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MATT KENSETH INVITES KYLE BUSH TO LOCAL PARKING LOT FOR STICK SHIFT TRAINING
BRITISH TV STATION FIRES HEADLESS NEWS ANCHOR FOR SUPPOSEDLY 'SCARING OFF VIEWERS'
CALIFORNIA WOES WORSEN WITH NEW SHORTAGE OF SIZE 10.5 BOWLING SHOES
OBAMA SUPPORTERS APPLAUD BRILLIANT 'WIN THROUGH SURRENDER' IRAQ STRATEGY
OBAMA APPLAUDS SOLDIERS' 'FIGHT AGAINST TYRANNY', SAYS WAR HAS BEEN WON AGAINST BUSH
GOLF VIEWERSHIP SETTLES BACK TO NEAR-ZERO AFTER TIGER'S EARLY EXIT
CITIGROUP DECLARES 100-FOR-1 BAG OF RICE REVERSE STOCK SPLIT
ECO-FRIENDLY COMPANY'S NEW 'GREEN' INITIATIVE EXPECTED TO SAVE TENS
OBAMA BUDGET INCLUDES $1 BILLION FOR BUDGET PACKAGE PRINTING COST
GOP ISSUES EARLY RESPONSE TO OBAMA'S 2012 FAREWELL SPEECH
OBAMA FAILS TO MENTION CHAPPAQUIDDICK WHEN GIVING NOD TO SEN. TED KENNEDY
OCTOMOM RUSHES TO OBAMA SPEECH ROPELINE FOR MORE TV TIME
CONTROVERSIAL OBAMA SPEECH EXCERPT LEAKED: 'MY FELLOW AMERICANS,'
WHITE HOUSE PUSHES DETROIT TO BEGIN PRODUCING CARS THAT RUN ON FAIRY DUST
MSNBC'S CHRIS MATTHEWS REMINISCES ABOUT 'REAGAN'S OBAMAESQUE SPEECHES'
ANALYST: LAST REMAINING INVESTMENT SHOWING PROMISE IS IRANIAN NUKE BUSINESS
GLENN BECK'S RATINGS DROP DESPITE DAILY WARNINGS ABOUT DEATH AND DESTRUCTION TO ALL
NBC'S DAVID GREGORY: 'OBAMA'S SPEECH TONIGHT IS ORGASMIC. I'LL HOPEFULLY BE ABLE TO PEEK AT A TRANSCRIPT LATER TODAY'
NEW ORLEANS TO THROW EXTRAVAGANT MARDI GRAS PARTY DESPITE NO MEANS TO PAY FOR IT
OBAMA TO CALM UNEASY NATION WITH NEWS THAT AMERICA 'IS MORE THAN PREPARED' FOR BATTLE OF ARMAGEDDON
GOP SENATOR FINISHES READING STIMULUS BILL, SAYS 'HOLY MOLY, HAS ANYONE READ THIS CRAP YET?'
RUNNING OUT OF TAX-PAYING CANDIDATES, OBAMA TAPS CARROT TOP FOR COMMERCE SECRETARY
NERVOUS INVESTORS MOVING MONEY OUT OF GOLD, INTO PRECIOUS MACH III RAZORS
'GRATUITOUS NUDITY' LANDS 'R' RATING FOR MOVIE ABOUT MEDIA'S LOVE AFFAIR WITH OBAMA
FEDS EYE CHINATOWN WATCH KNOCKOFF VENDORS FOR NATIONALIZATION
OBAMA TO BEGIN PROMOTING STIMULUS II, SAYS FIRST $1 TRILLION 'DIDN'T DO ANYTHING BUT MAKE PEOPLE MAD'
RELIEF ON WALL STREET AS STOCKS SUFFER 'ONLY A MODERATE COLLAPSE'
CHRIS BROWN TO TAKE 'SAFER REFUGE' IN THE GAZA STRIP AFTER RIHANNA BEATING
CIA DIRECTOR PANETTA OVERHEARD ASKING 'WHAT DOES CIA STAND FOR?' AFTER SWEARING-IN
NY TIMES STRUGGLING TO SELL PAPERS AT NEW 5 CENT PRICE POINT
OBAMA EMBARKS ON FIRST FOREIGN TRIP TO MASSACHUSETTS
OBAMA RELIEVES DISTRESSED HOMEOWNERS OF MORTGAGES, PLEDGES TO OFFER 'SIMILAR RELIEF' TO GUN OWNERS
