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ASHTON KUTCHER TAKES TOP SPOT IN PEOPLE'S '25 MOST ELIGIBLE MARRIED MEN'

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GIBBS: ADDRESSING WHITE HOUSE PRESS POOL AS 'FRIENDS, ALLIES AND CO-WORKERS' WAS 'A POOR CHOICE OF WORDS'

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PHIL SPECTOR STILL SURPRISED 'I COULDN'T HAVE KILLED HER - I WAS GOING TO GET MY GUN' DEFENSE DIDN'T WORK

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WITH NATION DISTRACTED BY NBA PLAYOFFS, OBAMA SWAPS OUT VICE PRESIDENTS

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SUSAN BOYLE MAINTAINS THANKFULNESS FOR FAME IN INTERVIEW FROM INSANE ASYLUM

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CASH-STRAPPED JAPAN ERECTS CHAIN LINK FENCE TO PROTECT AGAINST NORTH KOREAN MISSILE ATTACK

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BANKRUPTCY LOOMS FOR LOCAL AUTO DEALERSHIP DESPITE STD RESEARCH FUNDING IN STIMULUS PACKAGE

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MILLIONS OF IDIOTS NOT TAKING ADVANTAGE OF '$10K A MONTH FROM YOUR COUCH' OFFERS

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TEXAS BECOMES THE WORLD'S TENTH NUCLEAR POWER

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U.N. THREATENS NORTH KOREA WITH 'A CERTAIN DEGREE OF FRIENDLY CONCERN' IF NUKE EFFORTS CONTINUE

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REAL ESTATE VALUES PLUMMET WITHIN RADIUS OF NORTH KOREAN LAUNCH PAD

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MAGIC WIN GAME 7 AGAINST CLEVELAND IN SMOKE-FILLED BACKROOM DEAL

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JUMP IN CONSUMER IGNORANCE SPARKS DOW SURGE

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ANTI-HISPANIC REPUBLICAN QUESTIONS SOTOMAYOR'S REVERSE DISCRIMINATION OPINION

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OBAMA NOMINATES SONIA SOTOMAYOR'S HISPANIC ETHNICITY TO U.S. SUPREME COURT

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U.N. ISSUES STERN CONDEMNATION OF ISRAEL IN WAKE OF SECOND NORTH KOREAN ROCKET LAUNCH

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NORTH KOREAN MISSILE THREATENS OBAMA PLAN TO APPEASE ROGUE DICTATOR

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PRESIDENT OBAMA CELEBRATES MEMORIAL DAY WITH BEST-OF-ROUND QUADRUPLE BOGIE ON 16

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U.S. MEDIA'S MEMORIAL DAY TRIBUTES ECLIPSED BY JON & KATE COVERAGE

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BLANK MOVIE SCREEN ON SHORT LIST FOR TOP HONORS AT CANNES

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OBAMA PRAISES 'THOSE FIGHTING IN THE MIDDLE EAST', THANKS U.S. TROOPS TOO

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PELOSI: 'THIS SILLY CIA STUFF' IS DISTRACTING AMERICANS FROM BRISTOL PALIN, RUSH LIMBAUGH'S DESIRE FOR OBAMA TO FAIL

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ADVISORS TALK OBAMA OUT OF NATIONALIZING THE NATION'S LEMONADE STANDS

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LAWMAKERS GIVEN 600-PAGE CLIFF NOTES FOR CLIMATE BILL, 15 MINUTES TO READ

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OBAMA GETTING ERROR MESSAGES WHILE TRYING TO UNINSTALL CHENEY 2.0

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IRAQI INFORMATION MINISTER STILL CLAIMING SADDAM STILL IN POWER

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CHENEY-OBAMA 'BATTLE OF THE SPEECHES' PAY-PER-VIEW NUMBERS SET RECORD

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IDIOTS STILL GETTING INTEREST-ONLY MORTGAGES CONTRIBUTING TO 2021 DEPRESSION

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NIGERIAN EMAIL SCAMMERS LEAPFROG OVER NANCY PELOSI ON PEOPLE'S '1,000 PEOPLE WE LIKE' LIST

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RACHEL MADDOW NIXED FROM TOP COURT VACANCY SHORT LIST; OBAMA SAYS 'THAT GUY IS TOO CONSERVATIVE'

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#tcot ... Thank you for following the best in Conservative-flavored satire on the web!

