

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SPRAWLING ADDITION TO ROBERT GIBBS' OFFICE TO HOUSE NY TIMES EDITORIAL STAFF

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MEDIA BARRED FROM OBAMA'S IRAN COMMENTS

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CARTER NARROWLY ESCAPES ROADSIDE BEARHUG EMBRACE FROM HAMAS MILITANTS

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AMERICANS DISTRACTED FROM SLIDE INTO OBLIVION BY NEW MICHELLE OBAMA DRESS

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AHMADINEJAD AGREES TO PERSONALLY RECOUNT VOTES IN CONTESTED IRANIAN ELECTION

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BROKE CA OFFERS TO THROW PARTY FOR LAKERS AT L.A. JACK IN THE BOX

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WHITE HOUSE: IRAN, NORTH KOREA WILL JOIN U.S. IN 'AXIS OF EVOLVING CONCERNS'

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FANS CELEBRATE LAKERS' CHAMPIONSHIP BY BURNING DOWN, BOMBING, LOOTING L.A.

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WHITE HOUSE: IF U.S. LEVELS PYONYANG DURING SEC. CLINTON'S TRIP THERE, IT WILL BE AN INNOCENT ERROR

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TEHRAN SHOPS BURN AS FURIOUS IRANIANS PROTEST PRO-KOBE REF CONSPIRACY IN NBA FINALS

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FORMER U.S. PEANUT FARMER JIMMY CARTER CERTIFIES AHMADINEJAD 'WIN' IN IRANIAN ELECTION

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CZAR APPOINTMENT CZAR MULLS NEED FOR TOBACCO CZAR

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FIJI INSISTS ITS NUCLEAR RESEARCH EFFORTS ARE STRICTLY FOR WORLD DOMINATION

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LETTERMAN: 'STUFFY' PALIN CAN'T TAKE JOKE ABOUT RAPED DAUGHTER

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WHO DECLARES PANDEMIC, SAYS NO REASON FOR CONCERN OVER 'DEATH AND DESTRUCTION THAT WILL UNDOUBTEDLY FOLLOW'

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STRUGGLING BOSTON GLOBE TO PAY EMPLOYEES IN FREE BOSTON GLOBE SUBSCRIPTIONS

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LACKLUSTER OPENING EXPECTED FOR DOW ON FEARS THAT DOW MAY HAVE DOWN DAY

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EXPERT: PARACHUTE PANTS COMEBACK MAY REINVIGORATE ECONOMY, PULL U.S. OUT OF RECESSION

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WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY GIBBS REPLACED BY 'MORE COMPETENT' RANDY FROM 'MY NAME IS EARL'

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NEW iPHONE 3GS APP CAN EFFECTIVELY FACILITATE PEACE IN THE MIDEAST

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ALL TIES, BELTS, ROPES REMOVED FROM 'DEPRESSED' ORLANDO AFTER GAME 2 LOSS IN NBA FINALS

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OBAMA SPEECH CANCELLED AFTER TELEPROMPTER ENGINE SEIZES UP

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NEW QUICK-WEIGHT-LOSS DIET ALLOWS CELEBS TO GAIN HUNDREDS, MAKE QUICKER COMEBACKS

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LOTTERY WINNER DESTITUTE AFTER $10 MILLION JACKPOT, 'CRAZY' NIGHT AT STRIP CLUB

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OBAMA BOOSTS EMPLOYMENT BY EMPLOYING UNEMPLOYMENT CZAR

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WHITE HOUSE BUTLERS RELIEVED ARAB WORLD DECLINES OBAMA'S INVITATION TO WATCH NBA FINALS AT WHITE HOUSE

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OBAMA: IRAN 'HAS A RIGHT' TO ANNIHILATE ISRAEL FOR ITS ENERGY NEEDS

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MAGIC WIN SCRIMMAGE AGAINST CARDBOARD CUTOUT KOBES 268-0

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OBAMA APOLOGIZES TO ARABS FOR 'THOSE REDNECKS WHO WHINED' ABOUT SAUDI BOW

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OBAMA TO CHAVEZ: PLEASE STOP 'LIKE'-ING EVERY ONE OF MY FACEBOOK STATUSES

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OBAMA: IRAN HAS A RIGHT TO NUCLEAR POWER-TIPPED WARHEADS

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TIME TRAVELER REPORTS 2013 PROGRESS IN THIRD GM-OBAMA WAR

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SURI CRUISE ABANDONS SCIENTOLOGY AFTER LEARNING OF FREAKY ALIEN WARLORD GOD

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