GUY WITH TIME MACHINE RETURNS FROM 2015 WITH BANANA THAT COST 5,000 U.S. EUROS
CALIFORNIA PULLED FROM BAY AFTER APPARENT SUICIDE JUMP ATTEMPT FROM GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE
GM NEEDS 'TRILLIONS AND TRILLIONS MORE' TO MAKE IT TO 5 P.M. TODAY
OBAMA ACCIDENTALLY SWAPS 'THE ECONOMIC CRISIS' WITH 'THIS COUNTRY' WHEN DESCRIBING STIMULUS AS 'BEGINNING OF THE END'
DOW CELEBRATES OBAMA STIMULUS SIGNING BY DUMPING MOST VALUE
POLICE: BEHEADED MUSLIM WIFE HAD QUESTIONED 'THE PEACE-LOVING KINDNESS' OF ISLAM
OBAMA'S REQUEST TO 'EXIT PRESIDENCY, RETURN TO CAMPAIGNING' DENIED
PRESIDENT OBAMA TO TAKE OFF VALENTINE'S DAY FOR BED & BREAKFAST RENDEZVOUS WITH MAINSTREAM MEDIA
BRETT FAVRE MAKES HISTORIC COMEBACK AFTER EXITING THE NFL EARLIER THIS AFTERNOON
OBAMA SAYS FAILURE TO PASS STIMULUS WILL MAKE 'ARMEGEDDON OF GENESIS LOOK LIKE A DAY AT DISNEYLAND'
FORWARD-THINKING LAWMAKERS WRITE 2012 ECONOMIC STIMULUS FAILURE BAILOUT BILL
OBAMA ASKS SENATE TO PASS STIMULUS 'QUICKLY, IN ORDER TO TACKLE THE BIGGER PROBLEM OF ATHLETE STEROID ABUSE'
FRAZZLED OBAMA MISTAKENLY COMPARES STIMULUS PACKAGE TO JONESTOWN KOOLAID
RAHM EMANUEL'S FINGERPRINTS FOUND ON HORSE HEAD IN GOP SENATOR'S BED
OBAMA CONCEDES ON STIMULUS OVERHAUL, AGREES TO REMOVE $100 MILLION FOR RAINBOW-COLORED PROPELLER HATS
$25 MILLION ADDED TO STIMULUS BILL TO COVER COSTS OF PRINTING PAPER COPY OF STIMULUS BILL
U.S. GOV TURNS ATTENTION FROM APOCALYPSE TO TACKLE BAD PEANUT BUTTER PROBLEM
OBAMA PARDONS, TAPS BERNIE MADOFF TO OVERSEE ADMIN'S 'FINANCIAL ETHICS AND TRANSPARENCY' INITIATIVE
BIRD-CHESTED OBAMA MANAGES TO BEAT UP SUPERMAN IN LATEST DC COMIC
TEMPS SLIDE INTO HIGH 20'S IN SUNSHINE STATE; MANY FLORIDIANS THINK THEY MISSED THE RAPTURE
FLORIDIANS COVER PLANTS TO PROTECT AGAINST GLOBAL WARMING-INDUCED GLOBAL FREEZE
MORE PROBLEMS FOR OBAMA; LATEST NOMINEE IS ON FBI'S TOP TEN MOST WANTED LIST
DASCHLE DROPS BID TO HEAD HHS, ISSUES STOP PAYMENT ON IRS TAX CHECK
OBAMA FORMS CABINET-LEVEL SECRETARY TO SPEARHEAD SEARCH FOR CABINET NOMINEES WHO HAVE ACTUALLY PAID TAXES
OFFICIALS: DASCHLE EVADED TAXES BY FUNNELING INCOME THROUGH COMPLEX ACCOUNTING METHODS, SYSTEM OF UNDERGROUND TUNNELS
ECSTATIC PITTSBURGH STEELERS FANS BURN CITY DOWN IN CELEBRATION OF SUPERBOWL WIN
STUDY: OBAMA GRACES 12 OUT OF 10 MAGAZINE COVERS
CARROT TOP'S SUPERBOWL PREDICTION NOT REALLY TAKEN SERIOUSLY
NBC VOWS 13% LESS 'OBVIOUS BIAS' FOR 2009
