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HILLARY CLINTON: 'I DIDN'T ASKED FOR MOTHER TERESA'S MANTLE OF
FAITH AND LOVE, IT JUST FELL UPON ME'
NEW IRANIAN PRESIDENT THOUGHT TO HAVE MASTERMINDED 2004 KERRY
PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN
WORLD INCHES CLOSER TO WORLD WAR III OR IV AFTER PUTIN THEFT
OF SUPER BOWL RING
FREAK: TOM CRUISE BREAKS TONGUE-LOCK WITH CURRENT LOVE
INTEREST TO RANT ABOUT ALIENS AMONG US
EXPERT: TOM CRUISE HURTLING TOWARDS 'MICHAELJACKSONISM'
HOWARD DEAN ATTEMPTS NEW ANGLE, CLAIMS BUSH CONSULTED
EXTRATERRESTRIALS BEFORE IRAQ INVASION
BLING FUTURES ON THE RISE AFTER JAY-Z TOUR ANNOUNCEMENT
ELDER BUSH GOLFS WITH CLINTON, COAXES HIM FOR 'A QUICK DIP' IN
WAVES OFF FLORIDA'S GULF COAST
SUPREME COURT JUSTICE SOUTER'S HOME BEING RAZED TO MAKE WAY
FOR 'MORE PROFITABLE' BANANA STAND
TOM BROKAW, PETER JENNINGS, AND DAN RATHER'S REPLACEMENT TO
COVER PRESIDENT'S SPEECH FROM ARUBA
LEAK: BUSH SPEECH TO INCLUDE CRITICISM OF PARENTS WHO 'SPEND
TOO MUCH TIME WITH CLINTON'
BUSH CONSIDERS 'DATE CERTAIN' FOR PULLING OUT OF SUPREME COURT
CHENEY AND RUMSFELD AGREE THAT IRAQ INSURGENCY IS 'ALIVE AND
STRONG, CRUMBLING, AND DEAD'
TOM CRUISE, MATT LAUER WRESTLE OVER BENEFIT OF HEROIN-BASED
ALTERNATIVES TO PSYCHIATRY
EXPERTS: TOM CRUISE A 'SCIENTOLOGIST WHACK JOB'
OUTRAGED PROPERTY OWNERS THROW LIBERAL SUPREME COURT JUSTICES
INTO BOSTON HARBOR
OPRAH: I WAS DENIED ENTRY TO RICKI LAKE STRATEGY MEETING
'BECAUSE I'M BLACK'
CRICKET CHIRPING INTERRUPTS POLITICIANS' ARGUMENT AGAINST EMINENT DOMAIN RULING
D.C. OFFICIALS APPROVE RAZING OF DNC HQ DUE TO 'EXTREME
BLIGHT'
DNC SPINS INTO FROTH-FILLED OVERDRIVE AFTER ROVE REMARKS
OOPS: LEADING DEMOCRAT QUICKLY RENEGES ON CALLING PBS 'OUR
BULLHORN'
PRIVATE DEVELOPER PUSHES SUPREME COURT TO RULE FOR APARTMENT
COMPLEX ON CURRENT WHITE HOUSE PROPERTY
AUTOMOBILE BUMPER DAMAGED IN HUMAN HIT-AND-FALL INCIDENT
DICK (DURBIN, IL) AVOIDS EYE CONTACT DURING 'APOLOGY'
MISSING BODY FOUND ALIVE IN UTAH
EXPERTS STRESS BIRD FLU EPIDEMIC COULD - COULD - BE
APOCALYPTIC
'CLEAN FREAK' SADDAM REPULSED BY SYMPATHETIC VISIT FROM
'DISGUSTING' SEN. DURBIN (DICK, IL.)