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SECRET NSA GADGET REVEALS: ROSWELL DETAILS AND EXISTENCE OF SECRET NSA GADGET TO BE OUTED IN FUTURE BIDEN GAFFE

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OBAMA INTERRUPTS HECKLER'S SPEECH WITH COMMENCEMENT DIATRIBE

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BIDEN SUGGESTS TWO STATE SOLUTION FOR PAKISTAN, TALIBAN

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WORLD HEALTH ORG RAISES STRESS ALERT TO ALL-TIME HIGH FOR CELTICS FANS

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CONTROVERSY ESCALATES AFTER OBAMA SUGGESTS MOVING GUANTANAMO DETAINEES TO NOTRE DAME

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SURGEON GENERAL: LIVING, BREATHING, EATING CAUSES CANCER

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ASTRONAUTS IN SPACEWALK TO TACKLE SPACE SHUTTLE OIL AND TIMING BELT CHANGES

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WHITE HOUSE EMPLOYS OXYCLEAN GUY TO PEDDLE HEALTHCARE REFORM TO IDIOT MASSES

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BURGER KING SALES INCREASE DESPITE HORRIFYING PLASTIC-FACED BURGER KING

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POLL: 87% OF REMAINING NY TIMES READERS THINK 'THE MIDWEST' IS FOREIGN COUNTRY

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CRAZY PELOSI ACCUSES CIA OF LYING, CHALLENGES MIKE TYSON TO ALLEYWAY FIST FIGHT

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118 YR OLD McCAIN MOTHER REPLACES 16 YR OLD McCAIN DAUGHTER AS DE FACTO GOP HEAD

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KANYE WEST ENRAGED AT BEING SPOOFED ON TWITTER, SAYS 'HEADS OF TWITTER HATE BLACK PEOPLE'

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NO RELEASE OF DETAINEE PHOTOS; OBAMA SAYS 'IT'S ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT THEY EXIST, AND THAT WE'RE HORRIBLE'

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SALE OF PICKETT COUNTY, TENNESSEE'S 16 ANDOVER DR. HINTS AT NATION-WIDE HOUSING BUBBLE COMEBACK

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OBAMA FORCES STARBUCKS-TO-FOLGERS CHANGE IN CHRYSLER'S BREAKROOMS

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OBAMA HANDLERS TO WEAN PRESIDENT FROM TELEPROMPTER, GIVE IT TO HIM 'ONLY AT NIGHTTIME'

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ROBERT GIBBS STUMBLES WHEN ASKED WHO THE WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY IS

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ARAB STREET ENRAGED AFTER MISS SAUDI ARABIA 'SEMI NUDE' REVEALS UPPER CHEEKBONE, 'WAY TOO MUCH FOREHEAD'

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OVAL OFFICE FIST BUMP CLAIMED TO BE WHITE HOUSE ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF NATIONAL DAY OF PRAYER

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TREKKIES RISK EXTENDING BACHELORHOOD WITH FRENZIED PILGRIMAGE TO NEW STAR TREK FLICK

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INVESTORS RELIEVED THAT BANKS ONLY NEED 'BILLIONS AND BILLIONS MORE' TO SURVIVE; DOW SOARS

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PRICE OF OIL SKYROCKETS ON GOV'S NEW CAR HANDOUT

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OBAMA CLAIMS 'NOT PHOTOSHOPPED' STAMP PROVES LEGITIMACY OF HIS THREE BIRTH CERTIFICATES

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CITIGROUP SHARES DROP TO 3.15 KIDNEY BEANS

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BOSTON GLOBE SCALES BACK TO TOWN CRIER, MYSPACE-ONLY WEB PRESENCE

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ELIZABETH EDWARDS: 'JOHN SAID THE MEDICAL TECHNOLOGY TO DETERMINE PATERNITY WILL BE AVAILABLE SOME DAY'

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TAXPAYERS SHOULDER OBAMA'S $650K AIRFORCE ONE FLIGHT TO LOCAL DC BURGER JOINT

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AMERICAN COUCH POTATOES SEEM SOMEWHAT EXCITED TO BE FINALLY GETTING 'THEIR FAIR SHARE'

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LESS HOT, MORE POLITICALLY-CORRECT CONTESTANT WINS ANOTHER BEAUTY PAGEANT

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DOW TANKS AFTER OBAMA MENTIONS 'MORE I WANT TO ACCOMPLISH'

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SWINE FLU MASK INDUSTRY MOGULS INSIST WORST IS YET TO COME

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MARY MATALIN FINALLY DECKS JAMES CARVILLE

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REAM OF COPY PAPER RESERVED FOR OBAMA'S GITMO PLAN RECEIVES PARTY LINE VOTE IN SENATE

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AMBITIOUS NASA PLEDGES MAN ON THE SUN BY 5019

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BUSH RELAXING POOLSIDE WITH VIRGIN DAIQUIRI, TAN-THRU FLU MASK

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FLU MASK SALES SURGE DESPITE SWINE FLU PANDEMIC FEARS; OBAMA ECONOMIC ADVISORS STUMPED

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112 YR OLD SEN. BYRD GIVEN A PASS FOR NOT EMBRACING TWITTER

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DEMOCRATS SAY 'YES' TO SUPREME COURT NOMINEE, SAY THEY 'ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO FIND OUT WHO IT WILL BE'

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SKIDDISH INVESTORS JUMPING OUT OF GOLD, INTO TAMIFLU

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NY STATE TAX AUDITOR TAXES LIMBAUGH FOR MENTIONING NEW YORK

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CONFUSED MIKE GRAVEL RE-LAUNCHES 2008 PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN

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RECESSION FORCES McDONALDS TO REPLACE CHICKEN WITH "CHICKEN"

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