WORLDWIDE FLABBERGAST AS NEW JOE KLEIN BOOK ALLEGES CLINTON PHILANDERING
PRESIDENT BUSH 'UNEASY' WITH CLINTON'S NEW STATUS AS 'BROTHER'
SEN. BIDEN THROWS HAT INTO RING OF 2008 DEMOCRATIC
PRESIDENTIAL LOSERS
BUSH'S 'WAR ON IMMORALITY' BLAMED FOR BOX OFFICE RECESSION
JANITOR OVERWHELMED BY 'PILE OF WASTE MATTER' LEFT BEHIND
AFTER MEETING OF DEMOCRATIC LEADERS
AL-JAZEERA ANGLES TO STAR THE DICK DURBIN ON 'ANTI-AMERICAN
IDOL'
TOM CRUISE PROPOSES DIVORCE DATE TO KATIE HOLMES ATOP EIFFEL TOWER
MICHAEL JACKSON ASSISTANT SHOPS UMBRELLA-HANDLING SKILLS TO
L.A. TALENT AGENCIES
CONGRESSMEN QUESTION EXISTENCE OF EXIT STRATEGY FROM DISNEY
MICHAELS JACKSON AND TYSON UNITE TO FIGHT CREDITORS, FUTURE
PROSECUTIONS
JACKSON FANS: 'WE'LL GIVE WHACKO THREE OR FOUR MORE CHANCES,
BUT THAT'S IT'
JACKSON VERDICT REACHED: FOXNEWS FOLLOWS WHITE BRONCO DOWN
CALIFORNIA HWY
NEW BOOK ALLEGES BILL FORCED SELF ON HILLARY FOR SOME CRAZY
REASON
COMBINED DEBTS OF MIKES - TYSON AND JACKSON - THREATEN TO
COLLAPSE ECONOMY
SADDAM LAWYER: 2018 TRIAL DATE IS 'TOO SOON'
MOST LIKELY TRASHED JANET RENO WRECKS TRUCK IN KEY WEST
WWWF HOPEFUL MIKE TYSON LOSES BOXING MATCH, CAREER, FANS, ETC.
NEXT GENERATION OF TEXT MESSAGING TECHNOLOGY WILL ALLOW REAL
TIME EXCHANGE OF AUDIO VIA CELL PHONES
FUTURE OF AIRLINE INDUSTRY IS UP IN THE AIR
MICHAEL JACKSON JURY MILKING $5 PER DIEM
DEMOCRATS HOLD BREATHS AS DEAN PASSES CLOSE TO LIVE MIC
MEDIA: MORE 'SHOCKINGLY POSITIVE' ECONOMIC NUMBERS RELEASED
JACKSON JURY REQUESTS TO HAVE PERSONAL BOOK EDITORS TO SIT IN
ON DELIBERATIONS
NEW ORLEANS BRACES FOR WHAT COULD BE A CATEGORY 5 HURRICANE
AND BILLIONS IN DAMAGE
NBA COMMISSIONER: 2005 PLAYOFFS 'A SUCCESS' WITH FEWER DRUG
ARRESTS, KILLINGS
CNN: DEAD BODY FOUND IN HORROR HOUSE FULL OF SKELETONS,
CADAVERS
O.J. VERDICT EXPECTED IN MICHAEL JACKSON TRIAL AT 4 PM CST
JURY STILL OUT ON WHACKO 'MICHAEL JACKSON' JACKO PEDOPHILIA
CASE
HOWARD DEAN: 'DEMOCRATS ARE THE OPPOSITES OF REPUBLICANS...
YOU KNOW, BLACK ATHEISTS"
NY TIMES: KORAN ABUSE 'AKIN TO SPITTING IN THE FACE OF OUR
GOD'
DEEP THROAT FAMILY: 'OUR MOTIVES WERE HONEST, AND PURELY MONEY
DRIVEN'
BARNEY FRANK PREGNANCY RUMORS RETURN TO CAPITOL HILL
CLASSIFICATION OF SLOTHFULNESS AS 'DISEASE' BARS EMPLOYERS
FROM TERMINATING LAZIES
REPORT: MICHAEL JACKSON PERPETUAL DEHYDRATION MAY BE DUE TO
'INADEQUATE FUNDS TO AFFORD WATER'
CNN: LOW RATINGS WERE DUE TO 'SO MANY VIEWERS AT OUR ANNIVERSARY PARTY'
SKEWERING OF NOVAK FOR PLAME LEAK RESCINDED IN WAKE OF DEEP
THROAT CELEBRATION
DEEP THROAT LEAK REVEALS CARL BERNSTEIN'S POOR AGING CONDITION
TO MANY
